Emotions Blocking in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

My emotions do not work in my favor sometimes. I’m still pretty angry. Was angry last night and couldn’t get to sleep. Of course, first thing this morning the Investigator had found what I needed and the whole damned thing was resolved before Chinese Boss even walked in to the office. So… she didn’t need to get worked up, I didn’t need to get worked up… but that is the whole bloody problem. They assume my mistakes or failures to meet their expectations are due to laziness, incompetence, or apathy. Truth is: I wouldn’t be in the office from 8 to 6 if I was lazy. Truth is: I wouldn’t be able to keep so many of my clients out of jail if I were incompetent. Truth is: I’m an acceptably passable attorney because my clients are very aware that I care about their case. So… the issue is that I (1) lack significant fundamental experience; (2) work with people who hold themselves out to be “supervising attorneys” and yet are so burnt out and overworked (and still keep going) that White Boss has cases he doesn’t even know about yet… thus why he asks me to track his calendar; thus (3) when I make a mistake, it isn’t “he doesn’t know how to do this, tried to pull a rabbit out of his ass, and it got stuck” they instantly think “why is this so shitty?”

D’ysee what I did there? Maybe a “graphic” joke but… did you see what I did there? Because it is accurate. They expect me to pull something out of my ass; then ask me why it is shitty.

So… I’m burnt out already. Not exactly, but kind of. Like… the kind of burnt out around the Holidays when I was working retail. I’ll keep coming in, I’ll keep doing the best job I can, and I’ll keep caring about the work… but the enthusiasm I would have once shared, the commitment I would have once held… yeah, that’s gone. Just in time for their big to-do.

I have come to a decision, though. This job would be easier to deal with if there was not a language barrier. I would have no problem explaining to a client why they need to take a Deferred Judgment versus Fighting the Charge. And if that person said, “Screw that, I want to fight this” I could handle it. But when a supervising attorney tells me that the client isn’t taking the deal… I have to explain it to the boss. Who thinks I’m lazy or not trying hard enough. When the truth is… the client has no case. There is no case. A deferred judgment keeps her out of prison and allows her to continue the opportunity to have a clean record in a year’s time. So… if the choices are “Bottle of Poison” versus “Warm Beer”… chose the warm beer!

Though… discussing that case reminded me of something that… Bosses would say “makes me a bad lawyer!” Every county does everything just a little bit different. For example, in Story County and Polk County, an individual is required to appear for any and all scheduled court appearances. In Boone and Pocahontas… that isn’t the case. I did not recall this until recently. I asked the Prosecutor in (County Redacted) and she said that an appearance normally wouldn’t be required. Well… we had already scheduled our client and I to be there. So… that would have been a nightmare level chewing out. Our client flew in from New York to attend a hearing that will take us 6 hours roundtrip drive for a charge she refuses to plead to. That could have been bad, bad, bad. BUT… EDMS is still down. Totally down. So the judge is requesting that people “show up if they can” so that we can keep everything sorted. Saves my bacon a bit. But at the same time… I can’t help but hope that the expense of this hearing will convince the client to consider the plea.

AND THEN… because there is always an “AND THEN”

So… if I don’t take care of cases quickly, I’m not doing a good job. But I was asked to write something the Firm hadn’t done before… I researched it… in Iowa it said “Signed Consent forms and a statement. Secretary of State does not require any specific language nor has specific forms as the process simply needs unanimous consent.” So… after an hour of research and the State Government telling me “You’re overthinking it”, I submitted drafts to my boss. What I did not know was that she was making a draft of it as well based on her research. Let me tell you… the two could not be more different. Mine looks like your Uncle Bill write it. Hers looks like an Attorney wrote it. So I get an earful that I didn’t do my research properly. ::sigh:: If the State Government says “You’re overthinking it” then… I am going to trust that. At least she left with a compliment of sorts. I’m good with words, she’s good with the law. So at least I’m good with words?

And again I say… this is why I am wondering if I should stay in the law. I mean… I know I can do some of it. I won my first jury trial without any supervision or assistance. I was an Assistant County Attorney for a year with little aid. I’ve routinely won the respect and cooperation of my English Speaking clients. But… still. This stuff makes me wonder if I should stay in the law. Like… these people are sociopaths and can turn on a dime… but then, this is a field that attracts people like that.

I hate feeling like this. Shock to all, I know. It is the ultimate… just… bad place to be personally. I want to be a good attorney. So I need to learn. But this place feels like every mistake is met with “You suck!” and any positive is “Do your job!” But then, that is likely every place. But then, this place demands all of my time… literally all of it… and is unwilling to compensate me for most of it. But then, that is likely every private practice place. So… what it comes down to is: I’m miserable here. My suicidal ideation has steadily increased because my body pain has steadily increased because the time I have available to take care of myself has steadily decreased because in order to earn any money at all I need to increase my work hours… the bottom line is… I’m not thriving here and I’m not getting paid and I’m not gaining much of anything.

And then things happen that are prime examples of my suckitude. All week I’ve been worried about a cases that I didn’t know if I’d filed on and couldn’t check to fix because EDMS was down. I discover that I didn’t file on something; try to fix it; Chinese Boss comes to me and asks “Why didn’t you do this?” I don’t know. “Why didn’t you do this?” I forgot. “Why didn’t you do this?” I don’t know. As she walks away she tells White Boss “He’s still not doing the simple things that he should know how to do without our instruction.” AND she’s right. I know that need to file XYZ at certain points. So why didn’t I? What is wrong with me?

That’s where I am today. How ‘bout you?