The day after Thanksgiving. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

How was my Thanksgiving?
Hmmm. It was alright, I guess? I had tacos.
I love tacos.

My dad and Kari were going to Kari’s family for Thanksgiving, and I don’t have any real problems with those people or anything, but I don’t know them very well…and they have heard all sorts of crazy stories about me, because I’m crazy, so there’s always this super weird tension when I see them where no one really wants me there, but no one is really against me being there, so I’m just kind of there.

I’d way rather just be by myself than just kind of somewhere.

So I decided not to go to that, and Brittany’s family was in San Diego doing shit with a part of the family that she kind of feels the same way about as I do about my family, and since Brittany and I already had an early Thanksgiving with her family last Saturday, we just kind of decided that everyone could fuck off and we were going to do our own thing.

The only difficult part about this is that we were getting hungry and absolutely nowhere was open, we seriously went to so many places and googled so many things and even though Google said some places would be open, they weren’t…and we finally found a Del Taco that was open, so we got like $20 worth of “food” and took it back to her place and ate that shit and watched the 5th Harry Potter movie…I think it was The Order Of the Phoenix, but I don’t know Harry Potter that well.

It was a pretty cool movie though.

After the movie was over we took a little night walk and I smoked some weed and then we just kind of hung around the house watching youtube videos and talking about our dumb life’s.

I didn’t drink at all yesterday, I didn’t even vape.

Today, I got off work and I immediately needed to drink…and then I dug out the vape and started to vape again.

I dunno, it was like yesterday was too much…being totally sober and totally aware and feeling all of the things that I’ve been feeling lately.

Wednesday night I had some massive breakdown…I just cried and cried and cried for like two hours, and my dad and Kari were really cool about it and just listened and talked to me. I was pretty drunk, and I just kept going.

Finally my friend Deanne came and got me and we went to this Dope ass arcade/bar in the are, but even Deanne was kind of like “What the fuck?” because apparently in an hour I had two beers, a cocktail, and a shot of tequila.

I didn’t realize I was drinking that fast, I had already had like a 40 and a bottle of wine.

Everything has just been hitting me so fucking hard lately, and if I wasn’t medicated I can tell that I’d be manic as fuck right now, so physically I can kind of handle anything right now, it seriously makes you bullet-proof…I mean, like…if you’re manic a bullet will still rip a hole through you, you just won’t give a fuck…it just won’t stop you.

That’s why I’m drinking right now…because fuck it, I’m bullet-proof.

haha…yeah.
yeah right.
no way.
no fucking way.

Let’s see…how’s OKCupid going?
That’s a good question.

It’s not going? I guess that’s the best answer I can give you right now.

I have sent out a pretty good amount of messages and I haven’t received anything back, so there’s that.

Brittany just signed up for Match.com.
I’m excited to see how that turns out for her.

The truth of the matter is that I’m not actually in any position to be getting into a relationship right now, I’m broke and I have a shitty job and I live with my dad and I just drink all the time and slack off and think “poor me”.

That’s it.
That’s all I do.

I always think I’m going to have better things to write about, but I almost never do.

“Breath
echoing the sound
time starts slowing down
sink until I drown
I don’t ever want to make it stop

…and it keeps repeating…
…will you please complete me?

Never be enough to fill me up.

Watch the white turn to red
it fills up the hole, but it grows somewhere else instead…all my life…yeah yeah yeah yeah, but it just left me dead.
The world is over, and I realized it was all in my head.
Now everything is clear
I erase the fear
I can disappear
please…
…I don’t ever want to make it stop.”

I love you

-Dane