According to GOOGLE, some famous birthdays for the day are
Dan Harmon, J.R.R. Tolkien, Mel Gibson, Danica McKellar, Sergio Leone, and Victoria Principal.

Yesterday, partially as a large middle finger to work and partially because RELATIONSHIPS matter more than BULLSHIT, I tried to catch up on Prosebox a bit. If you did not get a note from me, I am sorry. I likely read your entries for the past 48 hours and didn’t have anything to say.

Today is an “Ames Day” and I say that in quotes because I fully expect Chinese Boss to call me angry that I am not in DM. Well, I have a trial this afternoon. I would rather be in the same County/City where I have a trial all day then split my day 50/50. Not that it matters much. Partially due to the weather, partially due to emotional stuff… I have been having an absolute bitch of a time getting to sleep. And 4 hours of sleep added to negative temperature causes a great deal of body pain and depressed feelings. Which I do NOT need more of. I am already depressed that I have to wake up, go to work at a job I increasingly can’t stand, and pray… pray that an opportunity arises. THAT is why I am so upset about the Cedar Rapids item, as well. These opportunities don’t exactly present themselves often. And when I say Opportunity, I mean the job itself. That is rare enough. But to make it past the application stage and actually get interviewed? That happens even more rarely. And of course, Cedar Rapids didn’t get back to me on what I could do to improve my chances at my next interview. This kind of thing is exactly why I get so upset at my brother and Happiness Gurus who say, “Make your own opportunities. Command your own vessel. Don’t expect someone else to open the door for you, you have to open it yourself.” Really? Because how am I going to make that happen? I’m honestly curious. I’m not happy doing Defense or Immigration. I’m not happy working in a Firm Structure with no “reliable pay or benefits.” And getting a job with the government requires an opening to actually exist first. So tell me… how do I “open my own door” there?

Especially given the limited allowances I’ve been given. I am, per Wife, required to apply only to areas with 50,000 people or more. Out of a state with 99 Counties (41 more than California, 37 more than New York) there are only ten counties that have more than 50,000 people. And I have applied to and/or interviewed with all but maybe 2. And, strictly due to proximity, I’ve allowed myself to send resumes to a few counties with less than 50,000 people… and still no response. What drives me most crazy of all? I only accepted job at FIRM because (1) I figured having a job while in DM was better than not having a job in DM and (2) I figured that having more experience would directly benefit my ability to get a new/different job should one come up.

Well… I’ve applied to 2 Dream Jobs in the last 4 months. Both of which were government. Both of which were honorable. Both of which had benefits and paid more than double my current gig. Both of which I was qualified for. Both of which I would have done well in. One of them never called me for an interview. The other called me for an interview and decided I wasn’t the right choice. Neither of them are willing to tell me what I can do to help myself in the future. SO… yeah. Depression sets in a little again. Anger at my Creator sets in a little again. Frustration at the world sets in a little again.

I am tired and I am in pain. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. And I am very tired of two roads diverge in a yellow wood and trying for the one I want, I get forced onto the other path. I don’t want an easy life. I’m never going to have an easy life. BUT AGAIN I SAY… I don’t want much. I’m not demanding $400k and a 3 hour work day. I’m willing to put in time and work hard. I’m willing to do what I need to… for the right people. I am an Attorney. I have an advanced degree, I have a professional license, I have worked in Corrections, Prosecution, Immigration, Juvenile Court, Business Formation, Criminal Defense, Civil Litigation, and Small Claims Court. ALL I am asking is for a job that pays $70,000 or more… doesn’t ask for more than 50 hours a week… doesn’t require me to drive all over the state of Iowa… doesn’t require me to work for free at the drop of a hat… provides benefits. Honestly… that isn’t asking for the moon.
“Salary in Iowa: Lawyers earn a median salary of $88,260 per year. The median annual Attorney I salary in Des Moines, IA is $87,907, as of January 02, 2018, with a range usually between $76,359-$100,972 not including bonus and benefit information and other factors that impact base pay.”
So, I’m not even asking for average or median or even within the range. Dammit. I just want enough to take care of myself, my family, get a house, and LIVE.

This will separate me from a lot of readers… but it reminds me of something that has…pretty much… always plagued me. I will always believe in God. Call it a gift, call it a curse, call it brainwashing… I will always believe in God. Which usually makes things like this more difficult, not less. Despite what many say. Because if you can just not believe in God? Then shit happens, the world sucks, everything is random, nothing matters… move on. But a belief in God? Then there’s a reason for this. Then there is order to this chaos. And when this is “The Plan” that hurts so much more. Because the only things that make sense in response are:
(1) Why? Why is this happening? Why is this happening constantly, over and over again? Why is it that my physical pain and emotional struggle just never seem to be enough?
(2) When? When is this going to end? When will I or Wife get the break that allows us to simply live? When will “struggle, bitches” not be every response to every prayer?
(3) What do you want from me? What more do you want from me? What is it that you are trying to say by constant denial and rejection?

EDIT

Oh… how this job is so skilled at taking me from depressed to enraged! Received a text this morning. “I’ll set things up and you can come over after your trial.”
WHAT?! Wait… set things up for what… what?! WHAT?!
Yeah… apparently, the firm had scheduled me to do International Student Orientation for tonight. EXCEPT NOBODY TOLD ME! Just to make sure I did an “Entire E-Mail History Search” for “International Student Orientation”.... the last time I was told anything about it was AUGUST for the Fall Semester. So… do you want an excellent example of the bullshit I deal with? Here it is. Hey, we never told you anything about this… but can you stay in Ames until 7:00 tonight? Oh, and of course, we won’t pay you for the 4 hours we’re asking you to do at this event.

THIS
IS
FUCKING
BULLSHIT

Why… WHY… is it so impossible for me to be hired by or work for an even SEMI professional place? WHY?! Jesus, seriously, talking directly to you here. If the plan is just to dick me around until I die; we’re going to have some very cross words when I get up there. I know being demanding is a dick move right now, but lets call it a response to dick moves. THERE HAD BETTER BE SOME KIND OF PAYOFF FOR ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT!

ADDITIONAL EDIT

How many of you have been arrested in your lives? Let me tell you something. If you are arrested and given Community Service, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SETTING UP THAT COMMUNITY SERVICE. It is not your lawyer’s fault if the Community Service is not performed. You are required to set it up. Rewind several months. I have a Chinese Speaking Only client. Why I am the one that has to travel half-way across the State with her without a translator is beyond me. I don’t speak the fucking language. Anyway, in court, WITH AN INTERPRETER we discuss Community Service. She says that she is going to live out of the State and could she do Community Service there or does she have to come back to Iowa. The Judge and The Probation Office all tell her that she can set it up where she lives and call her probation officer to let him know and get approval. She says that there is a hospital she is considering volunteering for and we agree that such a thing would work. NOW BACK TO PRESENT DAY. Chinese Boss is blowing up my E-Mail. “Why haven’t you set up Community Service for this client?” I explain to her what I have just explained to you. To which she responds “She is in Las Vegas, how could she set up community service? thank you” Uhm… if it isn’t our job as attorneys normally, why is it our job for a Chinese Speaker? More pressingly… if I don’t speak Chinese why is it my job? Just… frustrating. Chinese Boss’ demands are basically (because she’s said this) “Spend less time on cases the state gives you. But put everything into our Chinese Cases.” OR I could be an ethical attorney and give as much focus as I can to each case based on the merits of the case and not the wealth or ethnicity of the defendant. For. Christ’s. Sake.

Last updated January 03, 2018