November 20, 2017 in My Story

I often put off writing things because I can’t think of ways to start it. I have decided to just start and let what comes out, come out! There really is not a rhyme or reason to this, and I can figure that out some other time. For now, I am just writing what comes to my mind as I listen to my music on my headphones, because my sweet husband is in the other room napping at the moment.

A real urge for me is to go back in my life and to write all that happened that got me to where I am now, and I am going to do it the opposite. I am less and less interested in why I became the “big” girl that I became than what I am doing now to change that. Not only physically, but mentally as well. Yes, my past journey got me here, but that is no longer going to be me. As I go along, I am sure past stories will come out.

I am not sure the exact date I concluded that something had to change with me and my weight, but I remember the reason. I was sitting in the orthopedic surgeons’ office getting a consult for total knee replacement because I have such bad knees, walking and moving are almost impossible. I remember going in with some hope. I am not sure what I was hoping for because knee replacements are not an easy thing either. Nonetheless, I remember the wave of sadness and defeat I felt when the surgeon said that I had too high of a BMI to even be considered for it; and she handed me a brochure for Bariatric Surgery options.

That day I started thinking about what choices I had. I was to the point where I was already on disability because even a desk job couldn’t be done. I had diabetes, high blood pressure, edema (legs would balloon 3 times the size if I didn’t have them up constantly), gout, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, mobility issues, two kinds of arthritis, digestive issues, not to mention depression! It was a never-ending cycle. I couldn’t move to help lose weight, and it got me sadder, making me eat. And even when I wasn’t sad, just eating without much movement just made me grow larger. Vicious cycle!

I started going shopping with people and having to use a store scooter, and that was if I even could leave the house. Sometimes my arthritis or gout would be the factor that made that decision for me! There were many days that the couch or bed was my friend and I would wait out gout attack or the ailment that made me unable to be a part of society. My husband would (and still does until I get stronger yet) have to carry any and all bags from the store up the steps because I was lucky if I could even make it up a flight with just myself! When is enough really enough?

When I was given that brochure, I didn’t even think about it and put it aside for a good month or so, but the thought remained in my mind. I didn’t tell my family or friends what I was even considering for months!! It was months down the road from that point that I even told my husband. I don’t know if it was from fear of more failure by myself, and not wanting to have them see me fail yet again, or it if was just something I had to work through myself before presenting it to my loved ones. I lean towards the failure part because I have always felt like a failure to those that love me. Always a disappointment to them in so many ways.

Honestly, everyone was SO supportive when I finally told them what I was thinking about. I had done a lot of research by the time I told them, so I could answer any questions they might have about the surgery. I guess I realized at that moment is that I might have let them down in some ways, but they loved me and just wanted me to be healthy and happy. I can’t even begin to state how awesome my support team is that I have in my family/friends! My sweet husband was and is my life-raft when I feel like I am drowning day-to-day! I couldn’t ask my Lord for a better mate! God gives him the tools, and Jason uses them from God to help me, and it is a perfect match!!! I don’t know how I will ever repay all those I love back for their love and support, but someday I will! I was and am still blown away by how much strength they have given me!