Sunday in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

As I write this it is 3:41 Central Standard Time.

It is a pretty nice day outside. I walked the dog in a Skyrim Loop so he was surprised. Skyrim Loop meaning.. you start one place, take all sorts of twists and turns without ever doubling back and yet still you end in the same place you started. I hope he liked it. I’m not quite up to a 2 hour wilderness hike level with him yet. lol

Wife is at work. I’ve been going back and forth between playing video games, doing some work for the firm, and taking my wife’s advice. New Euphemism for “handiwork“. I get that this isn’t new but… I was surprised last night when, after trying to approach the subject of sex, Wife suggested I masturbate more. Though, to be fair/honest… I started the conversation with “Why don’t we have sex more?” And her first statement was “Because I am a horrible person” The “I” in that being her. Which… I don’t know, I guess that means that she knows it is a her thing but that answer also doesn’t really help much.

I suppose I just realized… this is what it is to be privileged, have so many things going for you, and yet be miserable. Because the honest truth is… I do know how lucky I am. I am well-educated, I have no financial debt, I am secure in the knowledge that (were everything in my life to go wrong) I could count on my family to help and take care of me, I have access to plumbing and electricity and food, and if I contracted a terminal illness I would have access to quality doctors. In a million different ways I should be ecstatic about my life.

But the two places where I spend the most time and put in the most energy? Work and Wife. And woe exists in abundance on that level.

I do admit to a specific conversation in my head when I was taking the dog for a walk.

“I like it here. This city, this area. Taking the dog for a walk, I see lots of good houses and decent lawns. I see people taking care of their property. I see parks and little shopping areas. This is everything that Tiny Town wasn’t. When I walked through Tiny Town… I saw hopelessness. I saw homes that hadn’t seen a legal occupant in years. I saw squalor edging into the very heart of the area. This area is safe from that, for now at least. I want to stay here. I want to build a life here. I want to get a job that works and do whatever it is that my marriage needs. Which is ironic because I’m pretty sure I know what a big first step to that would be and it would be me getting a job with decent insurance allowing Wife to do as she pleased about Wal Mart. There is no certainty that such an action would be an epiphany. But as I have thought of it… We got married, Moved to Omaha, and didn’t have sex for three years. After I took the bar exam for the first time… sex re-entered our lives a little. In Tiny Town, we were doing a lot better. But here, getting closer and closer to how it was in Omaha. And the through line for all of it is “How convinced was she that she could leave Wal Mart.” After I took the bar, she had hope. In Tiny Town, she worked for Wal Mart because she wanted to (and because she was thinking that we would have to move out of Tiny Town by hook or by crook). Now that we’re back, she sees my work struggles and is more convinced that she won’t be able to leave. But that is also why I am so begging for this Assistant City Job to call me. I get it. 1 in a trillion chance. As likely to win the lottery. Foolish thing to want. BUT… Pay, Insurance, Staff, Government Job.... it would just fit so well. It would be a big step towards taking care of the things that need to be taken care of. But, again, long shot.”

Is it any wonder why I’m so… lacking in motivation in my work?