OKAY I DIDN’T MEAN TO LEAVE FOR A YEAR AND HALF I’M SORRY
i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i can barely bring myself to write. i think about it every few days, and even make plans to sit down and do so, but something always stops me. am i afraid of reflecting on my own thoughts? am i afraid i have nothing important to say anymore?
i am 30 now, and i have never felt so old and immature. i think about having babies. i think about how i am way too unqualified for pretty much everything. motherhood is like a looming inevitable thing that i fear i’ll never reach, and i want it desperately and i’m terrified of wanting it. i didn’t spend a lot of my time growing up thinking about being a mother, and spent most of my teenage years not wanting children at all. maybe the biological clock is real and mine is on fire. maybe it’s just being married to someone i love. the sad truth is that i cannot afford a baby and probably won’t be able to for a long, long time.
i applied to transfer positions within CPS nearly 3 months ago. i applied on a whim for a position that’s fairly competitive and really didn’t think i would get it, but they offered me the job the day after my interview. i’m currently in my first week of training. i get to work from HOME. i don’t have to go to houses and deal with angry parents, or go to court and pretend i know what i’m doing. i don’t have to listen to small children make sexual abuse disclosures. i don’t have to take children to the hospital to have their injuries looked over. i will miss my coworkers in the office but hope to still try to stay close to them. i think for my own sanity, i needed some sort of change.
i found a new therapist about a month or two ago and i am so much happier! i stuck with the same therapist for nearly a year because she was nice and i didn’t know what to do even though i knew it wasn’t working, and finally after several weeks of her not trying to reschedule a cancelled session, i just didn’t even attempt to schedule a new one and…ghosted? kinda?
i started reading “adult children of emotionally immature parents” because i have learned that both of my parents were/are very emotionally immature, just in very different ways. my dad was emotionally absent and incapable of showing/experiencing emotions with me or for me. my mother is very dramatic and self-involved. i have found myself distancing myself from her, not really on purpose, because her actions just frustrate me. she is constantly choosing the happiness of her boyfriend, who has caused nothing but pain and discomfort for everyone in the family for over a decade, over her own family. she treats my sister much worse than me. my sister will call her multiple times throughout the day and never get a response until the next day - and this is all because my mom’s boyfriend does not like my mom talking on the phone “too often.” my sister and i are both long-distance from her and she has grandchildren she does not see often in person, so of course she’s going to speak on the phone often?!!?!?!
a vicious, feral part of me wishes death upon him. i hope he has another heart attack and doesn’t survive this time. i hope he withers away into nothingness. the rational, kinder part of me barely feels guilt for these feelings. at best, i want him to walk away and stop threatening to burn my mother’s house down when he gets angry. at worst, i picture myself burning the house down with him inside and watching it happen.
i do love my mother, of course. i guess i shouldn’t feel obligated to say so. maybe it’s my medication switching recently that has made me angrier, quicker to react, less forgiving. i don’t really know. i just know that i used to speak to her daily, or every other day, and now we speak maybe twice a week.
she does not call me. ever.
otherwise, i feel that life is okay. neal is my life line and my person, and i am having a hard time being away from him this week while i am away for training. i sometimes worry about our relationship ending, for whatever reason, and how i will react. like if he dies or decides to leave me. i tend to worry about things like that - my worst fears coming alive and how i will survive, if i even will. i have always survived everything in the past - grief-stricken moments, break-ups, car accidents, traumatic experiences. and yet i always wonder what the breaking point will be. what’s gonna do me in? will it be something simple?
taylor swift’s new album about a decade long situationship with matty healy has me REELING with old feelings. old eric feelings. it’s insane how a situationship/made up relationship in my head can still affect me even though i haven’t seen or spoken to him in probably 4-5 years. it doesn’t help that i’ve been scouring my old journals, trying to find a pattern, trying to find what my goddamn PROBLEM has been for years and years. i’ve pinpointed that my feelings of poignant sadness, suicidal ideation, and hopelessness started when i was 12, which is something i already knew - but i still can’t pinpoint where it came from. i began journaling around age 9, and for a few years the only entries to be seen are silly little pages about grade-school happenings - little fights with friends, what i got for christmas, band concerts and what i wanted to do that summer. and then one day i wrote that i wanted to die. my parent’s tumultuous relationship and divorce was a big part of it, but there has to be more. what the fuck happened to me?
more later.
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