Poem in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

I’m.... a little desperate for communication. I haven’t spoken to my brother or his family since The Wedding; I haven’t seen my parents since my Dad’s eye surgery… and at best I get 40 minutes with Wife every other day. So I find myself trolling facebook, and constantly refreshing comments on Prosebox. Otherwise… the only interactions I have are with Chinese Boss, White Boss, or Chinese Assistant. But… it is funny. I think Chinese Assistant is beginning to understand what is going on. Because he has been infinitely nicer and more friendly with me lately.

AND I know my current Doom and Gloom and End of Days mentality seems premature. Yes, I have applied to a dozen places to work and none of them have called me. But simultaneously… it has only been 3 weeks. Hell, some of these places… it has only been 3 days. But… frankly… it is me. The last time I received news quickly was Law School Acceptance. Ever since then? Received my JD in 2014. First Law Job wasn’t earned until 2016. That is a two year wait to get a job. Then from there? I started looking for a new job (trying to get us back Home to DM) in August or September of 2016. Only job that hired me was the one I’m trying to escape from now… and that took 7 months to find. And here are the two statements that need to be made
(1) I won’t survive a full year at this job. I’ll either be fired, or disbarred, or die. The schedule, the lack of insurance, the Out of Pocket Expenses, and the Unpaid work adds up to an untenable position.
(2) Wife hits 15 years at Wal Mart next year. This cannot happen. I appreciate that it is her responsibility to take the leap and make the decision to change her life. I appreciate that. BUT she wouldn’t be the woman I married if she didn’t think through all the consequences of that action. AND I can’t exactly blame her or make her feel bad if she decides that at least ONE of us needs to be employed with health insurance before she quits Wal-Mart. And for those who say “Just use ACA”… read this: In Iowa there is now only ONE company that accepts ACA and Iowa has withdrawn a proposal to prevent premiums from “rising as high as 20%”. So… yeah, health care is a big deal.

So here I sit. Writing something over and over again so Chinese Boss thinks it is good enough before she reads it. And writing this over and over again. That I am sick. That I am depressed. That I am sad. That I am in need of work that fits (what I once thought) was a generalized mold.

JOB STUFF FOR THE DAY
So, the communication I tend to receive is like what White Boss just sent me. “I want this in writing so it gets done. I want X filed and, if this is a thing that gets filed, I want Y to get filed.”
So… you know what you could have said? “Hey, I asked you to file X yesterday, just wanted to follow up?” Because the minute I was asked I did it. Yes, the computer system in the Courts hasn’t approved it yet. The computer system in the Courts is approving 1 of every 20 things sent in because it is catching up from being down. But still… the… “I assume you’re incompetent and don’t follow directions” tone has gotten… VERY played out.

Further, you know that writing thing that boss hasn’t read but still got SUPER pissed that I only spent 4 hours on? KNOWING she wanted me to do more hours here… knowing I could get a lot of hours just… free… essentially… I did my best to research, re-write, re-organize… really put my back into making it a finished draft. And I still spent only another 2.3 hours. So that project that was supposed to take 10 Hours and was inexcusable that I took less than 5? At my best and most dedicated… it took 6.3. So… I am already gearing up for the wonderful earful that will come from that. “YOU AREN’T DOING A GOOD JOB!” Did you read it? If not that, did you read my extensive notes explaining every change and every time I kept something the same? Because… yeah. I did that. I wrote out my entire thought process. So… if you still see my “lack of time” as carelessness or apathy… I can’t help you. Because I was so careful and cared so much that I justified my every decision to you preemptively. So… yeah. Suck my roasted fat one.

Follow Up: Chinese Boss told me to file something that White Boss said shouldn’t have gotten filed? Not surprisingly, I’m the one that gets thrown under the bus professionally. “My associate jumped the gun. I know he didn’t do it right, but please just fix this version I’m sending you so we can avoid a sentencing hearing.” THANKS! I would say “I guess this firm doesn’t care about me at all” but they’ve literally told me that. Remember when I was an Assistant County Attorney… if I made a mistake, d’you know what would happen? I’d get a phone call from the clerk, they would tell me what to change, and that would be the end of it. D’you know what could happen in a law firm if I make a mistake? The firm tells me what the problem is, tells me what to change, and that would be the end of it. They don’t (1) let it go just to (2) yell at me after the fact and then (3) advertise to the Courts that I made a mistake. That feels… decidedly unprofessional.