I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain. in In My World

“Legit of all the people in my life who I’ve shared an emotional connection with, you are one of the few that need not apologize for that.”

Yesterday was such a hard day for me. I found something I wrote about April from just a few months after and I wrote in excruciating detail what was on my mind and how I’d felt. It hurt like a motherfucker because I didn’t know that the feelings I had then were still locked up inside me somewhere. You’d think after 3 months less than 5 years I’d be alright. Nope. I think about it way too much and all the time and it never goes away.

I talked to a friend I haven’t really had a real conversation with in at least 4 years and he reminded me of everything I was before my ex absolutely fucked up my world. Heres how I put it to him: “I know exactly who I was when I met you. I remember and sometimes I can even feel it. You knew me before everything went to hell. You knew me before I ever even met that asshole. I changed a lot. I changed in the years leading up to this. I changed a lot as a result of that. Somewhere, though, I’m still the same person, just older and less nieve. I’ve been trying so so fucking hard to get back to that and I’ve gotten really close. The closest I got was probably about a month ago, maybe a little longer. That was around the same time I had the flashback. It’s a struggle. Today has been a struggle and that’s part of the reason I posted in the first place. I was unhappy for such a long time, I was on a birth control that made me someone else entirely, I was so lost and I’m still working back to where I was. ” He knew me before. He knows me now even though we haven’t spoken in years. We’ve always had a deeper connection than most friendships and (I don’t care if you believe this or not, I do) we have a sort of mental link. We have different pains but we can completely 100% empathize with each other because we can feel it too.

I never even had to tell him about April. He knows my pain without having to know what it is that happened to me. It’s so comforting to know that there’s someone who will always understand me. I’ll tell him someday but for now I’m going to leave it at him knowing my pain.

“Today is a winding road that’s taking me to places that I didn’t want to go.”

On a lighter note, it’s been wonderful reconnecting with him. We were always mentally linked but it’s really good to be actually talking to him again. I might write more later.