from: july 2006 in The Wonderland Years: 2006: transferred over from FOD

‘July

Mistake erasers rainbowws

Sat. july 22nd

So lately there’s been a lot goin on. This entire summer. And I’ve decided I need to wirte I mean really write. But i don’t want to right now. i don’t want to do much of anything. So we’ll see where this goes. I’m tired. So dreamy spacy. Out of it. Maybe that’s a good thing considering how much I’ve been through lately especially this week. This week has been very long. And tiring. And yet somehow it came to an end. Just like all things. Just like most things. All good things must come to an end. But this wasn’t a good thing. Well, at least I don’t see it that way. Maybe my having a breakdown while sitting on a giant plastic fake waffle at the mall on Monday night at 10 o clock was a sign that things were to be bad all too soon. So many things have happened I can barely keep track of them anymore.

Maybe if I go backwards in my mind in my head in time......I wish I could. I wish I could change what’s happened step back in time knowing the consequences of my actions and not get caught. I wish I could go outside even if it is dark. Just so I would be free again have that freedom that power that control. But I can’t. I’m always wishing this or that one thing or another. So many emotions filling up and finally spilling over because I haven’t talked in so long. It’s only in the past couple weeks that I started telling people everything and that’s when things got complicated.

It’s just like in the book ‘Speak’. She was raped and didn’t talk about it. I was sexually assaulted but I don’t feel that I’ve properly talked about it. I’m starting to though. But I know it will take many many therapy sessions many many years of counselling and therapy and many many years. I’ve already had enough therapy since I was 9. I am one messed up kid. My mother’s right about that.

Sigh I don’t know. I’ve made some mistakes and I’m trying to accept it as such because everyone makes mistakes that’s why we have erasers. And delete buttons and backspace buttons. For when we make mistakes while typing or writing something or doing homework or something. And delete buttons and backspace buttons are a kind of eraser. But what about the erasers for life? Where do we find those? Is there a giant store for them? Maybe? Somewhere? I know the truth that there isn’t. But I have to hope for something.
It’s just like in Wizard of Oz. She was looking for something that wasn’t there but she was looking for something she already had. But couldn’t find it and didn’t realise it untill she went to Oz.

And keep hold to something. i can talk to the dog and Sarah, my therapist says that’s one thing I should hold on to. But what about the other things? I suppose the other things would be beauty, my talents, my personality.
But sometimes the world slips through your fingers at such a quick rate that you can’t do anything to stop it. Because whether you like it or not life goes on.
I’m absolutely stuck and there’s nothing I can do. There’s nothing anyone can do there’s nothing they could’ve done. What’s done is done.

You know I used to think and I guess believe that the past is the past and you can’t change what’s happened. And I used to believe that and not try to change anything. Now I’m not so sure what I believe, about that or anything else.
My friend wouldn’t talk to me and so I emailed her asking what’s wrong. I wasn’t trying to upset her but maybe I did. So I’m not going to ask her. And when I read her reply I about nearly cried. It’s not her. Well ok maybe it is a little bit.

Right now it seems the smallest thing could make me cry. And maybe I shouldn’t talk to people if i feel this way. Not that I’m trying to be rude or anything but if things make me cry this easily if I’m this sensitive then maybe it’s best I didn’t talk to people. But then again maybe it’s good if I cry. I’m not saying people should deliberately make me cry but maybe subconsciously they know I need to and they’re trying to help me along the way. Or idinno maybe I’m just crazy.

And maybe I sort of want to upset people, subconsciously. They’ve upset me plenty this past week so maybe I’m trying to teach them how it feels. My emotions are all out of control and I’ll lash out at anyone, it feels like. After having everything taken away from me why should I trust anyone anymore? After I came back from boarding school when I was 16 it took me a long time to trust people. And after my sexual assault last fall I still trust people. But maybe that’s because I haven’t properly ackknowledged it I don’t know. But if I don’t trust people and talk to them then how can I get help? Do I want help? I’m not entirely sure i do.’