June: city music family dad trust recovery in The Wonderland Years: 2010: transferred over from FOD. entries. Done.

'1st

Although I just did.

which is why it's so interesting I live in Colorado where, we have virtually no large bodies of water. By the King Soopers parking lot sometimes there's a boat attached to a car.

I really ought to be living in Ireland; it's beautiful it's mystical. It really is magical. It's by the coast.

I've always felt drawn to water. It's fluid graceful beautiful. Like the ocean was a diary.

I remember, last time we [my family] and I were in Mexico, Kate and I took a walk on the beach. She was like this. incredible water goddess. The ocean was hers but not in a possessive way. When we were on the coast in Ireland she said that's where she felt the most centered.

There's something about water.....that's another thing she and I share, our love of water.

I'm not that good a swimmer, which is kindof embarassing to admit.

And mermaids have the perfect body. all that long hair.....

That's a secret part of me, the mythical part. Not spiritual, mythical. I don't bring it up as it's connected to the assault which. I haven't er. unmerged the 2.

I love the idea of goddesses, that woman have that much power. And they have their different abilities. You know, Venus. Diana. In middle school for science class I did a report on Venus, the planet, actually.

I think it's cool that dolphins, as well as dogs, help people. We're more trusting of animals than we are each other.

But people have those 'abilities' too, as I learned I '

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'2nd**

So, if yall don't read anything from me the next few days it's because well. I won't be here.

As in, I'll be in New York. I'm leaving tomorrow morning and back Monday.

:)

<3 '

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'7th**

so I got back a few hours ago. from New York.

It was nice. I stayed with my sister who's moved to the financial district 6 monthsago. there aremore cars there as opposed to SoHo where she used to live. Her apartment's a stuido. She has new black furniture from Ikea, so it looks more modern than my place - which is a collection of furniture from different places - and her bed has this netting over it which seems slightly African. It works w/ the black wooden furniture. She has records [Lennon, jazz, Simon & Garfunkel, Joplin, Don McLean] - records! - and a record player. And this blue plastic creature. thing. I think you can get them at Urban Outfitters. And these plastic jewels in front of him on one of her bookshelves so he's like 'gaurding' them. I slept on her couch which is very comfortable.

She has cable which we watched. There'r so many channels some of which repeat. There's also an elevator in her place which was a relief.

So, we left Thursday morning. Kate didn't sit w/ us for some reason I don't recall. We [the parents and I] took only carryons, Mom's decision. Kate not sitting w/ us and the not having luggage was weird. We took a cab to her place. For dinner we went out to eat. I had penne w/ vodka sauce which was good. The hostess who led us to our seats had nice legs.

While we were at her place Mom moved some of Kate's jewelry in front of the intimate areas of a black and white photo of a woman on the cover of a Helmut Newton book; it was funny. Mom's modest that way.

I, on the other hand, like nude women. That's why I like Victoria's Secret; you can look at the photos all you want and the women in them don't feel self conscious.

[As a high school art teacher of mine pointed out when we were drawing a chair; "the chair doesn't feel self-conscious"].

So then Friday Kate and I went to a cupcake place. The cupcakes were good. I had a mint chocolarte that tasted like Andes chocolates. They were about as big as a small plate. Hers was white and chocolate. They both had sprinkles on the tops.

We had pizza for dinner, mine was cheese and basil, hers was **pepperoni. Tthen got ready to go see a show while listening to Don McLean. She wore black jeans and a white shirt. I wore spiderweb tights, my red plaid flats, pink cardigan and this adorable bug blue and white Jean De Gautier skirt. It's short but it's full so I like it. Since the caridgan's long the outfit was. strangely proprotioned. I looked like one of those bookish girls who's going to a '50's prom.

Kate put blush on me for the show.

We took the subway to see Billy Elliot, which I liked and Kate said was dramatic. Well it is a theater, after all. The guy/s who played Billy were very talented dancers. I didn't understand why the coal miners were on strike.

There's a scene where there are giant clothes dancing and Billy and his friend Michael do a little tap number. That was hilarious.

*During intermission Kate goes "I need a boyfriend". I start singing 'You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You' and go "that's Dean Martin", to which she says "Steve Martin, the guy who was in that bride movie?" "yeah he had his own variety show." "Steve Martin had a variety show?" " you know the song that goes 'when the moon hits your eye.....?' ". she nods. 'That's Dean Martin". It was a little confusing. and funny.

The parents stayed in a hotel.

**oh yeah, she's not a vegetarian any more.

more to come! '

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'10th**

So, on Saturday Kate & I went to Central Park. They were having some sort offair thing. All summer, apparently. We got lemonade and dragonfruit VitaminWater from one of the vendors. I put tip money in their tip container. The lemonade was ok. When we were sitting and talking I saw an Indian man dressed entirely in orange go by. I said, "that guy has a story". And Kate said "everyone has a story. Don't you watch The Today Show?".

So we found the carousel which was closed. On our way to the Starlite Diner Kate took a photo of a blue jay for me.

Then we went to the diner which was a lot of fun. While we waited to be seated the waitstaff sang. I danced a bit, not surprisingly. One of the ladies sang that Alicia Keyes song about New York. She was really good. I like that song.

So we sat down. On either side of me were 2 good looking guys w/ their friends, one of whom was having a birthday. Kate wished her happy birthday. They left.

Kate had a veggie burger and I had grilled cheese w/ fries and a chocolate shake. I don't like shakes that much, actually. I mean, I don't not. like them. but they're not my favorite.

The food was good as was the entertainment. I didn't know whether to pay attention to my food or the singing. One of the guys said "no, if we we're working here we're not in a show". Well. Obviously. But it's not that apparent to some people.

Our waitress was Courney. Blue eyed blonde. She was cute. It was her birthday awww yay. She sang 'Part Of Your World'. I told her she was believable. We love Disney.

Among the songs sang were 'Hopelessly Devoted To You', a song from 'Top Gun', 'Part Of Your World' and 'Don't Stop Believin'. All the waitstaff was really good and good looking. The one who sang 'Hopelessly Devoted To You' sang it to this guy Tim whose 21st birthday it was. I don't know how his significant other feels about that lol.

When they sang 'Don't Stop Believin' I had a Glee moment.

I took a video and some photos. Kate took one of me.

I put a dollar in their donation bucket.

So on Sunday we had crepes at this cute little crepe place. I don't remember what kind of crepe Kate had. I had a white chocolate one w/ 2 raspberries and peppermint tea, which Kate advised. It was good.

Later that evening we went to Chipotle. I put a dollar in their tip bin. I had a quesedilla and I think she had a taco. It was also good.

That night we went to my mom's choir thing. She didn't know anyone in the choir. It was at Carnegie Hall, which is very nice. We were sitting in the mezzanine to the leftof the stage. It was a little unnerving. I wore what I'd worn Friday. Kate wore a purple shirt and one of my scarves as a headband. Edie Sedgwick did that too. I wore my chandelier [Edie Sedgwick] earrings.

Before we went into the theater we visited Mom in their hotel room. We gave Dad his birthday/Father's Day card. Down stairs in the lobby there's a giant photo of Judy Garland. aww.

Then we went back across the street to the theater. A children's choir sang poetry written by this guy who'd died young from a condition similar to MS. He got it. Much in the way that Hendrix and Michael Jackson did.

A woman who I assumed was his mom, in a wheelchair, told us his story. She had her helper dog with her; she was in a wheelchair. The dog was like a golden retriever but darker.

So then the breast cancer awareness choir came on. All but 2 were wearing pink ties/scarves. A doctor spoke, introduced herself. Both the choirs sang w/ an orchestra. My mom was in one of the back rows by the wall. A woman in a pink dress read poetry about Susan G. Komen. I think she's on a CBS news show. She didn't introduce herself.

It was all very good.

We met my mom in the lobby and gave her her card then went back to Kate's where I watched Life - great show - and then fell asleep.

So on Monday while waiting for our parents Kate and I talked w/ Joe, her super. He's really nice and really sweet. Has 2 daughters and grew up w/ a sister. He told us about when they went to see the new Shrek movie and they watched in 3D. one of the girls said "Shrek's trying to hit me". It was cute. and funny. He said he doesn't pay to go to the movie he pays to see his kids watch it. I get that. He's seperated from his wife and has a boa constrictor named Hell who one of the previous nights he'd brought out to see everyone.

So after the parents met Joe we left.'

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'11th**

or at least my sister is. about the fact that I have depression. However, she's not pushing me to get a joB. She's not going 'you have to have a job'. It's justso expected in our society. Because everyone does. And the people that don't are trying to get one. I'm not however. I'm not that motivated and due to this whole SSI thing I actually. can't.

I'm fine w/ not having a job. I'm not fine w/ it being the only thing you do with your life in today's society. It's like 'oh well you don't have a job/aren't in school so.......you don't have goals. You're not doing anything w/ your life'. Well what about all those people who are in rehab for drug/alcohol/other? What about people who spend all day reading? That's doing something! [As when you read you learn things which also happens in school].

Apparently, according to her & Mom when I was little I was happy. Really? I don't remember that. But Kate says that's nott he point.

And when I think of 'happy' I think of bubbly outgoing excitable loud people neither of which I am. Well I can be excitable.

That's not who I am. I'm not a happy person. I mean I'm not mean to everyone. But being happy and being nice aren't always the same thing, although sometimes people who are happy are nice. We'd hope.

I feel like they can't accept that. And ok not that they have reason to believe otherwise. As I'm not a very open person. If I'm depressed and you ask how I am the most I'll answer is 'ok', which could mean I'm either actually ok, in the middle of that line between 'good' and 'awful' or that I'm actually not ok. I'm not going to tell you how I actually am.

And, storeclerks when they ask....asthough they really care. I wonder what'd happen if you were to be completely straightforward w/ them? [Actually that happened in the trailer of 'Liar Liar'].

Like they're [being Kate/my mom] stuck w/ this idea that I'm happy. Well that person's gone. And they can't accept that. I cut I get high I have an eating disorder. Do happy people do/have these things? Exactly. No.they don't.

That person's gone.

My mom would describe me as 'optimistic'.That's not all I am and not how I'd describe myself because it makes me feel like I'm just that and that I have tobe. I mean, I'm optimistic about some things, i.e., 'I hope this SSI thing works out' or 'I hope it doesn't rain'.

But I'm also a pessimist. That's how it is when you have depression. I'm cynical, as is my sense of humour. It's cynical, sarcastic, kindof offbeat and....idinno, 'normal'?

I guess, I don't want to end up like my dad, living in a world where bad things aren't noticed. Sure I wantto believe the best of people but I'm also very aware that assault, murder, depression and suchare. um. here. People could tell me I take things too seriously but I hate when people take things too lightly. Like 'oh those things don't happen. my daughter wasn't assaulted. the world's safe'. um. no, it's not.

In fact those'r some of the events in my stories. I wrote one a few years back entitled 'Echo'. about a girl who's abused. it doesn't detail the abuse. It's....sort of a 'frozen in the moment' story. it's very good.

But some of those things are how my life is and, as a writer, I write some of what I know. I remember when I either read or recieved a set of Atrhurian tarot cards from my grandmother, after, she said 'make sure it's/they're positive'. 'It/they' being the readings. Look I can't control how they read. If you want something positive then don't have me read them.

[And yes, for anyone wondering, I believe wholeheartedly in spirits, the power of tarot and other].

um........so, on the subject of depression........

see, this is my other problem w/ therapy. is they always want to 'fix' things. Like, ok you're depressed what do you want to do about it? Nothing. but then if you sit there and don't talk you've wasted your time for the entire session.'

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'12th**

So, on the subway they have this little safety video, part of which states that if you're feeling sick to not get on the subway.

Do they mean if you're sick and contagious or....?

Often times, people are sick without being contagious, such as if they have food poisoning or an upset stomach.

And speaking of that Irish soda bread's good for an upset stomach.

I don't understand....thank you!

:) '

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'So, I'm a little unclear about something.

All my life I've heard you should eat 4 - 5? - servings of fruit daily. What counts as a 'serving'. Is that a slice of an apple, a peach? A cube of watermelon?

If I have 4 slices of an apple would that be 4, servings or...?

Do I have to eat 2 fruits per day ...?

Or would that be one whole apple?

What about vegetables? Or pasta?

if I have one bowl of pasta is that a serving?

And what about juices/fruit drinks? Do those count?

Recently I've started drinking these Fuze peach mango drinks, which I like.

I like that there are other options, like Fuze, V8 and vitamins. I realise it's not the same but this way you don't feel bad if, for whatever reason, you can't/don't eat all the food you're supposed to. you're not stuck.

thank you! '

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'Thank you for answering my previous questions. very helpful.

I've found that I go through food phases. First off, I don't eat breakfast. [yes I know I know].

I don't like eggs, which is a breakfast food. And I don't eat meat.

I like to bake ........but the last time I did I was reminded of how anxious I am and thus, associate baking with that particular occurance.

I feel like a muffin and a smoothie is a good thing to have. You get your bread from the muffin and the fruit from the smoothie. [Again, I realise that's not the same as actually having fruit].

I like oatmeal, it just comes out weird - too dry - when I microwave it. I know how to read the instructions to not make it so dry and yet....

I don't like cereal w/ milk. But I also haven't had it in awhile so maybe I do like it? I didn't like cantaloupe untill I sampled it and discovered I did.

I also sleep untill 11/12, so I miss the time when you're meant to have breakfast.

I'll have lunch dinner sometimes. Often the same thing for both meals. Pasta. With cheese.

Having pasta/mashed potatos w/ vegetables is 2 seperate mealsfor me. Though I'm thinking of buying basil [the spice] and adding that...

In between I'll snack. I'll have yogurt and fruit [apples/raspberries], or carrots and ranch. I don't usually have all of these in a day.

So, I'll have peaches in the summer as well as lemonade, and not really any other time of year. Becayse I associate those things w/ summer. I don't like oranges. Or rice.

I'll have frozen food in the winter, as when it's warm outside I don't want something warm. Though I love warm foods. I eat slightly more during the winter because of this.

So obviously, I need to eat more. More fruits/vegetables, anyway. You could think of it that way, which doesn't help.

Or it could be ok, I don't eat much but I eat healthy. I occassionally eat Reese's. I'm not one of thosepeople who eats a bunch of chocolate and candy and cookies whatnot, though I like cookies.

thinking of it the latter is enouraging

wow. i'm sorry this was such a boring, weird entry.'

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'13th**

So, this is about my other, grandmother. My dad's mom. Carol.

On Thursdsy, my mom updated me on her. Apparently she hasn't been doing too well. She had a doctor's appointment and when Dad phoned and told her he'd be able to drive her, she told him she'd cancelled it.

So my dad went over there and found my grandmother drinking at 2 in the afternoon. My mom doesn't approve of drinking, which is another reason she doesn't know I drink.

Apparently, my grandmother said something about John [her second husband] driving somewhere....maybe it was to get her meds? I don't recall...well, my mom and I both know John doesn't drive. Evidently he doesn't have a short term memory. He'll go into a room and ask 'now what did I come in here for?'.

Also, when my mom mentioned that Kate didn't visit Carol when she washere, she then said, 'of course, you don't visit her either'. Well that's because, 1; were I to visit her she probably wouldn't let me in - not that she lets anyone in, literally, to her place - , B; it's possible my dad'd drive me and, as gone over, 3; there's a river by their place and D; I haven't tried to get to their place by bus yet.

See, I say/think 'oh maybe I'll go to the movies/store/my grandparents' place.....' the next day which, doesn't end up happening.

So, there really isn't a point to ringing my grandmother and asking to come visit when I know she doesn't let anyone in.

I forget where I put things too. But when I set something down I'll sometimes think, 'ok I'm putting my phone on the table' while I'm doing it, which helps.

I also don't want to hear my grandmother tell her version of the story when I know it's not the right version.

At least she was responsible enough to phone and cancel. I'm not a phone person and some people still don't have email, which I prefer for cancelling/making appts., etc, so.

It's frustrating for my mom, which I get. But I think the fact that I try and think of why someone did something, might help.

I usually listen to my mom as opposed to offering an alternative viewpoint.

She says my dad 'has to' email his siblings, which live out of state, and let them know what's going on. He's not that great at getting things done at the moment they need to be, and neither am I. He's also, not all that reliable.

I.e., I know on Thursdays my mom picks me up between 9:15 and 9:30 a.m., and she calls when she gets here. My dad won't call. There was a time when he was 30 minutes late as he decided going to the bank was more important.

If you're meeting me at a certain time then I expect you to be at my place at that time. And if you're going to be late, call.

Although, in away, the fact that my dad doesn't call sortof. um. helps. as he's the only one I know of who doesn't call.

I just like to know what's going on. I also like to be prepared. If my dad comes at an unexpected time, for all he knows I could still be getting ready.

I'm wondering if this has something to do w/ the fact that my grandmother lost her first husband in April.....what, I'm not entirely sure... '

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'14th**

........organised/edited.

[this is the 2nd half of the sentence that goes w/ the entry title].......I notice misspelled words, incorrect grammar, incorrect usuage of a word, etc.And when I come across a sentence that has 1 or more of those mistakes, I want to correct it. The world needs to be edited.

I want the sentence to make sense to me. That's why I want to correct it.

Also, the whole capitalising all your words thing? what is that? It makes the sentence look like a newspaper heading. which it shouldn't be if it isn't.'

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'15th**

i miss him, Michael. his warmth.

The other night I was going to phone him. As in, I had my cell in my hand....and then I thought, and tell him what? exactly. that I miss him? that I'm sorry for reacting? how he's doing? if he wants to get together?

Well yes those are all possibilities....but after I thought through through 2 of them and still didn't feel I'd gotten anywhere. I also phoned Jacob - who now actually isn't a pronoun anymore - and Lindsey. but upon writing this I'm wondering if I wanted to phone Michael because I wanted to talk to him or because I was lonely. or both.

Sometimes I'll think of phoning people and then I'll have nothing to say or won't want to talk so there really isn't a point. I just want them to, idinno. be on the other end even if I don't talk. Jacob used to be that person.

And I think the other person will think it's pointless as well.

so I didn't phone Michael.'

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'as said, TMI. You've been warned.

This entry also explains a little more about me.

Now, you'd think I wear long sleeves because I cut. That's not true, actually, though it used to be.

I um. don't wear a bra. They're pointless and I don't need to.

So, I feel like the fact that I wear long sleeves distracts from this. I'm fine w/ it but others might not be. You know, like when a guy walks around half naked. He might be ok with that but others might not be.

Also, I'd feel weird wearing short sleeves. And I get cold easily, so.'

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'16th**

So, as usual I'm updating at an obscure hour, 40 past 2 a.m.

I'm also a bit intoxicated. Oh I got a new bottle opener, the wing kind. So much easier than the one I had before. So I've been trying to finish up a bottle of....shiraz-grenache. 'Vintage, 2008'. just how is that vintage? '60's wine would be vintage.

It's good, a little bitter. It looks like blood. just an observation.

I'm trying to finish it up because, as said. my mom doesn't approve of anyone drinking. Now, I realise that just because she doesn't approve doesn't mean I can't. It just means. I don't want her knowing.

I need a wine stopper, one of those things you put in the top of the bottle to um. seal it.

[I'm surprisingly comprehensible].

So, today's my mom's parents 60th. We're - the parents and I - going over there, and bringing them flowers. irises. my ideas. It's small and everyone likes flowers.

Then Mom and I are going to CostCo and Target....then hopefully I'll see Robin Hood.

It looks interesting.

Even if I don't like the movie I'll be getting out there.

So, I'm surprised my grandmother's lasted this long. As the song goes 'reason says I should've died 3 years ago'. If she makes it to July she'll be 90. they both will. wow.

I watched the filmed stage production of RENT the other day and liked it; it's different than the movie. They have an actual intermission. 'Funny Girl' has one too.

After watching the Tonys Sunday I was reminded again of how much I love the theater and decided to watch RENT. It's one of my favorite musicals next to Spring Awakening. Jonathon Larson was a genius. He got it. In a way, the message is timeless.

So I really haven't done much this summer, though we're only halfway through June. Before yesterday it rained on and off for 4 days so I really wasn't that inclined to go outside. it seemed easier, as I'm realising upon writing this, to go out when I was living at the parents as everything was a 15 minute walk, so. Rather, everything was within a walking distance of 15 minutes.

My summer activities usually include going to Starbucks, reading at Panera, going to the festivals....oh, so PrideFest is this coming Saturday. I'm pretty excited. Last year's was amazing.

And then Sunday I'm seeing my friend Susie, who I know from middle school, before she goes off to Phoenix for her internship.

I've started writing more, which I was hoping to do. Well, only one entry but it's a start.

I'm hoping to do some things with my mom....go to Wash Park to look at the trees, the Egyptian art exhibit....

in a way, my life isn't that different from hers right now, as she's not working and neither am I. We saw Just Wright, which we both liked. it's warm romantic sweet dramatic.

Oh, so I have new music; Neil Young, who my mom likes, and the new Christina Aguilara. I also have a Wallace & Grommit DVD, which we really like. it's one of 'our things', as Glee is. oh Glee...i've learned a lot of new songs from Glee, and I like learning about new music. it's a brilliant show.

eventually I'll post some photos for yall.'

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'18th**

So, apparently.......SSI news.

The checks are going to start coming in and I have enough EBT money.

And the only jobs I can get are volunteer ones. But I want an actual paying job so I can have my own money.

But, according to my mom, were I to have a paying job the money I'd get from that would detract from the SSI money. yeah so I actually can't have a paying job.

When my dad, mom and I were discussing this Wednesday, my dad pointed out I could volunteer at a library or my elementary school.

Neither of which I go to a lot. or. ever, really.

so if I don't go there now then really, what are the chances........yeah.

I actually never go to the library. And there was that one problem.........you know. taking stuff. Just because I haven't doesn't mean I don't want to.

Like, just because an alcoholic hasn't had a drink doesn't mean they don't want to.

And my elementary school.....took me a long time to come back there. sure they can change it, plant flowers, bring in different students but to me, it'll always be the same. And I don't really want to volunteer somewhere that depresses me.

The latter isn't my fault.

I told my parents that were I to have a volunteer job I'd want it to be 'behind the scenes'. I don't like people........though my parents don't know that. Well, I like children and senior citizens but I don't really consider them in that group, of 'I don't like people'.

Also, there's the commitment problem. I'm not a very commited person. I have a hard time atcually getting up when I do get up and staying up. I think part of that is that I don't get a very good quality of sleep. so my body's trying to make up for it. I honestly feel it's better to get 3 - 4 hours of sleep and sleep really well then get 8 or so hours and. not.

So, there'r also my.......psychological, issues.

I think it's good to have goals I'm just not sure how realistic my 'wanting a job' one is, based on the above.

So

'Course, I could always take a classbut then, again. there's the commitment issue.

And part of it is that I'm bored. Back when Michael & I were friends I at least socialised. But. then he decidedto fuk me over. Though, I didn't clarify when he shot me that message. I didn't go, 'so do you not want to hangout as much, or...?'

My mom and I were talking about this. She mentioned people acquire information different ways. Newspaper, tv, internet.

I watch a lot of tv. and go to the store. and read, I love to read. Although I don't read as often as I should. I love music.

I also feel like I should have a job because it's what society expects of me. Everyone either has a job or is in school. Though I guess it's better to not have one and then lose it and. such.

So my mom asked me what I want. oh good lord. that's. a really big question. I'm better w/ that short term. I.e., 'I want fruit', I want to go to the movies', 'I want to listen to music', etc.

I'm more just thinking outloud here.'

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'20th**

That's what my mom said when we talked about liking the guy's poems being sung at her concert.

Er........wait.

I meant........in New York, she sang w/ a choir at Carnegie Hall. As did a children's choir, which sang first. They sang poems written by a guy who'd died of a condition similar to MS, before he was 13? 14?

So, I told my mom I liked his poems and his story, she said "of course, he's not here to hear it". Them.

ok now how does she know that?

She's entitled to her opinion, as is anyone. But I disagree. I'm one of those people who believes wholeheartedly in spirits. and such.

Just because someone who's died is at peace with.......wherever they are, doesn't mean they still don't watch us from 'up there'. I like the idea. That someone's not completely gone. That a certain smell, song, whatever ........every time you smell that smell, hear that song, you think of them and that's a way of keeping them with you.

Just beause they've died doesn't mean you've forgotten about them.

I don't like that, forgetting about someone as though they never existed in the first place. That's why I could never delete someone I don't talk to, from Facebook or MySpace. I like to know what they're up to.

[Also, were I to do that, then I'd have to go through the whole process of trying to find them again].

I don't like the whole 'you need science to prove everything'.....thing. Well we can't prove there's wind but we know there is. even though we can't see it.

I will say that science is informative and we've learned a lot from it.

I think that once people die they stay the age they are when they die.

On the other side of that, I realise that anyone reading this could go and think 'well you can't prove that spirits do exist'. Well no you're right I can't.

Again, you can't prove you love someone. The world. is not a court of law. not everything can and/or needs to be, proven.

going back to what my mom said. That's kindof like giving up hope. like, 'oh he's not here to hear it so there's no point going on about it'.

wow. that's nice.'

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---

'So, after grocery shopping earlier I went and drank my strawberry-banana smoothie at one of their 2 tables they have outside. A lady, Crystal, who apparently worked there joined me. After about 10 minutes Bill, her co-worker, joined us. They talked about birthdays and then Bill told a story about his 15 year old daughter. Last night after they had dinner he told her he was going to bed and to clear the dishes. Well apparently, when he woke this morning they hadn't been cleared. At which point he unplugged her laptop. Crystal, upon hearing this, said 'good'. It bothered me, but I didn't say anything.

I don't agree with that, at all. I think, had it been me [and, obviously I'd have been older], I would've asked - or, hoped I would've - if the person wanted to talk about why they did/didn't do something, such as not clearing the table. If not, I would've offered the alternative of unplugging the computer.

I think it's important to understand the reason behind something. After all, if you don't know why a lamp's/applicance's broken, ya can't fix it. [Again, I realise you don't 'fix' a person].

At 15, your self-esteem isn't that great to begin with. And I really don't think lowering it is helping.

See? I really am all about helping people.

I understand that, - well, from what I've heard, anyway - as a parent, you have to make difficult decisions. But that doesn't mean I have to agree with them. Hell that doesn't even mean I have to like them!

Although, if, when I was 15, one of my parents had asked me why I didn't/did do something, I sure as hell wouldn't've told them.

It really wasn't my place to say anything. I mean, I don't know their dynamics, for one. I'm 22 and I don't have children. Although, I could.... so who am I to give parenting advice?

Precisely.

Also, since today's Father's Day, you'd think that would've been taken into account. Like, oh, well if he wants something for today, either time spent with his daughter and/or a poem or. mixed CD [which. would be a pretty cool gift to get] or something, then. you know. don't punish her, as that might come back to ya. what goes around. comes around.

I, for one, know that I always try to be nice to people right before their birthdays. I also never try to give them bad news. As I don't want it hanging over their heads.

Again, I'm really not one to give parenting advice.

It really really bothered me, the handling of the situation.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'22nd**

time for another update!

So, 2 weeks ago this Thursday, [June 10], as usual, my mom and I went over to my grandparents. She informed me my grandfather wouldn't be there, as a friend of his had died and he'd gone....wherever the service was.

So Lena, one of my grandmother's helper ladies, was there in my grandmother's room. I've met her before; she's nice, no nonsense, no frills woman. she resembles a troll doll. I'm just making an observation here.

Anyway.

She'd brought Lily, her baby. who I later found outvia my grandmother was her - Lena's, that is - granddaughter. She was so lovely. about 2 months old. really soft; I touched her head, asking first if I could. oh god she was sweet.

I told my mom I'd held Ann Claire's [a friend of my paternal grandmother] granddaughter, who's bigger and curious.

My mom's mom was really happy! I didn't know babies made her so happy. My mom was happy too.

And who doesn't love babies?

well. maybe some people.

My mom learned that along with being my favorite name, lilies are also my favorite flower.

Lily had dark hair. My grandmother said she wasn't very big yet but she was learning.

In a way, senior citizens and kids are a lot alike. As are dogs and kids. They're both in the moment and kindof....innocent, in a way. I'm not a fan of dogs but it's cool they help people. My sister loves them. One of her neighbors - who, she still doesn't know the name of after living there 6 months but she thinks it's Richard - has a black and white dog who's 'really smart and nice', according to Kate.

I don't really interact w/ dogs/kids; I'm more of an observer. Though. I don't really interact w/ people either.

This is why I should live in Paris; it's the perfect spot for people-watching.

ha, kidding.

more on Ann Claire coming >> '

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'So, this weird. And it doesn't make sense to me. And I'm the one who does/doesn't do it, so it. should.

Anyway.

In my living room, I don't have any posters,art, poetry, etc up. I don't want my dad looking at them were they to be up.

I mean, isn't that weird?

That I don't want him looking at them, that is. I don't even know why.

it's like i don't want to be noticed'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'.......still stuck.

By which I mean my dad's birthday/father's day.

I don't like all the tv commercials for father's day. I don't like all the cards. There aren't ever any cards for not being a good role model.

I mean, ok. not that anyone wants to send an un,well card. it's like, 'hey don't get well soon'. wow. aren't we nice. lol.

But it's really hard to find a simple card that says 'happy father's day'.

Not all of us have a relationship with our fathers, good or otherwise.

I think when people think of 'the absence of a father' they think of one who's not physically there, completely forgetting about the others. It's like, if your father's physically there, then you're fine.

Um no no you're not. not always.

And, my grandfather died in April, so. I don't miss him, really as I didn't really know him. It's just different.

And my dad's just about the only person I feel I have to get a gift for. Usually chocolates. It's nonemotional and he likes them.

In a way, not having my dad emotionally available's taught me to be a strong, independent, self sufficient women.

Kate and I were talking about this my last night in New York. she said she feels the exact same way about him that I do. um. no. not the exact same way. He doesn't trigger her. She hasn't been assaulted.

Ok so he doesn't trigger me that much. still it's still there.

She pointed out that while she was staying at the parents she did stuff with them. well that's just great. wow.

yeah it bothers me. because we've never been a typical family. my parents sleep in seperate beds, they're not all romantic towards each other - come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen them hug or kiss - we've never had family dinners. and that's always just theway it was.

and that was normal for me. You know all those Stouffer's family dinner commercials? that's weird to me. who are you people?

I don't want someone to turn us into a typical family. because I don't want to be mainstream. I don't notice those people those artists.

yeah i guess i have this assumption that you change that one thing you change everything else too.

Apparently, according to Kate, I'm still stuck, in that I haven't tried to have a relationship w/ Dad. Um have I mentioned he triggers me? yeah.

I want a dad; I just don't want the one I have. ok that sounds horrible. I meant........I don't want one who's. er. different.

We're supposed to accept our parents. right? yes right. as though it's really that simple.

So maybe psychologically I see people like Michael and Jacob as. um. whatever the phrase would be. er......protectors, I guess. which my dad hasn't done in awhile.

Maybe in a way I do have a bit of an Elektra complex. it's the female equivelant of the Oedipus complex. think Charlie in '2 & A Half Men'.

oh!

no wait.

Like, I'm looking for people such as Michael & Jacob to give me what my dad didn't. hasn't.

which is really sad, ya know. that i don't depend on my dad.

So yeah, in a lot of ways I am stuck. I don't change.

But because Kate'll strike up a conversation w/ Dad I won't. I'm also actually really shy and I literally don't know what kindof questions to ask people. it's not that obvious to me.

now this doesn't neccessarily mean that were Kate to not do that I would, as I probably wouldn't. but that whole thing about......not being able to control what others do, only you.

that's it.

what I'm saying is that the only person I can control is me.

she was saying how his dad just died......and I was saying how I got more info from his obituary than people. Kate said 'ya and I don't want the same thing to happen w/ Dad'.

well, frankly I don't think that far into the future. good lord.

I think of that as ok, well it's fuked up but it is. how it is.

but then there's the John Lennon thing. he didn't have a relationship w/ his dad either.

and maybe if my dad had been there i wouldn't've been assaulted. yes i blame him hell yes. just like I blame the education system for not telling us everything we need to know regarding assault. If they'd kept me informed then I'd've been more aware.

but they didn't and it's too late.

it's funny; my mom's the one who's had to be the protector. or, that one June day when she and Kate were fighting on the stairs, I was the one who defended Kate. I was the one who told my mom not to hurt her.

And my dad?

didn't do a damn thing. just sat there in the living room and watched tv.

I don't care if he was scared of my mom. You think I wasn't at the time and that I haven't been all these years? But I still went up there. I still did something. Because there's no way in hell I'm letting my mom hurt my sister. Or, anyone. Now I won't intervene as I know won't like that. but no. That's not right and it's not cool. Ever.

It's a father's job to protect his daughters. I shouldn't've had to do th t but no one else would.

Ok so maybe as a sibling it was my job.

Ok pardon my vulgarity here but seriously. grow a pair.

In a way I'm stronger than my dad. Beause I've learned from my mom how to be.

damn straight he taught me something. he taught me how to be a strong, independent, self sufficient woman. also. how to sew, which isn't much.

Unlike my mom, who taught me to always be aware, be careful.

Oh so on the subject of triggering; on the plane ride back home from the city he put his hand on my knee. seriously? i have fregin ptsd. how fukin oblivious can ya be?

and again, i don't care if he knows or not. you don't do that. no.

I would never do that.......not that I'm 'better' than anyone. I'm just extremely perceptive.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'...loss.

When you have nothing to do it's a lot easier to relapse. Esp.in the summer when it's warm out. I lose weight I get colder ......and because it's warm out I'm not hot.

And in the winter, when it's already cold end everyone's wearing layers anyway....it's not a problem.

When you don't live with anyone no one noticesif you've lost/gained weight. Which means you can relapse further and further and further.......see, the weird thing is I don't lose/gain more than 5 pounds, at most. It's weird. It's like my body won't let me lose more than 5 lbs.

I'm astounded I don't have more symptoms, given the number of times I've relapsed. Honestly.

Like just how the hell can someone get this sick relapse this much and still. be able to function for long periods of time.

Actually. you can't.

See, not only, if you don't eat are you thinking about how hungry you are. But soon enough, you can't think. Like. you're literally unable to think as well. [As in, as well as you used to. not as in, also].

I actually think part of this has to do with my issues with personal space. If - and when - I gain weight, I take up slightly less space and therefore I'm in other people's personal space. which means. they're in mine. which, I don't like as that makes me anxious.

So maybe a relapse is a way to prevent anxiety? hm.

Nowadays there's so much about weight loss. What about those of us who are trying to gain weight? they sure as hell don't notice us.

it's all about the money. yeah ok i get that.

in a way it's subliminal messaging.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

---

'as usual, one of those long entries that covers 3+ topics.

So, last summer I made a vow to myself. And I never make vows. because. I always end up breaking them. Promises are very important to me.

I made a vow to myself in high school too, and that one still stands. That vow was that if my mom ever did anything to me again, I'd tell someone. So far she hasn't. But it's still there.

The vow I made last summer was that I wouldn't end up like Karen Carpenter. I wouldn't die from my disease. A disease. Sure we can sugarcoat it sure we can say it's a damn 'coping mechanism' but aren't we just lying to ourselves? Going 'oh it's a coping mechanism' so that makes it ok to have this potentially lethal disease. Potentially. for some.

Scientifically, medically speaking, it's a disease.

seems I'm going back on my word. No. I'm not dying. But.......maybe it's just the loneliness seeping in that made me think that. like, oh I'm lonely might as well break that'........After all, wouldn't I not relapse at all if I really were trying to recover?

I'd try harder and harder.

But, my body won't let me get sick so often. Cause. Even if you don't want to live your body will make you. And that's why insomnia's a survival tactic. it will force you to stay awake in search for food. it sucks.

I'm a lot more open about my disease in these past 2 entries. than I've been prior.

But, just because someone's a druggie......an alcoholic....a cutter, has an eating disorder, whatever. doesn't change who they themselves are. As I told my sister when she was recovering from her surgery. Sure you might act different but there are some parts of you that were there before the addictions.

And yes, far away as it seems, there was a Before.

just like there was a Before for the assault. for anything.

But, everything happens for a reason. so I thought that, for a reason. the breaking the vow thing. I mean, ....I didn't just think 'oh I'll go back on my Karen Carpenter vow because....'.

yes i know i can be too hard on myself.

damnit damnit damnit!

it's. frustrating.

or maybe I just need encouragement. [yes please].

So, I danced at PrideFest. I had fun. [more on that later]. I was dancing in a crowd of people and it just had that....energy to it. that communal energy. At PrideFest no on cares. they don't care if you're gay or straight or a lesbian or bi or. whatever. there's so much love there. they don't judge. as Michael pointed out when we were discussing clubbing; 'it's hard to feel like an outcast' because everyone is. and they all come together.

come together, right now. over me.

and there were dogs there, which is pretty cool. aww they wanted to celebrate PrideFest too!

ok sorry. dogs also don't judge. they don't care what you look like or your social status. Oh, 'there' being PrideFest. the dogs being there just added to the amount of love.

so, because of all that, I missed Michael.

'and maybe someday sugar I'll be coming back to you'. so I'm thinking of writing a new poem and that'll be a line in it.

I'm starting to become a Lady Gaga fan. Her music's fun. She's unusual which I like.

remember when I decided to start on my journey of self-discovery? [ok well maybe you don't. it happened]. like, really work on it? yeah...whatever happened to that.....

well thanks for reading'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'Omygod.

I'm so damn frustrated.

I looked in the mirror today.

I'm........er. 'fat'.

Well, I'm not tiny dancer thin. but I'm not er.

I could lose 3 pounds. I hate food momentarily because it makes me eat. By the end of the day I'm so hungry. I stocked up on all this food. And I don't want to eat it as then I'll have to buy more which. for some reason. I don't want to do.

Wait. that's how out of it I am, 'i hate food because it makes me eat'. lol.

That's not what I meant at all.

I meant...I get so hungry that by the end of the day it's hard to resist food.

Ok.

So I'm doing this because.....maybe it mirrors my grandfather dying. He dies, I lose him, I lose weight. Michael fuks me over ,same thing.

And, as I discovered today, just because I've written about it doesn't mean it won't manifest itself physically.

But it's how I feel, 'fat'. I got my period; so the one thing I don't wan t to get bigger. has. 2 things. rather.

I can see my bones. Giant bones in a land of fat. it's disgusting.

in a way I want someone to read this and go 'hey are you ok? do you want totalk about it? or you could just call meup and not talk'.

for the first time in a long time I wanted to cut. still do. fuk.

Over the past year I've discovered the difference between being/feeling physically fat and emotionally 'fat'. It's easier to say 'fat'. and to type this ratherthan h andwrite.

'Hallelujah' was sung on America's Got Talent last night. I absolutely love that song. It's one of those defining songs. My mom also really likes it.

well this morning is not off to a great start. and it's sunny. 'course. sitting around doing nothing probably isn't any help. well. it's only 6:30 a.m. '

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'24th**

lol.

not just physically.

Idinno......maybe emotionally. yes. It was very surreal. 'like a dream...no end and no beginning' - Madonna, 'Like A Prayer'.

The moon was out. she was beautiful, sad. and even though she was sad, as was I, I liked that she was out. She was full.

A friend of mine went into labor last night. I found out via her Facebook status.

I was wearing flats, which were fitting. one would hope. The flats my sister wore at my high school graduation and later gave to me.

They're not just fitting physically, but also emotionally. they're light and delicate and very dancer like. just like me.

oh, and cute. The whole point of flats is they go flat in your carry on/suitcase.

I tried to find the stars; I saw a few. 'why do they look so small?'. maybe because they're seen from a distance. As with drawing; if you want to draw something from a distance, it's small. How that works I'm not entirely sure.

the more you look for the stars the more that appear.

I bought food, which seems ridiclous, as I won't eat it.

Everything took longer yesterday. I fixed my toilet. Well. But it's like, ok I moved stuff off the floor in case it overflowed. And then I had to stop. I fixed it best I could.

There were breaks in between steps, is what I'm saying. There usually aren't.

I slept from 11:30 a.m. to 8:15 p.m., apparently. watched America's Got Talent. So far, I like the French dancer, Gabby Sidabay's mom, the indoor kite flyer, the group that sang 'Hallelujah' and the wall climbing dancers.

So I organised a bit, my kitchen drawers. I moved my giant wall calander, put a plastic blue summer tablecloth on my table. now the living room's a bit brighter. The tablecloth doesn't match my furniture, which is green and sort of brown/dark pink. The tablecloth's bright blue. It has watermelons on it.

In Florida, I changed my tablecloths according to the season/holiday.

Everything took longer yesterday. I fixed my toilet. Well. But it's like, ok I moved stuff off the floor in case it overflowed. And then I had to stop. I fixed it best I could.

There were breaks in between steps, is what I'm saying. There usually aren't.

I slept from 11:30 a.m. to 8:15 p.m., apparently. watched America's Got Talent. So far, I like the French dancer, Gabby Sidabay's mom, the indoor kite flyer, the group that sang 'Hallelujah' and the wall climbing dancers.

So I organised a bit, my kitchen drawers. I moved my giant wall calander, put a plastic blue summer tablecloth on my table. now the living room's a bit brighter. The tablecloth doesn't match my furniture, which is green and sort of brown/dark pink. The tablecloth's bright blue. It has watermelons on it.

In Florida, I changed my tablecloths according to the season/holiday.

Everything took longer yesterday. I fixed my toilet. Well. But it's like, ok I moved stuff off the floor in case it overflowed. And then I had to stop. I fixed it best I could.

There were breaks in between steps, is what I'm saying. There usually aren't.

I slept from 11:30 a.m. to 8:15 p.m., apparently. watched America's Got Talent. So far, I like the French dancer, Gabby Sidabay's mom, the indoor kite flyer, the group that sang 'Hallelujah' and the wall climbing dancers.

So I organised a bit, my kitchen drawers. I moved my giant wall calander, put a plastic blue summer tablecloth on my table. now the living room's a bit brighter. The tablecloth doesn't match my furniture, which is green and sort of brown/dark pink. The tablecloth's bright blue. It has watermelons on it.

In Florida, I changed my tablecloths according to the season/holiday.

Everything took longer yesterday. I fixed my toilet. Well. But it's like, ok I moved stuff off the floor in case it overflowed. And then I had to stop. I fixed it best I could.

There were breaks in between steps, is what I'm saying. There usually aren't.

I slept from 11:30 a.m. to 8:15 p.m., apparently. watched America's Got Talent. So far, I like the French dancer, Gabby Sidabay's mom, the indoor kite flyer, the group that sang 'Hallelujah' and the wall climbing dancers.

So I organised a bit, my kitchen drawers. I moved my giant wall calander, put a plastic blue summer tablecloth on my table. now the living room's a bit brighter. The tablecloth doesn't match my furniture, which is green and sort of brown/dark pink. The tablecloth's bright blue. It has watermelons on it.

In Florida, I changed my tablecloths according to the season/holiday.

Everything took longer yesterday. I fixed my toilet. Well. But it's like, ok I moved stuff off the floor in case it overflowed. And then I had to stop. I fixed it best I could.

There were breaks in between steps, is what I'm saying. There usually aren't.

I slept from 11:30 a.m. to 8:15 p.m., apparently. watched America's Got Talent. So far, I like the French dancer, Gabby Sidabay's mom, the indoor kite flyer, the group that sang 'Hallelujah' and the wall climbing dancers.

So I organised a bit, my kitchen drawers. I moved my giant wall calander, put a plastic blue summer tablecloth on my table. now the living room's a bit brighter. The tablecloth doesn't match my furniture, which is green and sort of brown/dark pink. The tablecloth's bright blue. It has watermelons on it.

In Florida, I changed my tablecloths according to the season/holiday.

I put 2 posters up in my room, a Stairway To Heaven one [which, every cool person should have. it just works. that song makes me cry. i love it] and a Christian Reese Lassen one, to the right of my bed. Of my Audrey Hepburn poster I bought myself for my 22nd birthday. She's so beautiful. I still haven't seen Breakfast At Tiffany's. I like the water colors in the one poster and the black and white photograph of Hepburn in the other.

so that's what I did last night.

I'm thinking of buying either a small yellow pillow or rug. I love yellow and I don't have much of it. It makes me happy. It's a safe color. I feel like, if you have things in your place that you love, that make you happy then you'll be happy.er.

I'm hoping to see the new 'Sex & The City' movie this weekend; it looks fun. And I could use fun. I really liked the first one. I also really liked the last movie I saw, Marmaduke. it was cute, funny, sweet.

I never see a movie right when it comes out.

Today my mom and I are going to her parents, as usual. My grandmother'll probably repeat herself. But, in a way it's nice. It's also annoying. could go either way. it's nice to know that doesn't change. not yet, anyway. they'll both be 90 next month.

I remember, a few years ago there was a commercial about......drugs, or something. It stated something to the effect of 'you're annoyed when they're loud; think of how it'll be when they're quiet'. it was about teens. It's the same way w/ my grandmother, as stated above.

After, we're going to visit my dad's mom [Carol]. I'll really be the one visiting as my mom's taking care of some of her paperwork.

As usual I'm listening to music. It's become a habit. I never realised untill right now just how much a part of my day it is. We hear it on tv, in stores....I've discovered a new artist I like, Pat Benatar.

So apparently, the nurse in that iconic 1940's war photo - entitled 'Kissing The War Goodbye', taken in Times Square, May 8,1945 - died. I love that photo, it's one of my favorites. She has a great figure. Had?

I had some tea last night, honey vanilla chamomile, while watching tv. it was good. I said I'd start drinking more tea. I've also heard that that kind of tea helps you sleep. I also think if you believe something's going to work, it will. The placebo effect, as it were.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

**'Michael, that is. via IM.

Saying I didn't know if he still wanted to be friends or not, I know I blew things out of proportion and that I'm needy but have actually become less needy over time. So we're both at fault. But that hurt. If he still wants to be friends then give me a buzz. otherwise....'

well, we'll see. Obviously, as with anything like this, I'm hoping. but not holdin my breath.

This way, he knows he hurts me. and I'm not pointing the finger of blame.....though I still really want to.

sigh.

sometimes. ya have to be civil.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'So, my mom and I visited my dad's mom today. My uncle was there too.

Apparently she's been having some health problems. Vertigo, nauseau, dizziness and such. She was a ballet teacher for 30 years, where she had control over her body. She made her living from her body. So, in a way, dancing's somewhat like prostitution. Hence. the title of this entry.

And now she doesn't. She has 3 nurses visiting her at least 2x a week, each. To help her, which she doesn't like.

She's hardened; she used to be all sweet and lovely, like me. [And, on that note, interestingly enough Kate's actually become more patient with me, though she's still painfully honest]. But my grandmother isn't as nice. When she talked about one of her nurses, Danielle, she wasn't nice.

No. That's not right and it's not ok.

But I'm not supposed to say that to her. I'm just supposed to sit there and listen. Just like I always do.

She was always someone who had things her way and, up untill now, I never saw that. She misses her house in Littleton [well. so do I], her first husband just died in April and now she has these nurses to visit her.

ok I get that. I do. Things keep tumbling and they haven't had a chance to stop.

Ya know what my mom told me?

she said that when Kate visited, my grandmother wouldn't get out of bed for her. which she did for me.

Yeah trust me, that's not as flattering as you'd presume.

It's, a little hurtful. Like, our dad apparently wouldn't help pay for her - Kate's - schooling. and such. So I wonder if there's some kind of connection there.......I mean, Carol is Dad's mom, so.

Again. you don't hurt my sister. I don't care.

Hell I felt lost when my grandfather died. And I didn't even know him that well! But I've had time, to feel lost. I don't have different people visiting me. Ya know?

I felt fuked over when Michael shot me that message.......but shit man. I've found myself. through music through writing through this. Joan Madonna Glee. whatever. I listen to music every fukin day! I love it.

and unfortunately. through a relapse.

I'm doing something and I've done something since, whether I'm aware of it or not.

on my own/pretending he's beside me. all alone/i walk with him till morning........yeah pretty much. from Les Mis, by the way.

Oh, also. My grandmother drinks, which as said, my mom doesn't approve of. She doesn't get that if you take antidepression meds w/ alcohol, it won't work....being that alcohol's actually a depressant. it's also technically a drug. so mixing drugs with drugs...

I drink too, occasionally. but not every day. I mean, I could I very well could. However I don't want to become that selfish. ever.

my grandmother's been depressed. well yeah, given she drinks 1 - 2 glasses of wine every day, that's not surprising. and, the other factors listed. And her 2nd husband, John comes from a drinking family. so I'm wondering if that's increasing it....he's the one who physically gives her the wine. which could be also increasing her drinking and her loss of control.

It's frustrating......this, the relapse. And the relapse, is, in fact. how it's all physically manifesting itself.

TMI

oh, on that topic; I just recently realised that if you don't drink enough, then eventually I think, your. well, your body won't be able to pass it via your kidneys. either that, or from an eating disorder they're out of whack so they go insane and you have to. well. you know.

which scares me. so that's my motivator for drinking juice and tea and. such.

TMI End'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'25th**

So, I don't think I was as clear as I could've been. Something. I have trouble with.

The antidepression/antinausea meds help my grandmother get better. If she drinks and takes them, they won't work, as said.

My mom and Jamie [one of the nurses] were talking about this, deciding that my grandmother needs to drink something besides wine and eat [it doesn't have to be a full meal. a piece of toast, Jamie said] in order for the meds to work. better.

So they didn't say my grandmother couldn't drink; just that she needs to drink less. to change it.

so I hope that helped'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'more on yesterday.

Up untill yesterday, I'd always thought of my grandmother as sweet and lovely. Which. She was.

Yeah life's not fair for me either. it never has been. But I'm nice. despite things. because I know what it's like. And because she's become hardened I've been made aware of just how nice I am.

Usually I don't try to be sweet, it just happens.

I wanted to see her. and now. I'm not so sure. but Mom and I promised her we'd see her next week. And really. don't have much else to do.

And because I'm apparently not supposed to go 'hey that's not right', because I'm a dancer......everything I'm feeling is expressed through my body. the way I move how much weight I've gained/lost. it's a sign for someone to look and think 'wow ok something's wrong'.

unfortunately not everyone's as perceptive as I am.

And, this is bringing Carol's husband John down, which his family's worried about. so. It's not just her it's the people around her.

this is new, and I'm not sure I like it. We were close and now. she's putting up walls. [ok yes i should talk]. The more anger you put out there, into the universe, the more it won't make things easy for you. I really believe that.

My mom thinks Carol's addicted to alcohol. I don't. but I don't want to.....I don't want to believe she's changed. You know I always look for the best in people.

maybe i am in denial.

But, as Kate pointed out. just because you're an alcoholic doesn't mean you're a bad person. it just means you have a problem with alcohol.

So that's one way to think of it.

I definately relate to addictions. Another part of is that I'm used to people my age having addictions, so.

As my uncle [Dad's brother] pointed out, wine's associated with many things. In France, it's cultural. Same as having popcorn at the movies or cake at a party. Ya had a bad day have a drink. It's Friday, the end of the work week. Go out with your friends and have a drink. Hey it's New Year's! same thing.

And we use that vice, good or bad, every time that event occurs, so, pretty soon it becomes habitual.

I just realised that not all vices are 'bad'. Listening to music, going for walks, reading are all good ones.

With Bonnie [Mom's mom] sure, she actually physically can't do a whole lot, but it's kindof a relief. It's not complicated. just sad.

I'm not sure which I prefer. ya win some ya lose some.

thanks for the notes'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'vicious vicious hell/a vicious cycle.

and I'm too apathetic to give a damn. which is funny because. that's precisely the definition of apathetic.

this, referring to the relapse.

sure yeah i could eat. i could not. do this. I don't have to.

and yet.

i am.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'So I went back there today. to The River. because something was pulling me.

It was so. beautiful. and peaceful. I guess I'm wary of it because it's secluded. overgrown. Still. undisturbed. and yet....it was disturbed because that's where the assault happened.

I saw a butterfly. one of my favorite things.

I didn't realise, untill today, that it meant more than assault. It was home, in a really weird way. I felt so beautiful with him. Wanted. Important. like nothing else mattered. You know how it is when you're in a relationship. you're at home with the person.

And yet, just like with my parents' place, that 'home' was another place where I was physically hurt.

we spent so much time together. i don't recall where we went during winter. we must've gone somewhere though...

there'll always be holes. confusion. I wonder if I'll always refer to him as him.

[oh, if anyone's wondering, Mark from the movie RENT looks exactly like him. exactly. could be another reason I don't watch RENT often....not that I do any of my DVDs].

took me a long time to come back there the first time. helluva long time.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'26th**

oh god.

Last summer......was a summer of love. discovery. learning. events.

I remember, on July 4th, I met Kate at the [Cherry Creek] arts festival. She was wearing a purple dress. We ate crepes at the crepery in Cherry Creek. we talked about Evan. I took pictures of the crepes. Mine was nutella; god it was amazing.

On our way up Milwaukee [my parents live on Fillmore; the street next to that is Milwaukee. I realise, if you don't live in Cherry Creek, this means nothing] she rescued a bee. I have a picture of that, her crouched down in her purple dress, her hair shining.

I danced at the festival, saw a guy who reminded me of Marlely. participated in a rain dance which was cheesy but fun. Danced to 'Hallelujah', thinking when the guitarist was talking about one of his favorite Cohen songs 'no this can't be it'. and it was. passionate. danced to Zeppelin music, which the band told us was 'gypsy music'. A senior citizen told me I had a good sense of rhythm. I could feel him watching me while I danced. When I told him I loved music he said 'I could tell'.

saw PHAMALy perform a part of their latest, 'Sideshow', uncostomed. they're so good. I had this awful Greek yogurt. thick.

I lost one of my gold star earrings down at the festival, telling my dad that the lost one looked just like the remaining one. Looking back, I realise what an obvious statement that is.

I still have the remaining one.

went to PrideFest for the first time; a woman danced with me. she was smokin.

spent time at the bookstore downtown, writing. and writing. and writing. in the children's section. recovery writing.

spent time sick, climbing up and then down. and then up. got in trouble for not making my dentist appt., which was later rescheduled. That day in July was the first time I went to Chipotle; I ordered a soda, got a Sprite. sat down and drank it, trying to counteract my low blood sugar. I also went to King Soopers, before Chipotle. I don't remember if I bought any groceries.

I was floating that day.

In August I turned 22. it was great. We had a small family get-together. Evan came. my grandmother's friend Ann Claire [and yes I'll write about her] came too. She gave me a crystal; Kate and Evan gave me a dream box. I still have both. my favorite gifts. Ann Claire also brought purple flowers.

Someone, I think my dad, took a photo of me with this ridiclous, giant green and yellow bow on my head. As Kate would say "oh Anne". yes because that's part of who I am. Kate made me a chocolate cake with sour cream frosting. The frosting was weird. We had tiny quiches.

My mom's mom, when we went over there, told me 'congratulations'. With everything going on with her...she still rememberered me.

After, Kate, Evan and I went to Target, where Evan tried on a hat and ran around. Then we went to a diner. it was fun. We then went to see Mamma Mia at an outdoor film.....thing. it was incredible; we were right in the middle of a lightning storm. Evan told me he could get something from the car, as I was getting quite wet. [it was raining]. but I didn't want him to. I was like a frog aww. ok, sorry.

for once I felt everything.

I danced, at the end of the movie. They gave me 22 balloons earlier, 3 sets of 7 and 1.

I phoned Jacob that night, told him all about it.

That summer, Kate and I also saw 'Funny People' downtown, which I didn't like. we had dinner at Maggiano's, I, this weird larva pasta.

We also bumped into each other at the mall [Cherry Creek] one day; she was pale [well she's always been pale]. I thought she looked familiar and pretty. Then realised who it was. She told me about her trip to New Orleans; she and Evan had a sign that said 'we need staples'. I questioned her on this; "like supplies or the metal things?" "oh that would make a lot more sense. we were thinking the metal things," she told me. "You know, like pasta could be a kitchen staple".

wow'

**____________________________________________________________________________

**'and yet i do.

oh. yeah. what, by relapsing?

fuking great coping mechanism that is.

it's a coping mechanism nonetheless. regardless.

oh, so that makes it ok? it's like, 'oh well it's a coping mechanism'. doesn't that let it go on longer?

not that i want anyone to go 'you have to fukin eat'. no.

I phoned Lindsey earlier. I just....she knows me so well and. yeah I fuked things up between us. yeah I'm sorry. yeah that doesn't change much.

Still, ya know? she's comfortable.

Well, I just. need that right now.

I got myself into this so it's somehow my fault. But there's no way in hell I want to go through this alone.

I fukin hate it. I've lost a bit of weight which is exactly what I wanted. and now that I'm there.......I don't. and I'll have to work just that much harder to climb back up. it is such. a bitch.

I feel like hell. everything takes so much longer it's slower. takes so much effort.

I hate effort.

the thing about being a dancer is that we make it look effortless. magical.

beautiful.

Where's my magic?

'course. sitting around doing nothing probably isn't helping my depression any.

so, then there's this choice; i either go somewhere and risk getting sick, feeling better emotionally or.

I stay at my place.

my legs feel heavy with pain. not that much pain. there's something about pain that makes you feel heavy and i'm not really sure what.

what's weird is I'm "desperate" enough to phone Lee, this guy I knew in high school, and ask to hang out. And the very reason we're not friends is because he did/does pot and that wasn't a world I wanted to get sucked into.

wasn't. wasn't?

wow.

'Creep', by Radiohead, says it all. lately.

it's ironic; the very disease that could potentially kill me is the very same one that.......that.....that's reminding me that ya. i'm still fukin here.

but it's summer. I'm supposed to be doing nothing. just like everyone else.

However....I did a bit of recovery writing yesterday. i think it was yesterday.

On the choices; do I have a 3rd option?

yeah, actually.

I remember, about a year or so ago, Lindsey told me that if I ever needed to get away, as it were, I was welcome....and I wonder if that still stands. I mean, ...cuz. it'd be nice to stay somewhere else.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

---

'27th

this was actually from yesterday.

So, the most interesting part of my day was......when my key got stuck in the lock. I was on my way out. I managed to turn the lock, which was difficult. I considered getting my tool box and unscrewing the handle from the door but then my door'd be left open, so. i didn't do that.

I phoned my dad, who came over and fixed it. I waited outside. I'd really have preferred to wait inside but you know. being that my key was stuck. I wanted to wait inside because people unnerve me, as said. There were a few outside.

When my dad came I didn't have my key. I mean.....if something were to happen and I had to defend myself. Also, I'm so used to having my key set in my hands. that. it feels weird not to. I realise, PTSD's a bit of an illogical disorder. I mean, my dad's triggered me but he hasn't.....like. done anything more.

He initiated the small talk; I really wasn't in the mood. not because of him, because of the relapse. He said, "why don't you take out the trash?", probably meant as a suggestion. Um, why? well because I don't want to at the time.

so I didn't.

He asked if I'd read anything from the small poetry book he'd given me; I hadn't. I don't know whether to be glad he thought of me or bothered by the fact that he's still trying to buy me love. [Again, not a prostitute]. He has my love. I love him I just don't like him. And, probably that I don't tell him I love him. I don't tell my mom that either. She'll say it and I'll go 'me too'.

It's actually really hard for me to say. Some words are like that for me. 'Beautiful' is another one. I have no problem actually typing them.....this is the first time I've admitted that. I've always felt weird about that; like, it's easy for others to say thar. Right?

I'll come close and say something's really really pretty.

I think about my little quirks, and wonder if someone 'out there' is reading, has read,my entries and going 'hey me too!'. I don't think of my quirks as being lonely. As in.........'oh I'm lonely because I feel like I'm the only one who.....'. . No that's not it at all, though it's often the first feeling one would have upon reading that. The wondering is a musing.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'Not only because I'm unnerved by people but also. because I don't trust him.

[well. obviously]. Not in that way.

In the way that....I don't trust him enough to not take out more trash when I'm taking it out. Since he was the one who suggested it, ya know. Like, well he suggested it so.....it means if I leave to take it out he'll bring more. as the idea's already in his head.

And I don't trust him enough not to go upstairs and fix something else.

Even though he triggers me [and again. not a lot], I still have to stay where he is so he won't do either of those things.

I've never not. done that. I've never done something else while he's doing what he came over to do.

but I've also. never let myself do that.

it's a bit like always being on gaurd.

Whereas with my mom, were she come over to fix something [which she's never done. um.....ok, better example] er. go over paperwork w/ me, she does just that. If she comes over w/ paperwork then I know that's all that's going to happen.

Just like, I don't trust Lindsey enough to not read my entries and go 'oh well you could always......' whatever it is.

Which, if anyone's wondering, is the reason some of my entries don't allow for notes. well. A reason.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'Yesterday..........

there's something about my disease that makes me feel. hm. more self aware, physically. Esp. if I've not eaten for an extended period of time. Always moving precariously, slower. more carefully. but trying not to let on, make it too obvious.

This is why the people who know you should physically be there. You know. so they're aware. 'Ok she's moving more slowly, more carefully because she's relapsed'. and just. let that be it.

i hold myself more delicately. in the past. since Friday. not as much today though.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'28th**

Last summer I didn't. Listen that is.

I'd be walking rapidly in order to get home my body screaming my breathing heightened. my body hated me then. I wrote a poem about it.

I wrote a lot of recovery poems. actually.

I hate walking slowly. I don't like people who do. not the people themselves; the fact that they walk slowly.

It's funny, because I'm not in any hurry. I guess I do it because. as said. If I walked as slowly as they do then they might stop me and talk and. as said.

I hate walking slowly. but it beats the hell out of the alternative.

thing is. I don't think I walk quickly. I think I walk at normal speed.

This isn't really about walking though. It's about listening.

well. I am and I'm not. listening.

My legs will hurt and. I won't eat, in order to get them to stop.

They don't hurt that much. it's more of an inconvenience than anything. scale of 1 - 10, a........4. 6 is considered bad. According to my mom I have a high pain tolerance. Maybe because I've been cutting all these years.

It's interesting; I'm a good listener when it comes to others. I'll stay up nights, emailing you back and forth if you have an issue.....I'll sit there, as though I have all the time in the world.

because I do.

and when it comes to listening to me, to what I want what my body wants I'm. actually not that great at it.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'That's one of the hardest things for me to do, is be nice to me.

I have this theory that because I'm so nice to everyone else I don't have the capacity to be nice to me. So maybe if I wasn't as nice to everyone.......? I'd be nice to me. It's either one or the other.

And to forgive myself for not eating/cutting/relapsing. I can tell myself it's ok that I've done such things time and time again but untill I start to actually believe it. won't mean a damn thing.

I read in the book 'Overcoming Emotional Eating', Geneen Roth, [which I've recently bought] that you should give yourself permission to binge. So it's the same w/ cutting/relapsing. As if you did that, you wouldn't feel as bad.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'......together are what everyone needs to hear.

Ya know when you lie and you kindof break?

yeah that's what I meant by the title.

omygod. i'm so damn frustrated. frustrated with the lack of support.......with myself for not being able to relapse and eating. not feeling good about eating.

i'm fine.

and a voice goes 'you just cut. you're not fine'.

they'll never see it though.

I phoned my mom and she asked if everything was ok here. I guess, referring to the fact that my key got stuck the other day.

I have pills. I'm just......I want out. of this 'decorating scheme', as it were. that's from 'Virgin Suicides', by the way.

yeah. things. things are.....fine. but even i know what a lie that is.

pointless.

i know you don't want to read this. i know you're worried.

well. you have a right to be.

my best friend right now is the razor blade. is the disease that killed Karen Carpenter.

because yeah. friends kill. they try to, anyway.

and just how in the hell can i be numb when i'm feeling everything?

god i'm so overemotional. if i didn't know any better i'd think i'm having my period. i'm not though already had it.

i'm not going to not put something in here just because it might. be worrisome. that's not the way it works.

wow i'm a bitch when i don't eat.

yes a little more support would be great.

but the razor's there, food's there when no one else is.

don't tell me to calm down [although you're right]; tell me you get it

don't tell me i'm not fat; tell me. again.

i'm sorry.

there's a reason i'm leaving this noteless. i don't know the reason right now.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'29th**

I've become a city. on Friday, I was.

The city I'm referring to is London. You know that Michael Buble song 'A Foggy Day In London Town'? well ok maybe you don't. anyway, he has a song entitled. such. not to state the obvious or anything.

And apparently every once in awhile, Denver's foggy.

You know. floating. dizzy. so far away from everything.

Cyndi Lauper [and Eva Cassidy, who covered it. god i love Eva Cassidy. there's not a song the woman doesn't sing well], in her song 'Time After Time', got it; 'i'm walkin to far ahead....i can't hear what you've said....you say go slowly'

That's one of the many things I love about music. it's interpretive. The lyrics are, anyway. which I pay more attention to.

With an eating disorder, if you don't eat, everything takes so much longer. it's slower. as said, you literally can't think as well.

'you say go slowly' you have to listen to your body. you can't push it.

From the mind of John Lennon.........

he got it, as did Hendrix, Michael Jackson, Simon & Garfunkel......

in his song 'A Working Class Is Something To Be', the lyrics; 'but first you must learn to smile as you kill'. That's how depression is. As written, a voice goes 'you just cut. you're not fine'.

but no one sees that.

and, 'till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all'. just how in the hell can you be numb and yet i.

still feel everything.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'sigh.

so I'm still frustrated. I can't fukin fully relapse. I want to lose weight damnit! And I have.

but I'm not floating like I was Friday. there's......there are, rather. so many food commercials. and at my place the food's easily accessible.

i can't relapse if i keep eating. which means i can't physically recover, from that.

i know it's stupid i know it's ridiclous. i know. just. don't judge me ok? please.

my body needs love it needs food and so do i. it's hungry. but it's not gettin much food.

But food isn't love. I mean. Yeah you can love certain foods. For instance, I love guacomole. and nutella. Just as you can love reading. or music. Or a sibling, family member.

Food doesn't come to you with its big squishy fat bread arms, or smoothie strawberry banana ones, or. whatever kind. and hug you and go 'i love you'.

Used to be, if my mom told me she loved me, that was enough. It's like, I depend on other people to give me permission to eat. But it's a lot harder to do it just yourself.

on the topic of being nice to me.....I go to the movies. I buy books, to read later. Buy smoothies, tea from Starbucks. All nice things right?

I wrote a poem once, entitled 'Confessions Of A Muffin Queen'. because that's who I was. and who wants to hug a muffin? you'll squish it.

yes another one of those long entries. they're rarely short.

My friend Athena once told me something along the lines of 'because I'm afraid you'll break in half', on the subject of hugging me. It surprises people - well. it does Lindsey, anyway - that I give really strong hugs. Precisely for that reason. To prove that I won't break in half.

not physically, anyway. but when someone lays that much love on you then yeah. something in you does break.

what happens if i do? what then?

I talked to one of my favorite trees. I always talk to her. she's beautiful.

That's one of the reasons I take photos. If we don't remember plants in some way, trees......photograph them. then it's like they don't exist. we take them for granted.

some do, anyway. not me.

I pay attention. ever since high school I have.

Also. maybe I can make the er.........wait, sorry.

Maybe I can make the world beautiful through my photos. or cool. interesting. whatever. even if my world isn't.

I wish I was as beautiful as the photos I take. people can tell me that time and time again but. as said. untill I believe it. won't mean a damn thing.

on depression.

there was more to this.....

oh yeah.

*I don't feel good, emotionally, when I eat so I cut, to balance it out. I'm damned either way.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'So, on my way home from the store I passed through one of my favorite places. It's a secret. [actually, now that yall know, it's really not that much of a secret.] which is why I'm being vague.

While I was passing through a woman asked "were you lookin for somethin?", which seemed I was, as she pointed out. I told her no, but thank you. [I don't know why I was thanking her. for being nice, maybe?.].

On the way home, after, it occured to me that yes, I actually was looking for something. a way out. both physically, which i found, and. and emotionally.

Answers, love, support, encouragement, neither of which I'd likely find there.

Love most of all.'

---

'not the cutting. not the dizziness. not the not eating although that's really hard.

yes i've been cutting. i'm not going to not be honest here. would you rather I not say how I really am?

precisely my point.

So I talked to my sister today. Told her about Marmaduke, PrideFest, that I rearranged my room, put up some posters.

She said "well it sounds like you're doing well".

I cut, I don't eat, I sleep a lot more, my depression's worsened......yeah, well for you sweetie. ['well' as in 'good', that 'well'].

But I don't tell her this though. even though she's actually become more patient with me, it's. that she'll tell Mom. not like, out of spite or anything. but because they talk.

Sometimes, not being an open person can actually. make it worse for me. anyone.

I'm so good at being perfect. At clearing the blankets from the living room into my room. having everything in their place, including my hair. I'm the girl who can make magic happen with her lies.

Ok well I mean I don't lie. I just. don't tell her everything. Or anything, really. or anyone.

sometimes, you have to protect the people you love.

The hardest part is knowing how fake I can sound. and no one. has a clue.

either that or they don't see me.

And usually, I'm a genuine person.

it's hard to give myself permission sometimes. to be ok with not telling people everything.'

---

'After the show [oh. yeah. my mom's choir had a show earlier tonight] we stopped in Whole Foods. There's so much food there. It's so tiny and organised and perfect.

We bought 4 boxes of Amy's frozen thai food. Not that I'll eat it. My mom didn't say I had to. I was at the cake case while she got something for herself. It's overwhelming. I asked the guy for recommendations. They didn't have any plain chocolate. I appreciated his honesty. He was tired.

I got cake, with white cream on top.

I don't want to eat; it scares me. I don't need to eat. I can be thin and strong and cut and no one will know.

There's a certain kindof power that comes with not eating. being angry. Janis Joplin had that power that sex. so did Joan Jett.

it's only a matter before the stitch red cuts [as in, the cuts are 'stitches'. perfect and straight and precise] fall out. er. no......split apart.

no I didn't cut that deep. never do.

but some stitches, both metaphorical and physical, are meant to dissolve.

The ones I had after my surgery a few Mays ago, for instance.

my mind doesn't make sense when I'm this tired. overemotional.

I'm leaving this noteless because......I don't really want notes. I'll try to do better with explaining why.'

---

---

'30th

which, I realise, makes it difficult for anyone to help me. As does the fact that some of my entries don't allow for notes.

sure therapy would help, but been down that road. not my thing.

I could make a list of all the things I'm not looking for. It's so much easier to do that.

It's also easier for me to express myself via writing than on the phone. I mean, I phone someone because I want their help and then I don't really detail what's going on. I mean, here I can write about kidney/leg pain/dizziness/eating/not eating......other. But I can't actually verbalise it. So we never have a 'real' conversation. so I never really get help via phone. and then that time's wasted.

I've been like this since high school. I feel weird about it. not weird, um....self conscious. awkward.

I know I bitch I know I complain. I know you're all tired of it. frankly i'd be too.

I mean, sometimes all I'm looking for is physical. the blade the pen. the lack of food. no. I have food. The lack of eating, rather.

I have this assumption that if I write about it, then that'll be it. It [my eating disorder/the cutting/issues w/ people/etc] will go away. Since it's down on paper. er. the screen.

Like after a tv show's over.

but it never does. it creeps back up.

and once again I'm stuck. I never do anything new.

well I mean now that's not entirely true. I have tried new things just. not in terms of my emotions/psychological issues.

As though I only need that one outlet, writing/cutting/other, to make it go away.

I guess. ok. What I'd love to do........tell people to 'fukoff'. [yes, spelled wrong intentionally]. No, really. That's why I take photos of cigerette [sp?] cartons. because it's rebellious. Er. Smoking is, rather. It looks cool, I'll admit. As horribile an image as that is to put out there.

Also. I don't mind the smell of smoke. It reminds me of him. The boyfriend I had when I was 17. He smoked. He smelled like smoke and ........TMI your saliva when you're turned on *TMI End.

Kate used to smoke, as did Michael. Cigerettes, that is.

So it's not so much the smell itself as what it reminds me of.

My point is/was.....?

oh. right. What I want/am looking for:

*to be rebellious. I get tired of being 'the good girl'. Unfortunately a bad reputation can land you in a hell of a lot of trouble. like the song though. by Joan Jett.

*love, support, encouragement.

And I'm looking for this from.......?

not sure yet.'

---

'so I'm frustrated. yeah nothing new there.

So I was talking w/ my friend Susie last night, about my eating disorder/depression/my grandmother.She said it sounds like I want control. well um yeah. She suggested other ways I could have control.

while she's right.....no, ok? just no. It's not just 'I'm hungry' 'ok go eat something'. It's not that simple. Nothing gives you as much control as your eating disorder. yeah I can do other things but it's not that big of an impact. er. It doesn't have that much of an impact. all those things seem so trivial, minimal compared to the disease.

While she doesn't judge me or tell me I'm ridiclous or whatever for having an eating disorder.......she also. doesn't fully understand it. I don't even think Lindsey does.

It's very misunderstood and very hard to explain.

It's a bit like the assault, in a way. The very same person who hurt you can also be the one who loved you.

That's literally the best way I can explain it, actually. Is that you want something that has a much bigger impact than anything else you could do.

From an outsider's point of view, it's 'she has a nice place, doesn't have to do anything......so why does she have an eating disorder?'.

There are so many reasons.

But, I mean. The 2 things mentioned above......what I'm saying, is that money doesn't equal happiness.

And because I live on my own I can relapse. Really, no one notices. And even when I was living with my parents, they didn't say much. well. my dad doesn't say much to begin with. With my mom it was 'ok here's the food, do with it what you will'.

Up untill I was in college, really, no one was like 'you have an eating disorder'. In boarding school they were more hung up on the cutting. Instead of the fact that I ate salads and slept a lot and was always cold. It was cold in Vermont.

But up untill last summer I didn't understand it. It was always, 'food issues' or 'yeah well kindof....'. No. Last summer I realise I have an eating disorder. I have a disease. Something much more serious than just 'food issues'.

I don't go to the doctor. I've only been hospitalised for surgeries. And I think because of those factors, I never saw how serious it really was. Untill, like I said.

When you don't live with people you pretty much. live in isolation. When you don't have friends [by which mean that I get together with often], again.

No one's there to see what you're eating/not eating. sure I go to the store a lot but they don't know what I do with that food.

It started when I was 13. I began to understand it when I was 21.

yeah, so my point here is that. no it's not that simple.'

---

'my grandmother will be nicer

i'll have my stuff back.

I want to lose my emotions. Not like, forever. For now. If I get thin[er] I don't have to think about emotions. just the physical.

i can feed you magic lies like the vitamins i'm supposed to take

i'm one of the few people who really understands this disease. and the deeper i go the more i lose the more i understand.

[because].

losing weight gives you a hell of a lot of insight.

and no this isn't a poem.'

---

'As mentioned. ED TW.

Also, twisted encouragement.

So, as said, I phoned my friend Susie last night. She said I'm one of the strongest people she knows.

well damn right I am. i'm strong enough to not need food. and i mean this emotionally. not physically, obviously. Like I sai, it's twisted encouragement.

for the past few hours it's 'you don't need food you don't need food....'. But I've been drinking. nonalcoholic, I mean. Like tea, lemonade, milk. I stopped drinking soda as I was getting tired of it. I mean, the Simply Lemonade [and for some reason I think the 'shake well' label is part of the brand name itself, even though it's not. lol] lemonade [ha, redundant] has sugar in it, to keep my blood sugar not as low. And it keeps me hydrated.

I know it's not enough. obviously. no one needs to tell me this.

Ok, Susie's gorgeous.....but she could stand to lose about 5 lbs. And in a world where losing weight is good.....yeah.

it's twisted. it's encouragement. could go either way.

About the not allowing notes on this one: I simply don't want notes about this entry.'

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'If anyone doesn't know, Kate's my sister.

Well. She wants to get a Basset. hound. aka a 'Martha dog', so referred to because when we were little a neighbor of ours had a Basset named Martha. I emailed her, suggesting she name it Moon. or Polka Dot. or, hm.....Nutella! you know. cause their chocolate spots look like nutella. I love nutella and most people love dogs, so.

yes we don't have 'normal' names for our pets. When we were little, there was Monko the dog, Betty and Johnny the cats....then Smoochie the hamster, Gloopy the fish - as he was - and now Stevie the dog. Betty was a black cat, named after Bette Midler whom my mom likes. as do I. and there's some French phrase with the word black in it I.....think. And Bette Midler was named after Bette Davis. My dad named Johnny, after some guy in the Civil War. soldier*.

Kate and a friend of hers, Leah, named Stevie.

If I had a golden retriever I'd name it Sunflower. because no one else does. and they kindof look like them. IfI had cats I'd name them Bella and Pablo, after the poet and the artist. I've a book of Pablo Nurada love poems, translated from Spanish, which I really like.

I want a gray short haired female cat I'd name Ruby, after the one in Girl, Interrupted.

A name's forever, ya know? I mean, I can't imagine some 80 year old woman named Ashley, for instance. However, I can't imagine a 13 year old named Barbara. That's not a name I associate with that age. That's just too modern. 'Kate' is a name that goes with all hair colors.

And names go in and out of style. My grandmothers are named Carol and Bonnie. One of my aunts, Joan. You don't hear those names often.

So you have to choose a name that goes with any and all ages.

I like Bassets. they're slow awww. Her apartment *people will let her have one. she's been talking to the people at the rescue....facility. I really hope she gets one. Send good thoughts please!!

and thank you.

I also like golden retrievers, St. Bernards - they just look so lovable! - and huskies. they're beautiful in an ethereal way. Scotties are silly when they walk.

They've been having weird weather up in the city, not really sure what that means,exactly. Kate's never spent the summer there. It's new and different and she's not sure what to do/how to feel.

On the subject of feelings....she's in therapy, both group and individual. Which isn't new, I've just not mentioned it. Which I don't like [as I'm frankly a bit narcissisitic - sp?] but I'm trying to be supportive, asking her how it's going.

Evan [her ex. they've been friends since middle school] is staying in the city for the summer. which is going ok.

Apparently, according to Mom, Kate wants to take a cooking class focused on cooking meat, as she's not a vegetarian anymore. [fairly new. this happened when I was visiting her. Kate's reason being "because bacon is delicious"].

*Oh, she saw Toy Story 3, which she found 'adorable'. It's surprising she saw it as she doesn't like movies. or reading, actually.

I don't cook. I mean, I can. pasta, anyway. and I'm sure I could figure out how to.....cook stir fry and whatnot. I know how to follow a recipe. It makes me anxious, so. why I don't.

I don't eat either, as it were. not as of late. [gone over this in prior entries].

On the subject of being a vegetarian. well, I'm still one. Meat is gross, to me. It just looks gross. If I weren't I'd eat shrimp, because it's pretty.

Oh, 'the city' being New York. that's the city I'm referring to when I say 'the city']. '

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'Again. ED/SA TW.

[oh the more stars I put for the TW the more triggering the content is].

wow. i get it.

i want to be light enough to walk on snow

[I realise it's almost July].

I've discovered this realisation from a Manic Street Preachers song. they're this English band..........kindof dark, twisted Emilie Autumn type.

[Sidenote; y'know. i love Emilie Autumn [god she's hot. she looks damn good for 30. damn good] and yet I don't have any of her music. I don't have Joan Jett either. like Janis, Dylan, i can't listen to her for too long].

so..........light enough to walk on snow.

I was snow. 'pure as the driven snow' as the saying goes. "you mean the snow that you hate?" jacob once IMed me.

yeah was. perfect white porcelain snow.y. white skin.

up untill the assault. The assault is his "walking"........you know. the fingers that go. er. yeah. I'm sure I don't need to detail the assault. and. I won't.

uh..........there was some connection between the song and the assault/the "snow"......... '

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'yes another entry from me. probably also long, as they are.

been doin that a lot these days. It's like this sudden 'purge' of information. [ew purge i could never do that].

but, as said. It's a lot easier for me to type than to actually hand write, less time consuming.

Please keep your notes coming. I like reading them. :)

Some of this is repetitive. It contains a little more of my past. The part I rarely talk about.

On the subject of purging. It's gross. I've tried it, when I was 17. When I had a list of 'safe foods', foods I was allowed to eat. When the only thing that killed the pain was eating.

I'd eat at night. Have that milkshake summer.....eat carrots w/ ranch while watching primetime tv. I ate leftover pasta. refried beans. NutriGrains bars at lunch. ew. NutriGrain bars.

There's something very dignified about anorexia. thin and graceful and bone.s. elegant and giant spiderleg eyelashes. today, anyway.

I rarely wear makeup. Unless something's wrong and then I'll pile on the mascara. my eyes are fukin beautiful. my pupils. are huge. edie sedgwick teacup. she died of a drug overdose. the 'it' girl of the '60's......it.....'it'! it. the assault.

teacup alice in wonderland. i just love that phrase the story saying it. it's so pretty; alice in wonderland.

Anorexia's a lot quieter than bullimia. Where it came from, in my life, I don't know. my parents have never told me I need to lose weight and neither have my dance teachers. The media, maybe. but that seems so vague and. i don't know, trivial. and small, because trivial goes with small. not specific to me as an individual.

As said.

In middle school, I'd eat in what became my room during those years. It used to be the guest room before I was 12. I'd eat those mini muffins and put the white plastic packets behind the brown couch. why, I don't know. Maybe, simply put, it's because I wasn't very responsibile.

It was Ginger who first figured it out, while we were in Utah during a white water rafting trip. While

I was still trying to figure me out. I was friends with Ginger. and Susie [still am, actually]. Tara. Emily. Ginger was the creative one, Susie, the outcast. Tara, the quiet, sweet one and Emily, the....conceited, one. At the time I didn't know she was conceited.

Jessi joined us. Apparently, according to my mother, she had anorexia. She was beautiful popular mean. Lived in a big house, or so it seemed. Told interesting stories. I was jealous of her. The girl all the others want to be like and all the guys want to date. You know the type.

She kindof overshadowed me, everyone, in a way. She was one of thosethin girls with the big boobs.

Like I was saying, Ginger was right. that I had eating issues because I wanted control. 13's a hard age for a girl......what with getting your period and figuring out your body and all. No one in my advisory group even knew that much about PMS. a lot of help they were.

I remember, in boarding school/high school when I'd lie face down on one of my dressers in my room I could feel my hip bones. I didn't think much of it. Just as I didn't think much of Jessi being anorexic. It's sad to think of her being alone in that big house, with her disease.

But really. how much are you really aware of at that age? There's so much going on.....puberty/guys being immature/crushes/gossip.

In middle school, we learned about eating disorders. barbie. pam anderson. twiggy. the word 'tubular'. So we knew what it was but I don't think we had the mental capacity to really fully comprehend it.

So, no one really said anything about it. To me........just as they didn't in boarding school. high school.

I recall, suddenly. Sarita, a girl in my other advisory group [since we apparently switched] told me she was jealous of me. my size. And she was tiny. By which I mean she weighed less and was shorter than me. I? she was beautiful and not just because she was thin. and she was reallly nice too. as was her mom.

That was the first time anyone ever told me that, though I suspected in elementary school they all were.

Um.

In boarding school [where I was ages 15, 16] as said. I didn't eat much. I slept a lot. I was cold. The only person who said anything remotely close was Zack, who I thought to be my best friend at the time. He told me the usual, that I didn't need to lose weight. I had a boyfriend, for the first time. He kept getting his hand caught in my waist legnth hair. Everyone loved my hair. Zack wasn't my boyfriend, btw.

My boyfriend and I broke up after 3 days. yeah I know. apparently my reason being he was moving too fast.

I was sent home, on the basis of cutting. they couldn't handle me. well then they shouldn't've let me in in the first place.

That's something I haven't detailed. I remember, near the end of my sophomore year, when I went home....that was the first time I realised women aren't objects. As I was being passed around from person to person.

So then comes the summer detailed at the beginning of this entry.

he loved that, the guy i was with when i was 17. i was so small. his friends, loved it. he made me feel beautiful and wanted.

Everyone was so worried about my dad that year. And I was the one falling. I didn't eat much. I don't remember if I relapsed. then again....i didn't even know what a relapse was. but it would've been the perfect setup. the perfect. reason. to relapse.

Eventually. I stopped telling people about my dad. eventually. my ex and i drifted apart. My dad'd had 2 accidents that year within 2 months of each other.

oh. i was assaulted.

Then I turned 18. got caught shoplifting the summer i turned 19......

when i was 18 I went to public high school. had great friends. still didn't eat much. no one, again. said much about it. In the space between 17 and 18 I met with some people. I'd rather keep that vague as possible. I told them I'd eat at home and told my parents I'd ate there. and no one caught on, amazingly enough.

so then, at age 19 went down to college in south Florida. That was when people finally started noticing. that 'she doesn't eat around us' or 'she doesn't eat enough'. thank you. captain obvious.

It was weird they said something, after all these years of everyone not.

It took them that long?

if i didn't know any better......i'd think i'm almost karen carpenter-like. because it took them that long.

I moved back here [Colorado] when I was what, 20? yeah I think so. [I'm 22 now, almost 23]. A guy at my volutneer job last winter - 2009 - said something about my eating disorer. He was a senior citizen so I couldn't exactly tell him 'hey man, not cool. no. you do not. get to do that'.

so I quit. I know, I have terrible terrible job etiquette. just one more thing that needs work.

This literally just occured to me. At my job, everyone noticed my figure. 'do you watch your figure?' they'd ask. yes yes i do actually. I have more control, more fukin willpower than they do.

I'm sorry, that wasn't nice. I really don't mind senior citizens. As I get on well with them. them and children. they're the only groups of people I like, along with my friends.

Sorry for the legnth.

Feel free to comment, leave your insights, thoughts, etc......whatever.

thanks for readin this far

And last summer was when I realised that I actually. as said. had an eating disorder.

and you all know the rest.'