writing to write in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I always get weird in the fall…the world gets darker and colder.
I have strange floods, memories, they rush in and fill me up and make me cold and wet.
I miss my grandparents.
I miss actual seasons and actual cold weather and snow.
I mean, right now…I miss it right now, I know I don’t actually want to live there again.

It’s kind of like how I miss her right now, but I don’t actually want to be with her again.
Amanda, I mean.
I’ve been thinking about her all day for some reason.
I wonder why she doesn’t have any pictures of her husband on instagram.
I wonder why she still stalks my instagram…it’s the only reason I started looking at hers, I got word that she was looking at mine.
I wonder I wonder I wonder.

I wonder why I’m even writing right now.

I guess just to practice writing again.
And also to keep some sort of document of the stuff that I do, for…no reason.
There’s no reason to be doing this.

Let’s see…
I went to some cool art installation Friday night with a bunch of friends, we took a lot of pictures and had a good time and then ate some food.
I didn’t drink because I haven’t been drinking since my last therapist visit.

Last night I went to LA and saw Thrice and Circa Survive, that was pretty fucking cool.
I ate an edible and got pretty stoned and just enjoyed the music.
Thrice kicked some pretty hard ass, and so did Circa Survive, except I haven’t really been following Circa for a long time, I really only liked their first two albums, so I wasn’t familiar with a lot of the material that they played.

I was pretty sure there was going to be a mass shooting at the concert.
I don’t know why, but all night I was just absolutely certain of it.
At one point, inbetween acts, someone came on the PA and announced that we should take a moment to look around and familiarize ourselves with all of the exits, and I was just like “Holy shit, what do they know that we don’t?”

But nothing happened.
We just went to In-N-Out and drove home.

But yeah…I’ve been trying to have some sober fun.
I’m trying to get into a “healthy place” whatever that means.
I’ve never been in one.
I wouldn’t even know it if I got to one, I don’t think.

Eff.

I’m tired.

I love you.

• Dane