Humbug in 2017

I’ve sat here for the better part of two weeks trying to formulate words to mark the closing of October. The end of infant loss awareness month. I’ve got nothing poignant. My baby is gone and it fucking sucks. This year of firsts....ugh. I helped in Fiona’s classroom today, and most of my day was pretty decent and busy. Then....bam. The black hole of missing her hits. She would be very close to walking, if not already. Last night I read a beautiful piece, musing that our lost babies volunteered to go to Heaven. Strong, brave, our babies chose to go so that others might stay with their parents. Yesterday that was comforting to me....today, it feels like horseshit.

The ache of longing for another baby (not the Ivy longing…thats different) is heavy again. Im in a small close-knit mom group. There are about 40 of us. Someone is almost always pregnant. But we just had our first set of twins in the group. They were early, but are doing well in the nicu. Another mama in that group has a new twin pregnancy.

Other people’s pregnancies leave me feeling sad. And I cant say that wouldnt be the case even if I had a 9 month old Ivy in my arms…but I think the sadness is just expounded by her loss. I’m the crazy lady that is begging God to trust another baby into my care. Statistics are not in my favor. But still I bargain. My husband still needs to take the follow up test to make sure the vasectomy worked…but he doesnt seem eager to do it (its been over a year). And maybe I dont want to hear that news anyway.

So yeah, in a couple days I intend to come back and talk about how much joy Ivy brought me in my short time with her…but my mindset just isnt there right now.