Better Than Nothing in Chapter 2 : The Elle Era

So I think it’s fair to say that today has completly sucked. As you can tell from my other entry today I’m hurting and I’m hurting real bad, inside and out. I’ve started S.H again. I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve started scratching until I bleed. It feels so good to just have that relief. And it lasts longer than burning and is so much safer than cutting. You musn’t get me wrong, whilst I might want to curl up and die it doesn’t mean that I want to kill myself, I don’t, I will not allow myself to get so low as to risk my life anymore. I’m hurting.

I got up and felt so awful that I didn’t want to even haul my fat ass to the shower, I didn’t even want to haul my fat ass out of bed,but I did, so it was a positive start, until I got to mirror, I made the mistake of looking in the mirror. Naked. There it all was. Mounds of fat, saggy flesh, hanging, folding over each other, stretch marks shining on my hips. I disgust myself, how can I ask anyone to be proud of me when I look like this? So I hauled myself the whole 6 steps to the bathroom, locked myself in and looked in the mirror, especially my face, I couldn’t help but look at my chins, and notice how fat and round my face is getting. then it happened, all of a sudden I felt dizzy and sick. I stayed calm and lifted the toilet lid and started to be violently sick. I didn’t make myself sick deliberately, I just looked in the mirror. It felt so good to be sick though. It felt like all the crap inside of me and some of the hurt were gone. Leaving me almost, it didn’t last though, it never does. After I’d been sick I just sat there on the bathroom floor and sobbed, then I picked myself up and got in the shower, the heat and the water made my water so soft , and the pain was so intense and before I knew it I had that burning, stinging sensation relieving me of the pain inside. It’s stung and hurt all day but it;s allowed my emotions to free themselves. I had a bit of a breakdown, I felt like I was going mad, , I couldn’t come home, Elle’s sister had come down and brought the baby with her, I couldn’t face that. I just needed someone to reassure me that I wasn’t going mad, that’s how it felt, everything just buzzing round in my brain.I went to find my counsellor, but she wasn’t in today, I had to sit with this other counsellor called Joy (oh the fucking irony) who made me feel like a child. So I wound up feeling even worse for the 10 minutes I was with her. She had to go off to some other person who needed counselling (God help them) so I was left on my own in a counselling room, just scratching and scratching and weeping and scratching and sobbing some more, for the life i never got to have, for the life i want but won’t get, for everything. I finally came home and I felt like my heart was being torn into a million tiny shreds.

I lied to my counsellor last week, I told her that I wasn’t going to go down the laxative road again, but in all honesty, I don’t think I ever came off it. Although I can’t see what harm a little controlled laxative use does anyone that is in the state I’m in physically. 4 stone overweight, at my age that is ridiculous…no it’s not it’s worse than that, it’s hideous.it’s disgusting and completely un-necessary. I’m definitely going to have to something about it.

Anyways I think that’s quite enough for today…I want to go to bed…I feel like I’ve been mugged.Completely ravaged.

Please can someone save me???

Last updated January 11, 2018