I shouldn't be surprised in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

In order to keep my social sanity, I shall add to this throughout the day.

• I haven’t been sleeping well. Neither has Wife. For me, it is the unfortunate element of not being able to get to sleep. For Wife, it is the element where she cannot stay asleep once she falls asleep. Last night, I tried to go to bed around 10:30. Wife worked until 10, so she wasn’t thrilled that we couldn’t spend any time together. I didn’t end up falling asleep until after midnight. I had set my alarm for 5:26 a.m. because I had so much I needed to do today. Technically, I wanted to fuel my car and be in the Ames Office by 7. I awoke at 5:30 having not heard my alarm. Wife had, apparently. And was very annoyed. SoI got to start my day with an enraged earful about how I was an asshole for setting my alarm so early if I wasn’t going to get up. She was furious that she had woken up 4 times in the middle of the night and how dare I set my alarm for so early! Except, of course, she doesn’t work until 1. So she can go back to sleep for another 6 hours if she so wishes. Meanwhile, I get to start my day with my wife calling me an asshole… made especially perfect because that is likely the only interaction I’ll have with her today.

• As an alleged Thank You for doing so much driving for the Firm, my bosses gave me some Gas Cards to help out. For those who are not familiar with the midwest, particularly Iowa, there are three primary Gas Stations. Kum & Go, which is a Des Moines Company. Casey’s, which is an Altoona Company. And Kwik Star, which is a Wisconsin Company. My bosses gave me Gas Cards for Shell. A Netherlands Company. I would tell you, at the very least, how many Shell Gas Stations are in the immediate area… but their Website’s “Gas Stations Near Me” keeps showing a blank page! So I wasted too much of my morning trying to find a gas station that would use these gift cards. And… from what it looks like… the nearest place is 50 miles from the office. So, there goes trying to be in the Ames Office by 7. AND more evidence that my bosses don’t consider things carefully. International Individual grabs a handful of Gas Cards randomly, surprised when it isn’t tailor made for every occasion. Welcome to Iowa!

• I get that it is likely because I am tired… but the last 24 hours keeps playing in my spirit and weighing heavily on my heart. My job is a lonely, frustrating place run by psychos and I don’t feel comfortable there; I don’t feel like I belong there; I don’t feel like me there. My marriage isn’t exactly a wellspring of Joy. I can’t remember the last time we had sex and my Wife’s interactions with me are somewhere on the spectrum of “Actively Insulting” to “Passively Accepting.” So I’m back to that place of weary where I wish I could just check in to a Hospital and recover some. Have a nurse and staff take care of my basic needs a little as I just feel… like so much of what I need in my soul is not a part of my daily life. As once again, I find myself tearing up at my work place. Again… one of those times where I think, “I don’t want anything HANDED to me. But all the same, I’m tired of working towards what so far has felt like nothing.” I’m just… profoundly tired.

• Because I am still crying, still tired, and looking at a Billing Sheet that will make my bosses tell me that I have really fucked up, I applied for a Therapist Match Service. When it asked me to describe why I was looking for therapy I wrote: “When I was in college, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia due to chronic unspecified pain and sleep issues. Typically, my pain and sleep issues are manageable with my medication. However, mounting issues have reduced my effective sleep to under 5 hours a night, my pain has returned persistently and I cry almost every day. My marriage is deeply broken, but it has been since it began. I hate my job that takes all of my time and pays very little; but all attempts at my Dream Job are met with “You’re extremely qualified and we liked you, try again next time.” I just… I want to be able to make it through each day without feeling so… deeply and profoundly tired.”

• Something I don’t mention on here? I apply to new positions almost every other week. Training Positions at the Attorney General’s Office; Assistant County Attorney Positions… whatever I can find, whenever I can find. Anything to get me away from Chinese Boss and out of Immigration Law. I now know I can definitely, passionately cross off Immigration Law from “shit I’m willing to do.” Mostly because I don’t agree with how our firm deals with it, though, I guess. Every book I’ve read says “HAVE A SYSTEM. A good system means easy work and a successful firm.” Well… Chinese Boss says she has a system. But she hasn’t taught it to me or shown me. And then she expects me to do Immigration work solo. So, I’m guessing she doesn’t actually HAVE a system. Especially considering that every Immigration Case requires the same information. Each Immigration Case requires specific information and specific documentation that, if you’ve been doing this job for more than a year, you should be able to tell the Client to have with them on the day of intake. Yet… this is not what happens. Ultimately? I just think this firm is crappy. It survives and “thrives” based on its never ending devotion to figuratively sucking Chinese cock. And my life? Story County gives me two cases a month. Polk County stopped giving me cases. So I am struggling to get hours. And despite what the bosses claim; I am not on “salary.” If I don’t literally pay back my monthly check, I’m out the door. So… that’s what my life looks like right now. I give them 1,000 billable hours per year, or I’m sacked. Oh, except now they are asking that I do 1500 hours per year (without raising the salary). And sure, when I worked Retail or Pretrial or Prosecution… I wouldn’t even bat an eye at 2,000 to 2500 hours per year. But in private practice? I have friends starting out saying they are killing themselves trying to hit 1,000. Of course, I also have friends at massive law firms that are killing themselves because they are doing 3000 hours a year; but that is because they are relegated to Files and Archives and sift through old cases turning them into digital records.

• Fighting the urge to fall asleep at my desk while watching Discovery Videos (one of the last things I can actually do); an idea comes to me. Both my Wife and I need a vacation. A proper one. We’ve never had one. Hell, White Boss and Chinese Boss went on an all inclusive Caribbean Honeymoon and go to China for weeks at a time every year. Wife and I haven’t even taken a long weekend together anywhere unless it was a preplanned Wedding or Family Reunion engagement… and with those, we’re always sharing rooms/cabins/spaces with other family members. We’ve never had an US vacation. And I know my bosses would get up in arms about it; but that is frankly the value of developing a “fuck them” mentality. So I told Wife that we should start planning a vacation for August/September. And one of four things will happen.
  (1) I get another job that has a structured sense of rules and procedures and we forgo the vacation this year but can use the plan for the next year
  (2) I get another job that has a structured sense of rules and procedures and we are able to take the vacation anyway
  (3) I stay with current Firm who throws an absolute shit-fit at me wanting to take a vacation and I quit, telling them to sod off and enjoy their future and Wife and I take a vacation
  (4) I stay with current Firm who has objections but keep their mouths shut, Wife and I take our vacation and I return to Firm.
  Because that is where I am right now.

• Saw an entry on here about a woman who felt particularly appreciated at work. Saw an entry on here about a woman who felt particularly happy at the breaks she was getting in life. Saw an entry on here about a woman who felt blessed that her partner understood and supported her so much. I realized… this is a site largely populated by women! Also realized… I wasn’t envious of them. Not in how envy usually plays. In me, envy is the feeling of “why do you have that and not me. I should have that. I should have that instead.” But I didn’t feel like that this time. I was happy for them that they could have that. I was forlorn that I didn’t have that. And admittedly confused about how I can get it.

• Not terribly surprised at all but more bullshit. “Yes, I do see that I won’t make money or bring money to the firm if I don’t have clients. Thank you for pointing that out.” But wait (he thinks) didn’t you tell me that all of White Boss’ first year, he never received appointments from Ames? In fact, didn’t you tell me that the first year you were in business, you lost money? Whereas, since hiring me… you’ve been making money? Now, in all honesty, I’m not going to claim I am some financial powerhouse or anything. I hold my own, not conquer the world. But between the Private Client Work I do and the appointment work… I’ve more than paid for myself. So yes. I’m not happy with the fact that I have less than 25 active cases. ESPECIALLY since, as a lawyer in Tiny Town, I averaged 90 Active Cases*. So… yeah. This isn’t my ideal either. But instead of criticism, how about some advice? Instead of describing the Ocean, how about throwing a life raft? Or… and take this to heart if it helps… if you think I’m not worth teaching, FIRE ME.

-I said it last year, I may take it back and say it again several times this year, but I am certainly open to the idea of just quitting here this summer. I mean, this echoes something from above but seriously. This job isn’t expanding my qualifications for a Prosecutor Job (it isn’t. Literally, every ACA Job interview I’ve been on, the only questions I get are about my past Prosecution experience. Working for these people is just evidence that I can be an attorney). And frankly, I’d probably be happier working at a Gamestop. But my Pride and Hope get in the way. SO, I stay here. But if my normal continues to be “Me, alone, getting yelled at via E-Mail… so Tiny Town plus Chinese Issues” then… yeah. Sod it. There isn’t much difference between working for this law firm while waiting on Prosecutor Job Openings and working anywhere else while waiting on Prosecutor Job Openings.