July: recovery. depression. family. dating. in The Wonderland Years: 2010: transferred over from FOD. entries. Done.
- Feb. 2, 2014, 5:18 a.m.
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- Public
'1st
Well obviously, or else I wouldn't have an eating disorder.
What's interesting is that even though there are things I want to do [see movies, read books, travel] it's not an incentive for me to start eating again.
It's not incentive enough for me to pop Advil every now and then, as a way out.
Eventually, I'll get to the point where, I won't have a choice. I mean, I physically won't have a choice. Hell I'm headed that way now.
Growing old [in answer to that question] scares me. I'm afraid of losing my ability to do things [of course, again. I'm headed that way now] and my apparently 'great' memory.
yeah sure, I could die from this. I haven't. so let's not worry about the future.
or maybe i'm in denial.
Growing old would bring me wisdom but it also would suck.
it's like when people react after a suicide attempt. That's why it's called an attempt. because the person didn't kill themselves. [yes I realise what I'm doing is a slow form of suicide].
I don't have a support system. and other than a mentor I had in college I never really have. much less a great one. for this, anyway.
I don't have a friend physically close by emailing me and asking 'hey did you have breakfast? why/why not?' or 'hey so do you want to get a late lunch?' and then when we're at the place and eating's scary, going 'I know it is. but I'm here and you're comfortable with me'.
But that's a lot of pressure to put on your friends.
Sure yes therapy would help. been there done that not my thing. I've gone over why.
I think it's pretty damn obvious I don't want to change right now. You can't make me. You can hope I do but you sure as hell can't make me.
yeah maybe, eventually, in a few weeks I will. when something really big but isolated happens.
'maybe' brings hope but it's also. not a definite 'yes'.
It's like 'oh maybe I'll go to the store today'.
I don't have a support system becuase, frankly. I don't let people in. I won't. I'm a private, not very open, person. yeah as I'm realising, that's not as great as you might think.
I don't talk about it with my mom. She asked me if I wanted to go to lunch I said no. and she left it at that.
I keep thinking, ridiclous as this is, that maybe if I continue this way, something will click with my dad. He won't be. well. different.
I think he wants to try. but I won't let him.
It seems like such a stupid thing. Like, 'oh because you have PTSD you can't be around him'. like the assault doesn't even matter.
It does matter! It matters a fukin lot!
maybe it's not about food. well obviously it's not about the food. As said, 'I don't need food'. we all know how ridiclous that is. Of course I need food everyone needs food! Anyone in their bloody right mind who reads this can see that! even if I won't admit to it.
I don't mean physical food. Maybe when I think 'I don't need food', the "food" part is a metaphor.
because I'm so much stronger than them.
[Again, ridiclous. again, I don't mean physically].
you wanna see willpower? talk to someone with a fukin eating disorder. That's willpower.
Enviable, confidence-building willpower. the kind some people wish they had.
damn straight i'm strong. strong enough to have the kindof willpower some don't.
But would you rather I not write? Because, you know. I could. I could stop writing here. and then where would you be?
no, really.
so to answer the question no, it doesn't worry me. because I haven't seriously thought about it.
having this much willpower makes you different. and i notice people who are different.
or maybe being ordinary just isn't enough for me.
I'm not allowing for notes becuase........I simply don't want notes.'
'ok enough of my ED drama. time for something else.
I mentioned Ann Claire in previous entries. She's a friend of my grandmother's. [Dad's mom]. They've been friends for years.
She's originally from someplace in Europe but moved to Texas and then to here [Colorado], where she married John, who was a friend of my dad's when he was little. John's dad David has been a friend of my grandmother's also, for years.
I think they became friends when David's daughter was a student in my grandmother's ballet class.
Ann Claire's as warm and spiritual as I am, that southern hospitality. She has this long white hair. She and John have 2 sons a few years older than I, one of whom's married to an Asian woman. They have a daughter. I've always thought of their sons as more like our "cousins" than friends. They're all really nice people.
John's a photographer but I'm not sure what Ann Claire does. I know she paints.'
'so, good entry [you'll be glad to know].
I had a park day. Which basically consists of buying tea at Starbucks and then going to the park and reading.
Starbucks didn't have a line. The woman had an accent. Her name, Yasmin. She asked me how I was, twice.
Tea, the Tazo kind, passion. Sweetened, shaken. It was good.
I was so charming as I walked out the grocery store doors, sexy on the way there. That confidende that comes.
I sat on a hot metal bench, drinking the tea and reading Nineteen Minutes. Behind me somewhere a guy was playing familiar guitar. I finished the tea, was drawn under the shade. Stood up, went and sat there.
There's something about live music. It's like tea, in that it makes you sit down and go 'what's really important?'. I thought about recovery, deciding I'm torn.
I sang a bit, because of the guitarist. We shared our gifts. parts of 'Stairway To Heaven' and 'Hallelujah'.
Listened to my voicemail. My friend Eileen had called, apologising for offending me by her fear of spiders via her Facebook status updates. And that Ari [this guy I'd had a crush on - and still do - in college] had said hi and asked about me. I was flattered, of course.
I called Kate. She told me her plans for the 4th. She and Evan are going to Cape Cod. She was confused, thinking we'd visited an aquarium in Boston. I told her it was in D.C., gave her my dog name recommendations. If she names the dog Nutella she'd just be hungry. it's funny.
We shared memories, about my 22nd.
On the way back I saw 2 yellow butterflies playing with each other. As said. I love butterflies. and yellow. it makes me feel safe.
stopped by my favorite tree.
came back, called Eileen. She's really sweet. She explained bipolar to me, which she has. She was the one doing all the talking. Apparently the last roommate I had was a bitch. We discussed our common spirituality.
I'm in the process of making pink lemonade. it's so pretty. in a weird way it's protected in its giant sun tea container, decorated with pained sunflowers.
pained? painted.
my dad's mom used to make sun tea
and that was my park day'
'The other day I was thinking 'oh I meant to make some tea'.
So often we think we need to do things right now, such as make tea, go to the store and such. And we don't take the time to remind ourselves that those things don't have deadlines, we can do them later. It's not a priority right now.'
'2nd
We're all easily manipulated, even if the other person isn't what you'd describe as 'manipulative'.
Persuaded? maybe that's a better word.
I bring this up because...the other day I was at Subway, ordering. I ordered pepper jack cheese. The lady said something to the effect of "really? you want that? it's spicy".
so i changed my order.
But little things like that can manipulate/persuade us to make a different choice.'
'This is probably. my favorite phrase, next to 'Alice In Wonderland'.
Oh, when I note you and put 'I get that', it doesn't mean I don't care. I do care. a lot.
It just means I want you to feel empowered. I'm not a fan of sympathy. I mean, I don't not. like it. it's not my favorite.
And when I encounter sympathy online I don't like it.
I like for people to remember they're independent, self sufficient beings. Empowered.
I actually got this phrase from Michael....as I got 'something to the effect of....' from Lindsey.
Sympathy borders on pity and I absolutely hate pity. It makes me feel incompetent.
And the whole 'I'm sorry' thing. yeah sure it's nice but it doesn't do, anything. Don't be sorry be effective damnit!
It's also vague.
People are just afraid to say when they don't know something, how to help. I have absolutely no problem stating that.
however, sometimes I actually want sympathy.'
'So, yesterday was Thursday. Which meant I visited the grandparents with Mom.
Her mom [Bonnie] 's still the same. My grandfather talked on for about 5 minutes to Mom about a financial question he had. He does talk. A lot.
We told Bonnie that she's a 'good lady', in the words of my grandfather. She doesn't complain, feel sorry for herself, isn't rude. She really doesn't ask for a lot.
My mom read the rest of the book. 'The book' being the one on pioneer women.
We went to Carol's [Dad's mom]. The elevator on the way up was crowded. The caretakers at senior citizens' residence are touchy-feely. I couldn't stand that. Which. is exactly why I'm not that age yet and won't be for awhile. I don't like being touched. Unless I know you well enough'
'9th
so, I'm back. no I haven't died or fallen off the earth......[though, you wouldn't have any way of knowing either except. i wouldn't write for like. a year]. My internet hasn't been working for a few days.
Hm.......oh I went to the Cherry Creek Arts Fest, celebrated my grandmother's 90th Sunday........that went well.
There were a lot of dogs at the arts fest. Huskies, golden retrievers. And cool art. I danced [of course]. And nearly fell over in the process. never happens. I was doing something similar to the Charleston and there wasn't a lot of space, so. I was quite embarassed when a guy helped me. I mean.......that's a weird reason to be embarassed, right?
Again, I wonder about my quirks and wonder 'am I the only one?'. Not in a, 'oh I'm lonely because I feel like the only one who....'. It's a musing. They had a Dr. Phil show on this recently.
I was dancing near the jazz stage [they had 4 stages throughout the festival] when the almost falling happened.
I'm not someone who falls, ever. I've only fallen like, 3 times in the past year or so. I can usually catch myself before the fall.
I danced a little to 'Hallelujah'. the same guy was there who played it last year. He's a guitarist. On that same stage was another guitarist Jack Hadley. He's cool. He gets it, in the same way Hendrix and Lennon do.
I watched kids create, talked to a lady who was drawing a giant pink frog about why she likes frogs. Actually she was telling this guy she liked frogs and I interjected. I'm not the type to say 'hi' first. While I was on St. Paul [where all the food is], sitting down at another stage, this guy Mike and his daughter Kathleen, who was about 9 sat down. He made small talk with me, but he was talking more to Kathleen.
I got 2 posters, The Runaways [Joan Jett was wicked. that's how cool she was in the '80's] and Alice. Learned Zumba, that was a lot of fun. Watched 2 girls get henna done. Got a free cherry smoothie from Panera. Had some garlic naan bread, crepes on the 4th [because my sister and I had them last year on the 4th]. It was my first time taking myself out to a meal. They were good, nutella. A lot, so I didn't finish. I tipped the waitress. I know tipping is 20% but how much is that in dollar terms?
I got a little sunburnt, my hands and feet. they had sunscreen stations all over. On the last day I went and asked the festival volunteers about their sunscreen paper, advertising the sunscreen. which they didn't know a lot about. They then informed me they didn't have any sunscreen left. No, really? given I didn't see the giant container of sunscreen on their table....so I gathered.
My grandmother's 90th went well. She told us the 4th was a disappointing birthday to her because she never felt like it was her day. My mom and I took home cupcakes.
I went to my mom's show with the Gay Men's Chorus, don't know if I mentioned that. That was before the arts fest weekend. My mom's choir sang a few African songs. The GMC sang 'Don't Stop Believin', 'Moon River' [love this] and 2 others.
more news comin up! '
'from?
So, anyway. Kate got fired. again. I say 'again' because she got fired this time last year.This recent firing happened about a week ago.
She had an internship. 2, actually, so I'm not sure which she got fired from.
Anyway, here's what happened. She emailed her boss on Monday, I think, asking what she should do the next day since she didn't have much to do. Well he apparently was in Paris at the time. I'm unclear to 1; whether or not he responded and 2; what happened between her emailing her and her being fired.
I see it as, she got fired for being responsible. And, I'm sorry for being sexist [yes, again] but......men think they can do whatever the hell they want just because they're men.
But she was responsible! She emailed him which, frankly, is more than I would've done. I have really bad job etiquette.
It's just ridiclous that she got fired for being responsible.
When she phoned me I asked her if she wanted to work. She doesn't. But she knows that in order to graduate she has to work. So she's kindof stuck. And she's fully aware of that so I didn't say anything, as that wouldn't've helped.
Mom did though. Apparently her money's going towards Kate's schooling, and so Kate feels like a failure. [again, not sure of the connection].
Dad phoned Kate before she phoned me, saying she should talk to her boss. Well if you're upset you won't exactly be able to think clearly and problem-solve.
Dad hasn't, as we all know, been emotionally availble to us for the last, 3, 4, 5, etc years and now he suddenly decides to. And no it's not even because he wanted to. it was because. Mom made him.
wow our parents suck. Dad's not there and Mom never tells you what you're doing right. I mean, I love them but wow.
So I have to. which I shouldn't I shouldn't have to fill in the missing spaces. But I do, without a second thought. [or maybe I should?].
I feel like I'm the only one who will sit there and listen and ask questions to figure out why you did/didn't do something.
And, I left a message on Kate's phone stating the good things she'd done, i.e., she was responsible when she emaled her boss.
......when the world leaves you feeling sucky. I probably won't.
I told her I didn't have any advice for her, and she said she didn't need any. well that works out since........as said.
And so it continues.
Thursday, Mom and I were talking about this and she said Kate's made some 'unfortunate choices' and that she 'learns by doing' and 'should apologise to her boss'. omygod. She didn't do anything wrong! she was responsible!
When it comes down to Kate or our mom........you don't hurt my sister. no. ever. i don't care who you are.'
'10th
so here's something interesting. 2 things, actually somewhat irrelevant to each other.
It seems, talking would come naturally to me. Since, according to my sister, I never shut up.
And, it does. It's articulation that doesn't. I'm wonderfully articulate via writing. But when it comes to verbalising my thoughts.......
I don't think in words, not really. I was explaining this to my mom and grandfather yesterday [Thursday] morning. I picture whatever I'm talking about, i.e. a trash can, and then I'll describe it. I think in shapes and colors. A trash can would be tall and dark green.
Unless I already see the word it takes my brain longer to process.
I'm a visual person. I talk with my hands, and make the shape of whatever it is I'm talking about so I can see what I mean. I'm not sure this does much for the person I'm talking to though.
I also use the wrong words. As in, 'it's weird I'm dating again'. well, no. The word I mean is 'surprising'. but that doesn't come to me right away. [I'm not dating, btw]. I'm aware of when people do this. 'I get angry when you say one thing and mean another'. What the person really means is 'misleading'.
I don't know if it's because I write or what..... but I pay attention to words and how they're used.
I hate being touched but I'm very tactile and love hugs.'
'11th
I've been up since 10;30something yesterday morning. It's now 10 to 5 a.m. yes.
Don't have to read if you don't want to.
As said.
This is what happens when I'm knackered......I start making all these connections.
So, on Wiki, I was looking up Lennon, Hendrix and the guy who killed Lennon. I read on him and came to 'sociopath'... which led me to APD. Antisocial Personality Disorder, which I have.
It said that one of the er, symptoms, is persistant.......taking....stuff. [I'm really not comfortable putting the other word].
Ok so wow. It's not just emotional. I didn't take stuff from Macy's just because of the assault.
no, apparently I was "diagnosed" when I was little.......I. think. vaguely recall.
No. it's organic, as my friend Eileen pointed out, and emotional.
wow.
I mean. I took a pencil from my best friend when I was in elemenarty school.
And then. there was the middle school incident. i'm leaving it there.
So, when I was in college, my roommate took quite a bit of money from me. and. hadn't paid me back.
'course, it was my fault for telling her about the money in the first place.
maybe I still do. you know. or, rather. want to. do the aforementioned because of this. she never paid me back.
Ya know, 50 or so years ago people with APD were sometimes known as um. sociopaths. But, like. are those 2 seperate things, or...? as in. can someone who doesn't have APD be a sociopath?
It's really hard for me to wrap my head around the concept of sociopaths. I mean yes ok I get they don't care. or can't? Correct me if I'm wrong here. Please. or something.
But like. why?
No, I really want to know. What is it in their brain that works differently?
It's like someone with Asperger's. When I'm so far on the other end, I'm such a deep person and have always been highly sensitive, always will be. And I'm wicked perceptive too.
It's like.......how the fuk could you not care?
[And, again. maybe it's not so much that they can't.......]
It comes so naturally to me to care.
sorry. .for........?
I'm leaving this noteless because..... '
'About a week or so ago I was watching this show on PBS about guys and how they relate to each other and the world. It was interesting. I don't remember the name of it.
So it got me thinking. as does everything. Maybe my mom, sister and I have too much power. that my dad er,. can't. I don't mean that in a bad way. but.um.......the best way I can explain it is that, .......you have a friend who talks. a lot. and, you're really quiet. But maybe if they didn't talk as much you wouldn't be as quiet.
um. hm......oh! I know! We overshadow my dad.
So hear me out here. [or I guess read me, as it were]. Eating disorders have an eastern philosophy*. is what I actually meant.
We're taught, from birth, that if we're hungry we need to eat within the next 20 minutes. Or if we're itchy that needs to be taken care of.
And, at least according to Eat Pray Love, an eastern philosophy is that you don't automatically........take action, I guess it would be.
I'm not explaining this well i'm sorry.'
'It's partially because I'm not as clear as I want to be sometimes. As said, I'll use the 'wrong' word.
For instance. when I say 'why' in a sentence they'll often assume I'm asking a question. And I'm not. If I were, I'd phrase it as such. Sometimes it's a musing and sometimes it's out of frustration, when I don't really want an actual answer.
Another example is they don't understand that I don't do anything. I don't tell people that as I don't want them asking questions, judging me, envying me, etc. And by 'do anything' I mean go to school/work.
Or when I say [or type] Hendrix got it. It's not something that can be explained. It has to be felt in order to be better understood.
And lastly, my sense of humour [sp?]. It's sarcastic, cynical sometimes, a little offbeat and. erm. normal? I. guess. When I'm upset I'll sometimes be sarcastic in order to........um. not really sure. Again, when I say something I don't always want an explanaiton.
A friend and I were talking about my dad. I said 'he knows to tell me to be careful when standing on a chair to change a lightbulb and yet when it comes to dating' to which she said 'well maybe he didn't know....'. um. no. Not looking for an explanation. I was being cynical, making a joke. Or maybe the word's 'sarcastic'? Um.
I'm leaving this noteless because....... '
'yes this again.
The other thing about lack of apostrophes is.....it makes it hard to read. It's like walking behind someone who's walking slowly. It takes me longer to get to my destination.'
'I've mixed feelings on dogs. I mean, they're not my favorite. It's cool they help people but they're also a bit much for me. According to Kate maybe I should get one, as I'm really shy. There's that joke about a guy getting a dog to meet girls. [It's also pretty damn hard to meet people when you don't do much.not that i'm complaining. jus sayin]. Although. I don't like people, so.
I love wolves however. Maybe it's because they're wild. And I'm not.
Maybe some of the things we like and the reasons we like them are the parts of ourselves we can't be.
I like red hair. And facial hair on a guy. I think maybe in my subconscious somewhere it's 'oh red = passion', which I just recently read/learned. And maybe the facial hair indicates the guy's wild, sexually. not that I'd know.
Or could be that red hair's actually a genetic mutation, and I like unusual things.
Or both.
Although I don't have red hair and I'm pretty damn passionate.
I also find tall bald guys attractive, depending on their age. Taye Diggs, for instance. I've yet to figure out why.'
'[Monroe].
Or maybe along with? Hm.
I've started recognizing these 2 parts of me. Along with Audrey Hepburn I also like Grace Kelly. She was beautiful talented funny sexy. In 'High Society', anyway the only movie of hers I've seen. Stylish.
Whereas Marilyn was glamorous. More that than beautiful. And it seemed she never felt loved. She was a sex symbol. I think a lot of people only saw the outward part of her, the top layer. Oh she's a sex symbol. not a lot of people admire her for having a hard life.
I do though. Hendrix, along with being evidently funny, and a great guitarist, damn good-looking [his gaze is magnetic] was also deep, it seems. He had a hard life.
Frida, same thing. god she was stunning. Out there different. Incredible painter.
Although I can't listen to Janis [Joplin] for too long there's something very sexy about a woman who has that much power. Her hair makes her wild. She's like the Joan Jett of the '60's.
It makes people interesting, I think. And I relate to them. No one wants to feel lonely.
So, I'm a little like Grace Kelly, in that we both have some of the same characteristics. But also Marilyn, because I'm sexy.
But that doesn't mean I have to have sex. It's not like, because I'm sexy this automatically means my 'job', as it were, is to have sex. if it were I'd be livin in Paris.
I was thinking about this very recently. We're all authentically ourselves but we're also not. I have my mom's sense of humour [sp?], like my dad I take off my glasses to examine things....my grandmother and I both like Sinatra......Kate and I both love water....I got the line 'something to the effect of...' from Lindsey, 'I get that' from Michael, and so forth. We're all pieces of each other, in a way. It's only when we're born that we're really authentically us.
I could have the same favorite flower as my neighbor or the clerk at Safeway, for instance, and never even know it. Or someone could be watching the exact tv show I'm watching at the same time. Reading the same book. And so forth. It's a little weird to think about.
It's the little things that connect us.
We all think oh we're all so different. But really, we're not. We still listen to music read books. Sure it might be different music or different books but....you know.'
'12th
So, this has to do with my last entry, a little.
I love animals. Except for goats, monkeys and iguanas. I mean, I don't hate them. Monkeys are just weird looking. And iguanas terrify me. They're the only animal that does.
And, up untill just now, I thought the only reason I didn't have any was because I don't want to be there when they die. Not like, I want to die when they do. I'd just. rather not have it happen.
Just like I'd rather not have my grandparents die.
But maybe there's more to this than just death.
It could be the responsibility factor. As mentioned, I'm not that responsible. I still haven't taken out my trash. The last time my dad was here he asked if he could. Um no I'll do it myself. So the more often he says something the more I won't, some.how......there's some connection there.......what, I'm not sure.
So I don't know how well I'd do with a pet. I mean, I don't have the blinds open when I've had plants. So.
Or. could be that;
1; pets make you happy and maybe, subconsciously, I'm sabatoging [sp?] myself by not getting one
and/or
B; as gone over in a previous entry, I don't want to be noticed by my dad. I don't know why. If I get a pet I'll be noticed.
as usual.........I'm not allowing for notes because..... '
'I'm the kindof person who doesn't let go. of things that have happened in the past. Even if it's been 4, 5 years since the incident.
I mean, I could. potentially. I just don't. Just like I can cook but i. again, don't.
I think, that again, I'm quite possibly sabotaging myself. If I let go I'd be happier.
And it's not that I don't want to be happier [although, I've never seriously thought about it] it's that I don't know what that would feel like. Like I literally actually don't know. It's this big empty space. I don't like that space. It scares me.
So I fill it with something, that same something. The not letting go.
It's like not wearing a coat in winter. People wonder why you're not. It's neccessary for survival, the coat.
I don't think my depression's neccessary for my survival. I just feel like depression and myself go together.
And, unlike my eating disorder, they're not 2 seperate entities.
Oh, so the link here being that because I don't let go this actually makes me unhappy[er] and therefore, [more] depressed.
What am I without depression? I've had it since I was 13 though I was diagnosed at 15. There was a time before but I only vaguely remember that.
Is this how other people with depression feel?
My depression, frankly, is what fuels my writing. my poetry. without it I wouldn't be such a good writer. I flatout refuse to believe otherwise.
or maybe, again, being ordinary just isn't enough for me. I don't want to be normal. And yes there are normal people. You can read this and say there aren't but I won't believe you.
Happy loud people. People like Reese Witherspoon. People who have those trivial, minimalistic problems.
I actually like Reese Witherspoon.
As said, I don't notice those people. Those people don't have eating disorders or cut or do drugs or. whatever.
You can tell me everyone has problems. Well not the big deep ones I just mentioned.
And yes I do have this presumption I've everyone figured out. [wow that's kindof arrogant of me i'm sorry].
Maybe I really am afraid of being boring. You can tell me time and again I'm not but that won't help.
See that's why I don't like advice. It's like saying 'oh, well I don't actually care enough about you to shut up and listen. No instead I'm just going to give you advice and be on my way'. wow well. aren't you nice.
However, some advice is helpful.
[yes i realise i'm hard to read].
Is this how most people feel at one point or another?
Oh, ok so the second reason I don't let go. Because it would bring me closer to people. My parents, for instance.
I remember an incident in which we [Kate, the parents and I] were in the car and Pink Floyd came on the radio. Now Kate doesn't like Pink Floyd [conclusively due to doing drugs. or, you either like it or you don't. or both] and this made her upset.
Which made me upset.
And, as you can see er read, I haven't let go of that.
but could be.....the whole fear-of-being-boring. thing.
On that note, I happen to really like Pink Floyd. Although I don't listen to the band often. it reminds me of Michael, so.
I mean.......it's such a cliche to let go. It's like oh everyone does it.
And I don't want to be in that group. idinno.......like, i don't want to be part of something that annoys me [cliches].
I'm not sure why they annoy me, other than, no one's original anymore.'
'It's that I don't like people. And I associate this with light. I noticed this while on the plane during the New York trip.
if I leave my blinds open, [which never happens] then people can see in. Even if there aren't any people out, they could come walking by at any minute.
At my place I don't dress as consertively as I do when I'm out. And if you're not wearing much [if all you're wearing is a robe, for instance] um.
Er. I mean........it's not ok to leave your blinds open if you're not wearing much. Just because you're comfortable with it doesn't mean others are/will be. 'It' being the not wearing much.
Again, with the whole not-wearing-a-bra thing. Just because I'm ok with it doesn't mean that's how others feel.
Also, I don't want my chest to be the focal point. I think that's one of the reasons I cut my hair. It was the focal point for everyone. Like......that's not all I am.
[On that note. if you're lookin to meet me just to have sex with me, that won't happen. Sure yeah I'm sexy, but I want to get to know someone before we decide to be intimate. More on this in an upcoming entry].
Whereas if I'm 1,00 or whatever feet in the air, that doesn't bother me. I'll open the shade thingy on the um. window. Window covering*.
On the window of the plane.'
'...but it would mean nothin, without a woman or a girl' - James Brown.
I was thinking about this recently, due to an occurance that happened last night.
This guy messages me, flattering me. I'm taken aback but behind the flattery something feels off. He asks if I have a Facebook. I tell him I do but I'm not comfortable giving it out. [hey ya gotta give me points for honesty]. I ask him one of my usual getting-to-know people questions. He doesn't answer, instead asks in which city I live. I tell him I'm going to bed, cutting things off completely.
I didn't want to continue things at that point.
Now I would never ask someone that. I mean, it's weird, straightaway, to ask that. Also, given I don't drive it'd be pretty damn hard for me to locate someone. And I wouldn't want to. I want to get to know someone before I decided to get together.
Looking back, I feel bad. But why should I? It's ridiclous. It's like, oh so now he might think I'm a bitch because I didn't tell him where I live.
Look I'm a really nice person. But I'm also, as said, wicked perceptive. And if I'm talking to someone and then something feels off, that's it.
I didn't explain this to said guy. I'm not comfortable being that forward.
Some guys don't understand that a woman needs to protect herself. No I'm not going to be your '50's housewife. I'm not going to cook for you [which I don't do to begin with] I'm sure as hell not going to wait on you.
Times have changed.
And if a guy wants to meet up with me just to have sex right away, no. If he wants a prostitute, well, he can go to Colfax. Or Paris.
sure yeah eventually I want intimacy.
Really, what's wrong with a woman saying 'no' to a guy, therefore protecting herself. That at the very least should be respected. 'She took ownership of her body by saying no which means she doesn't want someone taking advantage of her. that's cool'. I mean I'd respect someone who said that.
I realise, he doesn't know my dyanimcs. my history. which makes it confusing. But, as said. not comfortable.
This happened just the other week, actually. A similar incident. I was sitting waiting for the bus, and a guy came and sat down next to me. Right away I knew something was off about him. I got up, told him 'I have to go' went into the mall where I walked around for awhile.
I didn't owe him any more explanation than that.
It's like, we think guys want us to feel bad. Like, 'well she's obviously not that nice of a person if she said no to me'.
So because they're guys - again, some. guys - they think it's ok for them to hit on us. You're about 90% more likely to get a response from me if you're polite or say 'hi' or 'excuse me' or whatnot than were you to hit on me.
If a woman, for instance, walks into a bar and asks for sex, 3 or 4 guys will be talk to her. It's a lot easier for woman to get sex.
not that I've ever flirted with anyone to get my way. I'm actually not that great at flirting. Whenever I see a good looking guy I'll smile [not at them] to show them I'm friendly. But apparently some guys don't respond to that. Well I never make eye contact, so. a lot of help that is.
Again, possible sabatoge.
No, Mr. Brown I'm sorry but it's not as much a man's world as they'd like to think.
like the song though.
yeah so i'm a little sexist towards guys.
Women, well. not only do we rock [Madonna, Joan Jett, Lesley Gore's 'You Don't Own Me' and so forth] but we can do just as much as men can. Actually more since we can give birth.
Another point I'm going to make is that maybe it's the way a person's raised. For instance, my mom's dad was never around. So her mom was the one doing the housework. Which my mom learned from her mom.........and I learned from mine. The breadwinner of the house, as it were. And not only that but also to be strong and independent.
It's interesting the things we subconsciously learn from our parents.
Whereas with my dad, he only saw his dad once a week. So, same situation. So maybe he expectes the woman to do the housework. Not that he'd ever order anyone. He's a nice guy, actually. but because I see him as my dad [which, obviously. he is] I don't see him that way. I see him as the guy who irritates the hell out of me, who I can't stand.'
'So, today.
Woke up at 5 past 12lunch. I went to Safeway, got groceries.
On the way back I had a mini picnic in the park. I sat and drank tea. It was nice.
Then I saw a moth. It was brown, folded. It didn't fly away when I took a photo of it.
That was the most interesting thing that happened to me today.
I don't like moths.'
'13th
So last Thursday [the...8th], as usual, Mom & I visited the grandparents.
Her mom's the same. well. she's not worse.
My grandfather rode the elevator up with us. When we got to their apartment the door was open.
We met the pastor of my grandparents church. Well. They don't go anymore, but it's where they met - in the choir, actually - married and were going for years. My mom's choir often performs there.
He was very nice, warm, interested in people. He reminded me of a cookie; full of good things. He hadn't been with the church for long, moved to CO from PA when he was 10. Oh, and his name's Greg.
So apparently, my aunt Sue [Mom's brother's wife] 's mom, Marilyn, is narcissistic. Which, for the longest time, I thought only guys could be diagnosed with, as Narcissus himself was a guy. [It's also a pretty flower, aka the daffodil. well they're all pretty]. I guess, when Marilyn was growing up, her mom was in the hospital, sick. So she didn't really have a mom. [Where her dad was I don't know]. Marilyn lived with her grandmother who told her horrible stories about the Holocaust [sp?]. Oh, Sue's side of the family's Jewish. From this, I gathered that the stories somehow led to the narcissism......that there's some connection there.
I could be wrong.
Then we went to visit my dad's mom, Carol. John wasn't there, he'd 'gone to the top'. When she - Carol - told me this I said "the top of what?". To Pike's Peak. He was on a trip there.
My grandmother was sitting in her designated chair in the living room when we got there. Her hair looked different; it was "in 20 different directions". She'd had it washed.
While my mom took care of paperwork my grandmother and I talked. About a Japanese film she saw w/ her sons [my dad and my uncle]. She said it was confusing, one of those stories where the same story is told from different perspectives. So "you can't say you enjoyed it". You just tolerated it.
And one of the actresses in the film had eyebrows drawn above her actual ones, to evidently indicate that she was of importance.
I don't recall the name of the film.
Sometimes the actress played the killer, sometimes the victim.
My grandmother went on to say that when women are "violated" we know about and feel sorry for them.
Who is this 'we' she mentioned?
[And don't feel sorry for me because I was assaulted. Yes this is a common theme in my entries. They both are, actually. A good rule of thumb, as the saying goes, is if I don't feel sorry for myself, then...].
It took me years to be able to tell people about the assault. Most people don't know right away.
yeah that was a little triggering.
We talked about the story of Beauty & The Beast, as the production company PHAMAly's putting it on soon and we're going. They're so good. I mentioned the Disney version and she mentioned another version, the one where the father has 3 daughters and he asks each what they want before he travels....and Belle simply replies a rose.
The beast tells the father he can have the rose if the beast 'has' Belle.
See? The princess does 'win'! Because all she wants is a rose, something more meaningful than jewelry. [unless the jewelry's from a sibling and/or passed down]. Roses are beautiful, and interesting because they're the only flowers with thorns. So you have to be careful with them.
Like Cinderella. Sure she didn't have much but she was kind and pretty and that's why the prince fell in love with her. awww.
Hepburn [Audrey] was a princess, in very much the same way.
[A bit like me. Actually, I read in the astrology section of a tarot book that that's how Leos are supposed to be. I was born the same day as Mae West. and Mata Hari who, incidentally enough, I did a report on in middle school.
And Aquarians, which Kate is, are the rebels without a cause. that was definately her in high school....wild. As with my dad and his brother. He was the more cautious, safer one whereas his brother was the more 'rebellious' one. I think my dad might be older as well.
You can take astrology or leave it. At any rate, it's interesting].
Anyway.
My grandmother said "and then they lived happily ever after".
Don't get me wrong, I love happy endings. As do most people. As well as fairy tales. But I also understand that not everything has a happy ending.
And I feel like she's kindof oblivious to that.
I live in a dark world, as it were. not so much now being that it's summer.......but definately in winter. My world may be dark but again. least I don't ignore it. I never have.
I can't stand people who take things 'too lightly'. [I might just have offended some who read that i'm sorry. a lot of help that is when it's already happened. remember. i'm as entitled to my opinion as anyone else].
My mom's an optimist but she's also a realist. whereas my dad. er. really isn't. And I don't think he grasps that not everything will and does end happily. I don't think he actually can.
I'm not being mean there I'm being honest.
It's not so much that I'm afraid of turning into him......it's that I simply don't want to. And, I have depression. and maybe I notice more of the 'dark' in this world because, of that. hm...
My dad and his mom are both sentimentalists. as am I. He'll stop and say how sweet a bunny is. And I agree, bunnies are sweet. [they actually used to scare me as they don't have pupis. either that, or they do but they're really dark. that, plus after seeing Donnie Darko....
On that note......my grandfather mentioned someone named Harvey. like the giant invisible rabbit? the woman who wrote the story lived in Denver].
So.
This happened July 4, actually. He was looking at a bunny on the lawn below my grandparents' building. Mom and I were standing by the car ready to go. I mean cmon let's not make Mom wait.
There's a time and a place.
So back to the original point, Thursday's events.
My grandmother keeps forgetting I don't live at the parents'. she asked me if they had a DVD player to which I told her "I don't know I'm never there".
She also told me I should join a library. as there's one right up the road. [well no not literally right up the road. a few yards]. uhm. no. 1; i'm never there B; i don't particularly want to go/join and 3; my past history w/ the library/Macy's/etc].
which my grandmother doesn't know, just as she doesn't know about the assault.
My mom came in while I was looking at the Netflix DVD list my uncle had emailed my grandmother. He signed up for Netflix because she wanted it. On it were The Company, a dance movie with I think Shirley McLaine [sp? she was in that recent Coco Chanel tv film] and Young At Heart, which my mom saw and loved.
The last time my uncle was here he suggested movies my grandmother might like, including "some of the Elizabeth ones". my grandmother was confused, thinking he meant the actress Elizabeth [Taylor] as opposed to movies about the queen.
So Jamie visited. Apparently, she won't be one of my grandmother's caretakers. I'm unclear as to why....also apparently, there'r 4; herself, Danielle, Jane & Audrey. when she said Jane would be visiting I thought 'like Jane Seymour'. who, I like. that's how I remember people's names.
And as it so happens Jane's from England. as is the actress.
She was shorter and thinner than I, not at all how I pictured her. i liked her accent/ I'm 5'4. [which I think is about 160 cms].
Jane helped my grandmother with her walking. They walked out of the apartment Carol on her walker and down the hall. My grandmother [aka Carol. I use the names to avoid confusion], said she'd been in her kitchen without her walker, which I liked.
My mom and I left.
At 1:38 that afternoon she calls me back, as I'd called earlier. I tell her my internet hasn't been working and if Dad has the time, to call me. she says he'll call back when he gets home.
I'm thinking it'll be sometime around 3,4 that day. No he calls back at 7. where the hell was he all that time? I knew he had a meeting with the publisher [oh yeah. he's publishing a book. on Swiss Army Knives, which he knows quite a bit about] but that wouldn'tve taken more than an hour or so. that was at 12 so he might've gotten lunch....i didn't ask where he was. as I didn't care to know. that's a frustration question.
If you're going to pick me up and you call and say 'hey I'll be there in 20/30' whatever amount of minutes, then I can go 'ok now what can I get done in that amount of time?'. I just like to know when things are going to happen so I don't feel like that time's being wasted.
I don't like to be caught unprepared. for all he knew I could've been asleep. or. something.
And, I recently discovered that when it comes to my dad, saying 'well maybe if you have time....' isn't just being respectful of his schedule. As said, the word 'maybe' is a possibility but it's also not a definate 'yes'. It's like, 'well maybe if you have time....' could be 'ya know, I don't really want to see you. But I don't have to call someone from the internet company to come and fix my internet and pay them if I call you'. I mean, that's kindof rude.
I'm much to polite to come right out and say so. and not all that comfortable.
wow a lot was covered in this entry'
'Thank you to a recent noter for bringing this to my attention.
Some, guys would straightaway ask where a woman lives. Not all, according to the noter [Captian]. '
'14th
Apparently. apples are in the rose family, according to my dad. Well if anyone would know, it's him. Or maybe it's the other way around.
It makes sense. Apples are tempting juicy. yummy. Roses are romantic and beautiful. They both smell good and could go together with passion and sex....there's the story of Adam and Eve, Snow White with the apples......roses, Beauty & The Beast.
Apples are great with peanut butter. oh and nutella and cinnamon.
Yesterday evening - it was still light out - while I was out walking an image came to me of a rose coming out of an apple. But every time I put down the drawing that's in my head on paper, it doesn't look the same.
Like with birds. The last time I drew them they frustrated me.
I didn't see my bird friend. I always look for him, in the tall grass behind King Soopers. I saw him, once. took a photo. a robin.
I stopped by the 2 trees, seeing the tiny green apples in them. I didn't know they were apple trees untill then. Going up Fillmore, where my parents live, there's an apple tree. I guess you could see the apple trees enchanted me. I thought-asked the tree if I could have an apple. Its energy told me yes. i thanked it.
The apple was really good.
Yeah. maybe trees do have feelings. they certainly have energy. so really. who's to say.
I took a photo of the apples. half of it, the one I was eating, looked like wings.
I was empowering the tree by asking.
I always feel weird picking flowers. But I guess. the tree produced the [grew*. not produced. hey, produce! as in, fruits/veggies] the fruit so we could eat it. that's entirely the point.
natural free food.
I'm a big believer in empowerment.....people, trees..... '
'Obviously. That's why I'm typing this. hey writing can be helpful.
And it's not so much that I can't as....I don't want to. yeah night terrors again.
the link's www.nightterrors.org. or maybe it's .com?
well, one of those.
And, as usual, I've been trying to figure out the reason for them.
You know. I don't think I've ever described them in great detail. One's Frank, from Donnie Darko. the other's um. that weird girl from Silent Hill.
I don't want to ever see either of those movies again.
I'm afraid to. as in. both see the movies again and describe the night terrors in great detail.
I've been eating a bit more. and yet. i've become thinner. or maybe I haven't been eating as much as I think because I haven't written it down. them. the food/s.
So, insomnia, as mentioned's, a survival tactic. you don't eat your body doen't let you sleep untill you eat.
and I'm not eating because......?
this is what i've come up with.
If I stay up untill the sun gets up, then the night terrors will go away, as 'they' don't like light.
Night terrors are brought on by stress. which causes insomnia. which, therefore. causes insomnia, again.
Could be as simple as, the later you stay up the later you'll be up the next day.
Maybe it's my being perceptive. Holding back stuff from my mom, regarding Kate's recent firing. because Kate was hurt this makes me. hurt.
my friend Eileen's been feeling depressed. [she has bipolar and CP]. and she's just as perceptive as I am.
I mean it has to manifest itself somehow.
be it cutting, drugs, drinking.....whatever.
and/or it could be money. for EBT i'm getting $40 less than I usually get for this month and next.
So, yesterday I realise I forgot my King Soopers card. which. never happens. but I did have my EBT card though. the Soopers card would've saved me like. $2. not a lot.
And, the other week I came home and realised I'd forgotten 1 of my bags - plastic - at the store. with my groceries in it. I considered going back and getting it but i didn't. which also. never happens.
so now I have to be consciously aware to remember both those things.
I mean, idinno. it causes a little more worry because of the reason. [sorry, i know that didn't make sense. damn i'm knackered].
I'm pretty well stocked for food. it's just become such a habit to go to the store. It gets me out, which helps my depression/boredom/restlessness.
going to the store is the only thing i do weekly. sometimes more than weekly.
um...............
oh. so it's become an obligation. Like, 'ok well I have to make myself go somewhere or else I'll get more restless'. that 'somewhere' being the store.
I always try to leave just enough untill the next time I get my card loaded. like. I try not to spend it all. it's nice to have that certainty.
Eventually, I won't have to consciously be aware to take the Soopers card and not leave my groceries at the store.
About the Eileen situation. I emailed her, asking how she's doing.'
'I want/need your opinions please.
So, I'm trying this new online dating. thing. I message a guy that seems interesting, asking him how he is. I'm hoping he asks me. and then I proceed to ask about his day/weekend.
next comes my usual getting-to-know people questions.
If he doesn't answer any of these questions or ask me the same then I'm like, ok, well. guess that's it then.
Do you think I'm being too picky? [most likely]
Or maybe it's like I expect him to do all the work......after I ask those questions. I know it's obvious to most people what to ask, but to me, it's not.
I literally don't know what else to ask people. Favorite animals and why, time of day and why, movies, music......and then I'm stuck.
I need specific examples of what else to ask.
Oh, and if, as said, I don't get a good feeling from someone, then.
Thank you! '
'Someone compliments us and we go 'thank you' and sometimes 'it's the thing I get complimented on the most'.
Or, we get a gift and say 'oh I don't have anything for you' rather than saying simply 'thank you'.
It's hard for us to leave it at 'thank you'. Maybe it's because we're uncomfortable...I know I am sometimes.
Or maybe we want the person to know more about us, or we want to feel less alone. Could be we want to say something.'
'15th
I want to go to the mountains. I've been wanting to go for awhile now, actually. They're incredible.
And the hotel's up there. 'The hotel' being the Stanley. I absolutely adore the Stanley.
I'm ready. to go there to the mountains.
My grandfather liked them I once asked him why. He didn't know.
He was quiet. That's. always good. Volunteering at the senior citizens' residence, which I did last year, was the most time I spent with him. that I recall.
Growing up, we'd always have to watch him struggle to get out words. Now he doesn't have to struggle anymore.
It's a relief, in a way.
I can't say I love/d him. I can't even say I miss him.
I just......wonder about him. From time to time a news story will pop up about a death and then I'll remember. 'oh'.
And questions will arise. What was his favorite food? What did he think of the rain?
I like them lingering, you know being out there in the universe.
I know my grandmother misses him. But she has John to talk to. He's wonderful.
He's like a cookie, full of good things. A few people I know of are like that, myself included.
And, my grandmother was the one who wanted the divorce. so she really "can't" blame him for leaving, for. dying. if she does at all.
well. i mean, she can i shouldn't say she can't........
He didn't expect a lot of me during my volunteering time. I didn't feel he expected me to talk.
I knew he went to church, though I don't know how regularly. Unitarian. it felt right to him.
Well I understand that.
He'd take my dad on trips up to the mountains.
My grandfather took photos, some of which were in books, I don't know which.
And........I'm a photographer. I think there's a connection there.
He liked trains.
Maybe I was the only one who ever asked him, about why. I like to know why.
Even if I wasn't.......I like to think I was. We had that moment between us.
It's still weird. only if I think about it. being there. 'There' being by the senior citizens' residence. But only if I'm aware.
He was a field medic in the second world war. He never talked about it. I wonder if it's the terrors of war, as it were, or his possible Asperger's. or both.
he didn't talk much.
even in death he wanted to help people even if he didn't understand the concept. [of helping. though I really can't say]. '
'God. it's been a long hard. confusing frustrating. day.
So, this morning.
My new friend calls. We talk for about an hour while I get ready. I realise how rude it is to do laundry when you're on the phone.
The laundry needed to be done.
So, Mom picks me up. We go to visit her parents. Her dad's not there and I don't remember why.
Her mom's the same. We read the book. My grandmother [Bonnie] told us about her grandfather dying from asthma, which apparently happened in those days. She was too young to really know what was going on.
She also told us that one of her brothers fell on the floor heating grate and burned his left arm. He'd originally wanted to be left handed but because of this ended up right. My mom said that her brother David's left handed which people used to believe was wrong. But why? Morally wrong or were they afraid of it, as they understand it?
And why are most people right handed? There must be a reason for that; things don't just happen arbitrarily.
And which are you?
I'm right handed. I think doing things with the opposite hand would be a good skill to learn, to use the other hand. In the event something ever happened...but that seems unlikely.
So, that went well as can be expected.
We went over to Carol's. John let us in. We sat and talked. Carol came in, wearing pink. We talked about her situation. According to my mom, Carol's been given a cognitive test. Which, I guess asseses how well you understand things. I myself have trouble understanding. An example of this is what questions to ask people. While I'm a quick learner I also need more patience and clarification than most.'
'ug. I'm so confused.
So, last night I hung out with this guy. First we started talkin on the drive to Wash Park. More talking there.
When we got to the dock I started getting cold. So he held me.
He's so nice. he's charming a bit old fashioned polite. a gentleman.
He held my door open for me.
When we got back to my place there was more holding and a bit of kissing. not on the lips.
he had to go i didn't want him to.
He's a lot like Michael, actually.
He has these beautiful green eyes that see everything. from Georgia.
and yeah. I'm starting to fall for him. god he's just so nice.
I told him that and he's like 'whoa slow down. you just met me'.
Yeah maybe I am moving too fast. I don't want to scare him off. maybe he doesn't feel the same way or expect the same things next time. as Ido.
and then where would that leave me?
idinno.
and yes i know the only way is to ask him.
I crave intimacy. we can talk about everything. he treats me right.
y'know?
if he were an ass then ya. i wouldn't fall for him this damn quickly.
i mean, ok. he didn't say 'no'. he just said 'not now'.
I'm definately happier in a relationship I know that.
I want a relationship without the sex. a physical relationship without the sex? do people do that?
and. he's only here untill the end of summer, so.
ugh i'm so confused'
'Either way, whether it turns into something or not, we both had a nice time. we enjoyed each other's company. He gets it. I've made a new friend.
And, I mean. really. I think, if, you're at the store, for instance, and you find a clerk you really like, you'll go back to that clerk. Or a song, you'll listen to it repetitively.
I'm not alone in that.'
'17th
So, I was thinking about this just now.
So, I don't give sympathy. Well. Occassionally I'll give Kate sympathy. It sometimes slips out.
And becuase I don't give sympathy it could be assumed I'm a bitch.
No.
I don't give you sympathy because I want you to understand that you're a hell, of a lot more self-sufficient than you realise.
I also feel like sympathy is another way of going 'oh, well I don't actually care enough about you to listen. I'll just go 'I'm sorry' and be on my way'.
wow how rushed are you.
I care. I care a lot. If I don't know what to do/say then ya know what. I'll be straight with you about it.
I have absolutely no problem admitting I don't know.
I ask questions because, I care. That's precisely my way of caring. At the very least you should be flattered I take such an interest in you. I want to find out more, I have the time to. Because. a lot of people don't. not anymore, not in this day and age.
A lot of people don't get that.
It's interesting; I'm a very emotional person, driven by my emotions. I'm wicked perceptive. And yet. This is the one area of my life where I'm practical.
And frankly, - which I just now realised - I think sympathy holds people back, it really does. As previously mentioned, it borders on pity. If you give someone sympathy/pity, then aren't all you doing is making them feel incompetent? well, with pity, anyway.
See, that's why people are depressed. Well, I mean along with the usual environmental/emotional issues and the chemical inbalance.'
'Yes as you can tell, I've nothing better to do with my time at near 20 till 3 a.m. on a Saurday *than write entries. I actually don't.
lol.
So, this happened Thursday afternoon. A guy and I'd been talking since Monday. I asked him, since things were [the operative word being 'were' here] going so well between us, if he wanted to get together. He said yes.
So, Thursday afternoon, we met at Safeway [1; i felt more comfortable there and B; my place, suburbia/Edward Scissorhandsland, is apparently confusing. well I mean I can see that since everything looks alike. er. all the units]. Things went well.
We went to Wash Park, sat, talked about my history and why I was the way I was. Alrite, fine. If you want to ask me the reason behind something, I'm totally cool with that.
That was a pretty revealing/overwhelming conversation. He said he wanted to help me overcome my shyness. Fair enough. But, and although he was nice about it, the overall feeling was that in order to do that, I'd have to change, physically. [I know I'm being vague here but that's on purpose, as I'm really not comfortable posting the details].
First off. You could at least have the decency to ask. And it doesn't even have to be a big thing. This happened that morning, actually. My maternal grandmother was having trouble placing her bookmarker in her book, and I asked 'do you want help?'. she didn't.
That way, you give someone the option. You're not going 'here let me help you with that', which is pushy.
And I made a 'vow', if you will, to myself a long time ago, that I'm not going to change for anyone. Hell, sometimes. I'm not even going to change for myself. as has been read in my most recent recovery entries.
And, what he said translates into 'oh, you're not good enough'.
It took me a damn long time to get to the point where I feel good enough. damn long time. And that's going to send me into a relapse.
seriously, wow ok. He says he wants to help me and then he makes me feel bad. On the way back to Safeway, I told him 'look, I'm not going to change for anyone. If you want to help me that's great, but it's up to me'. He got that.
He hasn't phoned and frankly, I don't want him to. Not if he's going to try to control me. that's honestly how I feel. I don't need a guy telling me what to wear how to act, etc. thank you Lesley Gore. No you don't own me.
You can take me or leave me, but before you leave me think about who you're giving up. Really think about it.
I like scarves. If you see a scarf at, like, Target that you think I'd like, sure. Or, a movie recommendation. tell me about it. [i mean that literally].
but there's a difference between recommendations and .........trying to control me.
I've said it before and I'll say it again; I'm not going to be youre 1950's housewife. I'm not going to wait on you [although I'll wait for you because I'm insanely patient], I'm not going to cook for you [because. well. I don't even cook for me] and, as much as I love Marilyn Monroe, she's glamorous and I admire her for all she went through, I'm sure as hell not going to be your prostitute. If you want a prostitute you can either go to Colfax or Paris.
yeah I'm sexy. I mean, thank you. lol. But I was not put on this earth to have sex. And frankly, it scares me. I'm just not that appealed [that even a word?] by having sex.
You can take me or fuk off. And. He chose to fuk off.
I want it that way. I've done nothing wrong here. He was the one who made me upset. not the other way around. [not that i would ever intentionally upset anyone].
I used to be the kindof person who didn't say no. [not that i slept around. as I didn't]. And. that's.........er. that hasn't worked out so well for me. All I'm really doing here is protecting myself.
I'm a pretty decent person. Sure I might not always like what you say, but I will respect the fukin hell out of you if you're straight with me. But....ya gotta be careful with your words. *Oh. And I'll give anyone a first chance. I try and see the best in people. But if you fuk me over or hurt me or piss me off [which, by the way is very hard to do], then. that's pretty much it.
I would never.......make someone feel not good enough. omygod. If anything, I try and do the opposite. Just the other week I left Kate a message telling her that it's great she emailed her boss and asked him whether or not she should come in.
I try to encourage people.
Just the other day my mom and I were talking about my trash. [I don't often take my trash out. She explained why this isn't good]. If you don't explain somethin like that to me, I won't know why it's not good in the first place. Same as, if a lamp's broken and you don't know why....well. you know.
So, then we thought of ideas of things for me to have where the trash usually is.
You know, that's fine. You can ask me why I do/don't do something and then we can come up with ideas, depending on the subject matter. An explanation being what I just went over.'
'about. the concept of TMI.
So, on Facebook my status updates will sometimes have 'it's that time again' referring to the fact that I'm getting my period.
I'll even post here that I'm getting my period.
Yes I realise it's TMI. Yes. I realise people might not be comfortable with hearing that. Er. reading.
But, least on Facebook, I really don't give a damn what people think. I'm pretty open there. I'm going to post a status update, regardless of whether or not you I think I should.
Or even something along the lines of 'hey things aren't so great so if I'm short with you....'.
I'm a big believer in explanations. [As well as self sufficiency, which I've made quite clear]. I tell people this so they don't think I'm annoyed with them. though. sometimes I am. So they don't think 'wow ok I'm sorry for apparently annoying you'.
With those I'm comfortable around, I'm going to be straight [that's probably the only other slang term I use. it means honest] with you and let you know this type of stuff, so that. as just explained.
Frankly. I'm more worried about me unintentionally hurting you than with making you uncomfortable. although. I generally try not to make people uncomfortable.
And I expect the same from them, too. No not a full detailed explanation as to why you're short with me, but. you know. something along the lines of 'hey things haven't been so great lately.....' type of thing.'
'So, here's my issue. [Momentarily, that is].
When I phone people and I'm upset, they don't call back that day. And, when I'm upset I need someone to talk to right away. It's an in-the-moment situation.
I don't want advice on this. it's just. an observance.'
'....out for each other" - Streissand.
Well. I had quite an interesting day.
At the end, I was in the bus station building. thing........a few feet ahead of me was a woman and her 3 daughters, around 8 or 9. She couldn't've been more than 26.
So she went to the bathroom. I stayed there, kept watch. I mean, nothing happened to them but I feel as a woman it's my responsibility to watch out for other women. And children.
Now I don't have kids. But if I did I know I'd want someone watching out for them while I was in the restroom.
As Streissand said, "the only real responsibility we have is to look out for each other". she's absolutely right.
So we get on the bus, sit down, etc. One of the daughters sits in t he back. I look her way time to time to make sure she's ok.
A guy, about 60, gets on the bus. I see he's having trouble moving. I stand automatically and give him my seat. I wanted to. god I'm such a lady.
The way I see it, my time isn't any more important than anyone else's. I'm not that rushed.
I'm near 23; the world could learn a lot from me.......I give my seat to senior citizens. um. I watch out for people, I'm polite, I give money to homeless people............
Which was another thing I did today. I asked a guy if he wanted some which he did. I gave him a dollar. Well, I didn't just want to presume he wanted it and then give it to him.
What he does with it really. isn't my business. I like helping people.'
'19th
My weekend was. ok.
Saturday I went downtown and saw Toy Story 3. I liked it but didn't love it. it was dark for a children's movie. and creepy. I liked the colors, and the dinosaur. He's kindof like me.
The beginning of the movie confused the hell out of me, with the cartoon. I couldn't tell if the animated dudes were supposed to be clouds or....I liked the music. Oh and then the first scene of the movie was confnusing.
it was surreal.
there were bagpipers, downtown. of all people. i don't like bagpipes, although I'm partially Scottish/Irish. it was so weird. we'll have guitarists but not. bagpipers. In all my years I have never seen that.
maybe due to my period or that it's summer or that i don't eat when i get my period.......and interestingly enough I still get, my period.
but.
it was like living in a Dali painting. everything was melting. it was slow. and. weird.
TMI
I came to some conclusions, regarding the aforementioned health. The fact that I get depressed when I get my period might, along with hormanal shifts, have to do with the fact that I'm already depressed.
idinno makes sense to me.
TMI END
That night my sister phoned. We talked about the movie. She has a new dog. He's cute. He's small and brown and looks like a terrier. She's named him Junior. I think he should have a different name but I don't know what.
Rose is a good name for a Basset because, like roses, they're round. er. well roses are full, not round. Golden retrievers look like sunflowers with their brown eyes. And, no one else would have a golden retriever named Sunflower. Pablo for a cat because. it just works.
He loves everyone and everyone loves him. The latter sounds like me. He's calm, not sure what to do with himself at Kate's. She found him tied to a fence.
Yesterday.
I slept untill around 2. The transistion time between Saturday and Sunday was very slow. Last night Imet up with a new friend. He's different, factual. Almost bordering on someone with Asperger's. but not. We walked literally around Wash Park. that was my only problem. it felt a bit rushed.
A woman was walking her dog by the white boathouse. she was etherally beautiful. the woman, that is.
I wanted to sit down but I felt sitting down would lead to other. things. intimacy and whatnot. so we didn't.
I've been trying very hard to keep my and other people's personal/physical boundaries in mind. It's hard. as though I'd expect things to be anything but.
i hate holding back like that.'
'Yall know - and if you didn't before you certainly do now -that I'm trying this new online dating thing. If I message a guy and he seems cool then we can go from there.
I've gotten together with 3 guys since Thursday. All that's really happened, with the exception of Ru [he knows how I feel about him. I've made it pretty damn clear] is that we've hung out at Wash Park and talked. And really. that's all I expect will happen. You know, I don't want someone thinking 'omygod so does she expect me to pay for dinner, or....?'. I don't want that. I'm not that high maintenance. I want people to feel comfortable around me. If you don't feel comfortable around me then somethin's wrong.
If you want to take me out to dinner, or you want to cook for me, that's fine. But I certainly don't expect you to.
So, anyway.
I looked at this one guy's profile and decided, I'm not really interested. He messages me, asks me how I am. I reply because, well. I'm a nice person. I'm willing to give anyone a chance untill.....
either;
A; you ask where I live, what my number is
2; I get the sense you just want sex from me
and/or
C; you manage to hurt me in some way/fuk me over.
And then I won't talk to you.
Which. is exactly what he did. He shoots me a message, basically managing to insult me. Making me think there's something wrong with me becuase I'm shy.
No, ok? that is not cool and that is not ok. You do not insult me.
I haven't replied. For one, frankly I don't want to continue things. And secondly, I'm pretty sure that's what he wants. He just wants a reaction from me. Well, ya don't always get what you want.
Also, I don't want to start anything.
Eventually he'll get bored and move on. i'm. hoping.
I'm sorry for whatever he's got going on in his life that makes him feel like he has to insult me, I really am. And I hope it gets worked out. Because I wish for the best for people, even if I don't know them.
I'm the type who believes everything happens for a reason. People don't just randomly do things like that. Things don't just randomly happen. I mean, there was once a use for the appendix, for instance.
You can disagree with me, that's fine.
Especially when I'm having my period. especially then. I'm the sweetest person you'll ever meet. untill......I get my period.
I mean who does that?
well apparently he does.
I'm not one of those women who responds to being insulted. I know there are some out there who do.
Again, I apologise for being sexist [yes here I go] but do men think they can do/say whatever the hell they want just because they're men?
I don't think that because I'm hot that I can use that to my advantage. sure it's an option but I wouldn't. Also I don't have enough confidence to flirt with someone untill I already know them.
You show me a nice guy, a guy who treats me like Grace Kelly, and I won't be sexist.
And, whether or not I'm having my period, still. not cool. ever.
I would never........
It takes a lot to piss me off but that. that did it.
Personally I grew up years ago. i thought you had too.
And, as obvious as this may be to some it's not to me. I literally don't know what to say. to him.
Ya wanna know why women are so damn angry? well listen to Joan Jett. she doesn't need a man to rock she rocks all on her own. she doesn't have the answer/s she just. well, as said. freakin rocks.
And this doesn't allow for notes because.......... '
'20th
I am spent. now there's a phrase I don't think I've ever used.
It's near 3:20 a.m. I woke up at 7:23 a.m. yesterday, went back to sleep untill 3:47 p.m. Seriously. Who the fuk gets up at 7:23 willingly?
as you can tell I'm pretty damn annoyed.
So I missed the whole day.
Later I phoned my friend who said he'd phone me. yeah........we didn't get together.
So I've been kindof self-centered lately. I don't even know what he wants. wow. I forget that just because I don't have a schedule doesn't mean others are the same.
I don't even know if he wants to get together. I mean I'm hoping he does since we got on well the last time. but, you know.
Or maybe it's because this other guy hurt me [no, not physically] and so that's all I'm thinking about which carries over and.....yeah.
carries over into other aspects of my life, that is. The law of attraction. which is, as well as being an interesting concept, also kindof hard. You have to be really careful what you think about.
I'll phone someone and then think 'oh maybe they won't call' or 'oh maybe they've gone to bed', or something. Well of course if I think like that! or when someone goes 'I can't....' whatever it is. not with that attitude.
there's some quote about that......
I don't like being careful all the time. I learned this while in New York. no, being as safety conscious as I am isn't always such a good thing. not if it makes me anxious.
um so............right. last night.
I was pretty upset. I was trying really hard not to cut. Which is physically easier than writing by hand. Well. as is typing. Being emotional hurts. being upset hurts. it actually physicaly hurts i don't know if you've ever noticed or not. but ya.
I listened to some music......I guess I was doing it on purpose because I needed to be upset. Is that weird?
some John Lennon, Eva Cassidy, Kate Voegle.....the songs on my recovery mix, basically.
I was upset because both of er..........no. Because of PMS as well as being hurt.
and I don't like going it alone. I really don't like being upset alone.
made some tea, read. I'll either read or obsessively organise my CD cases. even if they're already organised. it's an OCD thing.
It was. uh idinno. very draining. one of the 'worst', if you will. nights I've had in awhile.'
'Things aren't going much better today.
It's cloudy - oh no wonder I'm depressed. I woke up an hour ago [now 15 to 5 p.m.] after sleeping all day and I'm still pretty tired.
I haven't really been eating.....well ok, I either have or I haven't. I meant. I've been eating less.
I know how frightening that is. I'm frightened too.
Last night I had pudding because, it sounded good.
I haven't been cutting either. you know that saying, trade one poison for the next.
I know why I'm tired I know exactly why.
um. I'm almost finished with this book. Jane Green's Promises To Keep. I like it. i read fast.
After last night.........I feel so damn fragile, like I'm about to break in half. which well ok I am. fragile, that is. I don't like it. I don't like feeling this out of control.
But it's the way it's going to be for awhile
I'm thinking of going to the store because, at the very least it'll get me out of the house. er. not that i live in an actual house. and worst that can happen is i'll feel the same.
so ok yeah of course if i think like that..... '
'well given I don't like the world much today,.....ya.
Well I do and I don't. The great thing about technology is that if you can't reach someone by phone then you can FB them and/or email them. Sure you could text them too but I don't have texting, so.
But see, life's less of a mystery with Facebook. You know right away what the person likes. And they post photos of themselves with their friends.
So it's like. wow. thanks for reminding me I don't have friends.
Ok now that's not entirely true. I've 2 people here I consider my friends. Then there's Lindsey, my sister and Eileen from FL. But I don't get together with those people. Others' status updates state that they're going to pick up this person or they can't wait to see that person. Mine aren't like that. they're usually quotes or how I'm feeling or what I'm doing. or about music.
My photos are of downtown
My photos are of downtown, my travels, nature.
I'm just not a social person. but that also entirely depends on who ya are. If I'm comfortable around you then I'll ramble on and apparently I never shut up. If you want to talk then you have got to let me kknow. I have no problem with that.'
'21st
.....have sex.
So, the friend I got together with recently, this morning he just up and left. god. without leaving a freakin note.
seriously, have some common sense man.
Nothing really. happened. Ok? i'm not doing anything wrong here......I'm not whoring myself, I'm sure as hell not having sex, I'm not doing drugs, shooting up......I'm getting to know some people.
Also. It's my life and I'll do what I want. I never asked anyone to agree with what I do. I'm pretty careful.
ok, sorry.
I mean yeah I was starting to have feelings for him.....till he up and left. Hell even when I was in my room and he in the living room I left a note! so that he didn't wake up and go 'where is she?'.
yeah so i'm pretty damn upset/hurt/angry. If you got work or something to do or whatever, fine. but for the love of god leave a note.
really, who is that irresponible??
yes so clearly, i'm not thinking of his side. and i don't really want to right now.
Everything was going well up untill.......then.
Thank god we didn't have sex. honestly. not that I ever want to..........[it's complicated, so many things could go wrong, etc.....]. that's just. about the biggest relief.
I've said it before and I'll say it again; show me a guy who's nice, responsible, treats me like Grace Kelly and I won't be sexist towards men. This is the very reason I am sexist towards men!
I'm sorry for being rude here but.........and this doesn't allow for notes because......well frankly. i don't want your opinion.'
'Pardon me for being overdramatic. I know, big surprise knowing me.
I am not a whore. no. You do not and you will not leave without leaving a freakin note. I've assumed that the, er, clients of prostitutes just up and leave. Now. given I've never actually met any......yeah I really can't say.
Don't you ever make me feel not good enough. and don't you ever make me feel like a whore. No. In a weird, self conscious way I do have too much self respect [at least. right now] to go that route. I don't sleep around. never have.
and thank god I don't.
just like my dad. well no ok maybe not just like my dad. Like my dad in that they're both irresponsible. If my dad's going to be late he won't phone. He once was 30 minutes late.
just what i've always wanted, an Elektra complex. oh god.......er no. [oh, that's the female equivelant of an Oedipus complex].
I'm not going to be ok with your damn excuse for not doing whatever. not calling. no those are what I hold on to.
sigh. why don't i just become a lesbian? after all i'm halfway there.
And this one doesn't allow for notes because, again. frankly. i don't want your opinion.'
'So my sister phoned earlier today. er. this afternoon. Today? god it's been a long day.
We talked mainly about her, and the dog. I told her she seems happier and she agreed. A friend of hers is going to be in a production of Romeo & Juliet, and she's going. I told her that I've been reading a lot because. well I have time to read, as we'd covered. Currently I'm reading the new Ann Brashares book.
Kate told me she wanted to make sure I'm ok then asking 'so are you ok?'.
well let's see......I haven't eaten in days, a guy up and left this morning, I haven't heard from Ru,......sure yeah I'm fine.
The hardest part about this is the lying. ok well not exactly lying, technically. Just. not telling her everything.
But it's also the most neccessary part. First off, she's my younger, sister. She doesn't need to center her life around worrying about me. She needs to do whatever it is she needs to do.
And secondly. I don't want her lecturing me. About oh, 'you really shouldn't be meeting....'.
Look, I'm not getting to know these guys just to have sex with them. good god. i'm not a prostitute. give me some fukin credit here. And in fact, I don't want to have sex.
If you do something I don't agree with, like moving in with your significant other, drinking, cutting, etc...sure yeah I won't agree with it but I also. sure as hell won't ever tell you not to. The way I see it is, it's your life. long as you're careful. you make your own mistakes.
I'm almost 23 and I will do what I damn well want to whether you like it or not.
I haven't gotten STDs/pregnant, so. really. I think I'm doing pretty damn well.'
'so, it's not like I told the guy 'hey hun when you get up will you leave a note?'. I hadn't. I just sortof assumed he would. I mean, as gone over, that's what I'd do.
However.....I learned something from this, upsetting as it was. And that's, when a friend stays over, to just be straight with them about it. and ask, 'hey will you leave a note if I'm not up?'. '
'Shawn. the guy I hung out with yesterday morning.
I miss the company. I miss the intimacy.
and apparently, kissing is like cake. cake that i just can't get enough of. damn.
Cmon now, let's be reasonable here. All he did was up and leave, literally. He didn't try to have sex with me he didn't push me into anything I wasn't ready for.
dear god i've been blindsided.
yeah ok I don't like being emotionally hurt. no one does. and that, frankly. is something I hold against people.
But.....however.......it's a fuking lot better than getting an STD or ending up pregnant or whatever. good god. i should be fuking thanking him for that, for not pushing me.
Much as I hate to say it - and I do hate to say it - and as much as I hate being told what to do [and. again. I do] Kate was right when she told me not to have sex. Oh but it's apparently ok for me to drink and smoke and cut.
no but it is. those don't cause pregnancies/STDs. ya weird i know.
No I am not. pregnant. I don't have STDs. something almost happened earlier that.....I'm incredibly ashamed of. so, as usual. I'm being vague on purpose.'
'so, I'm not too sure why I'm writing this. There's a reason, as there is to everything I do. Maybe just for the hell of venting on er. screen. observing musing.
Anyway.
So last week, I hungout w/ 2 guys, one of whom being Ru.
The first guy was nice but he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. and we've not talked since. Frankly, I don't want to.
That night I hung out with Ru. I immediatly felt comfortable with him. We [well, with him and the other guy] went to Wash Park. That's. pretty much where I bring them. er. ok wow not like "bring" them, jeez. you know what I mean. where we hang out.
There was talking, getting lost - which I'm apparently really good at - listening to music [Radiohead, White Stripes] and intimacy. went back to my place, more intimacy. He was by far the nicest. since I was so comfortable with him I didn't shut up the entire time.
We've not talked since. I don't know if it's something I did that I'm unaware of.......or somethin goin on with him.....but yeah. I've phoned him and FBed him, asking if he wants to hang out and what works for him. I haven't heard back. And I don't want to be pushy because no one likes that. so I'm just sortof stuck.
I don't even know if he'll ever get back to me. sure, much as I want him to......what he want and what happens aren't always the same thing.
And then, Sunday night, John. he's different, very quiet. very, um. factual. Again, Wash Park. Since we literally walked around the entire time it felt a bit rushed. That was my only issue.
And then there was Shawn, er........yesterday. We - well really, he - talked about cars. We got to my place. it was more.......um. physical than anything. He has that edge to him. you know, the James Dean factor. he's nice. and damnit if I don't like intimacy.
and we all. know how that turned out.......he up and left that morning. I haven't contacted him because I like to give people a day or so. and, as with Ru, I'm honestly not sure..........
so yeah anyway.
And this doesn't allow for notes because........y'know. being that it's a vent/observation/musing entry, it really doesn't need a response.'
'.....I don't mean the ones who already do. I mean the ones who didn't, when I was little.'
'23
which I'm not.
Even though I only keep in contact on a regular basis with the people I know on FB, MySpace, here [I'm really bad with catching up w/ faves], I could never delete someone. I like to know what people are up to. I think that's what I more see FB as, as a 'hey how are you' as opposed to 'hey let's get together'. thing. I guess, I don't like for others to feel left out. That's a big part of it for me. And even when I talk to people on the phone I don't like it when they mention their 'hundreds' of friends, as it were. Michael, aside from 'the guys of last week', was the last good friend I got together with and that was months ago.
no one likes to feel alone. and I'd sortof like for my friends to er. well no not feel lonely, that's not the phrase....but, idinno. find people that are like me in that way.
Oh, so right. I don't delete numbers from my phone book, either. or emails I never delete emails. once it's gone it's. gone. I don't like wondering where it went.....the person, email, phone number. whatever.
I mean, honestly. sitting at home reading or going out with friends? see. exactly, the latter.
Again, I'd prefer to go to a cafe or go by myself to a movie, read, hang out at my place then get together. Er. I do better one on one.'
'So.
I haven't eaten in days. I mean, I've eaten far less.
My friend Phil was over last night and I explained to him a little why I have an eating disorder. He was patient and listened.
I haven't eaten [aka relapsed] because........I've been hurt. and instead of telling the people what they did that I don't like [one of whom, frankly. I don't intend to talk to again] I deal with it by not eating. It's obvious I've lost weight.
If I don't eat then I won't have to go grocery shopping as much. which, as I've gone over, has become more of an obligation than a wanitng.
also, I always leave some money left on my card.
And with Ru......well, he didn't like, hurt me. ok now that's not entirely true. He hasn't gotten back to me and I've done everything I can short of being pushy. so, I'm left curious and wondering.
he just. said something I didn't agree with.
We were sitting on my couch last.......week.....and he was looking at my cuts and he, very quietly, said 'this has to stop. you know that right?'.
I mean, yeah I get that. I completely get that. yes there are better alternatives. no I don't always choose those alternatives.
It just. really leaves me in an awkward position. Like, ok so if we're going to continue seeing [er, not really seeing. hanging out with] each other, then.....that means I can't cut. can't. damnit. he doesn't want me to.
well no one wants me to. but it's just. I hate it when people say things like that.
I don't want to have to cut/not cut just for someone else.
So getting back to my point.
As stated, trade one poison for the next. Ya don't want me cutting? ok well then be aware I won't eat, either.
which yes I realise is far more dangerous.
Oh, if anyone's wondering [and even if you aren't...well...] as for Shawn, I shot him a message asking him to leave a note before he leaves.
This doesn't allow for notes because.......well, frankly. i don't want your opinion.'
'< cont'd from last entry.
Although.......if Ru and I don't hang out, which, seemingly, is becoming more and more likely, then. i won't have to worry about the whole. not. cutting......thing.'
'sigh.
this is actually from last week.
So, at least 2 people asked about my having a job. Well 3, actually including Karen, my mom's choir friend.
One of the guys I met and my friend Eileen. They asked me what I wanted to do for a job. I get that it's one of those getting to know people questions.
I do.
But.......as said, due to extenuating circumstances. I can't have a job.
so, stop asking me about jobs.'
'I was thinkin about this the other day.
I'll find myself going 'tomorrow I'm......' or 'this weekend, I'm......'. I'll also think about past events.
So, just a musing here....but since we literally can't freeze time. are we ever really in the present.
hm....... '
'So, my friend Jordan and I've been talking. We're going to get together tomorrow.
Well, apparently he wants to get food at sometime in time, which he's mentioned several times. Alrite fair enough. But you sure as hell better not expect me to eat when you do. But don't stop on my account.
Just because I'm not eating doesn't mean I don't want you to. If you're hungry then eat. god knows I have enough food. If you're not hungry fine, whatever. there's. really not a whole lot I can do about it.
In a weird way, I kindof forget people have to eat during the day. probably because I sleep during the day other than today. oh yeah......people eat. that's right.
It's not that I don't like food it's.......it's...food. Food's complicated.
idinno it felt pushy.
And apparently, having the 2 guys over that I have, I'm much more comfortable eating at my place. If I eat in front of you.....that's how comfortable I am with you.
See, although Jordan and I haven't actually gotten together, he's. er, well. honestly a bit lacking. in the humour dept. I don't find him funny and I don't think he finds me funny. no I'm not saying there's anything wrong with me, personally. as there's not.
He just. doesn't get me. Remember when I wrote that entry about people not getting me? well anyway, I did. yeah..........he's one of those people. frustrates the hell out of me.
idinno. Phil's funny and sweet. and patient. For now we're just friends. alrite cool I won't push it.
Shawn is. well, he's frekin hot. he's sweet, has that edge to him. funny. sometimes I just want to go 'god just grab me and fuk me already'.
No ok not really. I just.....I like that spontaneous passion that Shawn has. sometimes i just want to make out. and cuddle. nothing more. and, as we've discovered, i like kissing. a lot.
Shawn didn't push me but he also didn't wait too long to get to the physical.
If you have a sudden urge to kiss me then, well. I don't think I'll object. If you want to have sex then.......no. no way. not happening.
That being said, I don't want some random chick/guy going up to me and kissing me. I mean sure yeah I'd be flattered but they're random.
If ya can't make me laught then, apparently, that's an automatic turnoff.
also, end of the summer, Jordan's evidently leaving, so. which makes it hard.'
'24th
Warning: Adult Content
yeah. so when I'm 'with' a guy [as in, being intimate] I don't want him to think I don't find him hot. I just don't find erm. male.....sex, organs all that appealing.
I'm not sure why, really.
it's nothing personal.
I let the guys [er, ok. this is hypothetically speaking] do all the work. is that weird? or are some other women like that? Like, when we're being intimate, I wouldn't do a whole lot.
don't get me wrong, politeness is a turn on. and don't wander anywhere you're not wanted, intimately. But don't be so polite you hold back.
For me, there's a difference between hanging out and being 'with' someone. Although 'with' could mean hanging out with or being intimate. with.
I want someone who's respectful and sweet and polite. But also......when we're intimate ,fiery and passionate and wild. That's about the only time I'd describe myself as 'wild', is when I'm intimate.
A friend of mine commented on my backround, stating it reminded her of the 'wild' part of me. me, wild? um, no.
Again, I realise, as Zeppelin put it 'you know sometimes words have 2 meanings'.
'Wild' is someone w/ piercings, motorcycles. who goes to raves, parties usually involving alcohol, shoots up and......is reckless. and whatnot. James Dean. well ok sortof.
that's not me.
y'know, someone like that but who's actually sweet.
wait........I had [ok, as James put it, well, I didn't 'have' him. lol] someone like that. a few years ago.
but just because he hurt me [my ex, that is] doesn't mean I still don't want it........a,ccording to my sex drive.
i'd forgotten my original point'
'25th
So, yesterday Jordan shoots me a message stating he has to cancel, as he's tired.
Which is fine. I mean, honestly. I wasn't all that excited about getting together.
And here's why; he doesn't get my sense of humour. On, uh....Thursday I think it was, I told a story to him about something Phil had said. The story was meant to be funny.
And Jordan dissected it. I mean, really.
And as usual I'm being vague on purpose. that's, really. bout as much detail as I'm willing to go into.
So he sent me another message, telling me he didn't get a response from me [bc I was wondering how in the hell to reply to him]. I apologised, told him stuff happens, I get that. And that I had plans tomorrow, so.
But, I mean it's not exactly polite to straightup tell someone 'yeah....I don't think this is gonna work out as you frustrate the living hell out of me because you don't get me'.
I do actually have plans tomorrow.
But, as said. Apparently, if you can't make me laugh it's an automatic turnoff.
On the other side of that, I should be flattered the guy's interested, as not too many are. And the ones who are it's usually for sex. Or they can't hold a conversation, so.'
'26th
......fukin class.
So, this happened yesterday afternoon after the show.
Backtracking; my mom, Carol [dad's mom] and I'd gone to PHAMALY's production of 'Beauty & The Beast'. It was. so good.
After the show, my mom was pushing Carol uphill [the auditorium was down a slanted floor] in a wheelchair, and to the people in front of her she went 'move'.
I mean, wow. I love my mom but she has no class. at all. That's just rude.
So to the men that were standing there I went 'sorry, excuse me, thank you'.
Frankly. being ladylike is overrated. as is being charming.
I shouldn't've had had to do that. My mom should just.....know that, if someone's in your way, 'excuse me'. or if you want to ask them something, same thing.
I shouldn't have to apologise for her being rude.'
'so, this occured about a week ago.
My dad brought a suitcase for me to have at the bottom of the stairs where my trash was. [I'd talked to my mom about this; I explained to her that I didn't take out the trash right away, as I liked that area being full].
She said he brought it because 'he knows I like family heirlooms'.
And I do. I love history and stories and meaningful things.
It's just.........so. ug. big and masculine. I mean, not just physically. [The suitcase resembles a carpet bag. It was my dad's grandfather's]. The energy of it.
Like. I'm being subconsciously reminded that men once had the power.
it's a man's world.....it would mean nothin, without a woman or a girl
But that's not how I see it at all. no I mean of course not. I see it as, ok, well, because my dad has Asperger's he can't socially interact. He doesn't know how to emotionally connect with me. And he hasn't for the last......however many years.
The physical things he gives me are his way of doing that.
No.'
'I. I need to write about it.
I'm sprawled here on my living room floor at 6:15 a.m. scared. Thinking, reasoning with myself. 'honestly. worst that can happen?'.
ok.
I'm not going to allow for notes because. I just. want it to be out there. That I almost did something that I'm terribly ashamed of and I'm not perfect and people make mistakes and.........ok.
ok.
This happened last week [god what didn't happen last week? lol]. It was 1 in the morning. I phoned this guy. told him we weren't having sex. "well obviously but what else are......?".
Yeah. I know. I never almost just hook up.
I've never slept around. That's not me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for disappointing whoever I have thus far.
maybe I'm overreacting [wow. look who's talkin] but.......scares the hell out of me. Just because a woman says 'no' doesn't mean a guy won't try.
no because that's sexual assault.
We never met up.
It's about damn time someone noticed I'm hot. damn time.
but that doesn't mean I have to have sex.
if.......if I did.......I don't even know who'd've gone with me to the doctor's.........
now he's off fukin some other girl. i hope to god she does the right thing. Yes I don't know her.
Hell I don't know a friend of a friend's, either. but that doesn't stop me from wishing her the best.
I don't want to talk about it. I've said my piece. It's out there. It's written down.'
'27th
and so it continues, my sexism towards men.
ha, that sounds like a line from a novel.
So apparently, because I'm "gorgeous", as one guy put it, it's assumed that:
1; you can hit on me
and
B; I get by on my looks
The guy who made that assumption.......he had no fukin right. at all. As said, I've never slept around. I've never been one of 'those girls'.
you know the type. you know exactly the type.
He made it pretty damn clear he was after me for one thing and one thing only.
and I made it clear where I stand.
I've not contacted him since.
now we all make assumptions, snap judgements..........
If you hit on me you don't have a snowball's chance in hell
and, I'd never use my looks to my advantage.
This is the exact reason I am sexist towards men! [yes. again].
and yet I'm torn between wanting to help the other girls these guys may or may not have sex with........and protecting me
As usual. If I've been vague here it's on purpose.'
'It's 6:45 a.m.
I'm realising how much I love the feeling of mornings. the shadows on my blinds......the thin gold sun on the floor.
I love that feeling, the official start of morning, as I refer to it. When breakfast is being made and stores are being opened usually at 9.
I'm not a morning person by any means. Clearly, having been up since 9 last night.
It feels......open, sunlight. The O'Keefe paintings, of the flowers. I took a close up once, of a orange hibiscus. lusting.
That's what I mean by 'open' that......that physical image of lust.
or maybe I'm seeing it differently. could be my sex drive.
Or that it's 'my' time. Becuase I'm a Leo, I've always thought of the end of July to the middle of August as being 'my' time. It's more......evident, than any other time of year.
The sunlight makes the flowers grow. and I used to walk around Cherry Creek gathering energy from the plants at twilight. The thin grass furled not furled, um. curved - to the ground.
again. that image.
yesterday, I think it was, I watched the 'zebra stripes' on my black pants. the sunlight zebra stripes. They were white. The stripes the sun made on my pants didn't match up with the ones on the floor. like when a straw bends.
I had a dream about Jeff, from my elementary school. it was. odd. he and his mom were always really nice. his mom's great....from what I recall.
In the dream was the gray wood fence in front of the house where his grandparents lived. i don't know if they still do.'
'.........that was left on my entry about my mom not having class. since I evidently can't reply the way you normally would.
Everyone was exiting the theater at once, so it was a bit crowded. I don't think the guys that were in front of my grandmother were doing that intentionally, out of spite. not paying attention. Really whose that spiteful?
I'd think pushing a wheelchair uphill would be difficult.
Now that I think about it, I can see that side of it.
The point of that entry was that my mom's rude.'
'yes. this again.
It's that I won't. I mean, as said........a guy can get a girl pregnant. But the other way around doesn't work.
I don't know that some guys really get the reason/s why girls won't have sex. For me, it's risk of STDs/pregnancy. oh and not being in a commited relationship.
Obviously my sex drive is telling me differently.
When I really think about the actual act of sex and the repercussions and whatnot [thank you Kate] then. yeah. that's a reason for me not to have sex.
However. I don't consider myself a virgin. It doesn't matter how I lost my virginity just that I. unfortunately did in that.....way.
I'm not that sexually experienced. well being I don't date and the aforementioned commited relationship thing it's not surprising. And even with one of my ex's we didn't have sex.'
'28th
damn sex drive.
So about 20 minutes ago Phil left. He got to my place between 5 and 6 p.m. last night. It was nice. We hung out, talked. I showed him some of my travel photos.
For now we're just friends. And being that we're only just getting to know each other, I don't want to push him.
The last person I was intimate with was Shawn and that was some time last week I. think.
I phoned Jordan, left a message. asking when he's available to get together, see where it goes......which obviously means I'm hoping it'll go somewhere.
I FBed Ru.
But, really. I'm becoming frustrated w/ the lack of intimacy.
Jordan's not a bad guy; he just doesn't get me.'
'29th
Hey yall,
So, I need help with a few things.
Whenever I restart my computer the icons on my desktop automatically rearrange themselves vertically, which I don't like. How do I fix this so that the icons remain as they were?
Is there any way to unlock a document?
And the URL bar at the top of the page has disappeared. I've gone to the View menu and clicked on the 'address bar', but that doesn't seem to do anything. What else can I do so that it shows up?
Thanks! '
'and yet it does.
So we all know by now that I don't want sex. er. won't have it, rather.
And, when Shawn was at my place, all we did was....cuddled and made out. and that's fine.
Once I get to know someone and they want to be intimate I'd hope I'd be comfortable enough with them to let them know when they're doing something I don't like.
There's only one place their hands aren't allowed. and I'll leave it at that.
But, because I won't have sex.......I'm wondering if the person I'm intimate with, in the time we don't hang out, they're having sex with someone else.
It "shouldn't" bother me......I want to be the person's 'one and only'. but, then again. doesn't everyone?
well yes.
sigh.
I guess this is the problem with flings/one night stands. not that I've ever had the latter, since that pretty much means there's going to be sex and, as said.'
'....die?
In the States. people put too much emphasis on work. I know, the people I meet and have met and will. meet, often wonder what I do, job-wise. As though that's the only interesting thing about me.
I may lead a boring life but by no means am I a boring person.
Most, say they're afraid to die. And yet what they don't realise is by working a standard 9 - 5, 20, 40 years they're. basically rushing to their death.
They get up, get ready, go to work come home have dinner, and do it all over again the next day. And the next. and. the next.
They're late for work so they rush to get there which could, potentially, cause an early death. It isn't very likely this'll happen; the operative word being 'could'.
Maybe they're not so afraid of death after all, with the way they keep rushing.
And people. never. stop. they say they never have time for themselves.
That's all I have.
The idea of having a job just seems so.......narrow and limiting.
I'm not limited by having to do work for someone else.
Even in England, at a certain time every day, they stop and have their tea service. The English are known for their tea.
We don't have that here.
They do that in Japan as well. The entire point of tea, the whole......concept of it I feel, is to get you to slow down. same with warm foods. Hot chocolate. and whatnot.'
'while being high.......i see people's tiny heads in the tree rings of my wooden bathroom door. rings. um. ovals.
I just had an epiphany about this........it makes sense I'd see this. As hundreds of people walk by trees every day. and.....since trees give off energy and collect their energy those of the people......and I'm so damn perceptive.
yeah. of course I'd see this.
i see what the trees have, in a way. i'm indirectly connected to those people through the trees used to make the doors.
wow
3:10 a.m. '
'30th
Alrite hear me out. Er. rather. Read me, as it were.
People don't just arbitrarily murder others. There has to be a reason, just as there is for everything. For instance, someone might decide to go to the store, as they're hungry. Yes that's not a deep psychological reason but it is a reason.
Whenever someone's murdered someone always feels bad for the family, which. i get. But I'm more interested in the why. It's not, 'oh the world's overpopulated so I'll go and murder someone'.
You can disagree but I strongly stand by my 'everything happens for a reason' statement.
and that's. really all I have to say on that subject.'
'....that you can't tell if they're being nice to you because they're nice to everyone or if it's because they have feelings for you.
I'm not all that happy and I don't like people but I'm nice. and evidently if I have feelings for someone I have no problem letting t hem know.
Also, after spending enough time w/ a guy, if he's nice to me I will start to fall for him. For instance, Michael. damnit. Hey....least I don't fall for the 'wrong' kindof guy.
and it so happens I fall for people pretty damn quickly.'
'31st
.......them intriguing.
'chicks'. you know you've been spending too much time with guys when you start referring to women as 'chicks' lol. hey Lady Gaga did it.
The women, that is. Although some guys are also intriguing.
I'm just not atttracted to 'bigger' women. First off, they take up too much space. although that's one of my issues with people in general. I look at them and either think 'thank god I'm not......' or 'I could never be that.....' er. weight, to be polite about it. also, some of them are slow. Which, again. is an issue I have with people in general.
I will say that both Beyonce and Mariah Carey are absolutely gorgeous. and hot.
I'm thin [yes we know. and i've covered this how many times now?] but I have curves. In the. well. you know. right areas. One being which I really like.
well, honestly. it's better for a woman to like....them, then hate them.
[I'm referring to my chest area].
A lot of women don't have that confidence. It's not like I go about objectifying myself but. you know.
Is it possible for a thin woman to have curves?
I have a good figure. well I better being that I took dance for 10 years and I walk everywhere.
I just dress so um. modestly you don't get to see it.
so, getting back to my point..........oh, right. skinny chicks.
It's not so much about the physical as it is the emotional. When I see a thin woman I'm likely to think she has an eating disorder and I want to help her.
'Course, larger women could have this too but I really can't relate since. I'm, not.
And when guys are bigger it's either rather endearing or intimidating. They just look so huggable! You know, the teddy bear types. I've never heard a woman describe herself as such.
I can see how, physically. or if you're being intimate it's not as appealing.'
'regarding my last entry.
I'm sorry, I hadn't meant to offend anyone. I was just stating my opinion, which I'm entitled to. not that I ever mean to offend anyone and now that I have, the apology doesn't mean anything.
Also, about the whole 'guys don't like skinny chicks' thing....that's just what I've heard.
But, again. I'm pretty open on here. so.'
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