Sunday Morning in New Diary

I have not been doing well at all. Anxiety has been through the roof. I have been feeling very restless and on edge. I have been getting this feeling that something terrible is going to happen. I have all these thoughts going through my head I cannot relax. I been having a hard time getting some sleep. Things hae not been good at all

My biggest fear is that I will not be able to get my meds. Something screwed up somewhere along the line. One day last week I phoned in a refill of Dexilent to my pharmacy. They were telling me that my Medicare was cancelled. I had a hell of a time getting it refilled. My case manager came down. She made some phone calls. She called the pharmacy and medicade. it turns out that I am going to start a with a new agency on December 1. Humana is the name. In the meantime how am I going to get my meds!?

MY case manager said that I am covered. Iam not too clerar as to by whom. She gave me some numbers. I am supposed to give them to the pharmacy when I call in a prescription. I talked with a Humana representative last Friday. She talked with my case manager on the phone. I think I will be covered on this one plan on November 1. But this Humana representative told me that they will not cover my meds this month. I think my case manager said I will be covered. I feel as though I am getting two different stories.

I keep thinking the worse is going to happen. I keep thinking I will not be covered at all. I will not be able to get my meds. . Anxiety and depression will get so bad I will end up in the hospital. Chocolatechip said I could go to this one place called Change. Still somebody will have to pay for the frigging meds. I don’t have the money to pay for the full price. Anyway I keep thinking that I am going to be royally screwed.

I have also been worried about getting through the month with enough food. I have food to eat . Chocolatechip said she will buy some groceries tomorrow. But I still worry we will not have enough to get by I was looking at my expenses for this month. I have already spent $134 something on groceries. I have about $40 more available. I will be spending a total of $174 on groceries this month. But if you look at my freezer and cupboards you would think I don’t have any food at all. I keep wondering where in the hell did it all go I guess this is an irrational fear. I know I will have enough for at least one meal a day but I still worry about the damned food.

Then I am worrying about getting a worker. I think I am between agencies. I talked with my case manager about it. She said she will make some phone calls. She will try to find another agency. This has been last Friday when she was down for a home visit. So far I haven’t heard from anything I told her I didn’t get good service with my current agency. When my worker would report off or go on medical leave they would not put in for a replacement. I went for days without a worker. I keep wondering if I will ever be get with another agency and I will be screwed.

Well I also worry about the usual stuff. I get all of these thoughts in my head and then run wild. I talk with my case manager about this. She was saying that I can develop tools that will deal with these thoughts. I told her I do breathing exercises. I told her that I calm myself down my listening to music on You tube . Once I calm myself down I start to read. I get involved in a good book and I forget about everything.

Well this is what is basically going on. Things have been screwed up especially about the meds. I do not know what in the hell is going on with that. I will know Tuesday when I phone in for more meds. I will either be covered or I wont be covered. Worrying about it will not affeft the outcome. My rational self knows that. But my irrational self has taken over at least with this issue. I really am worried and confused about the entire situation.