Inferior. in Your Face

I am a terrible stalker.

M does not want anything to do with his family, and he has reasons for that. Much as I dislike certain members of my own family, my desire is to distance them, so I can control what parts of me they have access to.

But ... And this is the part where you realise I cannot be trusted, and I cannot help myself, just like my mother, a trait I loathe.

One of M's brothers works with a friend of his. I am friends with M's friend on Facebook. M's friend is friend's with M's brother on Facebook. I think you all know where I am going here.

So, every now and then I sneak onto her page and have a look at her pictures. There are a couple of photos of that first brother, and a photo of the other brother. It's uncanny how they look like M. Each of them look totally different, but you can see the resemblance to M.

So tonight I googled the sister-in-law's name. She is a clinical psychologist in the same town that M and I lived in when we were in NY.

I know it's a very long shot that I will ever meet those member's of M's family. I have met his mother a few times, and anticipate meeting her a few more times. I worry that she won't approve of me being Australian (I honestly don't think she realised I was. We spoke very little, and based on the few words I uttered, she could have assumed I was from Boston). I don't want her to think that I dragged her son to Australia. I don't want her to think I was just looking for a green card. Most of all, I want to live up to my own expectations and have a job I am proud of, that I have earned. That is why I push myself so hard with work and study, because I want to earn the right to say that I am a lawyer.

I know I am being stupid. Worrying about something that hasn't happened, and probably won't happen. And why should I care about what they think, when M doesn't want them in his life? If he doesn't want them, then I don't want them either.

I guess it's just the usual "what if I'm not good enough" fear that I am having today. I am good enough. I am spectacular enough. And I shouldn't worry about what a person thinks I am worth, because someone who measures a person by that sort of thing isn't worth it.