I'm way less drunk than I've been lately. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

Every time I see my psychiatrist I have to lie to her about how much alcohol I drink and I fucking hate lying…so I’ve started to kind of hate going to see my psych.

She’s like, “I don’t want you altering your brain chemistry…except for these highly potent drugs that I am going to recommend to you that are going to completely change your brain chemistry.”

This
Is
Necessary.

Lately I’ve really been missing companionship. Like, cuddling…and maybe even sex…shhhhhhhh, don’t tell anyone. Oh man, it might even be nice to get some smooches, and then we can get our sloppy nasty spit in eachothers mouths and we can taste what the other person had for breakfast and then talk about it like, “Oh, you taste kind of like old eggs and sushi, did you have eggs for breakfast and sushi for lunch? That tastes pretty great. You make some pretty good dietary decisions, we should probably take this to the bedroom.”

I think that’s how it works.

And then you get to the bedroom and one of you takes your clothes off and does a few squats for a moment while the clothed person kind of spots, and then it’s time for the naked person to put their clothes back on and the clothed person needs to get naked now to do some squats, and then it’s time for bed.

I think that’s how it works.

I watched some video last night about a lady telling the world all of the benefits of having sex with your dog…and she was being totally serious. I heard she’s in jail now, which is a good place to put someone who wants to have sex with dogs because there are mostly not any dogs in a human jail.

Can you imagine if they sentenced her to go the pound?
That would be crazy.
It’s like, “Oh, you like to fuck dogs? Here, go to a place that’s literally nothing but horny dogs.”

That’s like if someone liked to eat a lot of pizza and then you were trying to put them in jail but you just ended up putting them in a Pizza Hut.

It doesn’t make any sense.

I think maybe I’ll never have another girlfriend though…mostly because of all the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle stuff I own.

But mostly because I don’t think I have the time or energy for it. I just want to cuddle and be cuddled and get some smooches and then I WANT TO BE LEFT THE FUCK ALONE GOD YOU ARE SMOTHERING ME AND I SERIOUSLY CAN NOT STAND IT ANYMORE JUST BACK THE FUCK OFF!

I just want to listen to Smashing Pumpkins and wear eyeliner and grow my hair out over one of my eyes and cut your name in my forearm.

I don’t even like to masturbate anymore. Like, sometimes I try it and I’ll turn some porn on and it’s just like…two plastic bags full of ground meat slapping against eachotther, and the outsides of the bags are all covered in meat juice and little specks of meat go flying every time they collide and you’re worried about finding all of the little pieces before they start to rot because you already have a sensitive stomach and you are going to have a hard time eating and smelling that putrid smell all the time…I mean, you’re only human…you’re only a man…you’re only this collection of an incomprehensible amount of molecules just bound together by energy and the fact that you’re even aware of your own situation is in itself some sort of miracle that should prove God exists, except God is actually the devil and you are both of them.

All the stars are projectors.

Sometimes it really trips me out to think that we are all just made out of dead stars and the only reason we are alive is because of the light and warmth of stars so it’s kind of like we are the ghost of stars living inside baby stars.

Sometimes I listen to Taking Back Sunday and daydream about my ex fiance and I imagine that she was the most perfect and beautiful thing in my life and I somehow fucked it up and lost the plot and it’s all my fault and it’s the worst thing that ever happened to me…and I only think about this because I forget about all of the bullshit she put me through and I forgot about how crazy she was and I forgot about how she was abusive physically and mentally and I forget that she hated me and cheated on me.

Well…

I don’t know if I want to write anymore.
I’ve been having a hard day.
I drove to the car dealership today, because I need to buy a new car, and I pulled up and just sat in my car trying to talk myself into going in for like twenty minutes and then one of the workers walked by my car and looked at me and I could tell he was like, “Fuck this guy, I’ll bet he doesn’t have any money, what’s he even doing here trying to buy a car?” Because I can read minds, so I was like.....I just like, left.

I just went home.

I can’t do anything.

I’m going to ask my dad to go with me because I can’t do anything.

I am a 32 year old baby.

Thanks for reading this.

I love you.

• Dane