Mental Hopscotch in Every day scata

Missing Persons

10:52 am

Three tries to type “am” instead of “pm”. I guess I want to go back to bed.

I slept in again today. I don’t have to go anywhere, so why not. Tyson is the reason I’m still not in bed. He pushed his snoot and then his head under my neck and made me sit up. Dog is too damn smart.

This just popped up on my feed.

”There is going to be days when you just don’t want to be here any more. You just STAY. You fucking stay. Somewhere out there someone needs your voice. I promise, I swear to god, your laughter is someone’s saving grace. Hold on tight, baby. The sun is coming for you.” ~ Erin Van Vuren

11:21 am

Ok, got the video done for tomorrow. I’ve been putting it off because I look and feel like crap the past few days. It’s a boring video. lol I run off camera and I’m totally distracted. Fibro fog and ADD will do that to you.

Now to find the video I picked out for today.

2:15 pm

Oh. I got this message from my sister Lynn on fb yesterday…

”Well, sending you a warning, Kim and I are “communicating, it is ugly. Try not to get pulled in. I love you.”

About 10 minutes before I got that message, Kim called. I still refuse to answer the phone when she calls. If she calls tomorrow, I might answer it because it’s my birthday, but it all depends on what time she calls. I will not talk to her if she’s been drinking. She tends to bad mouth Pam very easily when she’s been drinking. It triggers me. Yeah, I know I complain and shit… but Kim doesn’t know me very well anymore, and she sure doesn’t know Pam at all. It doesn’t matter how many times I explain that it takes two to tango, that I’ve put Pam through hell quite a few times… ::sigh::

Anyhoo, I won’t get sucked into their drama. I don’t want to deal with it. I refuse to deal with it. I have my own life to worry about. Let them battle it out yet again. I’m really glad Lynn didn’t say any more than what she did in the fb message. They are both probably right in some respects. Lynn is a bully, Kim has substance abuse issues and they both have mental health issues that they have never addressed. So Kim will call Lynn what she is, and Lynn will call Kim what she is.

Nope. Not gonna listen to it.

6:21 pm

Suddenly, every cell in my body started screaming about a half hour ago. I started crying. The pain can come on so suddenly, for no fucking reason other than my body just feels like torturing me.

A friend and I were talking about how some days we just don’t want to wake up. That it would be okay. Right now that is how I feel. I don’t want to wake up in the morning to just have another pain-filled day. I don’t know if I’ll feel better, or worse, and the uncertainty sucks.

I can do every fucking thing right, and this still happens.

I keep saying to myself that I’ve been through it before, that it will pass, blah blah blah. But fuck. One week without pain. One week with no depression, energy, and no damn pain. Oh how I would love that.

See ya.