The More You Know in 2017

Fiona’s reading now, which is pretty cool to see. I’m pretty sure she’s had the tools to do it for a while now. But she needed the confidence to do it. Every day she brings a book from school to read to us. The very first time it was like pulling teeth! She finally allowed me to sit next to her to listen, but I couldnt look at her, or the book. LOL. That night in bed she proceeded to read two books to Matt and Orion. I think now that she knows she can, shes more willing to try. Cue conversations about how its okay to make mistakes....I think Ive got a little perfectionist on my hands.

Today I was looking back through texts I’d saved from my labor. Im thankful I’ve saved them, because my memory of it all is fuzzy. Reading the texts can remind me of things when I’m questioning. Theyre things I’ve already revisited a thousand times over, but my broken memory can never remember that I’ve already gone there. Over and over and over. This round of mind games has me angry about the fender bender the Tuesday before she was born still. The days before her delivery were spent calling insurance companies. And dealing with repair shops and rental cars. At the beginning of that hassle, Ivy was alive. The accident happened coming home from a prenatal appointment where my baby had a heartbeat. She moved once or twice in the minutes after the accident, so I opted not to go back to the hospital to be monitored. Would she be alive today if I had gone back? They would have likely had me go to L&D to get monitored (at best). Quick heart rate check, possibly an NST. Would the stress test have showed less movement than they were comfortable with, prompting discovery of the true knot in her cord? Instead of using that time after the accident to be hyper aware of my girl, I was stressed with the insurance stuff. Repairs. Needing to get new car seats. A rental car. Talking to insurance and the rental place back and forth, explaining that although my car was a sedan, not ALL sedans can fit 3 car seats across. My rental car needed that capability because I was due any day. In those moments my biggest concerns were how the rental/repairs would work when we were going to be so busy with an impending birth. I should have been focused on my baby.

I had no idea.

Is my brain remembering correctly that it took my midwife a bit longer than usual to find her heartrate?? How did I not realize I went through an entire labor without feeling her move? With this grief my brain needs something to blame. I need a reason. Should my midwife have discovered the cord? Did the stress from everything distract from my focus on her movements, contributing to her death? Fault of midwife? Of accident? Of me? Of God?

Miss not-so-religious. Turned to god, who admittedly has been a comfort to me since her death. But where was he before? If he wasnt responsible, he sure didnt save her. And if he wasnt responsible, then who? Am I being punished for something?

Pinning some fault on the midwife, or some fault on the accident itself......it doesnt change the outcome. But maybe a direction for the anger would give it more release? It would wreck lives that maybe dont need to be wrecked. And in the end, even with restitution....I have no baby.

But man. Wheres my ‘Im sorry your life sucks?’ Bah.