Been Very depressed in New Diary

A lot of things have happened since my last entry. Chocolatechip and I broke up . I do not want to go into details. I will say I feel terrible about this. Depression and anxiety have been high. I haven’t been leaving my apartment. I haven;t been taking care of myself. I’ve had thoughts of killing myself. As I told Healthways I will never act on those thoughts. I have a great fear of death and my ultimate fate. But I have had them and they have been very strong.

I should have gone to the hospital because things were so bad. We do not have a mental ward in the hospital in Weirton. I was afraid they will ship me downstate and I would end up being stuck there. I called the emergency on call number a few times and they told me they had local areas where I could go. Still i was afraid to commit myself for fear of what might happen,

My fiances are shot to hell and that is another worry. In December I really over used my credit card. I bought a new Nook and some Christmas presents. After the dust was settled I had a $187.00 balance. I said to myself I can make payments on them and bring it down to zero in a couple of months. I said to myself I could cut back not buy anymore books or subs., I was doing pretty good in January in keeping to my pledge. Then in February I got a big bill from Norton the anti virus program.

I was using this program for about a two years. Last year I only had to pay $50., This year they charged me double the amount. Then I find out that as a Comcast customer I should be getting this for free. I was talking about this to my aid yesterday. She said we need take care of this right away. I was chatting with a Comcast agent and they gave me the number for Norton. My caregiver called and they agreed to refund me the money. It will show up on my credit card within three to five business days. They also uninstalled the old version of Norton and downloaded d the free one. I said to my aid that this was the best news I had all month

I haven’t been doing a lot . I think the constant depression and anxiety have been draining me. I feel very tired. About all I do is sit at the desk and read and play chess. I read a couple good books last month. I read Fire and Fury and a book about the Senate. Then I started reading A Bright Shinning Lie by Neil Sheehan. This is about the United States and the Vietnam War. Reading and music relaxes me. They both keep me from going completely insane.

Well that is about it.