Just Like Shoes in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

“And as a personal favor… I want you to go rape a turtle.”
The weird things that pop into my head when I just let my mind wander!!

I don’t know how best to format this entry. I have a story, an excuse, and a request. I think I’ll frame it that way. Any of you writers/editors… feel free to suggest a better way of doing it.

(1) STORY
This may be familiar to people who read me consistently. Because this is one of those Fall Back stories I use to describe myself because (a) I don’t know what it means, (b) I don’t know why I’m like this, and (c) this kind of thing pops up all the time.

When I was younger, I used to work for a shoe store. It was in the Valley West Mall and it was called “Overland Trading Company.” I was an employee there for a few years until they wanted to open a store in this fancy new Town Center that was going to be built. I did not ask or volunteer to be a manager. My long-time manager asked to be Manager and I offered to help her build the store. The opening of the Jordan Creek Town Center was expected to be one of the biggest events in Iowa that year and I knew she would need the help. While it was the same shoe company, this store would be called “Steve’s Shoes.” I had nothing to do with the hiring. The full time staffing was as follows: Manager, me (on temporary assignment), Ex Convict, Teenager. We had two part time workers who kind of floated whenever they had availability. So already… there is a significant issue. According to store policy, a Keyholder had to be over 18 years of age and free of criminal convictions for 1 year. SO… Manager and I were the only ones with keys. Jordan Creek Town Center was to open on August 4, 2004. I was to return to college on August 19, 2004. The manager fell off a ladder at work and had to take worker’s comp on August 1, 2004. SO… August 4, 5, 6, 7, 8… I was the only key holder. I had to open the store in the morning (working or not) and close the store at night (working or not). Monday the 8th rolls around and I phone Corporate Management. I tell them they need to hire an Assistant Manager because (1) I am not a manager, I’m an associate and (2) I needed to leave the city in 2 weeks with no intention of returning. Corporate assured me something would be done. 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14… still nothing. Not a peep. I called the Manager and tried to get her to help. I repeatedly called Regional and Corporate. I told them, clearly and in plain English, “On August 19, I am leaving. Do whatever you want to with that information.”

15, 16, 17, 18… NOTHING. The night of the 18th, I called everybody again. I said, “I’ll be here to open the store tomorrow… then I have to leave. My car is already PACKED. My tuition is already PAID. I am going back to college TOMORROW. You need to figure out what you are going to do!”

The morning of the 19th, I arrive to open the store. Nobody else is staffed. The assholes didn’t even staff an AM Associate to at least watch the fucking store. So, I sat in that store. An hour before opening. NOT on the schedule to run opening so NOT going to run the computers/shoes/cash registers through. And I knew I had to do the most aggressively intentionally dickish thing that I had done since Aku. I couldn’t just sit in the store all day hoping someone would come and relieve me or hoping someone would come and be the next keyholder. I had responsibilities and obligations at another location and I needed to get there. But… I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to NOT be responsible. To NOT stay and get used by these assholes. So I called my sister in law. A lot. I called her probably three or four times that morning. Basically… looking for permission, forgiveness, courage, strength. Looking for someone else to let me know “It is okay to stand up for yourself here. If they aren’t going to be responsible, it isn’t YOUR fault. You gave them ample warning. They should have known by their computers that you were an Associate and listed as a Keyholding Manager. They didn’t act responsibly, it doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself.” I called her three times that morning. Talked to her for probably about 3 hours. And then… at NOON… when still no official Key Holder had shown up. I left. I gave the key to one of the part timers who was upset and flabbergasted. I just told him… “Someone should be coming for that at some point. If nobody does… call this phone number and ask them how to close up.” Then I left. And while I knew it was the right thing to do, it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. I knew I had to get back to school. I had an academic obligation THAT NIGHT and then a semester to follow.

(Funny Story, though not funny… the Fall 2004 semester? The one that started the day of all of this? That was when I got diagnosed with Fibromyaglia. The semester started with this story, then I found it harder and harder to get out of bed, I was in more and more pain, and then I just… stopped going to class… for two months.)

(2) EXCUSE

So, it is lame… but here is my excuse. I am an attorney. I am an attorney with a Certificate of Specialization in Litigation. So that means I am an advocate. It is my job and my training to use the evidence available and my words to convince others of a specific view point. This creates three unique issues. FIRST It often leaves me unsure of things because I don’t know which option is the best or correct option. If I can successfully advocate for either side of a decision, than I am uncertain of which decision is appropriate. SECOND It means that if I strongly believe in one side, I doubt if that is the appropriate choice. Like… do I want salad or ice cream. I want ice cream. It isn’t the right choice, it isn’t the healthy choice, but it is the choice I make because I don’t want to advocate for myself to myself. I don’t want to have to argue the evidentiary reasons why salad is the appropriate choice. I just want to grab something, leave, and be in some way happy with my choice. THIRD If other people strongly believe in something… and it is something I’ve talked about a lot… can I really trust their perspective? If I am an advocate, and I run around advocating for (silly example) the abolishment of Mint Cherry Pizza Toppings, and everyone else agrees with me that Mint Cherry Pizza Toppings are awful and have to go.... I don’t know and I can’t trust… that may just be because I was able to successfully advocate for a particular side. I don’t know, objectively, if people honestly believe Mint Cherry Pizza Topping is wrong or if they just agree with my arguments.

(3) REQUEST

Which is why I keep coming here about this shit. I’ve used Prosebox to vent about the shittier parts of my situation all year. So you’re all a fairly “tainted” pool of people. But at the same time… even if something IS the right thing to do… I need to be talked into it, argued into it, convinced of it. So it is a tough spot to be in, albeit by my own psychological making.

I received ANOTHER request to interview. The Attorney General’s Office Division of Consumer Advocacy. Full time government job in Des Moines. They ALSO want to interview me next Thursday. So… that day will be full of sneaking around the bosses… but at least it works out. On my calendar it says “9am Sensitive Personal Matter; 4pm Meeting with Office of Consumer Advocacy” so I can always suggest that it has something to do with a personal matter involving business. Or something. But… considering I’m sneaking around about this… considering I’m “leaving work” in order to “try to jump ship”… I guess… I need permission again. I need forgiveness for doing this. And you’d better believe if I felt that I owed a faceless company that screwed me back in my youth; I’m suffering those feelings right now to a firm of two people. It is a weird place to be. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do. I know that finding a job that pays better and provides health insurance is important to me. I know that finding a job that doesn’t surprise me with unpaid 18 hour shifts on a weekend is important to me. I know that finding a job with a relatively stable schedule is important to me. But I don’t know if going after what is important to me is the right thing to do. I don’t know if interviewing at these two locations is the right thing to do. And what is worse… what really kind of boils my britches… is that these are just INTERVIEWs. I’m not even talking about taking a job. Which, again, is a much different experience. I’m not looking at either of these interviews as a job OFFER yet. I’m just having these feelings because of the INTERVIEWS. And because my bosses made such a big deal out of telling me it was wrong to take time out of work. And I know they’re assholes about that. I know that a logical response to that is to tell them to fuck off. But… if the cultural (firm culture) response is that it is wrong… it is really hard for me to break that. Hell, accepting and embracing cultural norms and expectations is what is keeping me balanced most of the time. If I didn’t have these emotional hang ups about that shit, I’d either be a serial killer or a sex pervert by now. So… I suppose that is my request. To give me permission. To let me know if it is okay to do this. It sounds so weak to say that but… I honestly do think that it is what I need.