Oh, Fine in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

I wasn’t going to write in here today.
I was going to let the day happen… take a break from writing… allow those who may wish to a chance to catch up, lol.

But I reconsidered as I should document my current experience. Perhaps it will help me in the future.

As of this writing, I have not heard back on my hopeful ACA position. And while I am still (trying) to convince myself that I can be just as content at my current position… I’m not that good at lying to myself. And as much as a logical and intellectual approach would suggest that I need only be patient; my gut and past experience suggest that not hearing anything means I’m not getting it. So I’m going through my stages for coping with that. Though, I should say “coping” as the quotation marks in this instance accurately depict a sense of disingenuous pseudo-coping.

Last night I dealt with the loss of the job as Financial Boon and Family Assistance. I mourned the loss of a house. I mourned the loss of freeing Wife from her position. I mourned the loss of possible vacations and life-assisting possessions. It wasn’t that great a loss in itself. I can certainly convince myself that at some point in my life I’ll own a home and a dog. At some point in my life I will be able to go on vacations, I hope. It hasn’t happened much yet. Wife and I have never gone on a “vacation” that did not also double as a wedding or family reunion or business trip. We have been together for 12 years, married for 6, and we have never gone on a vacation that was just a vacation. I do hope we can change that some day. But… this ACA job was not the sole and unique way of achieving those things. Perhaps my favorite way I’ve seen so far… but not the only way.

This morning I am assailed with the memories of things not yet happened. Perhaps one of the greatest benefits the ACA Job offered was in its proximity to MBFITWW. He needs me, frankly. He spends all of his time either working or at home by himself and he has admitted that it can be terribly lonely. He even confessed that he’s stopped drinking almost entirely because he was afraid that all that drinking alone would turn him into an irredeemable alcoholic. I had imaginings of the two of us playing video games in couch co-op; exploring billiards halls; seeing shows; possibly even encouraging him to begin to look for a female companion.

And that is why the (potential) loss of this opportunity is so upsetting.
(1) A job doing what I want to do in a town where Wife and I would enjoy living
(2) Concrete, reliable, steady work that didn’t require me to travel all over the state every week
(3) A reliable, unwavering paycheck that could be used to appropriately plan and budget
(4) Health benefits that would include vision and dental, allowing Wife and I to take better care of ourselves and allowing Wife a perfect opportunity to leave Wal-Mart
(5) A house to call our own where we could decorate, spread out, make our own, and even get a dog
(6) Having the time and opportunity to develop a life outside of work where we could go to the Paramount Theater and watch a play or an opera or go hiking on weekends or… just have a life.
(7) The opportunity to plan for and take a legitimate vacation together
(8) The proximity to MBFITWW so that, even if we did miss living near my old Pre-Law school friends, we would never be too far away from quality friend time and social outings.

Yes. I have begun to mourn the loss of all of that. Perhaps when the call itself comes in, I will find it in me to be angry at Fate or turn my emotions to something more powerful. But for now? It is merely the onset of an expected depression. The tired, low energy realization that… I had a solid chance to get what I wanted… a real chance to get that “break” everyone always says Wife and I are past due for. I got close. Just… not close enough.