safety warnings in poetry

millennials, I make this old man pledge to you:
I will never make fun of you for having a tattoo
but I reserve the right to make fun of bad tattoos
so you might as well either get none
or at least get some actual good ones
but you need to know this one true thing

there is no way for a neck tattoo can be mediocre
there are no neck tattoos that are simply “meh”
a neck tattoo by its very nature can only be either
cringlingly lame or terrifyingly awesome
no in-betweens with the neck tattoos
you either went to jail for beating up six Nazis
or you made a really bad mistake at seventeen
no in-between

the most badass tattoo of all time however
would be to have the lids of jelly jars
tattooed over your nipples with the warning
“Caution: If Bubble Pops Up, Seal Is Broken”
featured in a prominent text around the rims
so for the rest of your life the world will
always know if it is cold or you are horny

and if you also went to jail for
beating up six Nazis, hey
bonus points