MonNOOOO in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

I am in extreme pain. I can’t turn my head to the left and my lower back is killing me.
I just sat through a 2 hour Juvenile Removal Hearing that could be summarized as follows:
The State discovered that a man whose brother hung himself is using heroin to cope. This man has a child. The current Safety Plan says “This man can see his child as long as the visits are supervised. This man cannot sleep in the same house as his child.” The guy’s sister calls DHS and says “He isn’t abiding by your rules” but presents no evidence confirming her story. DHS removes the kids.

On my very painful walk back (pain is amplifying and in my right leg now as well)… I realized… I probably need to talk to a therapist. I hate my life, I have no idea what to do, and eating a gun is sounding more and more plausible. BUT that would be a “medical appointment interfering with work hours” so couldn’t possibly.

It is selfish, it is self-centered… it would be cruel to my wife and it would be cruel to the firm… but I’m thinking… I should quit here even IF I don’t get another job. I mean… honestly. And yeah, it is a lot about them but lately, it is also a lot about me.

Chinese Boss may get upset with me that she expects me to take twice as long to type than I do… and that bothers me. But at the same time, what she is saying is that… if I can type (made up numbers) 80 words per minute and she expects me to only type 40 words per minute… then what I should do is work for an hour, then bill 2. BUT THAT FEELS SO UNETHICAL. And that is a big, huge, giant fucking deal to me. I want to be an ethical attorney.

I’ve said it before but… Mom was right. These guys expect me to be shady and dishonest… because they have no problem doing that themselves. Which is why, yeah… I don’t exactly feel inspired to work my ass off. But they are also figuring that out, too, because they let me know they would start interviewing for new attorneys “just in case you get that other job.” Of course… I still hope I do. Shit damn, son… health insurance would be so good right now! Wife’s therapy would be cheaper, our pills would be cheaper, I could look into getting some therapy. Seriously Christ it would be nice to get back to some semblance of.... no, see, there I go again. Fuck it, I’ll finish the though. It would be nice to get back to some semblance of how things were in Tiny Town. Not exactly, I know that. Not exactly at all. But a job with regular and sane hours that paid a decent wage and gave me health insurance… and… hopefully/maybe interacting with people… that would be nice.

On a Career Site Wife wanted me to look at for her and asks to track salaries. I figured, why not and plugged mine in. Here’s what came back:

Annual Range for a Attorney in Des Moines, IA
National Average
$120,000

Des Moines, IA Average
$109,500

Above Average: $130k
Average: $78k
Below Average: $35k

And then there’s me… at $30k! GR.

I just… need to push through this. And try to think about possibly better days.