valerie stuff. perfect too well behaved. alone. in 2017. got it.

yes here i go.

so. for those people who’ve been following my blog it’s not a secret that i’m not a big fan of my mentor. [and again it certainly isn’t now. no um.]. Well. the other reason i’m in her words ‘trying’ [although again. someone either does, doesn’t or they start to] to change her. is cause i want her to be less then perfect. be negative once in awhile. swear every once in awhile. no really i don’t consider that being disrespectful. [as long as people aren’t swearing at me. like i don’t care if they swear around me in fact i encourage them to.]. no but the problem i have w/ people who don’t swear is the same problem i have w/ religious people: they think they’re better then everyone. like for the love of god. be fukin real. she’s so perfect and well behaved that i don’t think she’s ever done anything wrong in her life. and i won’t believe otherwise. [right cause i don’t want to.]. in the words of cole porter let’s misbehave. [though that said. if we’re at a bar and she gets drunk. i’m not gettin in the car w/ her. and that goes for anyone. this has never happened. it’s just not a good idea to drive drunk and also, personal reasons.].

She’s not normal. ok well that might sound bad. no i mean she’s not ‘my’ normal not my definition of it. my definition of normal is someone who’s fukin real. like well me. i actually like.when she tells me things she doesn’t like. i just wish she’d do more of it. [but then we have the problem i have w/ evan. is that it’s sometimes too much. i love the guy but he’s crazy as fuk. which isn’t his fault. i know can’t have it both ways.]. i remember. on that tv show ellen the sitcom from the ‘90’s. when she came out to her parents her dad said something like ‘why can’t you be normal?’ and she goes ‘well i am normal’. sure maybe not his definition of normal but like.she is. See gay people to me are normal. as are straight people or whoever else. so that’s clearly not the issue here. There is nothing wrong w/ someone being gay. or straight. or w/e. but to me there is.something wrong w/ someone being......the way valerie is. like they need to be ‘fixed’, in some way. [ok so that sounds terrible. they’re people not objects.]. but for me not for them. even though to them they’re not broken. [well not in that regard.]. Things look more interesting cracked. and she’s not the most interesting person i’ve ever met. [well ok she’s not super boring either.]. this probably sounds terrible comparing her to an object. but it’s like. she’s a clear window. and that’s boring and safe and tame. i want spiderweb cracks. i want negativity. i want that window to be smashed so it can feel.real. instead of just all nice and perfect. [well. i don’t mean an actual window.]. [right well be the change. i like that. and sometimes i am that. like i don’t usually do things for people cause i hate it when people do that to me. as we know. but not everyone gets that. see evan is usually so in sync w/ me. that he like 60% of the time gets it.].
and see that’s the other thing. w/ valerie there’s no adventure. [ah i sound like belle. yes that belle. disney belle.]. literal or otherwise. it’s just a smooth ride. i want. like. variety. i like rock music and i also like um italian opera. or i don’t know country. yes and that’s my point.
i know i know. they say be careful what you wish for cause a person just might get it. and then when they finally do they might not like it.
and see that’s the other thing about evan. is w/ him. every day is an adventure. he keeps things pretty interesting. if he’s angry. people will know. he might not say it in that exact wording. but yeah people’ll know. but w/ valerie. nothin. like nothing gets to her. how is that even humanly possible? cmon nobody’s like that naturally.
i don’t have a problem w/ people doing pot. er smoking it i mean. no i have a problem w/ her, doing it. cause this is who she turns into. it’s like when people say they don’t want to get married. no they just don’t want to get married to that particular person. when harry met sally. and ya know. if her not smoking it meant she’d be real. as much as i love pot. then i’d take it. which is funny cause w/ my sister it was the opposite. yeah i haven’t told a lot of people that. [i realise of course i have no control over the situation. no one really does. Person A shouldn’t control what Person B does at the store.]. and ya know. i’m afraid of losing control and yet i’m a controlling person. just not usually outwardly.
i guess.......yeah we are different people in this regard.
i just feel.i don’t know alone. cause i don’t completely relate to her. [right and she probably doesn’t completely relate to me either cause she doesn’t have depression.]. like. i’ve never lived in egypt. so i don’t completely relate to having lived there. bc of what i just said er wrote. typed......w/e the point being.
i’m fine being alone but i don’t like feeling alone. ya know? or maybe you don’t.
but maybe. people will never fully relate to one another. maybe that’s just not possible nor is it a thing. i don’t know. like yeah perfection isn’t a thing either but don’t tell that to someone w/ anxiety.
so just. more of the same a little bit of different things. and circle talking.

Last updated July 17, 2018