When I came home last night... in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

…you wouldn’t make love to me. You went fast asleep, you wouldn’t even talk to me. You say I’m so crazy coming home intoxicated…I said, “I just want to love you” (I just want to love you, baby) I guess that’s why I’m so elated.

Rick James is kind of my thing.

Every time this song would come on I would have to stop what I was doing and immediately start stripping…and dancing…strip dancing…I think they call it “stripping”. Oh no, wait, I think they call it “dancing”. I don’t know…but I’ll tell you one thing: I get pretty damn disappointed when I go to a “dance party” and everyone has their clothes on.

I also get disappointed when I go to the beach.
Just…in general.

Don’t get me wrong, I really really really strongly like the beach, but my problem is that before I get to the beach I always think I LOVE the beach, and then I get there and it’s really hot and the water is radioactive and there are a lot of tourists around and they’re all like “Fuck me, look at that water! Look at this sand! Fuck me!” and I’m always upset that they use the f-word so much.

I’m sensitive.

You know what, though? As I was typing this I realized I actually love the beach at night. I have a special word for it, I call it “Night-Beach”. I made it up myself.

I actually love that shit…it’s not hot at all, and there aren’t any tourists, and the water glows because it’s radioactive.

“I said oooooooh girl, shock me like an electric eel”

I’m trying to dump all of my stupid thoughts onto this website instead of Facebook because Facebook is ruining my god damn life…I mean, it’s not…like, I AM RUINING MY GOD DAMN LIFE, but Facebook is this vehicle that makes it so easy.

FB - “Wanna go on a joy ride?”

me - “I can’t, I’m too busy hating everything in the world right now.”

FB - “Wanna do that publicly and worry all of the people in your life who care about you?”

me - “I mean…no?”

FB - “TOO LATE, BITCH!”

and then suddenly it’s all just posted out there for literally the entire world to see…because I am friends with the entire world. All 300 something of you.

Holy shit, what if the world was actually only 300 people deep? Could you imaging what getting to work would be like? There would be no one on the roads, so you would get there super quick, and also by the time you got there there would be nothing to do because most jobs kind of depend on there being billions of people…

…Oh, and also you probably wouldn’t actually get anywhere quick because cars would probably not have been invented…and catching a horse is super hard.

Okay. cool. I feel like this was a success.

I’m going to go poo my dog now.
I feel like I should have said “I’m going to go walk my dog now” but It’s not like I’m taking him on a walk for any other reason than to poo…I feel like a lot of dog owners are constantly lying to themselves about what exercise actually is.

I love you.

• Dane

Last updated October 17, 2017