Thankfully in 2017

Thanksgiving has come and gone. And in true fashion with other big dates, the anticipation of the holiday was much worse than the day itself. Im not always sure why the cloud of dread looms overhead sometimes…but a holiday sadness makes sense. My cousins 2 month old was there. Another cousin’s wife is 6 months along. Events I would normally be super excited about. And its not that I’m not happy for them. Its just complicated.

I found myself hanging around in rooms with smaller groups of people. We had about 25 total, and pre-loss me loved social gatherings. My dads side of the family is awesome. Post-loss me is Anxiety Girl. Crowds drain me. I definitely didnt mingle as much as normal. It was different, but not bad. At one point I even held Addison for a bit. Emotionally speaking, I felt very detached from emotion. However, I was sweating (???) and my best guess is it was a physiological stress response. Anyway. I think this exposure will maybe some day let me be normal around babies. And pregnant people. Both things are kind of important if I plan to follow this doula career path someday.