investigation in Random Thoughts

Last meeting with my therapist (two weeks ago, last Saturday i was in CA with family helping with my grandpa’s estate) i learned that i have a diagnosis. Of course, i needed one for my (generous, luckily) health insurance to allow me to see him once a week. I am diagnosed with PTSD. I am sot sure how i feel about that. The typical Carmen takes everything in stride, but.

But. My goal is this (one part of my lovingkindness meditation) “May i investigate automatic assumptions and recurring stories”

It’s ok to not take everything in stride, be constantly flexible, constantly easygoing. That served to keep me safe for much of my life- as a small child when i was actually in unsafe environs, as an adult when i felt emotionally unsafe or unstable.

It takes me back to the PTSD. I was actually annoyed that my therapist hadn’t told me my diagnosis. Especially since he said that he always tells his clients.

I am not annoyed at him, more annoyed at the recurring experience of living a life where people often just forget to tell me important things or take advantage of my easygoing nature (but not purposefully, more like thinking me and an idea/event/expectation are a good fit) and i take it in stride, with ease, with grace sometimes even.... but really.

I don’t know if i am explaining this very well.

It’s a part of the path.

I am happy to be looking at those automatic assumptions and recurring stories about my self (not just myself, though.. also my view on life, prejudices, preferences, etc) and shifting.

Another piece of me that welled up during a yoga class is my need to be ‘right’ and know how to do or be … whatever it may be… directions to a location, how to … why something.... etc. When i feel that come up i am going to sit across the table from it and just take a look. Once i get good at taking a look, i can move on to softening the hard edges of it and investigating why its there and whats behind it. Transforming it.

I’m seeing another therapist. That’s two of them. I promise, if you met me you’d never know.

This one is for a specific event/time in my life that involves abuse and the loss of a baby. We are going to do EMDR to re-invent the tragic event with the support of loved ones and community instead of the agonizing, shameful way i experienced it. i’ll talk more in another post.

Here is info on EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), a type of psychotherapy:

http://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

Time to greet Friday and my students with love and a big smile.

Last updated January 05, 2018