Last of the Year then 2018 in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

By the time I sat down to my computer to write this, I already had 8 different ways I wanted to start this. So I guess I’ll just start talking and see where this goes.

I’ve been myopically focused on work issues because those are, to the best of my ability, far more under my control than just about any other issue that I face. My physical health is largely outside of my control as far as Fibromyalgia and Glaucoma. My relationships with friends are doing fairly well, considering the bullshit that interrupts my time with them due to work. Even stuff with my family is doing well… my father is finally able to see better out of his left eye as the bubble dissolved over the weekend. My brother, sister-in-law and niece are going to Iceland in a month. My Father in Law and Mother in Law are going to Hawaii in two months. Things are good, for the most part, provided nobody look too closely at what is going on in my own life/home.

Wife is back to a Limbo stage with career movement. She sent her resume to a place that said it was their slow time and they might call her when things pick up. So, she considers her job done. “They’ll call me when they need me,” is her current outlook. Which, I suppose, in many ways is all well and good but… considering how much she despises her current work situation, one would think she would take more active steps to resolve the issue. But I am beginning to believe that Wife is the type person who will always look for the gray cloud of every silver lining. The type of person who can wake up happy, and convince themselves out of it by the time their feet hit the floor. Not that I’m much better. But genuinely… I try to make each day worth something to myself or others… and I just… fail… all the time. It doesn’t seem much like she’s even trying. BUT hopefully, as she is working with a therapist… either her spirit or occupation will go through positive changes in the next year.

As to my job? I’m doing what I’ve been doing. Applying for Government Work (applied for another Attorney General position) and working my ass off for a firm that sucks. Love (sarcastically) how the week our firm is closed, I did 12 billable hours. Yes, technically that means I didn’t work a full week… but literally, that is half of a week. The Week Off, I put in literally a half-week of work. But remember… I’m lazy and have attendance problems. (aggressive eye roll).

Maybe it is because of the shitty news out of the job front or maybe it is biology… likely both… but I’m randy as hell. I can’t remember the last time I had sex, but my memory of things besides cases is getting worse and worse all the time. Ultimately, I know I didn’t have sex in December and I’m fairly positive I didn’t have sex in November. If I had sex in November or October, it was surely to an inebriated wife as that seems to be an absolute constant. I’ve been trying to engage again. Granted, there are some who would say “If you’re asking for it all the time, no wonder she’s pushing you away” but again… this is a bigger issue. If my wife was Asexual, I would want her to tell me. If my wife was Asexual before we were married, I would have considered it before proposing. My wife is not asexual. But… I think she has a HUGE psychological issue about body image… not just her own… all bodies. Like… we have friends that are married. In one couple, the girl is 5‘1 and 190 lbs married to a thin Taiwanese Man. The girl has a beautiful face, great rack, amazing singing voice, and is sweet as the day is long. There is nothing wrong with her except a little extra in her spare tire. Wife is repulsed at the idea that those two have sex. So never mind our other friends.... married, he is 6‘2 and 250 lbs, she is 5‘10 and 280 lbs. Wife can barely even look at pictures of the two of them together. SO.... now that Wife is back under 150 lbs (at 5 feet even)… I was foolish to think that she would be open to sex… or even making out… or reciprocating kisses. Because every time I try? She brings attention right back to my “fat gut” or “growing tits.” I get it… at 5‘7, I should not be 230 lbs. It is heavier than I ever wanted to get so I am working on it… little by little… which is a difficult task when your bosses can demand a 12 to 15 hour work day at the spur of the moment. But likewise… is that all she sees in her own husband?! Is she… so broken that she can’t bring herself to show love or affection for her husband for so trivial a reason? Because seriously… if I had known any of that ahead of time… I would have seriously reconsidered the proposal. OR is this part of something larger? Like… in Omaha, we didn’t have sex because she was miserable. In Tiny Town, we had sex a little more often because we were all we had. Here? We don’t see each other much, if I’m not at work then more than likely she is, and neither of us are enjoying or emotionally withstanding our working environments very well.

It is just… she is either incapable of considering or unwilling to consider that… (1) as a husband in a married couple, especially considering that I am very much in love with and very much attracted to my wife, I would appreciate sex… or at least the occasional snog… or at least a bloody kiss from time to time; (2) constant rejection will always lead to problems… couple a feeling of rejection in work endeavors (interviews) with a feeling of rejection in romantic endeavors (wife) and… there are severe and painful emotional consequences; (3) lastly, if the surface physical is what Wife reacts to most strongly… it would certainly discourage me from spending time on the things that REALLY matter.... if all she wants is a husband with a tighter stomach, than she doesn’t want a husband who takes care of her when she isn’t feeling well… she doesn’t want a husband who cleans the house while she’s at work… she doesn’t want a husband who tries hard to find/create a better home-situation… etcetera. Which, we all know, is inaccurate. If I didn’t take care of her when she wasn’t feeling well, she’d be a pill. If I didn’t do house chores at all, she’d be pissed (and have every right to be). If I didn’t try hard at work while simultaneously trying to find a better situation, she’d wonder why I was doing anything at all. No. Ultimately, I think Wife’s expectations are either too high or she is just (perhaps always has been) looking for excuses as to why not to have sex with me or show me any physical affection. Which is bollocks since she chose me.

In the part of my brain that is always considering conspiracy theories and science fiction stories… I am reminded of the Truman Show. It would be a painful concept but it would explain so much.
Thinking back to 2005. I had just turned 21 and was seriously considering trying to be in a relationship with someone that would have (1) been fun as hell but could have (2) seriously ruined my life. Then along comes Wife, who seeks me out and pursues me. Truman Show Meaning: The producers saw what I was about to do and put something in motion to stop it. After I leave college, I assume that my relationship with Wife will end. I move back to Des Moines, assuring Wife that we’d give long distance a go but (considering previous experience) I feel like it won’t work much. However before the summer is even over, Wife has moved to Des Moines as well. Truman Show Meaning: The producers wanted the relationship to continue, so a quick move was hastily written in to the show. We continue our relationship until I become absolutely fed up with every evening of “Hey lady, how was your day?” Only to never have the question returned. Our relationship was best summarized in that analogy. “How are you?” “Good.” Never “Good, thanks.” Never “Good. How was yours?” Always just… the response and/or a monologue. And I was sick of it. So, I tried to break up with her. It didn’t stick but she did get significantly better about considering that if she wanted to have another person in her life (me) that she would need to act as though there were another person in her life. Truman Show Meaning: The producers wanted to give the character a story arc that would make her seem more relatable. Then we get married and sex and affection stop. And become rather a sticking point for the whole marriage. Truman Show Meaning: The producers made her sign a contract for the marriage but she isn’t in to it as far as romance or sex… the producers get their Married Couple piece of the story, but the actress playing Wife is only playing a part and is not required to fake sexual attraction or a romantic connection.

Yeah, that is a bit much. But sometimes… that is what it feels like.

And like every TV Show out there… this next “season” begins where almost all of the recent seasons have. “Next year, I hope to get a better job and have a better marriage!” Except… I literally said that for 2015/16 and 2016/17. Three years in a row saying “Better job, better marriage”.... ”One is an anomaly, Two is a straight line, Three is a pattern”