Happy Year of The Horse! in Everyday Ramblings

When I woke up on Monday morning about the last thing I wanted to do was clock into work. I was emotionally exhausted from struggling with being face to face with a whole bunch of emotional insecurities all weekend.

“Am I going to be able to draw enough students to cover the yoga studio rental? Am I going to survive five and a half more years in this exhausting job? How am I going to deal with this aging thing? How can my older sister be turning 70?!? That is just absurd. “

(Little did I know Bruce was planning on shutting down Open Diary or I would have thrown losing that critical mechanism for self-expression and support into the mix too...)

But mostly of course the insecurities were centered on Mr. Fine China. Why do we have no additional plans to see each other? Was it the way I make tea? Was it the fact that his place is clean and organized and gorgeous and my place is practical and not properly furnished and rented and that I don’t have a car and don’t drive and am too old and…

I was tired from work and even though I totally enjoyed teaching on Friday I had no students on Sunday and had walked 7 miles on Saturday taking pictures like the one above and the one I just posted on OD and so on Sunday late afternoon when I threw myself out of the house and went walking up the Parkway listening to the last five hours of my dark but engaging audiobook The Invisible Bridge about Hungary during WWII and the plight of its Jews as told through the eyes of an architecture student and something very sad happened in the story, I just burst into tears and turned around and came home.

I turned off the book and just kept asking Why? Why? Why?

When I got home I looked at my phone and there were three texts from Mr. Fine China completely out of the blue… “Hope you are enjoying the nice weekend. Yesterday was a workday. Today is a day of getting house in better order. Baked corn meal muffins for bfst. Went to laudromat to wash n dry bedspreads so I can get bedroom back together. (His son just moved out for a job in Seattle.) Will sweep tree debris off driveway and see if I can get tax returns done… I know – a pretty exciting weekend for me! Hope yours has been more fun! :)”

I am going through throes of abject emotional agony and he is happily making corn meal muffins.

We ended up, after I settled down, texting back and forth about Sherlock Holmes all evening, but basically that has been it. One back and forth text I initiated about being busy on Tuesday.

One of the things that did occur to me that afternoon alone in the yoga studio was that I had many tools available to help with my mood and affect and sense of well being that I was not taking advantage of.

Today I took a much needed vacation day with everybody’s blessing and besides just plain resting, found some chants and visualizations that can help with this whole mass of insecurities.

This interaction with The Plate Guy has woken my restless internal pony, which is appropriate here as we move into the new lunar year and I am going to need some help letting her go wild across the unfolding spring. May it be so.

Wish me luck. :)

May your Lunar Year be auspicious and full of desires well met and fulfilled.