Nocturne at Allegro in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

It is amazing what you can learn from people who feel less observed. Last night, when Chinese Boss left the office for the last time for the next 17 days, I saw our two Chinese Employees visibly relax for the first time ever. Her departure signaled to them the way a moving storm’s dissipation signals to a battered town! Chinese Assistant broke out into the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on the young man, and Muse looked down right elated. They were… overjoyed. Which, again, makes me wonder… perhaps Chinese Boss isn’t an indicator of China as much as she is an indicator of her family. Perhaps what I have been attributing to culture (professional culture: Lawyer; origin culture: Chinese) should simply be attributed to the common and normal course of these things (her mother was a controlling, demanding woman with unreasonable expectations so she is too).

So as White Boss had left around 3 and Chinese Boss left around 5; I decided to leave around 5:30. Yes, despite Chinese Boss saying there was nothing more I could do to assist… I remember my “lessons” well. I was lectured for “leaving before Assistants or Bosses” so… I don’t anymore. Which creates a few too many “Tiny Town Moments” of sitting in an office with nothing to do simply because someone else demands you be in the office. Primary Difference was… in Tiny Town, I was on Salary. It made sense. I am a representative of the government, I should be available to the people; therefore, whether I have work or not, I should be in my office during office hours. Here there is no such logic other than Office Space logic. Here, I make no additional money staying in the office and have no responsibility or duty to anyone to simply sit… so Office Space Logic: “That’s my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.”

Then I went home. This cold is still kicking my ass pretty hard, so I just went straight to the bedroom to watch TV until Wife got home. She came home, crawled into the bed (which is rare) and just kind of lay there in silence. THIS kind of behavior I know how to deal with. I put an arm around her and asked what happened. She said that she had broken down sobbing at work. There came a moment during the day where she just sort of stopped and realized… “If Chris quits his job and can’t get another one, or can’t get another one with health insurance… there is no way I can go back to school, or try to look for whatever it is that I’d want to do… I’d be trapped. I’d be trapped at Wal Mart.” And that made her cry. I tried to be encouraging. I tried to let her know that there is still every possibility that I’ll get a good offer and health insurance. I think she believed that I was hoping for it. I don’t think I was able to sell that I was confident about it. Then she said what I’ve been saying here… but her hopelessness, her heartbreak, and her tears just… made it all the more powerful. She said, “We’ve just been pushing so hard for so long. We deserve a break. At least one of us. Both of us need one. We just really need something to go right. We need to set up our lives… careers and planning for a future… not just survival and always hoping that tomorrow might not suck as bad as today!”

She’s right. Hoping that tomorrow might not suck, and it usually doing just that… is taxing. It takes a high toll on people. Just this morning, I was asked how long ago my hair cut was. Honest answer that came to mind? “Like a month ago.” It was last Saturday! It was less than 7 days ago. When your days feel like weeks… something is wrong. So not for the first time:
Father God and Jesus Christ, our Lord, it is written that You planned my very existence and knew me before the day of my birth. You have been friend, family, mentor, and guide throughout my life and at the end of my days, I hope to be welcomed into your kingdom. I thank you for your patience with me through all of my own bullshit and I owe you a debt beyond payable for your forgiveness. Now I beg You for the light that I so earnestly need in my life. You know these things without being told, but from the lips of your servants you hear our spirits. My wife is in great pain and I struggle sometimes more than I can bear. While I wish to be a servant of yours and a light for your people; I cannot do either without your light and assistance. Whatever reason you have had for our current state; please lift it. Give my wife peace, hope, and a path that she can embrace to joy and relief. I beg you, deliver to me the path that will lead to a life better able to serve my loved ones. A broken, hateful, exhausted, and dying man could not have been your plan for me. Help me to find that plan and heal. I offer myself to You now, trusting in Your wisdom and love to direct me in working out my salvation and in helping others to know and come close to You, so that I may find my reward in union with You for ever and ever. Amen.

Then, of course, I had a series of nightmares last night!
I won’t bore you with all of them because the following (the last nightmare I had) is a good representative.
It was now, I was 33 and still had the education and experiences of modern me. But I was working at Dahl’s Grocery Store (which was still a thing). It wasn’t a “as if I had never quit when I was 18” but more… I had gone and done everything I had in life… and then returned. I was already late for my “first” shift as a Cashier, so I ran in and clocked in. Raced to my first register and… there were already customers waiting there. It was a 7 a.m. shift; nobody was at that register before me… people had just… decided to queue for a register that wasn’t open. I was my usual cheery self, greeting the customers and ringing them up… but the Produce Ring Up was all different. It used to be that each item of produce would have a sticker with a number. You’d type in the number, the scanner would weigh the produce, and that is how you got the price. This new system required the cashier to use The Big Book of Produce, match the item to its picture, scan the bar code under the picture… and then the scanner would weigh the produce to give you a price. It took MUCH longer and seemed painfully unnecessary. I made a joke about it to a customer and they responded with, “Well, it isn’t like you can expect people in your position to read numbers.” Still not sure if that was genuine or sarcasm. So it was a rough first hour reacquainting myself with the old and the new. THEN we had a customer who it seemed bought the whole freaking store. First thing to go through the scanner was a dark blue bottle that said “Aquavit” which I was almost certain was an aftershave! But try as I might, the register would NOT scan anything after that damned bottle. Finally, taking pity on me the Bagger called a manager over to help. Aquavit, it turns out, has a high enough alcohol concentration to require OVER 21 ID and I needed to get the person’s Social Security Number to verify their age in the New System. Sounded like an unnecessary hassle. We got through that little issue okay. The Bagger was being overwhelmed though as the customer had purchased so much it took up multiple full carts. The customer brought two to their car and asked the Manager to make me bring the other two. The Bagger was still working on loading the final two (so 6 in all). The manager made me do it, despite more people in line waiting to check out. The customer had gotten a fair sight ahead of me and… simply got into their car. Didn’t drive it, didn’t pull up. Just took the carts to the car, and got it. As I approached with the other 2 carts, the driver simply said “In back please. Thanks.” Guh. So I unloaded 4 carts into the car for this person as fast as I could, then turned to run back to the store. Which was now further away. SO, I got into Gorilla Pose (a strangely familiar pose for me in dreams; using my hands and feet to run) and raced back to the store. Of course, my hands were now covered in dirt and I considered just going back to my register without washing them. I figured I didn’t want to get fired on the first day, so I checked on the Bagger (who was finishing the 6th and final cart) and went to the Employee Area to wash my hands. As I passed the Staff Scheduler, I saw a name (irl, I can’t remember it) that was damned familiar. Upon seeing that name, I blurted out… “this is just like a dream I’ve had before” and raced towards the Deli section expecting to find the love of my life waiting for me.

THAT IS WHEN I WOKE UP. And the overwhelming, unavoidable emotional feeling I got from the dream was abject failure. I can’t exactly say why. But the entire dream made me feel like a complete and utter failure in everything that had ever mattered.

Funny side-story about that dream… the bottle really DID say “Aquavit” but I didn’t recognize the word at all. So when I woke up, I had to google it. Here is what google said, about an item in a dream I’d never heard of:: Akvavit or aquavit is a flavoured spirit that is principally produced in Scandinavia, where it has been produced since the 15th century. Akvavit gets its distinctive flavour from spices and herbs, and the main spice should (according to the European Union) be caraway or dill. It typically contains 40% alcohol by volume. The EU has established a minimum of 37.5% ABV for akvavit to be named as such.[2]

Then I had an early morning hearing. I got to it 20 minutes early. To discover it had been moved back a full 90 minutes. Super. At least that plays into my big goal. I figure it would be very fitting and important if the first day the Bosses weren’t here was my best “hours billed” of the week. A nice little way of saying, “If you helped me, we could be a more profitable firm. But by just being jerks all the time; you’re just not doing anyone any favors.” It isn’t even that steep of a goal. To make today the best Billable Day of the week I only have to bill more than 4.8 billable hours. And with 1.5 billable hours already taken care of I just need to find 3 and a half hours of work and that should take care of an even 5 hour billable day. And considering how much Chinese Boss was harping on me to pay attention to her Private Clients to the detriment of my Appointed Clients… I have a feeling that I’ll easily be able to find 3.5 billable hours working those cases today.

As I did have an early hearing; I strolled into the office around 11-ish. I expected jokes about “Now that the bosses are out, you aren’t in at 8? lol” But none were to be found. Because no people were to be found. Every other attorney is not in the office today. The office is dark. The occupants of this office area today are ME and another firm’s Secretary. That is the entire staff presence in an office that houses 3 separate law firms. Happy Friday!

So I figure my plan of attack for the day will be to grab some (much needed) food and drink. Get back to the office and hammer through all of my pending appointed cases. Wrack up at least 3.5 hours and head home early. Fingers crossed at least. Hope that is how it plays out.