I'm losing "it" right now. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

My family is up in Northern California right now, attending the trial of the murder of my infant nephew.
It happened almost two years ago…it’s probably the most disgusting thing I can think about.
The babysitter shook him to death, threw him across the room, just basically beat the shit out of him.
He was the kindest gentlest baby.

I can’t think about or write about it anymore than that.

So…my family is gone, they are all up at the trial. I wish I was there to be with my sister.

To top it off, I don’t remember the last time I felt this alone…like, even the dog is gone because I can’t be trusted to take care of myself let alone another living creature.

So, here I am…in this big house all by myself, wishing I could be with my family, but I’m not, hating being alone, but I am…and every single day all I can think about is how old my nephew would be right now and how great it would be to be getting to know the person he is growing into.

Fuck.

I can’t.

Anyway…I have been trying to plan a trip to Utah to go see some of my family, but right now they’re all at the trial, and I want to go to Utah to see my grandpa before he dies, but there’s no point if my mom and two of my sisters aren’t even going to be there…I wouldn’t even have a place to stay at that point…so now it looks like I won’t be going to Utah until January…and who knows if my Grandpa will still be alive or still remember who I am at that point.

FUCK

All I want to do is scream fuck so loud that it shatters reality and I can pick up the pieces and glue them back together in whatever shapes I want them to be in…

The Dane and the Death Machine show got cancelled too.

I’m feeling like such a fucking piece of shit failure right now.
I feel like I’ll never get anything right.
I feel like I’ll never accomplish anything.
I feel completely alone.

I’m going to just have to kill myself when my dad dies because I won’t be able to take care of myself without him.

I don’t want to outlive my parents…I don’t want to outlive my siblings…I don’t want to outlive another person I care about ever again.

I feel like nothing is real right now…I can’t tell if it’s disassociation or if reality is truly just so bent and bizarre right now that it nothing is making sense.

If I wasn’t medicated right now I can tell I would be manic AF.
I missed my meds for 3 out of the 5 last days and I’m feeling ALL FUCKING BENT OUT OF SHAPE.

…

…and old friend just started messaging me over Facebook. That’s nice.
I have another friend coming over.
I’m going to be fine.
I’m sorry.

I’m so fucking sorry I’m like this.

I love you.

-Dane