Boomboom Tinkledinker in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

Bullet Points

• Last night I had a dream where I was shopping in a Strip Mall and saw Christopher Walken across the parking lot. I ran over to him and we chatted like old friends. He asked me how my Fibromyalgia was doing; and I thanked him for recommending a shoe store that could help me out. So no wonder when I woke up in the morning the right side of my right leg was locked in “stress” position and my right lower back was killing me.

• As I was unlocking the office door this morning, I heard from behind me (as someone was entering a different office) “Good morning, Jean. How was the kids’ game?” And… it felt like a slap. That is exactly what I was talking about yesterday. In Tiny Town, even when I was the first person to enter the building… as other people entered, there would be a “Good morning” and some small conversation (on those occasions where people were in the building). Here? Maybe Chinese Assistant will do that, if he’s not being yelled at by Chinese Boss. But… there is no “Social Work” Mode. Bosses come in, the dark cloud falls over the office, and the bosses start shouting demands or just immediately lock themselves in their office. There is no “Hey, we work together, lets pretend we see each other as more than just Work Tools and Office Supplies.”

• Going over some business records (trying to figure out how to conjure something from thin air) I discovered the Original Business Filing with the Secretary of State for this firm. Dated July 2014! Are you… what? So… nobody is allowed to call me impatient or irritable ever again. My bosses told me a number of times that the reason they hung their own shingle was that they were tired of looking for work and not getting anywhere. Uhm, really? Because considering when you filed for your own law firm… after you left law school, you looked for less than two months! You hadn’t even taken the bar by that point!! So… yeah. Another good indicator of who I work for, especially compared to me. I looked for two years. They looked for two months. Say no more.

• It should go without saying, though obviously makes me unhappy, that I have not won the lottery (not a thin red cent) and I have not been called back by any jobs looking to set up an interview. Clearly this is something I greet with hesitant sorrow. Hesitant because the last remaining embers of an optimist that still secret themselves deep within me are repeating that “it’s only been two months.” After all, it took 2 years to find a job Omaha to Tiny Town and 6 months to find a job Tiny Town to Des Moines. But despite that rather sound advice… I still express some sadness. Because in so many ways this job is not “Not Tiny Town.” This town is Not Tiny Town; but this job still retains much of the worst portions of Tiny Town’s job while adding in new elements. Which of course has me wondering. I know all law offices are not like this. Of my friends practicing law, I only know of two other people in a similar situation… suggesting the majority of firms aren’t like this. But I keep finding them. And the sorrow involved is partially… not even a phone call or e-mail to say “No.” I hate that about the modern world. “All applications must be submitted on-line” and “You’ll never hear from us unless we want to interview you.” Bah.

• Here’s a massive GAH I almost forgot to write about. You want to know demanding and impatient? I’m in court covering for White Boss. White Boss texts me that I need to let him know how a conversation went by phone… a conversation I haven’t had because the court hearing for him was FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. Then, immediately afterwards, Chinese Boss calls (it is midnight in China) and demands that I draft a letter for a client and send it to her “before she goes to sleep.” I am doing White Boss’ Trial. You should both know where I am. I can’t ask the judge to excuse me while I make a phone call and draft a document for my bosses. For. Fuck. Sake. But here’s the best part. Here’s what pisses me off and always makes this job one in which I want to quit and walk out. I’ve been asked to write a letter, I’ve been given less than 30 minutes to do so. This is a letter I’ve never done before. This is a letter that has no templates in our Firm History. So… like everything in Immigration… I have to create this out of whole cloth. And submit it to Chinese Boss. Who always tells me how unhappy she is with my work because it doesn’t look professional or intelligent. And that. Drives me. Depressive Crazy!!! AND LIKE CLOCKWORK… first thing said “Work on typos! This document has the name Guy. The name is Gu. Big thing to miss!!”
  And that, more than anything, is why I want to get the fuck out of here.
  I feel like, constantly, at this job “Your task is to shine this apple so I can eat it when I’m hungry.” Two Seconds Go By. “I’m hungry, why isn’t this apple shined?!” Shines apple quickly. “There is rag debris on this apple. Unacceptable!”

• Remember how, when the bosses left… I was surprised that the Chinese employees were celebrating. Like… this firm isn’t even Chinese Standards, it is worse? There is the obvious opposite setting in immediately. Chinese employees look like someone kicked their puppy. They are saying how the next two months are going to be SO painful, SO stressful, SO difficult to deal with the bosses. Even the guy that gets to leave at the end of the year? He has this giant shit eating grin and says it is because “He knows it’ll be hell; but at least he can leave.”

• Oh, and for those that think I don’t remember what it was like to work retail (despite 9 years of it between Shoes and Electronics)… I know Retail has things about it that suck huge awful wang. My wife is at Wal Mart, remember? And guess where she gets to be on THANKSGIVING? She works from 1:00 pm to 10:00 p.m. THANKSGIVING DAY. And yes, I take extreme exception to that. I know… I’ll be required to work Black Friday, Christmas Eve, New Years Day… my situation sucks for Holidays too… but Wal Mart is having all of their “Black Friday” specials on Thanksgiving Day. Which is absolute horse shit. My wife would very much very very much like to spend Thanksgiving Day eating Turkey and enjoying Family Traditions. As opposed to getting trampled so that someone can buy a 50 inch TV for $350. AND YET the world of Retail is still tempting to me. PEOPLE. BEING PAID FOR THE HOURS YOU WORK. HEALTH INSURANCE. NOT BEING REQUIRED TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE ENTIRE STATE. REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS.

• Though, thinking about my time in retail reminds me strongly of how I was when I was a supervisor. My employees knew I cared about work. They could do whatever they wanted provided the work was done and done well. But they also knew that I cared about them. When one of their dad’s was in the Hospital… I covered their shift. When their car was in a snow drift… I asked if the needed help getting pulled out, and said I’d waive “punishment” if they did an even exchange (15 minutes late to work means you work 15 minutes later in your shift). There IS a way to consider WORK and EMPLOYEES. And since my employees knew I wasn’t an asshole, when I told them “My bosses are breathing down my neck to get our gaming console numbers up. This week, push the Next Gen consoles and loop it into your favorite game.” And then, because of who I was as a boss, I could name their favorite games… I could say, “Bono, you love multiplayer. Push the Next Gen connectivity and attach Gold Membership Cards to the sale. Dave, you love the Console as Entertainment center. Push the Playstation’s Blu Ray Player and Surround Sound. If you need to go to HT to attach speakers and HDMI; don’t even ask, just take the customer over there.”
  

• I will never get over or learn to accept the bullshit of Private Practice pay hours. My “required daily summary to China” has 15 tasks completed on it. My billing form for the week thus far has 55 items. I still haven’t broken 12 hours. GRANTED I said Private Attorneys have difficulty getting between 4 and 5 hours per day. But this firm requires four to five hours per day. So… if I only get 3 to 4 hours per day? Firm is significantly unhappy. And maybe that is where a lot of my own feelings about and for this place stem from. I’m not happy here; they aren’t happy with me here. I stay because I don’t have anywhere else to go. They keep me because, so far, it is easier than firing me. So you have the worst possible scenario. We’re stuck with each other. And they have all the power.

• There’s a part of me that sees this job thing similarly to what happened with Aoife. I made some mistakes, I followed the wrong impulses, and then the opportunity disappeared forever. In fact… it feels like even before I ever met Aoife that is what my life was. Just a series of stupid choices, wrong impulses, and missed opportunities. But as opposed to my clients, whose missed opportunities resulted in such catastrophic consequences that they either (1) got clean or (2) became wards of the State.... my missed opportunities never got me into any serious trouble. They just got me stuck. I suppose it is almost Buddhist or Hindu in a sense. Like whittling at a campsite… each molecule of wood has one of three fates. (1) Become something beautiful by staying a part of the item being whittled; (2) Become free into the ether by falling into the fire and being burned up; (3) Becoming trapped on the ground by falling into the mud around the fire pit. And while everyone wants to be Item 1, some are Item 2. They are burned up; returned to the air. Then there are Item 3. Growing up, I thought “being Item 3” meant you were ordinary, common. Something to avoid. Ordinary and common sound pretty good right now. Or at least… what ordinary and common meant twenty years ago. If I had the money, the creativity, and the crew… I would travel this country documenting the Millennial Struggle. People blame them, people celebrate them… it is a “Hack Writers Out” to churn out article after article as to why they are terrible. I just… want to catalogue the experience. Mark the transition. Show ourselves and the generations before and after us… what this time was like. As it was happening. As opposed to seeing Nostalgic TV and Movies in 20 years claiming “Trump’s America: The Last Great Stand for Whites” or some shit.

• Someone mentioned that I compare myself; I look to the greener grass. And it is true. But I do so with reflection. For instance, my friend in the Air Force hates her life. My friend working at PetCo in Chicago hates her job but loves her life. I get that there are a dozen different ways things could play out. And that is my bigger problem. I know there are a dozen different ways my life could play out… I just can’t shake the feeling that of all those varied ways? I’ve found my way to one of the poor ways.

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