What A Day in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

My day began at 5:30 this morning, when I set my alarm. My Wife doesn’t understand why I set my alarm to wake me an hour before I have to leave the house. It is an important part of pain management. I set my alarm for 5:30, got out of bed at 6, got on the road at 6:30. Drove 130 miles, had an hour long hearing, drove 130 miles back and by Noon, I had already tallied 5.8 billable hours!

Of course… the long, long drive let my mind wander a bit. And let me conclude that, no matter if I am getting paid for it or not… the required driving all over Iowa is certainly a downside to the job. Considering that, I analyzed my admittedly mixed feelings on my ACA Job Prospects. It can best be described as a split between Head, Heart, and Spirit.
My head is certain that I am incredibly qualified for the job. There is no question as to whether I am qualified or capable. So the Head thinks, “You got this, bro!”

My heart is a Golden Retriever. It is hopeful but anxious. It is like “this would be good, this could be awesome, I hope this works out, it might not work out, it could be bad news, but I hope it works out.”

My spirit is… broken. It is convinced that I will not get the job. 100% already saying “Prepare to be super depressed, buddy, because that call ain’t coming in for you.”

How’s this for sadism, though? I can somewhat convince my spirit to think hopefully about the job prospects IF I can convince my spirit that there will be some kind of catch or problem or difficulty. My spirit, for plainly obvious reasons, cannot be convinced of something good without also being convinced that something bad will come of it. After all, the Spirit has been broken by repeated historical issues… so it makes sense.

Get back to the office… White Boss wants to know if I’ve finished watching Discovery for his Cases. I haven’t because of technical issues. I haven’t even finished watching Discovery in my cases. Chinese Boss wants to talk about several Immigration Cases because she wants them finished soon. We haven’t even started them. So… I can’t say for certain but… I’m pretty positive that I am going to have at least 7 to 8 hours of billable for the day. If not more like 10.

Either way… I can bet you I’ll be tired at the end of today!

And you know what? The following is something else I was considering on my 4 hours of driving this morning.

In Tiny Town… I was… a little appalled that people would drive 45 minute to an hour just to go grocery shopping. I truly was not built for a life where “the nearest neighbor is a 15 minute drive.” So I was very much against the amount/type of travel required to be a fully functioning adult in that kind of community. My current job? Well… shit. Between all of the different counties… I’ve racked up thousands of miles! Thousands! So I am very much against the amount/type of travel required to be a fully functioning attorney in this kind of firm. So… as much as Wife wants to stay in the Des Moines Metro Area… today was a renewal of “Put on your own oxygen mask first.” Because while Des Moines is over 200,000 people… I think Wife would be fine in a community of 100,000. Because while Wife loves the potential of what we could do in this area… I think Wife would be happier in a place where we could ACTUALLY do things. In other words… I totally get why Wife doesn’t want to move. I’m still hoping I get this ACA job because Wife would be fine in the new community, I would be happier in that job… we’d be making more money, getting full benefits, and we’d still be able to see friends and family. Frankly… after racking up the thousands of miles I have in the last two years.... driving 100 miles to see my brother and DM Metro friends when I want to… that ain’t bad. And Wife’s parents would only be 55 miles away. My best friend in the whole world (MBFITWW) would be 40 miles away.

So… that’s where I am.

My mind is chill. I’m qualified, these guys would be fools to pass me up.

My heart is racing. Because it would be nice to get this job, it would be nice to increase my pay by 2.5 times, it would be nice to get health benefits, it would be nice to finally buy a house, it would be nice to take firm and confident steps towards grabbing The Dream. But nothing is guaranteed. As much as my heart is fantasizing about all the wonderful things that could happen… all of those good feelings could instantly dissolve with bad news later this week.

And my spirit is dragging. Because as much as we need/deserve a break like this… the odds are against us. There are likely dozens of people that are trying for this job. The only times I have ever been hired by a Prosecutor or a Private Firm are when it is Me against 1 or 2 other people. Me against dozens? Has never worked out. And my spirit is very good at pointing out all of the logical reasons why I will not be getting the job offer. Brain… good. Heart… anxious. Spirit… broken.

Want to know how I trick it from getting me entirely depressed? I logically argue with my Spirit that it won’t be so cut and dried. If I get this job offer, my bosses will freak out. They’ll be nasty to me. They will yell at me about the responsibilities to my clients and demand I put in as much time as I have available to make sure I’m not leaving anyone high and dry. That doesn’t sufficiently convince my spirit enough to make it think that I will get the job offer… but being shown that there are downsides to this potential positive at least lets my spirit think it could be possible.