Feb. in The Wonderland Years: 2011: entries, 1/2 done
- Feb. 2, 2014, 2:07 a.m.
- |
- Public
'2nd
so I was just watching tv as usual and apparently in CA there's this place called Cafe Gratitude. They have vegan food and cards to read and. get this. a question of the day. and art.
I so want to go there now. It's totally my kindof place.
I love cafes. that's actually one of my favorite words I just literally-recently decided.
Leela's, which I've mentioned before, is a cafe/bar. they have musicians come in and a piano and surf boards on the ceiling.....and wall art. on their menu is Van Gogh's cafe print and right when you come in to your left there's a huge wall mural of it. there's a Degas print and the one of the black cat w/ the French writing next to it......don't remember what it's called. oh and black leather couches.
yeah def. check it out if you're ever visiting Denver. or even if you live here and have never been.
I've only been here once, the Alley Cat up in the mountains. their ceiling tiles are done by customers and they have uh. board games and.....they used to have a notebook you could pass around and write anything in. it's totally me. very '60's very hippie.........Hendrix, Leonard Cohen. creative and artful and open and original. i love places like that.
another place I want to go, besides Seattle, San Francisco and Jamaica, is the Sinatra restuarant in Vegas. there'r a few places I'd like to re-visit.......Ireland and Paris since I'll be re-visiting London this summer. and going up to Denmark w/ my mom. I hear there are friendly/happy people and I want to see The Little Mermaid statue......back before she moved my grandmother [dad's mom] had a mini one of those.
Winter of my senior year of high school my mom and I went to London. other than getting sick from their mashed potatos [and then I didn't/wouldn't eat them for about 2 years] it was nice. friendly people. it's incredible. Ireland is so mystical and beautiful. the people are just lovely. Paris was beautiful as well. charming. We [mom and i] couldn't find Van Gogh's house which we passed by 2 times lol.
those are really the only places I want to go. oh and Disney[World] that's always fun. I've just always traveled. well i mean not by myself.....but it's how I grew up. I don't find it all that surprising as I'm so used to it. I'm always surprised when I hear others haven't.
Y'know.......if I had a cafe I'd name it Love. and then everyone would say 'let's go to Love'. I'd play Tori Amos and do card readings..........and. sell my muffins and cookies. yum. oooh and Kate could sell her coffee cake! but that's for Christmas only.........so it's special. lol awwww.
well. she could sell her fabulous desserts then.
and.....if I had cats I'd name them Pablo [after the artist and the poet] and Bella. and if I lived in Paris I'd either own or work in a bookstore and have a cat named Lulu. because it's fitting.........Ireland, a writer in a white cottage by the sea and/or on the Cliffs Of Moher.
or a lighthouse i love them i've sortof always wanted a gray shorthaired cat named Ruby like the one in Girl, Interrupted. well that's not the only reason she'll benamed Ruby.
other than traveling none of these things are actually happening......but, y'know. it's nice to think.
y'know - i'm kindof getting off topic here - yesterday I got coffee cake from Starbucks, blueberry. it wasn't as crunchy as Kate's or as warm. actually it wasn't warm at all.
yeah........yeah..........i'm a 1940's classy hippie
*oh i also want to go to Carnival. and apparently there's an elephant parade in India. i'd love to see that I love elephants. '
'really cool.
I was just watching the beginning of tonight's CSI. Deaf people were at a party, signing to each other. not making a sound. it was so cool!
I don't know much sign language only a few words. 'hi', 'you', 'world', 'friendship' and 'i love you'. I also know the letter 'c'. I'd like to learn more as it's always intrigued me.
Even if you're not deaf/don't know sign language and someone's talking in another language you can sometimes tell what they're talking about, how they're doing. If they're laughing, gesturing a lot then they're either having a good time/really excited or angry. Their body language says a lot too. If you need someone to hold on you can hold up your index finger and they know to hold on. If someone crosses their arms they're either angry or cold. Some things like this aren't universal, however. What we in the States find mundane others would consider offensive. See I talk with my hands because I'm a visual thinker. I cannot for the life of me tell you what it is I'm talking about but I can describe it for you untill you get it. Unless I see the word for what I'm talking about then read it and say it. I'll sometimes make the shape of whatever it is.........though.......I'm not sure how helpful that is for the other person.
There are a few aspects involved in watching a performance. The music, whoever's performing, the dancing, how they're feeling.
I'm also a lip reader........so if I'm looking at your lips while we're talking it's not because I want to kiss you. well i might depending on who you are. And when I read lips I somehow hear the person better.'
5th**
Well, there isn't much. She has a dogwalker now since she [kate/my sister] is out on Tuesdays from 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. She called Mom [yeah.....of course she did] all upset because she was worried about Brewster [her dog] being in her place all day. well according to Mom dogs sleep a lot of the day so it really doesn't matter. but i get that.
She met the dogwalker [Ben] at the park the same day she phoned Mom. apparently it's hard to find someone in the city who'll walk your dog only once a week. she's paying him $20.
and that's it.
oh. yeah. she's now 21 has been since Jan. 22nd. I mailed her a Pooh card which she liked.......it made her laugh. awww yay.
*over the holidays she was reading Upton Sinclair's The Jungle. Her next book is Love In The Time Of Cholera. and she doesn't read a lot
*She used to like magazines but now doesn't because she says the ads/products make her feel bad. Well yeah I get that. I read magazines for the pretty pictures and sometimes the articles. Or recipes.......or helpful tips. They're good for collages.'
Here's what I did today.
Absolutely nothin.
Well I was going to go to see Chinese wall dancers at my grandmother's at 2. At 11 my dad phoned and said she wasn't feeling well but I could go with him. um. no. or Mom who didn't want to go.
So I slept untill 12, phoned Kate and Jennifer a girl I was friends with in high school. woke up at 1. um.........went back to sleep I guess. Kate phoned at 3, called her a few hours later and my friend Susie.
I also, was planning on going to Leela's/the movies with someone but he emailed and said because of the weather [it snowed here. again. oh good more snow just what weneed. actually we probably do] it wouldn't happen. emailed someone else who already had plans.
woke back up at 5:07. So then. I went to the store. in the snow. It actually wasn't that cold. well, relatively speaking. it wasn't the subzero temps we've had here lately. It was nice. quiet. shhhhhh don't disturb the snow/winter. It wasn't a music time. not because I, as everyone knows, don't love music. because you don't want anyone to disturb it. I felt like I was in Narnia. I got a few good photos. well someone "has" to take photos of the snow. My camera had trouble focusing.
And then it started snowing again and I really felt like I was in Narnia.
nothing spectacular happened at the store. I bought VitaminWater, yogurt and InStyle. wanted/needed change for Monday when I'm going to Starbucks. when it'll be cold, again. oh good more cold just what we need. On the way to the store I was waiting to cross the street when a nice blonde woman's car sort of collided into the curb. She beeped, startling me. as people often do. I wasn't sure what she wanted.......turns out she didn't want to spray me w/ the snow. well i didn't want her to either. I mean it wouldn't've been the worst thing...just something I'd rather not happen. that was nice of her. I thanked her. So on the way back from the store [when it wasn't snowing. I'd opened up my umbrella then realising it wasn't snowing. no. of course not] I saw the cutest dog. He looked like an old English sheepdog but light brown. He was all happy running in front of his owners in the parking lot in the snow awww. dogs are usually happy. and they like snow. Oh don't worry the only cars in the lot were the parked ones. The lady had yellow rainboots on which I liked. i love yellow. oh and clothes lol as did the guy.
There's something romantic about snow........
came back, tried to watch Shrek 3 but the tv channel was being weird. so now I'm watching City Slickers which I don't find funny.
I was actually going to go to the store this morning but was asleep.
I think. [that] i made the best of today.'
'A, 'er', better entry than my last one. Meaning I'm not annoyed.
So I was just talking to my friend Susie who says I'm one of the few people she can talk to for hours. which is flatterng/nice. She's one of the coolest chicks I know.
I want people to feel comfortable around me. If you don't something's wrong. and I hope they do. I don't judge and never will I won't ever tell you how to live your life. that's just not my thing. [this is why i don't think i'd make a good mom. yes i'm loving but very bad at disciplining. another reason i'm not very good w/ kids]. If you do something I don't agree with then I'll try and help. There are certain things I don't like [frankness, for instance. inarticulation......ignorance. just to name a few] but that's just me. You know. Like.........one person might not like something someone else likes. but other than that I'm pretty cool.
It's nice to know people don't change. er........more like. It's nice to know that there'r people out there that you'll always like because they're friendly or sweet or cool or whatever.
so this was a pretty simple entry'
'7th
and driving. and Dad.
I'm in the habit of door-slamming. well ok not really 'slamming' but not closing doors softly. Except for one of the doors [i have double doors] to my room. But that's because one of my bookshelves is against one of the doors [they're side by side] so I have to be careful.
This is the first time I'm writing about this. It's not like, all that embarassing. just a, er, 'bad' habit. [and, much as I hate to admit it/i'm embarassed to, this is actually probably why my microwave door doesn't close all the way]
There'r a couple reasons for this:
1: my front door, even though I have a new lock for it, if you stick the key in the lock and pull the door forward and then try and lock it it doesn't lock all the way. You have to practially slam [well ok not really] the damn thing and then lock it to get it to lock all the way. And secondly. it has to do w/ my dad. He's one of those people who does things slowly. he even walks slowly! the man is slow as hell. well I'm sorry but he is that's not my fault. I can't stand slow people. as i've mentioned. er. I mean people who walks slowly. It's not so much the people themselves as the walking. I'm short [er. 5'4 idk if you['d] consider that short] and I walk 20% faster than most peope. I'm not usually in any hurry [and even if/when I am there'r worse things than waiting] I just. idinno. I guess a reason I do it is because I don't like it when people walk slowly [as just said] and so I try not to be what I don't like. I'm always surprised when people walk my speed. and forget to walk their speed when a friend and I are walking somewhere.
Now, if you're a senior citizen or there's some other extenuating circumstance I get it. but I don't like it.
So...........I guess 'slamming' doors is more efficient/less time consuming/quicker than not. If I didn't 'slam' them, well. that'd annoy me. That's the connection. Earlier today [half past midnight atm] I noticed some cars were going quicker than usual on the slick roads [it's been snowing a lot here lately] and some, slow. I understand why they're going slower and actually that's probably better but. again, I don't like it. Not that I want people crashing into each other.......oh no please don't. In the words of Marge Simpson "I don't want anyone to ever get hurt" '
'when it's cold I bake. i guess. as an observation.
So I baked chocolate chip cookies the other day. They came out the way they were supposed to. But not very good.
And then yesterday [wen it was cold, again] I baked sugar cookies. They came out the same as the other kind. They were actually good.
See, in the package they're stuck together. And those 2 kinds are smaller squares than the peanut butter so I wonder if that has something to do with it. Yesterday it occured to me that the more I bake cookies the better I'll get at it and after awhilt I won't have to think what time to set the oven for and how many I want and how long it'll take. Just like with microwaving and baking muffins. My muffins aren't great but they're not awful. I mean you know. it's something I know how to bake.
And, could be just me but I've found that if you grease the ...........dudes. [that's my mom's word for whenever she can't think of something] muffin pans with butter and then put the muffin mix in [for lemon poppyseed. haven't tried this w/ blueberry] they taste slightly different. Better. Or maybe that's just me. And/or...........could be the........uh.......like, power of suggestion. factor. The more you think something the more true it is.
I want to start baking more. As in, more foods. I have a few recipes. Well 2. One for vegetable quiche and one for a cheese broccoli thing. I've wanted to do this since last year, actually. I don't have a baking pan but they're on sale at the store so I'm thinking I'll get one this week. then i'll be more inclined to bake. I hope.
And, if my microwave happens to not work or I just want to bake.........then. i can. clearly. haven't gotten around to that but there's still time. '
'......really cool. well. i think it is.
Actually 2 things.
So my sister just called. She's interning at this art gallery up in Manhattan I think it's called the Al Johnson Art Gallery. His [Al's] wife Barbara [like Streissand] is really nice. And African-American. According to Kate she's like me because she's calm and spiritual but not religious. And we'd get along.
And. Barbara and Al took Kate to a drum circle. And they asked one of the guys why he was in it and why he liked percussion. He said......and here comes the cool part.........that he heard music. No, like really. He heard music in the trees and the way people walked and their voices. omygod! this dude totally gets it. He reminds me so much of that guy in August Rush. i loved that movie.
And..........!! Al's going to a special high school. As in, he's going to visit. I forgot the name of it. Where he's going to talk to the students about their experiences with bullying. And then. he's going to paint that. He's going to help them. That is so cool. and amazing. I've done a small bit of artwork on my experiences very small. ah that is so great........people helping people. i'm very excited about this
it's like, oh hey, let's try and help these people with art therapy.'
'8th
Well we all know why I'm single. availability/and because of my experiences w/ men. I still don't have a girlfriend. but, again. not trying very hard. But.........I don't have a deadline for this which is good.
Here's what I'm looking for a guy.
Well, not to sound shallow, but he has to be good looking. I've been with a guy who wasn't. i'm too nice to say anything about that. i mean that's not exactly something you tell someone. I like dark hair and glasses. You know, the cute geek who wears glasses. Taller than me but not that much taller. My sister's 5'9 and her ex Evan's 6 ft so between the 2 of them I'm aware of how short I am even though I'm not that short. I don't want him to be so good looking that he intimidates me.
He has to be a good kisser. I've been with someone who's not. and, again, i'm too nice to say anything about that.
Oh availability's good. Someone who's available most of the time. If he cooked that'd be nice since I don't. as for the sex drive. well. i don't want to jump into sex right away and I don't want that to be his way of solviing his problems. I've been w/ a guy like that........the same one who wasn't good looking.
Smoking I really don't care. Now I won't kiss a smoker.........
Personality. good listener, sweet. uh......honest but not to the point where it hurts. oh and funny.
I love cuddling. and kissing. and most terms of endearment. except for one which from my observations seems to be the most popular one. which i'm not posting because of how much i absolutely hate it. I won't date a guy with kids and i've gone over why.
Don't try and change me in any way.........in the words of Lesley Gore/Joan Jett.
If he wants to take me out/cook for me then great but I most certainly don't expect him too. I am not that high maintenance. I like the James Dean type.........y'know, edgy but actually really sweet. nonjudgemental. just a good person basically.
Same with women. I like smaller women, long hair. she can be curvy but not too curvy. I like brunettes/dark hair.
I've never dated/been with [not the same thing] anyone outside of my race. i don't object to it but i'm also not used to it.'
'by which I mean videogamer. That seems to be a big thing these days.
They were talking about games on The Today Show. They have this new LiteBrite thing. where you have a magic wand and the little flower. things. light up with the wand. oh yeah....that won't get annoying after awhile.
And they had a Tetris 3D. that's so cool! it's like Connect4. My dad likes Tetris.
Back when I volunteered at the senior citizens' residence we played Uno. I always let them win. I figure, they're probably depressed enough. It's an easy game.
I've played poker though it's been years. I know how to play Go Fish though that's pretty easy. And chess....or maybe checkers. I forget the difference. My dad used to have Chinese checkers. We had Solitaire and dominos and that game where you set the time and try to put the little dudes in the squares before the time runs out. My dad also had marbles which I liked playing around with and looking at. they're pretty. oh and I think we had mancala! and a kids uh........god.........charades board game. The thing about mancala is that if you have rocks/stones and dirt you can pretty much play it anywhere. I think it originated in Africa.
I've played Life and my sister and I used to play Mall Madness.
When we got back from Australia our sleep schedules were all weird. Kate and I'd be up at 1 a.m. and played Monopoloy for hours. She was always the banker.......I'm not a big fan of that game. She's always been a business person. We had Kool-Aid stands and once she made her own jewelry and....stationary.
I've played Connect4 online. and solitaire on my computer. I'm sure I probably could play it with actual cards since I have 2 decks.
Some games are social while others aren't. In elementary school my friend Annabel and I played Power Rangers. I was the pink one she was the yellow one........omygod. they were so cool though! I saw that movie with my dad. And I've played House/School. School with Kate and House in middle school. I was the mom.
We used to have this animal matching game. I like the matching games. '
'i did for love.
eh. feeling a bit better.
Kindof had a bad hour there. My sister's upset.........I still want to cut.....miss Michael have for awhile.
I phoned Kate, emailed her. that's all I can do from here, really. It has to do w/ Evan. I feel like I should keep it personal for her benefit.
I miss people. which is weird/interesting since I don't even like people. er. I miss the people I like.
As for Michael. well. there's not much i can do there. eventually i'll stop trying. but not now.
And I'm a bit freaked about this thing w/ my computer. but that's the least of my worries right now.
I know this is vague but i don't want to go into detail now.'
'9th
vent/TW.
omygod. no, really. oh.my.god.
you're fuking kidding me.
my windows media player only has 2 songs in the library. cmon really? yes i have all my CDs. and the mixes i made from itunes. that's not the point.
oh and i apparently need to reinstall itunes.
yeah normally this wouldn't be so bad. except. for the other stuff. i still want to cut. oh and since i put that of course now i want to do it more. and drink. and something.....else.
i'm doing all i can not to. for the past 2 hrs i've been.
oh and i'm getting my period soon if i haven't already.
no don't tell me to calm down.
you have got to be fuking kidding me.
really people? really? no one at all in the area wants to cuddle with a sweet girl like me? i'm not askin for much here and normally i wouldn't. am i that undesirable?
I rarely have bad nights like this. Rarely.
i'm gonna fukin cry. or explode.
need you now/on my own/so far away/creep/what i did for love
.............................................................. '
'i wish. someone was here. so that i wouldn't have to go out and make myself all perfect looking. have my hair all perfect. and be all happy and strong and together.
because I'mnot.
If someone were here i'd be safe and protected. and warm. and we could be here and not talk.
but we all know that's not possible
because i'm not. i'm not fukin perfect.
i can't promise you perfeection
honestly.
i don't know that i can promise you anything'
'um.
..........
yeah. exactly. that's pretty much my thought process this morning.I woke up around 5:50 after going to sleep at 3. I feel like I barely slept. i did not sleep well.
i can't remember the last time i wa this depressed. things haven't gotten much better and it hasn't ogne away.
Today I'm going to buy my parents flowers. which seems big. not like. in a good way.
so clearly, i can't think right now'
'That's what it's told me when I've restarted my computer. which still works but the folders I had on the desktop have somehow disappeared. I don't know where they went and I don't know how to get them back. which. means. I'm guessing there is a way to do that.
So.........I'm guessing....the local profile is the like. profile thinger that has those folders. I'm not entirely sure what I mean by that. there must be a term.......if you know what it is please tell me.
And then it says that if it keeps happening to contact someone. don't recall who but it might jus tbe the computer adminastrator. but I'm the computer adminastrator! so just how in the hell...........?. I don't understand!
Um. The last time I made a computer backup CD was in Dec. so I have that. and I still have all my CDs which evidently are missing from the Windows Media Player library. But my ITunes library is empty. no. I don't want to have to re-buy everything that's ridiclous! Though, I have them all on CDs.
So..........oh wait i can put those into my ITunes library ok nevermind.
And actually. The computer told me that after I put in my password. which I tried changing to the previous one but. still told me that.
What I'm asking for here is help/info/input. What I'm not asking for is someone telling me who to talk to. I know who to talk to about this. My dad. and I will next week. But first I want your input.
Worst Case Scenario [don't want to go here but, you know]: I might not ever get the 'local profile stuff' back.'
'so. idinno. I'm more awake. hungry for sex and physicality. and real food.
I'm not doing much better.
I want to write but I don't know what about. ever feel like that?
I'm carrying James' words with me. there'a a better option. yeah. i know that. Thing is though. i sometimes don't care.
As for tonight....tonight. tonight i wanna go out and get drunk off malibus. not the best option. still. as said, don't care.
I wanna get away from me. but i can't because i'm in me. and even if i get away it's still there. i just want to fast forward past being depressed. but i can't. well. actually. that's not entirely true. i could. but we all know i don't try hard enough.
things are finally back to normal size on my computer. that's a relief. now i don't feel like alice. And Wes. i've never told anyone about. he was my first. boyfriend, that is. i didn't have sex untill i was in my early 20's, so. still am, actually. that makes me sound older tan i really am. my shortest relationship. er. i mean. he, was my shortest relationship.
But we got to talking via FB last night and he's 'you're a wonderful person.....i care that you're happy'. because that's how he is. me too. We haven't talked in years. he's in CA now, an EMT. wow. he's thinkin of road-trippin here this spring for a couple days. that'll be nice. we could go to Leela's, the mountains, wash park.............he is so nice. I thought it'd be awkward when we started talking but it wasn't at all. we lipped very easily into conversation. he has my xanga, so he'll get to see my dark world which i warned him about.
he doesn't know everything. he knows i was going through stuff last night.
i've calmed down a bit but i'm still depressed. Note, don't note. whatever. I don't want advice and pleae don't mean i don't need that today. not that i ever need it. but esp. not lately. If you're going to be mean/rude/disrespectful/hurtful then. ya know what? don't note'
'I know what I need. I got a good head on my shoulders. I usually figure out my own problems. Which is precisely why I don't usually want advice. Or I'm not in therapy. because everything I'd go over in therapy I already have.
This entry's not about that.
I'm not the most stable person oh god esp. not lately. but. as said. I usually figure out my own problems.
What I need. is physicality. I don't want talking and not because I don't find you interesting. well idinno you might not be. but because i don't want sound. my head's already full of it. just cuddling.
or sex. that would actually help a lot. there's a lot of physicality involved there. when i play sex out in my head i don't have to shave or plan for it or worry about stds or pregnancy.
but it's not like that.
no. it's not.'
'hell it's me as in here i am writing again.
I'm not entirely sure what 'wayward' means but basically....gone awry gone south. or, in my case, insane. it's an Emilie Autumn thing. I''d listen to her but I don't want to upload my music untill I get this. local. profile thing figured out. still waiting on notes for that btw.
Eh. slept today. god i sleep a lot. i'm depressed and really, what else have i got to do? for a depressed chick i write a lot even though I don't want to actually talk.
nothing's really changed.
mrs. dalaway said she'd buy the flowers herself. i've not read that. I....still need to buy the flowers.
Oh the title of this entry referring to the fact that I need a genuine rest. since i don't get much out of sleep lately. i slept better today.
as for my last entry, the one about sex. that was referring to the fact that i don't want have to think about uh. planning. you know, having condoms. not worrying about stds. and such. but because i'm a woman i have to. if i have sex w/ a guy that is. if i have sex w/ a chick i can't get pregnant.
god i hate explaining things. no not really. i usually don't mind it. but this isn't the usual.
wrote something new. it's only 3 lines. it's sort of. an insane/sex fantasy/how i'm doing. thing. it's a bit dark.
and now you're all wondering what it is'
'10th
and here it is, my latest. the 3 liner:
pin me up in the home for wayward victorian girls/dripping blood from my corseted bones./cuz baby i'm insane '
'oh bloody hell.
ended up buying tulips for my parents, red ones. well. they're nice.
it is feckin [irish word for those of you who don't know] cold. dear god. i'm not goin out again untill tomorrow [50 past midnight atm] morning.
cuddling, yes. having to go out in the cold/winter to meet a friend to go somewhere so we can do so? aw hell no.
so i went to.........
[1:10 a.m. atm]
the store last night. 'last night' makes it sound further away than it actually is even though i've only been home for 20 minutes to an hour. as in. it's 20 minutes to an hour. not....yeah. well. obviously i went to the store. that's where i bought the flowers. no i just always get free flowers.
that'd be pretty cool though. 'hey you're cute/sweet/pretty here'r some free flowers for ya love' awww thanks. yay.
So at the store i got the tulips, a small teddy bear in a valentine's coffee cup and a Snoopy red chocolate box. The tulips are a little flat cuz they were smooshed in w/ the others in the. uh. dude. lol. was going to get roses but they were about $10 more than the tulips, so. and they didn't have irises. on the .....tulip wrapping it s ays 'soil grown flowers'. uh. as opposed to?....
The store was relatively quiet.
I have cookies in the oven, sugar. yum. So. I'm a little annoyed. Tuesday's Oprah wa triggering. oh. I'm not annoyed because of Tuesday's Oprah. those'r 2 completely different things. more on why i'm annoyed later. It was about these sisters who were assaulted by their dad and brother. i know how ridiclous it is to watch something triggering [esp. w/ what i've been going through lately] but it was also interesting, so. it reminded me of my own family. not that my dad assaulted me and i don't have a brother, so. but my dad. he. well since i have ptsd because i was assaulted and so i don't trust him becauseof that. also. The sisters were talking about how their mom didn't protect/say anything about the assaults. and that reminded me of my dad. so.
part 2 comin up!
Note. But Be Nice. or don't note.'
'Adult Content
dear god do i want to get laid. or some type of action. damnit. [no, really?] yes really.
preferably by a chick. never done that before.
it's to the point where. i don't even care if she shaves/trims. I mean if she wants to that's entirely up to her. But I most certainly don't expect her to. i just care that i fuking get something.
that is all.'
'How do I get my computer to not log me off about every 15 minutes?
it's really annoying.
Please don't tell me to take it in to the store. That's not what I'm asking. What I'm asking for here is your help.
*nevermind i've figured it out'
'How do I get my computer settings [the desktop resolution, for instance. which is the only one i can think of right now] to 'stick' so I don't have to reset them each time my computer restarts? Is there a way or does it automatically do it on its own after awhile?
Again, please don't tell me to talk to someone else. That's not what I'm asking for here. '
'11th
oh god.
I woke up at 1:42 a.m. [2:40 a.m. atm]. I was cold and had cramps. took Midol ate carrots w/ ranch. the heat's on.
I hate the fact that there's not much I can do about the fact that my grandmother's, well. a bitch. I don't want to be around mean people. That's the exact reason I won't call Jacob when he's drunk. and i've told him that. He could be sober and be mean and I still wouldn't want to talk to him.
Well he's not mean to me.......
But she's my grandmother and I feel a certain responsibility to visit her because of this. I don't want to. and, as gone over, it's not really her fault she has cognition problems. yeah but that doesn't make it right. This i exactly what I went through when I wa slittle. and personally. i grew up years ago. i thought you had too. yes I have things to work on but they're different things. just because I get it doen't mean I like it and it certainly doesn't help.
It's not just that though. it's my period and my depression and my current annoyances. Mandy, for instance. Although....it sure puts things in perspective. doen't take long to annoy me. If you haven't after 2 weeks then wow that's really amazing. no, it is that wasn't sarcasm.
I love my grandmother but I don't like her. although. i don't like most people.'
'This is a metaphor. So.........obviously don't read too much into it.
If one column starts to break in the structure the whole damn thing falls apart.'
'So this morning right when I was writing that part in my previous entry about the mom thing my mom phones. well whatdayaknow. She's wondering what my grandmother said in between the conversation about the survey questions my mom was reading to her [some people had sent my grandmother an opinion survey they wanted her to fill out. Se wasn't cooperating w/ my mom] and my grandmother being rude to me.
Neither my mom nor I could remember though....it's entirely possible I['ve] blocked it out. My grandmother's not a very nice person we know that. She's selfish, she's rude/mean. So maybe what she said [and no I'm not being vague on purpose. i don't remember, as said] was mean and that's why I've blocked it out.'
'So, it's not just my family that my grandmother's mean to. Apparently she's mean to the people in her building too. The people in the dining room according to my mom. And yesterday I blatantly pointed out 2 things. 1; if she's mean to those people then maybe. really, it's better if she doesn't go down at all and B; the reason the nurses stopped working w/ her [she used to have visiting nurses] is because she's not nice.
She doesn't go anywhere because she's depressed but in a way that's better because she's not a nice person [as gone over] anyway and no one wants to be around people who aren't nice. Speaking of i'm sorry that wasn't. but, well. in all honesty the woman's a bitch.'
'13th
Like I said. TMI.
I was thinking about this earlier today on the way to the store. because I'm curious.
So, I'm currently on my period. day 3. Which means........my boobs get bigger. oh good. the very place I don't want to gain weight is the very place I do. oh good just what I need.
When a woman's, er, intimate w/ someone her boobs are 30% bigger. so, since mine are already 30% bigger does that mean they'd be 60% bigger?...........or does it matter?
So, our uh. them. 'they' get bigger bc of water retention. which means.....your body's storing water. uh. there. [obviously. yes i know i'm circle-talking here]. But for what purpose, exactly? What does it need that extra water for during that time?
And, our nerves tell us when something hurts. as basic as that just was. So, do our nerves become extra sensitive during that time? you know, there. Is that because of the water retention? or are those not related at all? [god i've never written so much about my boobs]
I'm not being ignorant/oblivious. I don't ever recall learning about the body's reproduction system that much in middle school, so. forgive me if any of this is apparent to the rest of yall.
Note away but Please. Be nice.'
'oh, 'him' being my friend James.
I was venting to him about my being depressed and he said something along the lines of 'have you tried watching a sitcom?' which i currently was.
It's not that he wasn't helping. It's that, with depression there's not a whole lot i can [read: want to] do about it. i know i know. how stupid/ridiclous that is.
Whereas w/ my friend [Gabby. the one I was annoyed w/ for giving me advice] she's like 'well you could go tanning'. uh.....i don't recall asking for advice there. Firstoff. I never tan. not as in I couldn't [pale as i am] as in, i've never been/go. Secondly, it's bad for you. um....next one? oh, 3. I don't want to spend my money on tanning [or getting my hair/nails done. or.......'frivilous' things like that] and 4, I don't work, so.
yes she doesn't know my situation but that's not the point here. the point is that........i really. don't remember.'
'Need You Now - Lady Antebellum
On My Own - Les Mis
So Far Away - Carole King
Creep - Radiohead. just heartwrenching.
Hallelujah - Leonard Cohen. love this.
Helpless - Neil Young. love him.
and........ What I Did For Love - A Chorus Line. haven't seen that movie/show.
All You Need Is Love - Beatles. both for tomorrow/Valentine's Day
*oh yeah.......also.
Get Happy - Judy [Garland]
Blue skies and sunhiiinne! - Princess & The Frog. probably not the "real" song name but i've forgotten the name
Blue Skies - Sinatra.
the last 3 because today was sunny/warm/nice. '
'15th
I've not read that book [The Hours]. seen the movie though.
No it didn't take me that long [between when I last wrote on Sunday and now] to sort things out. I didn't want to yesterday because it was a holiday. I had chooclate cupcakes yesterday. In the uh. thing. box*, the frosting 'hat' dudes were tipped. they were still good.
I didn't go out that night because I didn't want it to be this big huge date w/ expectations because it was Valentine's Day. like, 'omygod I have to be super romantic for her and bring her flowers' and candles and wine and. all. that. I love romance. Also. I have this problem. I stand guys up. I know I know. wow. But see, my uh.......idea for solving that is to not make plans to meet so I don't stand them up in the first place. which means we don't meet, yes but it also means that. well. as said. I'm workin on it i'm not perfect never said I was. Like I said. I'm workin on it.
It's the same way w/ traveling. I don't want to have to go through the trouble of packing my damn suitcase. I want that to be already done and be on the plane. but these things don't just magically happen..........
on that note i like magic
And, were I to go out last night and it hadn't gone the way I'd wanted it to then that aforementioned holiday would've sucked, so. Yes staying home may be boring but at least I know what'll happen.
See, I wasn't all hung up on the fact that I'm single yesterday. not that I usually am. And some people are. My friend Mark, for instance. He's also the least busy person I know. He's a sweet guy but frequently he'll 'bitch' on FB. and yes i know i do that here and yes i know how annoying it is. But that's also not the only thing I write about. depending.
Like I said [again] I'm workin on things.
I mean, it was Valentine's Day I'm single but that doesn't mean I can't do something nice for myself. those 2 don't equate. On Sunday, I bought myself the cupcakes. Ya know?
Oh, so my original point. My mom liked the flowers. red tulips. they actually go better with the parents' place than roses would. They're place is a Frank Lloyd Wright design, so very simple. made of brick/wood. cold, hard, dark. uncomplicated.
We gave Mom's parents 2 tulips, her idea. they liked them.
*There's a difference between sex[y] songs and romantic songs. Sex songs are, well. any song you can have sex to. Stairway To Heaven's one. omygod i love that song that song makes me cry. '80's songs....Cherry Bomb. well i mean cmon we all know 'cherry' 's a euphanism for. um........yeah. oh, House Of The Rising Sun. Oh and.......Livin On A Prayer. ok well not really but that song's so damn powerhouse that it's a bit fititng. loud, powerful. totally rockin! wicked. anything that gets you in the mood and is, as said.
Romantic songs are At Last, Moon River, Georgia On My Mind, Way You Look Tonight. you know. '40's stuff. well Fever would be both. quiet[er] stuff.
It's not a fact it's my.........um. opinion. '
'Start with your name: Anne/Lily/Ruby. actually it's Anne.
What do you hear right now?
tv
Do you believe everything you hear? depending on who it's coming from.
What are you wearing right now? Chanel No. 5 ha.........clothes
Is there anyone you would die for? yes.
What's the best eye color for the opposite sex? any is fine
Who was the last girl you hugged? um............Kate
Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward? depending on the situation.
Are you taller than 5'5"? no
If you're being extremely quiet what’s it mean? somethin's up
Are you into anyone? no
Does anyone like you? in what way? and yes
What will you do Friday? idk
Are you married? negative.
Do you like your first name? mhmm.
What are your initials? ABY
How do you feel about chocolate-covered strawberries? ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Any tattoos? no
Is there anyone you really can't stop thinking about? yessss..
Last time you ate grilled cheese? omygod
How are you feeling? bored/good/hungry [sexually]
Would you date someone 10 years older than you? not 10 yrs, no
Do you eat ranch with your pizza? ranch...........? oh! no
Where did you sleep last night? the floor
Have you ever tripped on acid? tripped on?..............haha i was picturing this joint on the floor and a person comin by. ok s ry. no. i have on nutmeg though. trust me it's possible. and that's all i'm sayin.
Do you think love is real for young people? and how old are you?
Is anything sore on you? no
Does it bother you when someone lies to you? um...........ya?
Does it take a lot to make you cry? not exactly.
How has this past week been for you? it's Tuesday, so.
Is there anyone you wish you were with right now? sigh.
Do you have any piercings? If so, where? no
Have you had any beer this week? gross.
Who was the last person in your bedroom? me
Were you happy when you woke up today? no. well, i was ok
Do you have a promise ring from your parents? they do that?
Are you missing someone? mmm ya
What color shirt are you wearing? this gorgeous torquoise blue. well i think it is.
Do you talk about your feelings or hide them? depending on what they are, I usually talk.
First thing you did when you woke up? idr
Any plans for tonight? ya. Glee! and chipotle Do you think relationships are ever worth it? of course.
Did you enjoy your last weekend? it was ok
Say you marry the last person you texted, what's your new last name?
idk
When's the last time you fell asleep watching a movie?
I don't watch movies: I watch DVDs
and seeing Tooth Fairy. that was an awful one.
What's the last thing you laughed really hard over?
uh What was the last drink you had?
vitaminwater. the purple kind.
Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
no
Do you like candy corn?
mine!
so yes
If there were no letters on the keys on your keyboard could you still type?
there'r currently 2 missing. oh, no
Anything you're currently looking forward to?
Glee!
[yes i get excited over the stupid silly trivial stuff]
What kind of shirt are you wearing?
t shirt
Are you currently frustrated with a boy/girl?
what are we, 8?
Do you like voice mails?
eh'
'16th
Actually this is about yesterday. You know me I never post an entry when things actually happen.
Yesterday was gorgeous. nice. warm. sunny. but not as warm as Sunday which had been in the 60's. yesterday was in the 50's. although apparently at one point it was 67 downtown. I know, in February. last month we had a day that was in the 60's.
god it was nice.
the promise of spring is..........it's hard to believe it's February with weather like that.
It felt familiar. it also felt like fall. it's. hard, i guess would be the word. it reminded me of recovery. because this coming summer [2011] it'll be 3 yrs since I started recovery. wow.
When it's warm you don't need to eat. because it's warm out and you're cold and then you're comfortable.
but we all know how ridiclous that is.
Those days when you wouldn't eat and then. get sick from it. it sounds really weird but I miss it. On those days I'd wear earrings. and scarves. actually there'r only 2 pairs of earrings I wear regularly.
Chipotle opened at 11. I was there before and it was closed. so I waited which I didn't mind since it was warm. The guy was cute the chipotle dude. 'hi what can i get you?' and i'm thinkin 'wow you're cute'.
For the first time in awhile I thought of the first time I went to Chipotle. I was floating that day. I ordered a 7Up. i sat and drank it.
that never happens. that's the only time i've sat there and had something. it's a great place for lunch.
Yesterday. also reminded me of my ex. My, 2nd ex. the guy who assaulted me. but he wasn't just the guy who assaulted me. We were together and that meant. i guess that meant something. that's hard for people to understand. i wasn't heartbroken when we broke up because we never officially broke up just drifted apart.
In a weird really weird way he was my home. I would've gone to The River but i didn't have bus money. [the river's behind the mall which you have to take the bus to]. but is that the only thing stopping me.....?........
it's hard to remember it's winter with weather like this
Note With Caution or. don't note/Be Nice
*songs of the moment
Dog Days Are Over - Florence & The Machine
Get Happy - Judy
Blue Skies - Sinatra
Don't Rain On My Parade - Barbra
and that one from Princess & The Frog
*songs of the moment
Dog Days Are Over - Florence & The Machine
Get Happy - Judy
Blue Skies - Sinatra
Don't Rain On My Parade - Barbra
and that one from Princess & The Frog'
'hey so, I have this sweater that on the tag reads 'hand wash only'. I'm wondering if it'll be ok if I wash it in a lingerie bag. [i realise it's not so much a question as a general wonderment. wondering?]
It's wool [or made of this wool-like material] if that matters.
Thanks! '
'17th
So, as usual my om and I went and visited her parents. My grandfather wasn't there. he was having coffee with a neighbor/tenant of my parents. They get together often. I think he used to work for Habitat For Humanity. he has bipolar [i think it's bipolar. the neighbor. i know he has depression] so it's hard for him to work. not sure if he still does but he used to drive cabs. keeps to himself, not big on people. lived there for the past 20 yrs or so.
My grandmother was confused. as often happens. My mom bought her a magazine and 2 cakes since while at Whole Foods the other day she went overboard and bought too many cakes.
So then my grandmother's nurse came in to help my grandmother and we left. She's good with her. She's like my mom; no nonsense, no frills, can be nice.
My mom is so weird. i love her but omygod she's a nut. while walking in the parking lot into my grandparents building she said to me "look how tall you are today". what a weird thing to say thanks mom. just what does that imply that i'm usually short? lol. wow.
So then we went to the store where my mom got mayo and her salad for dinner. She has pilates tonight. She used to go twice a week but now she goes only once and is worse shape than before.....and can't do pushuups. doesn't have any upper body stregnth [and nor do i]. well. not that she could before lol. i got mashed potatos, carrots, raspberries and......uh. mandarin oranges. muffin mix and Ziploc bags. The cashier smiled when she saw me; she likes me. well yes...that's a given. I guess I have that effect on people.
We didn't go see my dad's mom because she was at the doctor's. nothing bad/big she's getting the results from her tb test. oh and she's also not moving. she's decided. she was going to, into the assisted living floor. guess not. eh, more news than anything. it is how it is ya know nothin i can do.
Um......as for my mom, she'll be getting busier and busier. She's a CPA [for those who don't know. she does people's taxes]. so.....she has new clients each year, most of whom are nice. well we'd hope. and if someone dies or something changes she hears about it. Last week while at the store we saw one of her clients. He is the grandfather of Rosie. [yeah i don't really know to [too?] much about her either]. of Rosie's Diner here in Denver....it's on Colfax or B'way or some other long street.'
'Here's the issue: not all of us are straight
I'm not.
And on the morning news shows, on tv commercials they're always talking about doing something special for your man/woman, getting her him jewelry and. him a watch. All they have are straight couples.
On that note my favorite Christmas story is 'gift of the magi'.
Why isn't homosexuality mainstream? Would less people buy the product if the couples were a guy and a guy or a woman and a woman? is tha twhy?
Or like, they'll often have relationship segments....like, what's the 'secret' to a happy relationship. and they'll feature straight couples. It's annoying!
obviously I don't care/judge one way or another. you are who you are and you love/like who ya love and the wold needs more love.
Why get annoyed w/ a couple for making out when it's just what the world needs. Ok yes I get it bc you're single. Well you don't have to be so unhappy about it. I'm single. well. kindof. [how can you 'kindof' be single? you either are or you aren't. lol. i'll explain later]
So, being that this is a vent I'm not asking the questions because I want an answer. I'm asking to make a point. Except for the one about selling products. I actually am curious about that answer. However, all opinions are welcome.'
'.....come in the form of inspiration.
omygod. i'm so totally inspired right now.
watching oprah has gotten me inspired. I'd love to volunteer at The Gathering Place this summer. you know, start w/ something small. maybe. but it's so easy to say these things. it is. this amazing wonderful place. full of women. i mean, omygod. so powerful. yeah so i don't wake up every day happy hell no. but I'm one of THE nicest people you'll ever meet. i'll send my sister emails and wish people the best. I give homeless people money....put tips in the tip jars.
By 'something small' I mean an hour a week. hey it's a goal. Not a big one that involves a lot but it's still there.
Hey someone's gotta rack up good karma points for this world. I totally finally get it. when Kate said I'm the best person she knows. y'know i'm just one of those people. lovable and loving and giving. I will always put you before me. always. I really believe in love. and music music is something I'm passionate about. because you have got to believe in something. i do not care what it is.
And if I don't do it this summer there's always next summer. There will always be time for things like this. just as there will always be things like this.'
'.....lost valentine.
I really liked that movie. It was sad. I think the combination of pale skin, blue eyes and dark hair is just gorgeous. It's been said that 2 of my ancestors look like that, on each side. It was all so romantic. [i'm referring to Bettie White's character when she's young].
You know. I learned/realised from that movie [The Lost Valentine] that you don't have to know someone to help them. And. there are several ways you can help people. it doesn't have to be anything big/life changing. You know, being polite or wishing them well even if you don't know them. other. things.
that. was really my only point here.'
'18th
So the other day this group of guys walked past me. They were highschoolers. talking.
I usually associate highschoolers with being loud. Now there's a difference between being talkative and being loud. I can be talkative but I'm not loud. I also associate them w/ immaturity. I'm NOT saying all of them are. I wasn't and I'm still not. immature. So whenever I see a group of them I think that they'll say something rude to me since I'm a bit off. well, whenever I see someone whose behavior is off or is dressed differently I wonder about it but I don't say anything. because well, for 1, I don't do a whole lot of interatcing w/ random people. And 2, I wouldn't anyway since I always try and think about how to ask something.
Note away but Please. Be nice/civil/Note with caution. or. don't note. as always.'
'19th
damnit.
I miss him. a lot. a lot a lot.
and it's not only him that I miss. I miss having someone in my life. Good friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other. whatever.
It is damn hard to find someone to hang out with. because everyone's busy. oh yeah.......keep on forgetting that. I'm the least busy person I know. I'm not complaining. Hell I wouldn't want to be that busy. ever. it actually scares me........being so busy you never have time for anyone.
Yes my life is boring. yes i could use a little more fulfillment. but couldn't we all? well yes. But there are other ways to get that. I don't have to work/go to school to get that.
I don't want to become busy. oh hell no. My mom says I'm a noncomformist. and I guess I am because I don't conform to the idea that I need to work/go to school. And why is that such a bad thing? It's not. See that's the problem w/ this country. [well that's not the only problem]. As soon as someone's 'different' in some way it's automatically seen as a 'bad' thing. Take Einstein, for instance. He was a genuis. well, clearly. As was Da Vinci and Ray Charles. oh god Ray Charles was brilliant. And, so happens he sang one of my favorite love songs of all time [Georgia On My Mind]. so if he weren't 'different' and he weren't Ray Charles and all the things that made him.......er. well. him. then we wouldn't have that song.
You see?
Ellen was talking about this the other day. well. that is, she mentioned it. something like, if you're in a situation where you don't have to work/go to school then why not take advantage of that?
Uh...........jeez how in the hell did I get here?.........oh. right. I was talking about missing people.
I want other people to become less busy. selfish as that is.
[which, essentially is saying psychologically that i want them to change and not me. yes i know i know]
Oh, 'him' being Michael.
I was looking at my former friend Rachel's FB earlier tonight [yes, again. psychologically that's saying 'i'm just looking for a push bc all this other crap isn't going well'. see? i don't need a therapist i can [and do] self-analyse all by myself. awww. i should be so proud. dork] and god. her daughter's beautiful. she's only about a yr old, Scarlett. Rachel's.......I think either 23, 24. almost. next week actually.
Michael's page has so much energy pouring from it. apparently his life's gone on. not that mine hasn't. Hell I survived for 22 yrs w/o knowing him, so. but it just meant so much. and he knew that. Look if yall got a problem w/ me then message/FB me about it ok? In a calm reasonable manner. don't go all crazy white people on me lol. none of the 'look i dont like you bc did this and you're this and blah blah blah' crap. something like 'hey i didn't like that you ordered for me bc it made me feel....'. Michael was one of the best people I ever knew.
and damn.
it was around this time last yr that Michael cut things off. we went to wash park that day.....he asked if i wanted to go to the hookah bar w/ him. i didn't. was that when he was going to tell me?
things were going so well and then he goes and shoots me a FB message and i'm like 'wow you suck'. really?
yeah it hurts.
Oh, and this doesn't allow for notes bc las t time I posted an entry regarding my nonwork/school uh. situation. some of yall weren't nice. If you don't agree w/ me or have a different opinion or. whatever. then yeah that's totally fine. But for the love of god.....be civil about it. Be nice. Note with caution. Or don't note at all. that. damn. simple.
Alrite?
[which. makes me sound like a new yorker/minority] '
'So earlier today [7 p.m. atm] while waiting for the mall shuttle after having seen a movie I started talking with this very nice very pretty woman. She looked to be about 40, plump, 5'. dark hair blue eyes. I asked how she was she asked how I was we talked about the weather....said something about going through hard times lately. I told her i get that. Said she'd finally found a place to stay and I was like wow.
I won't judge you based on your social class [or anything, really] but I thought she meant emotionally. I told her I like helping people and do what I can. The shuttle came and I wished her good luck. she told me to h ave a nice day [which i was]. I really meant it too. I'm not going to say something like that if I don't mean it.
wow.
what a humbling experience. it really makes ya think....it did me, anyway. of all the people I've helped over the years. On the bus a few summers ago a guy my age was going through a dififcult time w/ drugs, which i knew because he was talking w/ a woman [i think she was his counsellor] about it. I stood, gave him my tissues [what a trivial thing to give someone. it's like here want some tissues? they're free. that's actually why i carry tissues in my purse] and we hugged. coming home that day I thought about him....and that I know what it's like to be that lost. I came home [this was back when i was living w/ the parents] went upstairs and told Kate about it.
This is the first I've written about it. he was so nice.
I think about him from time to time, wonder how he's doing. Again, you don't have to know someone to help them.
I think, all that started when a guy up in Vermont that I didn't even know helped me.
I've always liked helping people, always wanted to. That's why I was put on this earth, to help people. discovered that when i was in high school.'
'21st
simplistic as that is.
I re-realised this when I was watching 9News. they featured a segment on a photographer [don't recall who] who had his work in an exhbit in the art museum. The exhibit was entitled 'notes from a quiet life'. He was saying how his photos at first glance were simple but the more you looked the more you found. A bit like Where's Waldo? or the. games they had in children's magazines where you found the hidden. things. items*.
I think life's like that too. Mine is, anyway. My photos are, definately.
An example of this is/are trees. they're not just trees. They do so muh for us. I'm sure you've all heard of someone having a favorite/certain tree they've read under. And, [it's] not just that. They have energies they have emotions. they connect with each other. No, really they do.
I love trees.
and that. was really my only point.'
'WARNING: Adult Content.
well. obviously given the title of this entry.
I was watching some tv show [which i can't remember right now given how *shattered I am] and something on it mentioned nudity. I. think.
Here are my thoughts on nudity. There are certain people, I wouldn't want to see nude. And I don't mind being nude. However, that's by myself. It took me awhile to be nude in front of my ex [i know which one, lol. the most recent one] because of an experience I had when I was 17 which I never talk/write about.
Um.
In the states, we're not as open about it as Europe is. Also prostitution isn't legal here. You see it all the time in European art, Boticelli in particular. Honestly Venus has the. perfect body. The perfect woman, physically. In European art it seems the women are rounder. There's that Picasso painting, of his.........lover? i think she was, Marie Therese. a very sad story that was. learned about that from some movie.
[no i'm not being vague on purpose here]
*shattered = knackered'
'Words are everywhere. On tv online in the news on signs in the stores......I just recently learned that some words are on a higher level of understanding than others. 'Toast', for instance even though it's a short word. Instead of saying 'bread w/ butter' which I probably would since, as gone over, I don't think in words. Which means it takes me longer to get to my point. I cannot for the life of me tell you what I'm talking about but I can describe it for you untill you get it.
short entry.'
'222nd
But today's episode of Oprah featured a girl who was locked in a dog cage [hence the TW].
Now, correct me if I'm wrong here please, but wouldn't she be unsocialised? I learned in sociology that if you can't talk/interact [as in, if you're not allowed to] then you don't learn how to and then. you just don't know how.
Also, wouldn't she, like die from lack of food?
I don't know the details of this.
That was my one problem w/ Tangled. and same question. If you were locked away for that long, then.....
I'm not [being] ignorant/obvlivious. I honestly don't understand.
Note away but Please. Be nice. or, as always.'
'Hey yall,
Thanks for the notes on my last entry, the one about the Oprah ep. Also thanks for being nice, since not everyone has been.
So, on notes. I'll usually wait for at least 4 notes on an entry that allows them [and for the ones that don't I try and explain why I don't want any] and then write another entry allowing for notes. The notes fuel my writing. Like, yeah I could write just for me but I also like to have your input on things, depending on the context of the entry. Which is why I 'wait', seemingly, to write another entry .I hope that doesn't make me seem needy/dermanding/other.
I'm leaving this entry noteless because. there's really not much to say about it.'
'just made a date w/ this guy via email. by 'date' I mean we were going out for drinks. In one of the emails I told him a bit about myself hoping he'd do the same, and. he didn't. h e asked if I had body photos [well i don't. i have 2 nude photos of me where you can't see anything, you know. explicit. which i haven't put on an art site which i'm a member of].
oh i get it. he either 1, really wants to fuk someone or b, is honestly disinterested. That's the impression I got straightaway.
Look, don't get me wrong, I like being told I'm hot/cute/beautiful. as do most women who are. But if we're going out for drinks that's all I want to do. not that I don't want sex [bc oh dear god] but that's not what tonight's about. Ya know?
So I emailed him telling him I had to cancel since I just made plans. well that's a hella lot better than standing him up and not cancelling.
And I do. have plans. My 'plans' as it were are to stay in and watch tv as they are every night. He doesn't have to know what said plans are.
The other night, another guy via email asked me if I had more photos. I said I do but not comfortable sharing. he's like, why.
And.......then I stopped emailing him bc I'm not even going to dignify that w/ a response. And really, if you're pushy like that via email then I don't wanna date/hangout w/ you.
This past summer [2010], actually, a guy and I hungout. When he said he wanted to hang out w/me I thought that he, actually. you know. wanted to hangout. so we get to my place start watching Shutter Island [this is the reason i 'can't ' watch that] and he starts askin me questions about sex. and then he's like 'well you don't want sex and i do, so........yeah ima leave now'.
Of course I want sex! or. some type of action. but I won't have it w/ a guy untill I've gotten to know him.
But, whatever. I handled that well, so.
And this doesn't allow for notes bc. well. I just don't want any.'
'23rd
Like I said. TW and Dark
i wasn't. abused. and maybe i'm in denial or maybe i really wasn't.
For one, other than when my mom hit my sister and grabbed me [no not in the same day. not even in the same season] it wasn't physical, So no it doesn't deserved to be talked about. hell it doesn't even deserve to be written about! just like the David thing. and yes that last sentence is vague on purpose.
- it wasn't ongoing. because others have it so much worse than me.......like that girl on Oprah. My life isn't nearly that bad. so i honestly feel it doesn't deserve to be talked about. whatever......'it' is.
I've only talked about in therapy once and as said I'm pretty much done w/ therapy. My mom's said things to me. but those are just words and words. don't mean much. If it's physical if you can see it then we know we got a problem.
I remember, once........my former friend Josh asked 'is everything ok at home?'. I don't recall what this was in reference to.
back in high school i was always the girl who had everything together. the halo effect. still am.
I never yell. i don't scream oh no. i'm the quiet victorian. well, kinda. wayside home for victorian girls. emilie autumn ref. I'm the quiet respectable one. i was never the rebel. i never [well ok not never] slashed to cut. I don't often get drunk. I'm the responsible pure innocent sweet one.
I was never wild. never. rebellious.
never went to raves never done drugs. i was never crazy. shit i wont even do. uh. certain things to help w/ my sex drive. People have asked 'so what do you do.....?'. well. uh. i don't. or at least if i do i dont call it that.
god that was embarassing to admit. You know. I dance. The one other thing that helps is motorcycle rides. I'm not usually reckless. but that night i was. and ya i loved it. I have screamed, once. at a poetry reading in college. it was incredible.
maybe my mom was right. maybe i am boxed in.
That's another reason I like Joan Jett. because she's the extension of myself I never was. who i never could be.
wow. maybe i am uptight.
yeah but why's that have to be such a bad thing?
obviously i have a lot of issues. obvioiusly i'm dark. and edgy. and obviously, there's a lot in me that needs to come out. i've never had that much power. ya being the responsible one sucks. having this good a reputation sucks too. shit why do you think i want to get polwed every now and then?
so. that's what the cutting was about. rebellion. but pretty soon that became passive. so then the shoplifting. only problem there is how addictive it is. if it's illegal and it's addictive there's no way you want to be caught. that's why i don't do it anymore because it's addictive that's the main reason. it's not because i don't want to get caught. although. i don't.
and then there's sex but, well. there are all these precautions to take. why can't i just fuk without thinking? oh that's right cuz i'm not a guy.
and my point was.........? oh, right. in high school i was that girl. still am. i don't shatter the world's image of me. it's the world that matters not me. it breaks and i fix it i help it. i try to figure out why something's happening to er to. so i can help it. because i don't let many people in. because i'd rather help you. always. and i will always do that. i take care of people.
if i fall ill i'll still help you. i want to be one of those amazing people everyone talks about. there are too many selfish people in this world. i never want to be so busy i can't help someone. that terrifies me. that's the other reason i don't work.
i want to have control.......... - radiohead
i'm not allowing for notes because, uh. there's a reason but i'm too damn knackered to think right now. mgith open this up to notes later.'
'So today was kindof backwards. My mom came and picked me up at 11:20 instead of 9 since she'd gone to a lecture earlier, on the Astors. as in, John Jacob and I think his wife Madeline. not too sure. they were mentioned in the movie Titanic. We went to my dad's mom's. Her husband was there she didn't come out of her room for 20 minutes. So we talked to John about the Astors and the show 'who do you think you are?' [which i'll post an entry on later]. When my grandmother came out of their room Mom went into the office to do some paperwork. My grandmother, amazingly enough, apologised for last week. she's a good person [though. i think everyone is] she's just. selfish. i have mixed feelings on that bc she's acknowledging it's not right but apologies don't mean much. also doesn't mean she won't be mean again. she didn't say she'd try and do better. i was polite, cordial. thanked her. we talked about holiday traditions.
Then my mom nand I went to Safeway where we got raspberries, potato salad, frozen dinners, milk, carrots, Parmesan, Sprite, Advil and muffin and cookie mix. went back to my place put the stuff away then on to CostCo where it was Free Sample Day. we had soymilk,c ran-grape juice, Raisin Bran, nut clusters, chocolate covered almonds, vegetables and this weird carbonated sparkling orange-mango juice. stuff. it was weird. i don't like sparkling beverages. i like things that sparkle. we got toilet paper.
On to my grandparents where my great uncle Chuck and grandfather were, talking. Chuck told us about his wife's/my great aunt Jean's new hearing aids. they cost a lot. but they sound cool. they can make them so they blend in w/ your hair and you can adjust for what specifically you want to hear. Jeab was wearing purple. Chuck was in red. i think he has Parkinson's. Jean played my grandparents organ while Mom sang. Iwent in and said hello to my grandmother who was reading the TIME magazine my mom had brought hr last week. We talked about the weather. I learned that she liked reading and always had. i'm the same. Mom came in w/ the magazines talked to her mom a bit. we left.
On the way back to my place I phoned Dad who came over 20 minutes later, checked my smoke alarm, didn't have any input for my sticky keys situation [it's not a big thing. i was just wondering if he had] and took my microwave to his place to work on it.
and then I got ready and went grocery shopping where I bought yogurt and 2 magazines. and now here I am at 7:10 p.m.
so it's been a fairly busy/productive day. this must be how people who work/go to school feel.'
'24th
Vent
This is about my on/off again guy. [jacob].
Before he wasn't this annoying. Honestly I'm only "with" him bc I miss having someone in my life. I don't even love him. and right now i don't even like him. and not just bc he's hut me. again.
He's just like my dad and not just because he's unavailable. Also because he doesn't take things seriously. I love to laugh I do but there's a time and a place. I can't stand people who don't take things seriously, honestly. I feel like they're oblivious. probably because my dad is. and we all know how much i like him.
I'll say something and he - Jacob - will take it as a joke. really and we're how old?
Also. if you don't know pop culture/music like. before the '60's then we're going to h ave a problem. I need to talk to someone who's on the same level w/ that stuff as I am. and it's not that i like, er. 'expect' people to retain that as that sounds demanding. but I'd like it if when I taught you something about the golden age for you to retain it. so a; i won't have to repeatmyself which, as gone over i hate doing regardles sof who you are and 2; so i feel like you get me.
yeah it hurts. a lot. This isn't the first time someone hasn't gotten me. i just thought, well. that sortof stuff would have stopped awhile ago.'
'still pretty steamed about this morning. and hurt. which i've explained in my last entry.
Because I'm your friend....unles syou specifically ask me too I won't tell you it's going to be ok. Unless you tell me to shutit and tha t you need comfort. I won't lie to you like that. I'm not going to go 'ohhh i'm sorry' because I hate that. How is that empowering? yeah exactly. it's not. Yeah i'll tell you i get it because i usually do. and while that's not really all that comforting it's honest and emotionless. I'm also, not going to tell you how to live your life. My way of helping you is asking questions. An you should be flattered/honored that I have the time to do that!
I love helping people and I always will help. I'm sweet but I also won't talk down to you. You're my equal not my, er. 'child'. [well i mean obviously. you know what i mean. i hope]. and i'm not going to treat you like you are. I'll ask, validate your feelings and be there for you but I'll also leave it up to you what to do in a certain situation. so that you feel empowered and realise you're a hell, of a lot more capable than you think.
you can call me a bitch call me cold.
this doesn't allow for notes because. i don't want any.'
'25th
I can't believe this.
It appears that I'm actually sick. well, rundown/tired. which is funny cuz I'm like never sick. ever. Other than the relapses/my period I just don't get sick. I haven't been around anyone that is. not that i've noticed. It's also ironic given I have an eating disorder. My dad doesn't get sick either. it won't last long never does.
so I really haven't been doing a whole lot. not that I usually do. I'm not all that thirsty/hungry but I've been drinking milk and had a cup of tea about 20 minutes ago. I feel like I "should" be drinking tea because I'm sick. Oh and I made muffins about 30 mins ago, bc it's cold/gray/not good weather outside. well. not that there's weather inside but you know. it's like, 'oh the weather outside is frightful'. as opposed to........?
had 2 of the muffins. blueberry. they were a bit burnt on the bottom. i think i left them in too long. they're still good.
My microwave's working now. yay! it's a frekin miracle. My dad fixed it. he readjusted the spring in the. um. door. [if i weren't so tired this'd make a lot more sense].
but it's a good day to be sick. well. not that anyone ever wants to be sick but if you are you don't want to be on a nice day which today isn't.
i'm not complaining. this is just news.
and that's pretty much it.'
'....raincoat. michigan seems like a dream to me now we've all come to look for america...../who do you think you are.
Maureen McGovern does an amazing cover of that song. She's amazing. she does covers. oh she's a singer if you hadn't gathered.
So last week's 'who do you think you are?' featured Rosie O'Donnel who, is Irish. i love that show. it's so interesting. and you get to learn stuff. I don't like her but she's smart I'll give her that much.
She went back to Ireland one of my favorite places. And omygod I cried. I have never cried during an episode of that show. I love the Irish. they're beautiful, kind, lovely people. much like the country itself. A great/prime example of beauty coming from pain. You know, because of the potato famine long ago. I'm very strongly connected to my Irish roots [mom's side] and damn proud ofit too. And I wonder....if the places we love are also who we are. I loved London too. it's incredible....all that theater. and some of the friendliest people you'll ever come across. now, I wouldn't exactly say I'm friendly.
[oh. yeah. on my mom's side I'm Swiss, Irish and English. on Dad's we're German - his mom - English/Scottish [his dad] and I think French]. I knew a few things about the Irish and the German. My mom's Swiss side came from a place called Bosiger, Switzerland [sp?].
Ireland's so mystical too. Paris is beautiful, charming. lovely. wonderful lovely pastries. full of art and sex. [ha. big surprise there right?]
I love Irish and French accents, and Irish music is one of my favorites. as well as country, piano and Italian opera though I don't listen to either a lot. just as I don't listen to my favorite songs and maybe that's why because they're my favorite songs. same w/ those Tagalong Girl Scout cookies. they taste like Reese's cookies which they don't make. but then if they did the Girl Scout cookies wouldn't be special awww. like, if I ate peanut butter cookies all the time then they wouldn't be special.
This week they featured Kim Catrall. I didn't know she was Canadian. Next week's Lionel Ritchie. i really like him his personality as well as his music.
I love learning. i don't care what about i just love it.
so that's it'
'26th
actually this is about last weekend. go what the hell did i do last weekend. i............uh..........i did.something. oh i went on a date. with James. who is really cool. and cute. and hot. [sounds like someone else i know......my 2nd boyfriend! who looks like Mark from the movie RENT. who assaulted me. the boyfriend, i mean not.........yeah. lol]
He thought I was cute too. i told him a lot about me. He totally gets the music thing. which is great. We parked on Colfax and went to a grill for dinner where we each had burgers mine was veggie. omygod it was good. and then we walked around for an hour tryin to find 16th. When we got there we went to Paramount Cafe. Which was only open for an hour more. I had this huge fishbowl of a drink. it tasted like tangy bubblegum.
went back to his car and he drove me home. yeah we really hit it off.
So that was.........Saturday night into Sunday morning. I'll have an entry about what I did Saturday coming up.'
'27th
so. jeez wow.
Tomorrow's my late grandfather's birthday. no. wait. His birthday was the 29th so obviously a leap year. meh, it's close. whatever. I don't miss him. I didn't when I'd heard he'd died. My mom was the one who told me. It's just. yeah still weird. I was thinking of him the other day. it'll be april here before you know it. damn.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to read his obituary which was emailed to me by my parents last year. it's too....close ya know? too new. maybe eventually. but not now.
'Course, there birthdays he had that passed without my recognition while he was alive. Right now somewhere someone's probably having a birthday. ya know.......there are all these random things going on at once. without our recognition. like that one Carnival cruise commercial they used to have where the smaller pictures made the big one, of the boat. ship, rather.
just weird. that's all.
i don't miss him cuz i didn't know him well'
'Hey yall,
so I could use some advice. well. not so much advice as reccomendations. I don't like nuts. I know they're like, really good for you. I just don't like them. And the reason is they're too dry. i'm wondering if there's a way to make them less dry. [i spose if I put them in water then....they would be. but that'd be weird]. And if there are certain nuts that are dryer than others.
Also.
I like vegetables I'm just not sure what to have them with. I have carrots w/ ranch and green beans with butter and I love butter. Any other suggestions?
Keep in mind I'm a vegetarian.
Thanks!
*I didn't think I'd have to say this since I didn't think anyone would but after reading a note about this entry..........cmon now, don't be rude. Note me w/ civility as I do you. or, you know. don't note.
*For those confused [which apparently some are] vegetarians don't eat meat; vegans don't eat any animal products'
'28th
ugh. god. so apparently i'm not better. well i'm not worse just different.
I thought I was getting better yesterday since I felt well enough to go out and buy Girl Scout cookies - the family wa supernice - but not today. Being sick is a bloody inconvenience. However. i'm not achy. um. yay?
Just very tired and congested. I'd have tea but I'm tired of tea. when I got sick in Ireland they gave me tea. And I need more cough drops. oh of course now that i'm sick and have run out i need them! that makes perfect sense. But somehow yogurt helps w/ congestion. so i've had that and mashed potatos for dinner. I'm not the least bit hungry. or maybe it's that my senses are dulled. As said, not that I usually do a lot but now I actually have a good reason not to go out.
With being sick I usually let it run its course. it's like. i'll get better eventually. i don't take anything. The only 'med' I'll ever take on a regular basis is Midol. And really, as is just now occuring to me, if I worked/went to school then I might take something as I'd feel rushed to go back to work/school. remarkably. the body heals itself as my sister once pointe dout.
just news
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