Name Change. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I had to change my name. I googled myself and this diary was linked on like…the third bullet point.

I didn’t think I cared that much about being discreet, but it turns out I do.

I had another dream about “her” last night.

“her” === my last ex. “her” === “Lauren”

Her and I were cuddling on a couch, and I just remember I was so happy to be with her again…until she started telling me about all of her new friends.

“Love me, love me, love me, love me…I need more.”

Man…I thought I had more to write about.
When I got home I had this entire overflowing well of information to spill onto a digital page.

When I got home I had this insufferable urge to take a drink.

I took a drink.
And then another one.
And then another one.
And now I am still drinking.

I made it three days without a drink…three and a half if you want to get technical.

It seems like if I have to work, if I have a reason not to drink, it is easy not to drink.
But, here I am, standing on the precipice of three days off in a row…and I have no one to come home to.
I have no animals to come home to.
I have no great and close and promising friends to hang out with.
I have no one to impress.
I just have this…this empty fucking existence.

As I got off work today I was driving home and I realized I have nothing.
I have nothing to lose.
I have nothing to gain.

I hope I wake up tomorrow feeling like shit.
I hope I wake up tomorrow feeling like I make terrible decisions.
I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow.

…

I’m sorry.

I love you.

-Dane