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nothispenelope

Jan. in The Wonderland Years: 2011: entries, 1/2 done

Feb. 1, 2014, 4:25 a.m.
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* '2nd *

Happy Holidays!

whatever it is you celebrate.

I know it's small but also fitting'

'......it's something I want to work on. do more of.

I'd like to read more. Both as in, read more books and....spend more time reading. The latter first and if that turns into the former then great!

In an effort to do this I tried reading Les Mis but didn't get very far. I just couldn't get into it. Maybe I'll finish Jane Eyre, that's interesting. I want to read Emma and Tom Sawyer,,,,..or whatever book it is where he talks about his Aunt Polly.'

'I just found about an hour ago via FB.

Oh. i've been trying to ease yall into this year by posting entries that aren't as depressing. but.

So, apparently a classmate/acquaintance of mine from boarding school died and I've a pretty good idea how, as another, Arianna posted something along the lines of 'no matter what friends and family are just a phone call email away'.

So I didn't know either well. I remember the guy being nice though which is always a good way to remember someone. He was the only international student. from South America I think.

Oh, as for Arianna's post, she's eluding to the fact that he. er. offed himself. I'm 60 - 70% sure.

It's more that this is sad and a shock and wow he was around my age than oh I knew him and he was a great guy and I'll miss him. I mean I can always hope he was a greatguy but since I didn't know him well I really can't say. as to why he might've offed himself well. i don't know. He seemed like a pretty happy guy.

but people change after high school. i certainly did/have.

so that's it.

sorry to bring the bad news

[if anyone wants my FB, private note me for it please. thank you. :)] '

'3rd

actually I woke up about a half hour ago. it's 5 a.m. right now.

It's ok to say that right? that you're not great?

sorry. I'm a little sensitive right now.

So.......I feel like I haven't slept. I haven't really. not well. So the Night Terrors are back. yes this is new. I know it's all 'in my head' as they say.......but that doesn't mean it's not terrifying. Children can have nightmares that are the same way but they're still real to the children.

Night Terors um. god ok how do I explain this?..............they're someting your brain conjures up when you've got too much going on in order to deal with said situation.

So, yeah. they're a bit scary.

But, ya know? they don't come as often as they used to.

they're effected me ever since I saw Silent Hill. but over time I've found myself asking ok why is this happening? rather than running away from them.

Confronting it/them, in a way.

Maybe because it's warm in my place?........and in the movie the little girl was aflame and fire's warm, so.

I know that's simplistic........but my sister has a dream once in which she was cold. during the same conversation she mentioned her apartment had been cold. Or, someone dreams the school bell's ringing when in fact it's just their alarm. I have in fact dreamt that.

the waking world connects to the dream world

In a few hours I'll be more awake.which is.......well. then i'll be less sensitive.

As for Gustavo [the guy who'd passed] and the notes. Thank you for the notes, both on that entry and the one about reading.

It's more that it's a shock to realise that wow. someone my age can die. We all know that........but it doesn't really hit us. untill it happens.

in a few days something new will happen.

yeah it does make me sad. because of the way he might've died. I've been there myself. Again not lately and not as often. but I get that.

I have this great black and white poster, Forever27. And on it....Kurt Cobain looks so peaceful.

I was reading over the notes, one which read something along the lines of 'don't let it get you down........i know easier said than done'. for some reason I'm not immediatly attacking that. I'm not going 'oh who are you to tell me that?'

other than in that instance. which is just that, an instance.

I guess.....when I read that I thought 'deal with it how you see fit. there's no right or wrong answer'. People deal with things different ways.

It's not so much that things have happened that haven't agreed with me as.........it's a new year so why lay it on yall all at once?

although I'm sure [well i hope] you're interested in what's been going on with me'

'4th

so on a different note.......

I was thinking about this the other day. actually a day or 2 before new year's as I didn't have going-out plans. [holiday update coming soon].

So often we think 'oh if i don't go out' like, on a Friday or for a holiday we're like. i hate to use this word but, to quote Beck [the singer], a "loser". like oh everyone's going out so if i don't then I must not be important/not be enjoying myself. they're going out they're having fun. and what am I doing? sitting at home. wow.

they have a life and i don't.

yeah but not everyone's that social. I'm not.

But sometimes you're actually glad you stayed in. When it's cold, for instance. Yeah it can be boring but sometimes things that are exciting........aren't all that great.'

'so over the weekend I saw a movie and discovered new music.

I saw How Do You Know Sunday. I wouldn't reccomend it. I didn't like it couldn't figure out what genre it was supposed to be and it was confusing and boring. I thought it was supposed to be a romantic comedy so I was waiting for the romance which. never came. it wasn't very funny either...but it got some laughs from th e audience. I didn't understand what was going on between George and his dad.

The girl sitting in front of me was stunning so that bothered me. you know the kind. confident. has it all [together]. her hair looked soft.

So anyway.

I've discovered new music. i'm always discovering new music. Judy Collins, Janis Ian [well. they're new to me. love them both. Janis Ian is amazing], Janiva Magness [blues. i can't listen to her for too long], Anna Ternheim, Audra Mae and.........Carla Bruni. i don't understand French but I like her music. Apparently 'send in the clowns' was written for Judy Collins. she's......however old she is and she's still got it. Anna Ternheim reminds me of Tori Amos, a lot of heavy piano and sweetness.'

'The Snugee.

omygod.

My sister gave me one for Christmas. I got such a kick out of it. I was laughing for about 5 minutes when I saw it.

it's soft 'so soft' as my mother would s ay. It's pink and just....i love the color. It's a 'safe thing', ya know? someting to turn to when you're lonely. 'Where The Wild Things Are' is the same way. love that book. and peanut butter cookies.

It's so warm and comfortable. the sleeves are giant and it doesn't have a back. those are my only problems with it.'

'6th

entires regarding my holidays will continue

god what a day

So earlier this afternoon my mom, grandmother's friend and I were talking about what happened when I was little. [i know this is vague, on purpose]. and......the friend was saying 'that must've been hard'.

yeah it was.

I just don't like getting emotional in front of mixed company and statements like that make me emotional. fact is i'm a very private person. sure I'll talk to you one on one not in front of mixed company about things i've gone through.

No obviously I don't want you saying 'that's great' when it so clearly wasn't. still isn't. or ignoring it. but, you know. save th e emotions for later. I'm used to thinking 'it's fine' even though, as said. it's not. that's just a cover someting to get me through the day so i won't get upset.'

'7th

So my lock [front door] hasn't been working the right way. However I have the right key! it gets stuck sometimes and usually takes me a few minutes to unlock the door. but i usually get it unlocked eventually. and just when i'm about to give up the door unlocks. yay. which is always nice.

I told most of the above to my dad when I was over at their place yesterday and he said 'eventually's not good enough'. I told him next Thursday would be better for him to come over and fix it. I tink he'd rather have it fixed sooner than later for security reasons.

which, i understand.

he said he could drop tomorrow [which is now today].

but A; I don't like him and 2; I have this thing where, if I've just seen you, I don't want to see you again the next day. i don't know why....and given, as said, I don't like him I'd want to see him less.

The door locks and unlocks. really it's not like it doesn't lock at all. It's like he wants to protect me by fixing it ASAP. look i don't need him to protect me. i haven't since i was 17 because, well. he didn't then.

i want a dad just not the one i have

So tis morning, at 2 a.m., I emailed him stating next Thursday's better for him to fix the lock. That way I already know he's coming and he doesn't drop by unexpectedly and i don't have to put certain things in my living room - my holiday wreath, a few books, the stuff Kate gave me - in my room and..........well, really, what it comes down to is avoidance. I'm not busy not really. I just don't want to see him.

he can't make up for it. he can sure as hell try but it. won't work.

he'll probably call me later today and arrange a time to drop by and i'll say no and......yeah.

obviously. i make tings harder than they need to be

and this doesn't allow for notes because..........well, as said. it's a vent.'

'8th

Hey yall,

help please.

So, whenever I make soup via microwave and then refrigerate the extra it always gets hard, freezes. And when I put vodka sauce, milk, cheese, etc in the fridge this doesn't happen. it just gets cold. [obviously. i know how basic this sounds].

Here's my question...........how do I "save" the leftover soup so it doesn't do this?

I don't mind re-microwaving it. I just don't like that it freezes.

[I make it from a can if that's of any significance].

One idea I had was pouring the soup from the microwave dish back into the can, covering it w/ a shower cap bowl cover [I don't know the actual name for this. they look just like shower caps but they're stretchy, smaller and you use them to cover bowls and then put them in the fridge] and keeping it in my cabinet for the next time I want soup. which isn't often.

thank you!

:) '

'short.

So Stevie, the parents' dog, lets you touch his feet. [as previously mentioned. so does Brewster]. well he does me. Actually he'd probably let you too, depending. Dogs are pretty easygoing. they're most certainly not going to argue with you.

Although they're a bit much dogs are good at making you feel loved and wanted. they're great that way.

that was really my only point'

'9th

not a euphanism. not that anyone's thought that.........although I'm sure now that I've mentioned it. yeah.

Anyway I need your help. Please.

So when I turn my kitchen faucet on for the hot water it gushes out instead of being a steady stream. I tried to unscrew the hot water knob. thing. to see what was going on but all that did was make it gush. The cold water one doesn't do this but it seems to have trouble adjusting itself if I turn on the water past a certain pressure. It's almost as though the water [wants to] rush[es] out at once instead of slowly.

So I opened the cabinets under the sink which didn't really help. which is when it occured to me that it's probably a problem down in t he actual sink itself. it's also occured to me that I'd probably need to turn off the water to fix this.

How do I fix - or try, anyway - this?

thank you! '

'This entry isn't saying I'm going to change. it's also not saying I'm not. it's saying it's a possibility.

With this whole....not having a job thing. According to my mom I'm a nonconformist. I don't conform to the idea that I hav to have a job. Not right now, anyway. maybe when I'm 30 but that's aways away.

I didn't know I'd like the books I like, or the music I do now.

that's. really my only point. '

'Haven't read that book but want to.

So. I was just thinking.....at what point do we learn to connect a word to an image? Is it when we're young? Someone says the word 'computer' or 'lamp' or something in a sentence and you know exactly what they mean.

Sentence structure, I guess. I was just watching tv, the end credits of a show. And as they were rolling I picked out a few words and thought of their definition.

[i know this isn't put together very well]

Someone at a party tells you they're going and they either stand or go up to you, or both, indicating this. Body language.

And why do some people, such as myself, think in images?

well for one thing we're surrounded by images. how does that work?

Although.........in the case of the man who mistook his wife for a hat, he had a disease [forgot thename] in which he couldn't recognise a lamp or a computer, a chair. So do those people learn to, or do they use different words, or.........?

So we all know the brain's divided into compartments, which I've now forgotten. within those compartments are there......like in the comparement for emotions [or whatever it is] does the brain process it in words, as 'i saw the most adorable at the park yesterday and that made me happy [this actually happened]. ?

or is it more a series of numbers and science terms and such?

and for whatever........however the brain processes those does each person have a different set? or is it all the same? Over time I've observed that some of us find the same things funny. Scientifically why is this?

it's been my current question for awhile.

Words don't mean anything without other words along them. If I, or anyone, wrote a one word entry we'd all be lost.

Musings, and I'd like your opinions please.'

'11th

.....dream.

what a weird dream i had this morning [5:40 a.m. atm] and yet it made perfect sense. I get the feeling this is more than just a dream and not only because it was so vivid but because, well. i just get that feeling.

I have to [ok not really] write it down because it was that damn good.

So my sister, mom and I were in a hotel somewhere. I think Florida because it was hot and there were palm trees. Probably south Florida, actually since the apartments were like the ones I used to live in. and curved sidewalks. We were driving with the windows up because I was afraid the iguanas would come into the car.

[this is true I'm afraid of iguanas. but I don't think they climb trees. Oh, the windows were up because I somehow thought the iguanas that were up in the trees would climb onto the car roof and in through the windows were they down. The car was a black SUV].

In the next scene I couldn't make out what the backround was, it was white. There was this small Asian man, standing, jeans, dark hair, plaid short sleeve shirt. The shirt was more ligt purple than light blue. to his left there was a round cafe table.

Kate and I were in the elevator of the hotel and the word dinner was mentioned. So we were either going to dinner or had just had it in one of the hotel's restaurants. I was wearing my mom's what she'd told me was an ostrich egg necklace. [which is funny because she doesn't wear jewelry nor does she like it. and ostrich eggs are large]. It was a narrow bumpy gray clay that was breaking apart and yolk was coming out of it. Apparently I wasn't supposed to let that happen. My gathering is that I was trying to get it some place safe so I could fix it.

So in the elevator was this really hot guy my age. e was in black, tall, muscular, tan, no hair. He took a closer look at the necklace.

And apparently, somehow, the Asian man that was by the table was his father. and he wasn't doing so well.

My mom, sister and i shared a hotel room. I guess Kate and I got the beds and Mom had to sleep on the floor because that's what Kate wanted? [sounds like Kate]. So anyway, the hot guy slept over in my bed. Well my mom thought there was more going on than there actually was. [doesn't sound like her. Back in high school Kate was the one who had boyfriends snuck out went to all night raves. I didn't]. And I got upset w/ my mom for thinking this and let it be known [doesn't sound like me], "what the hell Mom?!.......we haven't even kissed".

Oh the guy had slept over because he was having a hard time.

Sometime later he came back to our hotel room [i don't know where he'd gone] and told me his dad was doing worse and that he was allowed to be mean. [you know, sometimes people are when they're going through a difficult time]. The necklace made an appearance. and he was mean. I don't remember what he said but it was more how he acted.

In the following scene we danced to African music and then fell asleep. on my bed.

We discussed taking a walk. outside. yes at the odd hour of 2 a.m. when it wasn't completely dark. [again, weird]. the sidewalks curved and there was a lake.

And so the analysation begins.........well. I've only had 5 guys sleep over, none because they were going through a hard time. Te first one was when I was in high school, my 2nd ex. and even then I slept in my room and he in the guest room as decided by my mom.

I slept with a former friend in college but that was all that happened.

Then recently [within the last year] there was my ex, Jeff, Arthur and Shawn. I never heard from Jeff or Arthur.........and as for Shawn, well. he up and left without notification.

I did the same thing when I stayed at Mark's but his place is such a mess that I don't know where I'd have left a note. I mean I'm sure he would've figured it out........ but it's how I grew up. you were going somewhere you either told someone or left a note. [as for texting him, well. i don't have texting, so].

My mom's only known about 2 of my ex's. she doesn't know about the others or the guys of summer. or much else.

Although I'd do that. if a friend of mine who lived close was going through a difficult time then yeah they could definately stay at my place for however long.

The guy in the elevator looked like Chris the guy I saw Inception with. which is another reason I don't think this is just a dream. it's odd that he'd, or someone who resembled him, would show up in my dream now as I've not heard from him in months. [as for that......it is how it is].

*at some point in time during the dream I'd forgotten the 2 Jodi Piccoult books I'd wanted to bring and was upset about that. [def. sounds like me] '

'So, often because of his Aperger's my dad will seem younger than he is. He's smart don't get me wrong. I just feel like his language is limited. Which actually is an Asperger's thing as I learned from the book All Cats Have Asperger's.

It's as though his vocabulary and language skills aren't as extensive as mine.

which makes me wonder what the emotional age of someone w/ Asperger's is.

[again, a musing. not. an actual question]. '

'I was thinking about this recently.

In high school I was a wreck. when I was 17, it was hell. That was the loneliest year of my life. I'd be up nights upset and lonely. I didn't understand what was going on, w/ being assaulted. there'd be cutting, suicide attempts.......

The point of this is not to overdramatize my already dramatic emotions.

In college, in January I'd be 'bedridden' for weeks due to depression.

2 years ago, because I was sick [from the relapses from my eating disorder], I cancelled things. because I was too sick to go. That's actually why I stopped volunteering. [i have horrible quitting etiquette].

And now......I don't cut as often and when I slip into relapses I don't get sick as often. which is weird. I still do it there'r just bigger gaps.

And I wonder, without even realising it, that's due to all the writing.

The last time I was depressed, actually was last year. ['last year'. as in, Nov/Dec]. when it was snowing and gray and cloudy and cold and just. not good.

Sometimes being inside is actually more depressing than being inside I realised Sunday morning when I went out to get Starbucks. It's funny; I really hate the cold and yet during the winter that's the only time I go to Starbucks is when it's freakin cold.

but maybe it's like that line from 'California Dreamin'; 'the preacher likes the cold he knows I'm gonna stay.....' [maybe it's actually 'lights the coals' lol]. He likes the cold because he knows said person is going to stay in the church.

well better in the church than out freezin.

Or maybe it's just that my priorities have shifted and I've realised my 90 year old grandmother is more important than cancellations.

or possibly both.

So, I wonder........[again, a musing] if eventually my depression will go away altogether.

I also sing a lot. always have. I love to sing and I love music. unless there'r people around and then I'm suddenly embarassed even though I consider myself a good singer. My issue w/ it is that I get so passionate about the song that I don't always match pitch.

Well. with singing at karaoke [i totally rocked! Christina Aguilera's 'Beautiful'. oh hell yeah] then I know there'll be people there, as opposed to when I'm just out walking around where they pop up unexpectedly.

[yes i forgot to sing some of the lyrics but i was up there and passionate and fiery and really believed the message of the song].

[my songs for really cold days are California Dreamin, Here Comes The Sun, Fever, Rocky Raccoon, America and.......um. times they are a changin. oh and part of Janis Ian's 'in the winter].

not too sure what i'm lookin for from yall here......... '

'pretty sure I've posted this before.

brought to you by Ellen!

so on the news recently there was a story of an actress who had like, this mega memory. semiautobiographical memory it's called. Now people say I have such a good memory. now see I don't think I do as I'm just so used to that. I'll bring up something that happened and the other person will go "how can you remember that?" how can you not? [again a musing not a question. getting really tired of posting that butif i don't then the implication is that....yeah].

These people remember literally everything that happened to them. which actually would kindof suck. There are certain things I don't want to remember which is precisely why I don't. Like, if someone were to ask me what color my bike or favorite outfit was or what kind of games I played when I was little......I wouldn't be able to remember. not vividly, anyway. Another thing I don't remember is what they [the other students] said to me. and thank god I don't. I'd probably be very upset if I did. why would you want to remember something that awful?

I've subconsciously selectively chosen to block it out. and probably for that very reaosn.

People will bring up stuff they did/liked when they were little and I'll go "wow you remember that? cause I don't".

But maybe, as it's just now occuring to me, the reason I don't is simply because what happened in school was such a big part of my life.

Then again I remember being assaulted through flashbacks which have gotten few and far between.

And I remember the night my father was in the car accident 6 years ago. It was Christmas Eve. My sister and I were sitting in the living room watching Moulin Rouge [the remake. the other reason i don't like that movie besides the confusion of it] when the phone call came.

Y'know......an art teacher of mine in high school once told us that when there's a car accident the. um....witnesses don't see/remember it in color which is why they never remember what color the car was when asked.

I once reminded Dad it was their [my parents] anniversary [feb. 12] and he goes "yeah apparently Anne says it's our anniversary". Apparently? you married the woman. that's really, kindof sad.

The other day I forgot my grocery store discount card.which of course I remembered only when I was about to pay for my items at the self-checkout. of course. I always have it with me. i wasn't upset it was just weird.

My grandmother's husband John evidently has horrible short-term memory. He'll come into a room and go"now what did I come in for?". I frequently forget where I put my glasses, phone. Actually just the other day I forgot where I put my phone and then as I was looking for it it was right next to my purse where it always is when I'm getting ready. again, of course.

But I discovered that if I consciously remind myself where I'm putting something as I do it then I'm able to better remember where it is.'

'12th

'i was walkin along mindin my business when out of the orange colored sky....' - orange colored sky, nat king cole

well not really. I was walkin along mindin my business.

So I'd just gone to Starbucks and was waiting at the curb to cross the parking lot when this SUV pulled up. One of the guys inside [hot but there was something off about him] leaned out of the open window and said "excuse me ma'am crazy question" [don't you ever refer to me as 'ma'am'. i am not that old. I don't even look that old! and i just don't like that word. i prefer 'miss' or 'hun' or some other term of endearment. which btw i'm a sucker for]. to which I said "yes?". i'm not going to just ignore someone who wants to ask me something. He mentioned someting about $3000 and an entertainment center....and who wouldn't want an extra $3,000. I think what tipped me off about his request was that he said they [he and the other guy in the car] had it at their house and they could show it to me. then they said it's legal.

And it very well could've been.

but being that I'm a woman and there was only one of me and they were 2 guys......just that factor is like, they could've taken me somewhere I didn't know how to get back from........or after we'd gotten the entertainment center they could've brought it and me back to my place and. yeah.

Sure I'd like to think everyone in this world is good and honorable and honest but through no fault of my own I've learned you can't always trust people.

Oh I told him 'no'.

I don't they singled me out because I saw them asking friends [not of mine. a couple of friends, just 2 people walking] later. er. the couple seemed to be more friends than a couple.

I also think the whole 'we have it in our house and can show it to you' was a sexual innuendo and not in the amusing way. er. implication, rather.

I didn't think I was in immediate danger but I was wary of them.

See if I agree to meet a friend at the Safeway or the Barnes & Noble downtown that's different because I know how to get back from either place.

it was weird, random.'

'It's happened again. It used to a lot, more. back when I was 17. clearly a very significant year.

and psychoanalysis.

Lately I've been plagued by.....well not really visions, which I sometimes have [no, not premonitions. visions. there's a difference] but for lack of a better word, yeah, 'visions' of fire.

Which is odd, because for one it's not summer. I mention this because here [CO] during the summer we often have forest fires. And, for another things are weirdly under control in my world. [I explained a bit of this in my entry 'my depression's lessened'].

I like fire. well the small flames. not the big ones because you can't control them. [referring to my constant need for control]. My mom and I've been getting on well. [when i was in high school she said some not so nice things to me. and therefore lost control]. [also. burning would be horrible].

I guess the point I'm trying to make here is.....that I'm trying to figure out why this is happening.

Or maybe it's someting as it's been cold out and when it's cold people want to be warm and/or my place has been warm. Overlysimplistic yes but again, my sister once had a dream in which it was cold and when she told me about this during that same conversation her apartment was cold.

I'm leaving this open to notes but I'm not looking for advice.

[oh, and to clarify; when I was 17 I didn't have 'visions' of fire. I had them, of other things]. '

'13th

This was meant to be typed up awhile ago. actually.

I had this great 4th grade teacer, Ms. Lewis. she grew up in New Orelans and always told us stories about it. She went to a Catholic school and church. One of the stories is her and a friend had bought cookies. and they were sitting there in church when the cookies somehow started rolling down the aisle.

Whenever she was at the store the clerk would ask her how many children she had and she'd always reply w/ however were in the class at the time.

I don't remember what else made her great.

she's still teachin there, at my elementary school.

And then, in middle a classmate's fater died. I didn't know him well. He played in a jazz band. He died of a heart attack. I remember him because he was the kind of person who asked how you were because he cared. not just because he could.'

'As said, this is a vent.

god.........idk. i feel fat. obviously i'm not. [yes i'll post photos for yall eventually].

it means i'm healthy. [oh i'm referring to the fact i got my period]. it's funny i complain about being healthy.........which could be a much depper. um. 'issue'.

wow and i cannot spell right now.

deeper*

i want to do something but nothing big. going to a cafe or the movies and cuddle. i need to be with someone [as in. company. not like, "with" them] who understands.

i'm a woman. i get my period. really?

it's that damn simple it's such a natural thing

so emotional

i'm fertile as hell [like that really needed to be pointed out]. fertility means no sex.

oh on that note; I haven't seen Kevin in about 2 months. either because he's busy or the whole........sex/i'm selfish in bed thing.

eh. not like it was going anywhere. he's not the only guy i can make out with.

i want chocolate. had some earlier.

[what a weird entry this is turning out to be]

actually hell i want food. i'm actually starting to miss food. microwave's not working/dad's goin to vegas/i...........could bake/don't want to untill i have more frozen cookies.

frozen cookies. no. er. sorry i meant cookie dough. i don't know why i always refer to them as frozen cookies.

because dad's in vegas i can't like. going to*, vegas. email him.

well i mean sure yeah i could...........eh.

again. there it is. self sabotage.

oh well we all knew it was coming.

wow. for a chick who's really quiet atm i sure "talk" a lot on. uh. er......through writing.

sorry. i know this was a weird entry.'

'.....else to work on.

well. not well. I haven't read, much.

Also. I am terrible at noting yall. not sure if you've noticed. [i'm the opposite of James. great w/ writing entries but, as said]. And it's not because I don't like you - which. i do. - or I don't find your lives interesting or. whatever. I'm just not very good at it.

[that's] something else to work on'

'14th

Note: I said some. not all.

Other note: this is a vent. When I ask questions in this entry it's to make a point it's not because I want answers.

Ok so anyway.

I'm having my period. And if I'm hanging out with someone who I consider a friend then yeah I'm going to let that be known. I mean I'm not going to go into full graphic detail there. because, you know. who wants that?

I don't care if it's TMI! [well i mean i do a little]. I'm telling you because if I suddenly come across as a bitch for what you'll think is no apparent reason [not that I would] you'll know why. so you won't think it's something you did/didn't do.

I told one guy over the summer and he's like whoa wow ok didn't need to know that.

Yeah but would you rather me suddenly be a bitch for no apparent reason?

cuz I'm sure as hell sensitive and take things to h eart. always have always will. At least I'm considerate enough to do that. cuz a lot of people won't explain it's not personal.

I'm sorry but how old are you? and you can't handle a woman telling you she's got her period?

wow.

yeah ok i can see if you're bedding a girl and there's suddenly more blood than usual......or you don't want to get her pregnant. That's actually the very reason why I won't bed someone when I'm having my period.

It's not like the cycle is suddenly new. A woman gets her period every month. that damn simple.

if you can't handle it then, ya know. frankly maybe you shouldn't be hanging out with her since you're clearly not mature enough to.'

'15th

uh......i want to go out tonight. not that there's anything anyone reading this can do about that. yes i realise this.

no no.

so fukin crazy/anxious. i got stuff on my mind that i don't want to think/talk/write about and i want to go clubbing but haven't had much luck there.......er. in. asking people.

haven't been in months

wow that was short'

'again not that there's much anyone reading this can do about that.

uh..........jeez wow. um.

[i'm makin great headway here]

i'm winding down. still anxious/restless/freakin wide awak but bloody tired.

awake*.

i'd like to sleep with someone. No not bed them. [and suddenly we're in the 18th century. 'bed'. lol]. Actually sleep with them. as i'm a little.......i just feel fat. again i'm not. bc of my period. you know, a little company would be nice. i'm a bit lonely.

i don't know why in the hell i posted this'

'late december back in 63.....what a lady what a night. and i...had a funny feeling when she walked.... - Jersey Boys.

no not that kindof night.

Anyway.

complete w/ flashbacks/sad movie/anxiety.

So I went on a movie date. yay. yes proud of me. The guy indirectly referred to me as a lady. A lady! well don't i feel classy. [i do, actually. that wasn't sarcasm. i'm a lady, in every sense of the word].

We met at the mall each paid for our own ticket. That way we didn't have to worry about who's paying for what.

He wasn't that good looking. i mean, not to be shallow. he was. uh. different looking.

We went into the auditorium and sat. I wasn't sure how to bring it up so I just straight out asked if he smoked, as it was noticable. I really don't care if you smoke. i'm one of the few people who doesn't mind it.

oh, and he did.

He was nice. but, idinno. just like everyone else in their 20's he's busy, so. there's not much time there to date.

We got to know each other a bit. talked about physical comedy back in the day. [Marx Brothers, 3 Stooges that other guy.........oh, Chaplin].

We saw tv commercials. yes in the movies. really had I wanted to watch tv I could've stayed home. The preview for the movie Beastly came on. I said the dude [the guy who the witch turns ugly in the movie] reminds me of me and Gene [the guy I went on a date with. yes, as in gene kelly. that's how i remember people's names] asked why. and i said simply, I used to cut. well i still do just not as much.

It was weird. I'm not an upfront kindof person. I mean, he didn't judge me on that. no he didn't really react which is what i always hope for.

I also mentioned Emily Blunt was hot which he wondered about later. like, if i was on both sides or.......? [technically, yes though i don't classify myself as such. and i don't feel i have to figure it out]. but she's a little too thin.

So the movie started after awhile. We saw Country Strong. it was ok could've been better. what would've made it better is if there were more examples of her relapses. it was a sad movie. I liked the ending and themusic.

I also was all pmsy/emotional, so.

So then we went and drove around ending up in a parking lot. I ate the brownie i'd bought. We talked about sex. as a general topic. He mentioned we could go to his place and watch movies but.........with the night i'd just had i didn't want to. [had i gone out w/ a woman then yeah i def. would've]. and i also didn't trust myself as far as intimacy's concerned [given my sex drive was high], so. which he got. so he drove me home.

um.

Oh. before we met i was having flashbacks a rarity for me.

no there wasn't any intimacy on the date.'

'17th

how it felt when i woke up. which was at 9:34 a.m.

idinno.....it's january so still winter. but it was sunny out and looked warm. and a lot of the snow had mlted. i could feel the humidity. it was 50 one of the warmest days we've had yet.

just that........that energy. ya know?'

'um.

['um'. how interesting]

woke up at 9:34, as said. got ready went to the store. nothing spectacular there. It's, a store not much to say about it. bought a magazine, yogurt and some other stuff. oh I also bought milk.

The self checkout screen told me I needed assistance, somehow. which I didn't. it also reminded me to put an item in the bagging area which i'd already done.

I left, going to "my place", sat, drank part of a soda. I do that often in the spring and summer. since it was warm I dcided to. "My place" is just a place by a tree. but i like that place. and the tree.

I put my gloves on since I was getting cold. which turned out to be helpful, and not just for that reason. On the way back to where I live I slipped on some "black ice", fell. I was fine it was more of a surprise than anything. I rarely fell. The gloves were helpful so in the event that I were to fall my hands wouldn't be as cold. touching the ice. [when we fall we usually put our hands out first, to catch ourselves. ok i think i've explained this enough].

which is why I always have gloves in my purse in the winter, even if it's warm out.

came back, watched tv.

Besides being careful because of the ice everywhere I also have to be careful walking. I have blisters [which will eventually turn into callouses] on my feet from clubbing/walking around for a good 2 hours after. at least. [what a ridiclous expression 'a good 2 hours'. those hours weren't good at all!. and more on that later]. so I have to walk slowly [which annoys me a bit as i usually walk fast. and I don't like people who walk slowly. if you're a senior citizen or there's some other extenuating circumstance then yeah I get that but I don't like it. well. it's not so much the people themselves as the fact they walk slowly] and carefully. I'm not worried about my feet recovering. the body heals itself, as my sister pointed out. [put band aids where the blisters are]. it's just news.

Also......because of the events of this past weekend I'm drained, which means I'm depressed/numb which.......means I move slower anyway. [i know i'm being vague here and it's not on purpose. I will post an entry about the events].

The thing about being depressed/numb is that there's not much I can do about it. well ok there probably is but I'm too numb to. it's like......a. thing. catch 22*.

and that's how exciting my life is.

[if there'r any implications of advice here please don't give me any. otherwise, note away!]

wow. what a boring entry.'

'it's not even february yet.

My grandfather's birthday was in February, the 26th. he was born on a leap year. the........the one who passed last april.

sorry. just watched a sad episode of 'how i met your mother', regarding death. i'm a little emotional.

I've never done anything for his birthday before but i feel i "should". i didn't know him well. he was quiet always a nice thing. didn't expect much from anyone. We were talking about him at Christmastime.

I wrote an entry about his life last year then made it private. i......i just couldn't. write about that yet.

I don't know how to remember him. i mean, in terms of. like. ,,,,,,,,,,,,to pay tribute. He liked the mountains didn't know why. i love the mountains. i'd like to go again. maybe. eventually.

And he was a photographer and.........I'm a photographer. every day. even if i don't take photos every day, every day's an opportunity to do so. yeah i was surprised when i found that out too.

i was thinking about this the other day. since i didn't know him well i don't miss him. i just. i wonder about him. Last.....year I thought of writing him. is it, er, "weird" to write to someone you didn't know well? and then not send the letter. i wrote things like that in college.

i think i'll always wonder about him. i don't feel this incredible compulsion to ask people in my family about him though. or maybe i just prefer to keep it that way. i mean it doesn't bother me feeling this way wondering about him.

I remember, when i was volunteering at the senior citizens' residence. my boss let me put a wreath on my grandfather's door - the door to his room - for the holidays. and that........that was. something. there.

i don't know if he even knew i put it there. again, not a bothersome fact. i'd like to think he did. you know, that's what people do. that thinking. [i realise i'm not making myself very clear].

i was always so happy when he came down and did the excercises with us.

well. thanks for reading.'

'18th

....dating. and. food.

god do I want a drink. a malibu to be specific. Problem is, I don't have the money to buy a drink [which is clearly the very reason I'm not drinking now] and I hate imposing on people like that. I get it, most people in their 20's need to save money for groceries and whatnot. as do i. sure I don't work but I do buy groceries. and. stuff. i completely get that.

I'd ask Mark but.......after this weekend. eh. I was actually going to FB him and ask if he wanted to go for drinks tonight. though, he might not have the money, so. Also I don't want to get left behind. again. which is why i thought of meeting by my place.

and.......I haven't FBed him. because of the reasons above.

I realise there's nothing anyone here can do about the fact I don't have mony and I'm most certainly not asking you to. no I'm just venting.

I never drink when things are going well. and i don't drink often. now what does that say about me? the, first sentence not the last. well idinno but it says.......something. not a question; it's a musing. I know it won't make things better but I honestly don't care right now.

[oh, Mark's the friend I went clubbing with Saturday night].

ok.......next topic. dating. Well this guy and I've been emailing. He's nice, cute, funny. and yeah I'd like to get together with him. We've been trying to. The first night, I went to Safeway [where I usually meet people] and he didn't show. Last night he had work untill god knows when. And as for tonight.........I emailed him and told him it won't work. A; I'm not sure when he gets off work and 2; because of my current situation. He knows I'm afraid to get left behind again because of this weekend [went clubbing got stranded] and that it's nothing personal.

ok yeah looking at it this way it's like..........I'm pushing him away. well and yeah I am. but i just don't trust men. er. not that i did before. or anyone, really. even moreso.

I'm pushing him away because I don't want to get left behind because I did before and that's why i don't trust guys.

I usually won't cancel without notification.

a chick's gotta protect herself

so he gets it.

i mean......it's good i'm trying to meet people, right?

*so, this other guy emails me w/ 'hi you're cute let's have a drink atmy place'. really? i may be cute but i'm not stupid. you really think i'm going to go over to your place not knowing where it is or how long it'll take to get to your place? yeah um........no. untill I get to know you, no. just no. I email him back telling him I'm going to have to decline, nothing personal and thanks. I don't owe him any more explanation. for all i know he could be trying to........well. you know.

but whatever. i handled that well, so.

and..........moving on.

Food. so i baked today. yay. I was hungry. i don't remember what it feels like to not be hungry. i don't think that's a good thing. [well sometimes when i'm hungry i won't/don't bake]. lemon poppyseed muffins. they were good. i wanted to bake blueberry but i only have 2 bags of blueberry muffin mix and i........don't want to bake if i have less than 3 packages of said muffin mix. again, just venting.

So..........my cold water faucet works. in my kitchen sink. my hot water doesn't and i'm not really sure why. but........well. one works. which is........idinno. something. [no advice please].

I was thinking [as i always am]. I could actually microwave something and hold the door closed and see if/how that works. i mean the worst that can happen is it won't. work. which yes would be a bloody inconvenience but it can't be worse than before. not like something exploded in there.

See, apparently what happened was that the latch of the door doesn't apparently latch anymore. and of course the damn thing didn't come screwed together. it's glued together. so obviously i can't unassemble it. and........of course when i looked in the manual the damn thing doesn't have a troubleshooting section. no. of course not.

isn't that just fantastic? i mean, really?

[that was sarcasm/me being cynically funny]

[i don't want advice, as said]. '

'19th

so........I just hung out w/ a friend. who I haven't seen in about 10 years. we wen t to boarding school together and were FB friends. and then he got ina fender bender and was stuck in downtown Denver for the night and i wanted to go get drinks but didn't have the money and felt bad.......so he paid.

god he is such a nice guy. He's a lot like Michael, but gay. not that i judge. i mean, i don't care. At one point during the night [i was on my 2nd glass of wine; i only had 2. merlot, strong. i'd d ecided i was going to have 2 to keep it classy] he goes "i like cigars" and not a moment ago i'd been talking about sex so i thought it was some kind of innuendo and i just cracked the hell up. well. we know where my mind's been.

I had bruschetta at the bar and then mac and cheese w/ "chicken" at the resturant. Yard House Bar. our waitress was really nice. i tipped her. she was friendly and sweet and listened to both our stories, mine about being stranded and his [Lane's, friend i got together with] about the fender bender.

he asked near the end of the night if i was ok. i mean, i wasn't horrible. i most certainly wasn't drunk. just lightheaded/depressed. [the wine and having not eaten all day], so. i get that way when i drink.

yeah and I told next time he's in town [he lives in Santa Fe] togive me a ring. i mean i'm notdoin anything. and that way h e'll know at least one other person. we could go clubbing or to the movies or a park.....coffee. or just for dinner and drinks.

If you're going to be stuck anyway then why not have me as company? right?

[i'm not fishin here; just sayin, bc i'm sweet and all].

i feel like i can tell him anything. which i did, for the most part. he didn't think i was weird or off or whatever.

I already knew him so it wasn't like i had to explain anything or be all perfect or nervous. or. whatever. [again].

not that i always have to be taken out but i do like to be. and treated like a lady which i was. yay. oh i damn well better be w/ the luck i've had........lol.

it was really nice, lovely'

'eh.

woke up at 7:08, tired. slept.......weird. i'm always really tired a night after drinking. i felt like i'd been half asleep since i went to sleep. [god do i know how to state the obvious. also. ask ridiclous questions].

got back at midnight last night. It reminded of when I used to hang out w/ Michael. oh and Lane's thinking of moving up here! so, yay. for college. for my own personal reasons I hope he does as it's hard for me to meet people, so. [no advice please]. I'm just sayin. and we could hang out and do whatever.

well and, i also don't like people. so............given that......yeah. well i like the people i know but i don't like random people.

I was thinking about that the other day. Of course I wouldn't like people if my first encounter with them [i mean, that i remember] wasn't good! i actually think i've had anxiety/mild agoraphobia since i was little but i didn't know what that meant. Like, in the room i used to have at my parents' i'd always have the blind closed. that window looked out into the backyard. my mom would always tell me no one could see in. yeah um that. doesn't help. i hate when people do that.........like, they don't actually care enough about you to tell you they get it. they're just going to tell you it won't happen and then go on their way.

So evidently, a counsellor I saw while at boarding school they suspect........might've offed himself. i mean we hadn't talked since, so. more of a shock than anything. like wow omygod. oh 'they' being the people who'd found him. apparently he'd been missing for a few days and then they found his car in a ditch and put 2 and 2 together.

so, watched tv went to the store. bought yogurt and tea. came home. I didn't fall this time coming home.

Evidently I got a letter from my stepgrandmother Anitta. i'm guessing it's a check. i told her during the holidays she didn't have to get me anything since she hadn't for years. i'm not offended/annoyed i just don't care either way. and then what if she didn't get Kate anything........i prolly won't tell Kate about that.

so last week before i went to the mall i mailed a birthday card to Kate. she'll be 21 on saturday.

and that's pretty much it.

i can still 'taste' the wine. idinno how to explain it. um........it's still in my head [i mean that literally]/system and i can tell. doesn't bother me just news.

i'm not a big fan of wine. i mean i'll drink it but it's not my favorite. I hadn't had wine since my 23rd. i had a malibu at the club the other night which was pretty much. the most amazing thing ever at the time. it was so good.

My mom phoned earlier about tomorrow, wondering if since i have a dentist appt. tomorrow i'd want to go to CostCo today and i don't told her we'd go next week.'

'20th

WARNING: triggery, dark. If you can't handle that then don't read. Also. Either note with caution or don't note at all. moving on.

She’s conflicted she thought of him they got together last night. It was. One of the best nights she’s had in a long time.

This isn’t making any sense she needs to start over. But that’s how her [my?] mind’s been lately crazy and anxious and everywhere and just. So. Damn. Crazy.

That Cyndi lauper song lyric comes to mind “if this world makes you crazy and you’ve taken all you can bare you just pick up the phone because you know I’ll be there”. But that’s not always the case. Or maybe she doesn’t let it be. She feels, always, like it’s an obligation to talk to/message/phone people. Like….it’s more about what they want. Than her.

Because that’s who she is. She always puts others first. Even if she’s on the brink of offing herself she always will. It’s a dangerous combination.

She’s fine. But not really. Not around her friends those who know her. She’s so used to censoring and being amazingly composed. We all have superpowers. Mine just happens to be perfection.

They’d rather have her not cut. So she tries not to for them. Well that and. or. Either she’s learned different ways of dealing.

She knows what she wants she wants to escape. And since night won’t come to her…she’ll bring it. With her cutting and her destructive behaviours but even that’s precise. Only a few times in her life has she ever slashed and not carefully cut. But she doesn’t want to cut. What she wants to do is drink. She doesn’t have the money and asking somebody else to pay would be an awful imposition. Which is weird because night’s already inside her. She’s swallowed the darkness. But she’s met someone darker than her.

It’s almost. Hard in a way the way he reminds her of. The other one. her other, former friend. They’re just both so damn nice.

He was there, the first night she tried to off herself, at the house in Maine. Later that night she and a friend were lying in bed. The friend was saying how weird it was, she still felt the movement of the water from rafting earlier. Her [i?] all we remember thinking about is the first time.

He noticed something. Maybe that’s why they’re still connected.

While on chat earlier a little bubble popped up asking her what she’s planning. The words jumped stuck out at her; what are you planning? She told a friend and now she’s waiting for a response. There are, the remainder of the pills from the advil bottle. She didn’t take any after she read the email and the letter. Realizing that wow people actually do care. She doesn’t have to do this. She doesn’t have to do any of this. Not like it’s a choice. After awhile addictions don’t become choices. But you can’t always count on the world.

She wasn’t, trying. To off herself. She was trying, to escape.

You can only escape for so long. And then what?'

'20th

.....this a.m.

Now, while I don't put my address on FB/MySpace, that's not why i don't post such things.

wow. that made absolute perfect sense.

uh.........like. I won't go too much into my psychological issues on those sites bc my sister has a FB and i don't want her knowing bc then she'll talk to Mom about it. they only know 30% of what goes on. and that's how i'm keepin it.

Also.

I don't want to have to be even more careful than I already am. I'd settle for being less careful, frankly.'

'That was sarcasm.

oh good I get to see Dad. Saturday. my least favorite person. I mean I won't be a bitch to him bc I'm not a bitch to anyone, really. but. the less I see him the better.

see he's picking up at my place Saturday afternoon to go to Mom's concert. i'll be polite cordial to him but that's it.

which means.......i'll be waiting at least another damn week to talk [via email] to him about my microwave. as.....if i've just seen him i don't want to see him again right away.

not that i ever do

This doesn't allow for notes because, frankly. i don't want your opinion on the matter.'

'Jacob's in the same boat I am. [being that he's going through a difficult time also]. but he actually wants to off himself. on his FB it's 'eff you'.

I'm sorry things suck for him really I am. but if all we're going to talk about were i to phone him about this is sex then. i don't want to.

i'm tired of being a sex symbol. i get that i'm hot. er i mean thank you! but that's not all i am. if it were and if that's all i wanted to be, well. i'd be in a red lights district right now waiting for some guy to fuk me.

so if he hadn't been just like most guys and were he willing to have an actual conversation with me then. ya know. maybe we'd still be talking.

maybe he wouldn't be in this situation. it's not entirely on me here.

actually have a conversation with me.......yeah women want sex too [god do we ever] but i'm not going. that's why not i email the people i email.'

'Thought of this while I was sober. I'm now not. just buzzin.........buzz i'm a bee.

ok.

If the moon were a person she'd be my friend. She was just. stunning tonight. The perfect place to run away to only you can't run away to her. I've always thought it weird and really cool that she's lightyears away. like, the future moon. always loved her. I think I have a love affair with the moon. yep. I'm definately a moon baby.

well it seemed a lot longer on facebook as most things do'

'21st

Lane and I were talking about this on Tuesday.

I'm not sure he knows I cut. I mean, I'd have no problem telling him since he knows near everything else and I'm just that comfortable around him.

ya know.....it's nice to get a gay guy's perspective on his relationship experiences. He's not strictly gay and I do know that's not all he is. but still. it's nice.

i've never had that.

He's an artist, he paints. to get stuff out. just like i cut. and the blood is the paint the razor the brush. now i've never actually done that painted with my own blood.

but i totally get painting on skin with razorblades'

'so.....intoxicated but depressed. yeah i know you don't need to tell me. if you drink to escape depression it won't work since alcohol's a depressant i'm pretty sure. given i've already started drinking i clearly don't care. [by which i mean i don't want you to tell me and i already know which is why you don't need to].

i've run into this before. and yeah it bothers me. quite a bit.

so apparently, if a guy emails me and then i don't reply that makes me a bitch. i.....um. [am astoundingly comprehensible. no, lol]. i always have to say yes.

i'm sorry just when did this become the '50's? and a "man's world"?

yeah.......um no.

in the words of Lesley Gore/Joan Jett, you don't own me.

i don't reply because i know some of them only want to fuk me. right.......i may be cute but i'm sure as hell not stupid. it's funny the way some guys often confuse the 2.

this is a vent. which is why i'm not allowing for notes.'

'an actual good entry where i'm not bitching. you'll all be glad to know.

So.

My new goal is to get a girlfriend. I've never had one and I want one. I'm hoping it goes well. already started searchin. we'll see.

:) '

'Women are lesbians men are gay. not all of them......just. er. obviously the ones who are. Those are the correct terms.'

'.......heaven/in the still of the night.

The first song's a Jimmy Scott one, the second's a Cole Porter one. I really like Jimmy Scott. took me awhile to. the first song I heard of his was Heaven. which the quote's from. in the movie My Sister's Keeper.

it's kindof sad, the song lyric. I mean.....if the name of the bar is heaven and that's where [i think. not as in 'i think but i'm not sure' as in, that's my personal opinion] people go when they die then wow.

He covered 'jealous guy'.

Random but speaking of names......there's a place called Texas, AZ.

I am, surprisingly comprehensible. i've had a bit to drink. just like i was last night.

eh.......I'd go to the bar [not the one named heaven lol though that'd be pretty cool. if i had a bar i'd name it heaven] but that's kindof a social thing. I've gone to bars by myself but am hesitant about doing so.

wow this is weird. usually I'm at the movies on Friday nights. well i wanted to watch the series finale of Medium. i'd stopped watching that show but felt i 'had' to watch it cause it was the finale. it was good.

so i'm bored, lonely and am not planning on spending most of this weekend sober. As decided last night. and now I'm watching 'what would you do?'. it's a good show, interesting.

I realise, there's nothing anyone can do about the fact i'm lonely. just a vent.

more than a bit freaked about this dream i had today. i'm not ready to go into details yet.....which is why i'm being vague on purpose. let's just say it involves my past. so i can't peg it as 'just a dream'. '

'yall remember the guy I wrote about [i mean, within the last week] that I was going to get together with but didn't because I needed time?

He just replied to an email I'd sent. I'd thanked him for being so patient/understanding about everything and he's like 'yeah it's fine'.

I'd think he'd not want to talk to me since I'd kept cancelling.

omygod. he is so nice!

My search for getting a girlfriend is not going well.'

'22nd

so if there are any misspellings in this entry that's why. Although hopefully therw won't be.

so I'm slightly drunk. I had half a cup of merlot last night before i wen t out and then.....3 malibus at the bar. at one point i was really out of it and couldn't really see. what's weird is i actually um. feel more alert now than i did about 2 hours ago.

so I went out w/ this guy. Rob from Chicago. 30. very nice, paid for everything. treated me like a lady. wow. evidently thinks i'm 'cute' and 'beautiful'. yeahwe made out. quite a bit......at the bar at the other bar [where i had water] in the cab ride home. we stopped and kissed while walking.

oh we were in downtown Denver.

it was really nice. and it's been a long time since either of us. uh. 'got action' as it were. oh hellyeah. this chick got some action.

we got a good thin goin........thing* i'm sorry. but i'm also keeping my ooptions open, so. the cab ride. er. can ride. wow i'm drunk.

ok...........cab driver* [sorry] was really cool about us making out. i'm like 'i'm sorry' and he's 'it's fine'. yeah surehe might've been annoyed but he also got it.

i'll write more later when i've sobered up a bit. [although really, the only thing that sobers you up is time]. right now i'm going off to sleep.

oh, and it's my sister's 21st. yayyyyyyyyy! '

'WARNING: Adult Content. given the title this should be obvious

I didn't say it was a one night stand. I said it was like one.

'it' being last night.

So I'm still not sober. I actually feel a bit sick. I've had chai and yogurt and water. I don't even like water. I'm not the least bit hungry but feel like I "should" have something in me besides alcohol. and yes obviously that's not a lot but it's there.

[i drunk dialed my sister at 3 this morning. no i'm not sober. hopefully she'll chalk it up to it being her 21st and my having odd sleeping hours. never done that before].

so, as said. It's like a one night stand.......I liked the guy we had fun we made out [god did we make out] but we didn't connect all that much. we were talking about sex and what we'd do and he kept bringing up what i'd do to him and i kept saying 'no'. He just talked about it. but really? dude. if a chick says 'no' then shut it.

I even told him that last bit. oh i'm very honest when i'm drunk. i mean, i won't tell you i don't like you but if there's a gorgeouscute girl at a bar where i am then i'll be straight with her about it.

and like i said i'm keeping my options open, so.

i'm not a big drinker. i mean, nothing wrong with that just not my thing. I don't even usually get drunk on the first 'date' [or whatever you want to call it]. it's just not classy. i wasn't that drunk.........pretty sure the uhm. quesedilla i had had meat in it.

And when I went to the restroom something very embarassing happened.........[not involving Rob]. apparently, in my slightly drunken haze, i'd forgotten to lock the door and.......i really don't want to go into it. shit at least i knock before i come in.

the shit that happens when you're drunk'

'this will be a very short entry.

wow Patsy Cline was young when she died. 30. well Sinatra was 40.......sedgwick [Edie] was 30. ok.

Besides her music there's something else I really like about her. maybe it's that she seems approachable? huggable?

that's really all there is to this entry'

'23rd

In regards to my last entry.

It's Bobby Darin who died young. not Sinatra. my mistake. and thanks to a recent noter for catching that. and correcting it.'

'.....the more. i don't like it.

'it' being Friday night/Saturday morning.

i was drunk. [that sounds like the start to something awful]. we got caught up in the moment. i got some action [oh hell yeah i did]. based purely on the fact that i was drunk based on that alone, i'd........uh.h...............i'd not be all that aware of things.

And. the more I think about it the more I realise what a bad match it was. I mean, again the whole it's-like-a-one-night-stand thing. yeah we met had fun drank made out [and a little more] but........that's really it. he wasn't that great of a listener [i understand straight guys want sex. yes chicks do too. god do we ever] [and, as said. caught up in t he moment] [but just because i get something doesn't mean i have to like it]. he was a little pushy in conversation. and.........i kinda get the feeling he doesn't really get me.

unlike those of you who are reading this right now. not the first time i've encountered the latter [ha, 'encountered the latter'.........lol. sorry got up at 9 yesterday morning after sleeping for 6 hrs after a drunken night and......it's now near 15 mins to uh. 1, a.m. so.that's why that's funny] in my life. but it's the first time in awhile. a long while.

and yeah it hurts. oh hell yeah.

which. is why i don't think it'll work out. which......is why i've not contacted him since.

it's not like i feel all that badly about it. i mean yeah as said it hurts but i've put a stop to it to avoid more hurt.

i mean, eh. whatever. stuff happens life goes on'

'I was thinking about this last week. and. more on the night I went clubbing [saturday the...........15th]. bare with me it's a long entry. make that, very long.

Basically what happened was I went clubbing w/ a friend got stranded. not entirely his fault [we'd looked on the website for the admission fee and there wasn't one. but when we got to the door they let me in [well i mean i'm hot/beautiful/cute. and nice, so.] [but not him since he didn't have the money to pay] but still not cool. He explained this to me via FB saying he gets that and it won't happen again. yeah and that doesn't exactly comfort me why? not asking just making a point. please don't read too much into that.

So I walked around for a good 2 hours [what a ridiclous expression. those hours were not good! at all!] at least trying to find my way back to his place. in the city [well not 'the' city as in new york. the city of denver]. looking like i'd come out of the 1980's. [hair up short black belted sweater dress, tall black snow boots. oh i also had my coat on. i looked damn hot. but that's not something you want to wear when it's 30 or less out, at 2 in the bloody morning. not my fault i got left there].

made my way to a Sheraton. i remembered when my mom and i'd traveled she'd stopped at a hotel to ask for directions a few times. it was lit, warm and looked safe. [somehow it being lit and warm usually equate safe. Again I'm not asking why this is. I'm making a point. don't read too much into it]. i'd never been so glad to see a hotel in my life. I asked the front desk guy for directions. he gave them to me and asked if i was walking or driving. i told him walking. No he didn't tell me to be careful. No he didn't ask me if I'd be ok walking. Had he been a woman maybe he might've.

or maybe he figured i'd made it that far and would be fine.

Yes so ok I don't need guys to protect me but it's still nice to know/feel you care.

and yes ok I realise it's not really their job to care. well that's kinda mean. like yeah i don't really care if something happens to you or not. i only care that i gave you the right directions......wow. yeah, well it's not my job to put the empty shopping baskets that are on the shelf next to the selfcheckout on the floor to make room, but i still do it. really? you can't take the extra time?

wow.

so......tried to find his place. my friend's. Mark's. on my way there this guy behind me wanted to talk to me. well at the time I was crossing the street. and when I'd crossed, waited and he caught up w/ me I told him I wasn't trying to ignore him. [well i mean cmon. it's between 2 and 3 in the morning and a lady's been stranded. you can't exactly trust men at that hour. not that i usually do]. but i also want to be a nice person and do the right thing. he asked if i was ok. i told him yeah i was trying to find my friend's place [i don't know why i decided to be honest with him......again, not. asking. just. a musing]. i could've been sure yeah i have to go.

so this guy said that my friend had lied to me. i didn't argue w/ him becuse, well. i don't argue w/ anyone. [i mean i could've since it was very early and no one would've heard/cared as no one but us was out at that hour]. but that's not who Mark is. yeah he could've done more [oh hell yeah he could've. but more on that later] but he's not that type of guy. who'd set me up like that. and i'm not that type of woman. i may flirt i may be selfish in bed i may come w/ baggage. and all that......but i'm sure as hell not gonna do that. i just. won't tell you everything.

and then he told me we could sit down and talk. he may well have wanted to do just that. but really.......like i said, not at that hour. i may be cute but i'm sure as hell not stupid. i told him i'm either calling a cab [didn't have said cab fare w/ me] or going to the hotel [that i saw a sign for up ahead. all it said was 'hotel'].

so that was the end of that.

got to the hotel honestly didn't expect it to be open. it was. the guy was wonderful. he reminded me of Tom Bosley. you know, the dad from Happy Days. around that same age too. he told me he could only let me stay there for a half hour. which i got. so then he had his coworker Eric take me to Mark's place.

and.......we got lost on the way. my fault since i didn't tell him.

when we finally got to the complex Eric left.

oh but the fun doesn't end there. [that's sarcasm. I know I'm not at the original point of this entry yet but in order to get there yall need to know how. sorry for wasting your time].

so, went into the little entryway. it was around 5:45 sunday by that time. i figured well someone has to come in eventually in order to let me in. because in order to get into the building itself you have to have an actual code. which i didn't have. which is why i phoned Lindsey who used to live there hoping she'd have it. she was, as it so happens, asleep. yeah. of course she was. i'm not annoyed w/ her, really. just........well it certainly doesn't help. the entryway wasn't warm but it was lit and safe.

eventually a couple came in. the woman let me in.

so i went to their little coffee bar and had hot chocolate. which btw was terrible. i've never had terrible hot chocolate but that was. but it was warm [both the beverage and inside] and i needed to rest, so.

phoned Mark who told me his apt number. i went up there knocked on the door.........turns out. it was the wrong building. oh that's just. just freakin fantastic. i was wondering why they had a coffee bar.

so.......went to another building. [good god this is turning into a long entry. well i'm almost done. thank you for baring with me thus far]. went up to the door. this time, again i thought it was the right door since all the doors were blue and the walls and ceiling were white and they had a laundry room as did Mark's.

well, apparently. it was again the wrong building. [i was wondering why no one had answered the door]. good lord. really? i phoned Mark who'd told me this.....and told him he'd have to come and bring my stuff to me. i mean, it's the least he could do. no it literally is. after having me walk for a damn good 2 hours over the city of denver. over? er no not over. around*. downtown. in the bloody morning and cold. it should not have taken me that damn long.

so.........he brought my stuff. and left.

i phoned a cab [now that i had cab fare] and got to my place between 7 and 8 that morning.

that was one of the longest nights i've had in awhile.

ok moving on.

not the first time i've been lost in a city. i got lost down in florida a lot. and somehow always found my way home. just the first time i've been lost in this one.

that would be weird if some random 23 yr old woman was standing at your door expecting you to be someone she knows. yeah but at least i look nice [as in, a nice person] as my sister once pointed out.

y'know.........i really should've brought my stuff w/ me. by which i mean my sweater and my big purse. big, colorful* purse. but you don't exactly bring a colorful purse clubbing. i have that purse and then my tiny [it is literally small enough to fit my camera and phone into] polka dot clubbing purse. i gotta get a new purse. which i will. i don't want advice since i've already figured it out.

and, y'know. Mark could've done more. he could've, idinno, arranged for a cab back to his place. i understand he didn't want to be stuck in the cold. oh and i did? being that I am a lady there's a much higher chance of something happening to me.

yes i could've taken a cab back to his place too. had I known this was going to happen I would have.

so.........here's my original point.

The guy I encountered. You know, before I went into the small hotel. He told me he'd seen me around and that he wasn't 'downtown guy' [who he actually referred to by name].

just the fact that it was dark out and he was a guy and i was a woman.......um. that's a little creepy. had he said it during the daylight hours then it wouldn't've been as. creepy.

like, seen me around that night or in general?

so........the second half of that statement. Since he wasn't 'downtown guy' [no obviously since he didn't look like nor did he smell like him] that implied I could trust him. i told him it wasn't personal i just don't trust people.

true.

uh......................................um............so. that meant he knew of 'downtown guy' and knew what he was like. yeah ok weird.

again, thank you for baring with me'

'more on Friday night/Saturday morning also known as the night i got drunk.

the. other night i got drunk. the first night was back in august. wow it's weird being sober. haven't had a drink since very early yesterday morning.

um........................so.

The guy [i had a 'date' with] and I were talkign. and he's like 'dude you need to relax. i'm from chicago and even i can see that'. well thanks for pointing that out captain obvious. well sorry for being just a bit uptight [hate saying i am but. well. i am]/constricted/reserved. it's not my fault i can't trust people bc they suck.

yes i take offense to that just as i do everything. i'm not exactly one of those girls who gets drunk every night. hell i don't even go out drinking every night. yeah staying home's boring but it's safe and nonexciting. and. well. boring. it's safe is my point.

and.

as we were walking down the street i was telling him that if you use alcohol to get rid of your depression it won't work since alcohol's a depressant and he's 'yeah but why focus on that now?'. um. really? when i say something like that i need you to listen. not dismiss it. i'm not saying we have to spend the next 2 - 5 hrs talking about it but at least let me know you get it.

if you don't get who i am then don't talk to me

no i dont want advice and no i dont want his side of things. it is how it is. i'm offended life goes on and that's it. the end. [of this entry i mean]. that was really my only point.'

'.....that doesn't exactly rank you up there on the list.

so Jacob and I've started talking. again. sortof. via FB. we're cordial, polite but that's it. He knows I don't want to talk to him, he did something [i mean. besides break my heart] and he also knows I don't want to go into it.

um.

.........................................wow.

on my FB status I put the guy I was going to meet up w/ last night didn't show [however. i wasn't lost/stranded] and jacob said he'd never do that. yeah well he broke my heart/had me feeling like all i was was a sex symbol/[and] had me feeling like i don't matter so......that doesn't exactly put him high on the list. it's like yeah you might not'v done that thing but you've done other things that hurt me.

it's also. occured. to me. that.

i can [and will/do] call the shots were we to talk again. if i don't wanna talk to sex then we won't talk about sex. ya know? '

'I'm growing a little frustrated by cookie baking. Lately .......

well.

I'm following the instructions on the back of the package. I've been setting the oven to the right time. But whenever I've baked the cookies haven't been as hard as they should be. they're still good. Next time I'll set the time for 20 minutes.

Other than setting the time longer what am I not doing?

They're the frozen kind if that matters. er. not frozen i just always refer to them as that. premade*. I'm growing a little frustrated by cookie baking. Lately .......

well.

Other than setting the time longer what am I not doing?

They're the frozen kind if that matters. er. not frozen i just always refer to them as that. premade*.

Thanks! '

'so, wow. dr. phil today, w/ the anorexic woman? wow. I'm not even that bad. I wasn't at my lowest weight. Although I've not been weighed in years. I'm curious as to how much I actually weigh now but I'm also not sure how that'd go.

I've binged. i dont, anymore. when i was 17 yeah i'll be honest [not that i ever lie here], i purged. well, tried to. In my diary which was written on my computer [which i don't have now but that's another story and not something i don't know i'll ever go into] i had a list of safe foods and nonsafe foods. That's the first time i've ever admitted both those statements.

I was never one of those girls, who measured my boobs or thighs or hips or. whatever. My sister was. I never weighed myself constantly.

still don't. i'm still not. it was never a numbers game.

I'm in the triple digits. yeah barely. even at my lowest I was. well what i think was my lowest. the last time I was weighed. which was years ago. haven't been to the doctor since. and I don't want to go. precisely for that reason. because yeah I'm actually afraid to be officially diagnosed.

And if I don't want to go then no one can make me.

Here's what most people don't understand: when you live as isolated a life as I do when you live by yourself. you actually can relapse. No like, you can literally relapse as much as you want because you live by yourself. and there's no one around to say anything.

I'm not trying to make anyone jealous. I'm explaining.

And my parents still don't say much about it. When you live in a world where you're not noticed........well. it makes you all the more so.

not that we talk about such issues. and, again. i don't want to.

My sister knows. but she's also judgemental. and even though she's become sweeter i'm still remembering her as she was not as she is now. and also. she'd probably tell Mom, so.

i've never been hospitalised for this, or anything else other than surgery. and thank god i haven't. i'd never subject myself to that kindof humiliation. i'm lucky i haven't.

yeah that's actually why i quit volunteering. because i had so many relapses. often i'd tell my parents i couldn't go visit my grandparents because something had come up. but they never pushed it.

they pretty much stayed out of it.

My mom figures if i don't want to do something then i won't.

or maybe, as i've stated before, my priorities have changed.

oh sure i used to think being 112 was perfect. but now i don't. not sure what changed but something did.

at boarding school it was the usual 'oh you don't need to lose weight' but that was it. that was as far as it went. That doesn't help. I don't need to know the opposite of what I think I need to know you get it. I always need to know you fukin get it.

see, i hate that. when people go 'oh you don't need to......' lose weight, or whatever it is. that's not really dealing with the issue. that's not really being effective. In fact, all that's really doing is dismissing the issue.

but apparently, admitting when you don't know something is hard. cause everyone wants to not admit that.

I'd much much much rather have that than someone guessing. please don't ever guess. If you don't know how to help me but want to then please for the love of god tell me. really. it's not that hard.

oh but apparently it is.

uhm.

.....................................right

so i haven't really eaten in about 3 weeks. the last meal i had was saturday those quesedillas. wait. and i ate last tuesday. and tomorrow night. gettin dinner w/ a friend.

er. i mean i'm going to eat tomorrow night.

e '

'with someone [a guy] I want to back out at the last minute. except for Lane [who i already know/knew] and Tara [friend from middle school who i'm having dinner w/ tomorrow night. still monday].

Why is that?

no i'm actually asking yall for insight. Please email me [those of you who have my email] and let me know what you think.

Thanks! '

'this is meant to go w/ the dr. phil entry earlier.

i keep forgetting i've relapsed. my legs have been hurting i've been colder. next my kidneys will go.

No ok not like, actually literally go. as in, they'll start to hurt.

which is why......i bought yogurt and milk [20 to 1 a.m. tues atm] at the store today.

tryin to prevent it before it happens.

er. They haven't been hurting. well. wait.........sorry. 1 - 10 it's a 3. but it's still there something a sign.'

'26th

as you can tell i've made a slight name change. formerly lilyvanilla and now misslilyvanilla.'

'...........the works.

so. remember that guy?

i know, it's like 'which one?'

no no......the really nice one who i was going to go to the movies/dinner with. the cute funny one. patient. Jeff.

It. might not work out with him. or Jim [clearly yall wouldn't remember Jim since I haven't told yall about him].

I've been emailing Jeff and the most recent email I got read that he had night classes this week. well. ok then. See I don't want to hang out w/ people [guys] during the day. it's nothing against them. i just....i prefer night i'm more comfortable w/ myself at night.

I mean yeah ok kinda disappointed.

See?

It's not a requirement. y'know it's not like, in order to go out w/ me you have to be unavailable. it just seems to always end up that way.

which is why i don't want a boyfriend right now. well i mean i kinda do but i. won't. also I'm keeping my options open.

as for Jim, who offered to take me out. he seems like a good guy......sweet, good looking apparently a good listener. not that there's anything really pressing going on but i'd like for whomever [whoever?] i'm with to be a good listener, since the last guy i went out with wasn't.

so.......Jim cancelled on me. But. he cancelled with notification. I like that.

sometimes i'll email guys and tell them it won't work out but that's all i tell them. and honestly.......if Rob wants to know why then i'll tell him the same thing. if i don't want to continue it then i most certainly don't have to. i really don't owe him anything more.

so, back to Jim. i've emailed him and told him to let me know what works for him for getting together. that way i'm not the one always emailing them. him.

I consider myself a pretty good judge of people. and if you email me and I feel something's off then no i'm not going to continue the emails. If you're not rude, can carry on a conversation and don't ask me straightaway for one thing [sex] then........so far you're good in my book.

I might get together with a guy for drinks [dear god. for someone who doesn't drink all that often i've been.......doing just that] this Sunday. i mean, maybe.

and then there's this other guy, Chris. so far he's nice and doesn't judge. we've not gone out yet but i want to get to know you first......before i decide to. that way no one's gone to any trouble. that's the 'but other things are in the works'

'so i'm still awake. well. obviously i'm still awake i'm most certainly not typing this in my sleep i'm not that talented. although apparently some people can hold a conversation with you in their sleep. and the award for queen of obvious statements goes to.........

yeah, really.

it'd be pretty cool if I was though. it'd also be pretty cool if breakfast made itself. but that. might also be creepy.

been up since 2:34 p.m. yesterday. [3:30 a.m. atm]

And as usual at this hour i'm not sober.........although i don't feel intoxicated.

just meh. bored.

so back when I was living here [well i mean not here in the apt. i'm living now. in the previous one, but still here in CO] and i'd drink red wine i'd get headaches. yes i know why. the sulfites.

And then, for awhile I didn't.

and now I am again.

hm.

This doesn't allow for notes because it's an observation entry and therefore I don't want advice/notes'

'Well in the past when I've gone clubbing [which was only twice] I went to a goth club w/ Michael. and i had a lot of fun. Thing is, all the people at that club are these fantastically amazing dancers, and like, I know I'm a great dancer. or. so i've heard. but i sortof felt. weird idinno. off, maybe?

You would think that the people who go to a goth club aren't happy. well i'm here to tell you [that's not the only reason i'm here] you'd be wrong. no. they're probably some of the most content nicest safest yes safest people i've ever met. About 70 - 90% of the women there have been through as much as I have. they're just misunderstood is all.

I know for a fact were I to frequent that club again [probably won't happen since Michael and I aren't friends any longer. which isn't new] if I set my purse down on one of the benches nothing will happen to it. that's how safe it is there.

so, when I went to The Church a few weeks ago I thought it'd be the same way. I set my purse on a bench next to a very nice very pretty Spanish lady. and she was the one who told me not to leave it anywhere. which is why I put it with my coat in the coat check [apparently you have to take a number when you do that unless you work there? which i didn't know. yeah but if you don't have pockets or your purse, coat with you while out dancing just where exactly are you supposed to put the paper w/ said number? well....my bra but i don't wear one, so. sorry for that slight TMI]. which...led to the whole me not having my phone w/ me when Mark called and getting stranded.......thing.

but that's not what this entry's about.

If I was sitting down after dancing and a woman left her purse by me I'd make sure nothing happened to it even if I don't know her. But I also know what an inconvenience that is if you want to get up and go somewhere.

so that was one difference.

The other one is that even though I'd come with Mark [who evidently wasn't allowed to go in] we weren't like.....er.....we hadn't come as a couple. There were all these Hispanic/Mexican couples there, probably partially because it was salsa night. The women were curvier than well, me, for instance. It wasn't bad just different.

This entry's an observation one.

I'm leaving it open to notes. But. I don't want advice. [i don't know if there were any implications I did but. um. yeah]. And, as always. Please please note with caution. or, you know. don't note.'

'I'd hope no one still uses it but every so often I encounter people who do. oh, the 'r' word being the one that means the same as developmentally disabled. If you do use it please don't. No one uses it anymore and it's insulting.

That is all'

'27th

Open for discussion.

Watching the repeat of yesterday's Oprah brought this up.

I wouldn't consider myself a happy person. Most of my life I haven't been. Honestly happy people annoy me......and it literally just occured to me that maybe it's not so much they're happy as they're 'louder' than some other people and I'm not drawn to loud people. I once told my sister I like quiet people and she said "I don't. I think there's something wrong w/ them".Yes! That's precisely why I'm drawn to them. so I can hopefully help them. or. at the very least. relate to them.

Backtracking a bit here.......apparently when I was little I was happy but I don't remember that. and if i didn't remember it then it's like it didn't happen. even though it did.

...........A few

...........A few people have told me I seem like a happy person. well that's funny cuz I'm not.See I'm just really nice. There's a difference. Some people are unhappy and they're mean.

and it's like if i "gave up" being depressed then i don't know what would be there and that terrifies me. that's the same reason i don't plan my future. i mean i don't like being depressed but i'm too scared to do anything about it. but see, i don't feel this incredible compulsion to do something about it. that's what i hate about the states. i hate depression but in a weird way i'm comfortably numb there.

or else i'd be working on it a lot more.

it's like pills. if you don't feel something take a pill. if ya do, take a pill. it's all a damn quick fix.

my depression's lessened but it's still there

I hate that we always have to do something about such things.

so, yeah. Note with caution please.

"forget your troubles cmon get happy........" - judy [garland] '

'but first baking.

So today while grocery shopping w/ Mom I talked to her about my oven issues. And evidently my oven's weird. Even though I've been setting it for 325 for the cookies it's actually been at 300. so i FBed Mark about this and he said to set it for 300 which i did last night. but.....after knowing this about my oven apparently it was actually set at like, 280 or something.

which is weird because when i bake muffins they turn out fine.

and this means I have to set it for 350. and hopefully the cookies will feel like, well. cookies.

now onto the check i got from my stepgrandmother. it's for $25 and apparently she didn't give my sister one. During the holidays when we had that get together at my parents I went into the kitchen where she was and talked to her about painting. I didn't feel like I didn't make that much of an effort to talk to her. I mean, like I'm a nice person really nice. and being in the living room was a bit much with all the people in it, so. y'know why not go talk to her? no one else was. and that's just who i am because i'm a nice person. Though I get how that makes someone's night/day. like.........I didn't think 'ok so when she gets here i'll talk to her' it wasn't predetermined. it just sortof happened. wow took me awhile to get to that point.

so now I have to think of what to say in the thank you note. well. besides the obvious. i don't want advice. it was news more than anything.'

'So on ysterday's Oprah.

apparently San Louis, CA's the happiest town in America. and my mom's been there to visit a cousin of her dad's. he has a lot since his mother was one of 13. well i guess she still is even though she's dead.

From yesterday's Oprah, my gathering is it's a small community where everyone knows everyone. and everyone either walks or bikes. well everyone walks here. or buses. ok so maybe not everyone but more than people down in South FL. My dance teacher in college was surprised I walked to school and back every day. I lived 10 minutes away. I'd imagine people living in big cities like London, Paris, Sydney, D.C. and um. new york city would get a lot of excercise what with all that walking they do.

The one thing I'd change about living where I am is having a CVS literally right down the street on the same block like there was down there. I don't mind walking unless it's really cold and then I don't like it. It doesn't really feel like "excercise" because I don't have to make myself do it. I don't have to set a time out of each day to walk since to get places I walk. and that's how I grew up.

even though I walk everywhere I never go on random walks. usually i have a set destination in mind.

I don't think I'd like living somewhere where everyone knew everyone else. that's how boarding school was and i didn't like that. I only know one of my neighbors and that's only because we happened to be coming home at the same time. maybe if I knew more people I'd be happier?......but i also avoid people, so. I mean I'm not rude [well i try not to be] I just prefer to keep to myself. I know some of the clerks at Safeway, King's, the liquor store. you know, the regulars. i guess they'd be........acquaintances.

In Denver usually we're nice. pretty casual dress. If you ask for directions we'll try and help you. You can wear what you want. the weather's pretty good.......we get over 300 days of sun a year [and yet i still have SAD]. But every city has its good and 'bad' points, some people are nicer than others.

I actually live in the suburbs which is more spread out than Cherry Creek where I'm from. there it's upscale and if you cross the street the cars will stop. they stop here [the suburbs] too but it's like there they actually make a point to. there'r little stores, the post office, elementary school, the mall. and the Cherry Creek Arts Fest every July.

i'm actually not too sure what this has to do with happiness........ '

'I wonder if people who have some sort of religious affiliation are happier than those who don't. I've never been to church though I've been inside them. I didn't grow up religious. I've nothing against religion. If someone asked me to come to church with them I'd be interested/curious and most likely would go.

My only issue with religion is that prayer isn't the only thing that works. just like meds aren't. some people take medsand see a therapist. See if you're not mainstream which I never was, as in...er. an example of this would be that if you don't take meds and/or see a therapist, then you're not noticed. yeah but what about writing doesn't that count?

guess not

I'm not saying religion is bad: I'm just saying that sometimes I don't agree with it

I guess.......because people who have a religious affiliation do have something to believe in they have a reason to keep going which means they'd be happier.

But people who don't should have something to believe in as well.......again you have got to believe in something. love music prayer whatever. even if it's something silly/trivial. because if you don't then, what have ya got? exactly nothing. and then where are ya? well, again. nowhere.

I don't feel this incredible compulsion to be religious. the closest uhm.......affiliation to me is Wicca. however I've had a pretty bad experience with that [no it has nothing to do with cults. and that's as much as i'm comfortable putting], there. again, it's not bad: my experience with it was,

I'm more spiritual. but that's more in terms of.......reading people well, analysing dreams, sensing auras. it can't be tied down. it's not correlated with any specific religious affiliation. or, if it can be, again. don't feel this incredible compulsion for it to be. it just is. and i'm perfectly fine with that.

[this really isn't so much about happiness as it is my views on religion]

It seems, back in the day [the '40's, for instance] people were more religious than they are now. or maybe they're just as much now but as spread out as we are you don't ,er......at least i'm not as aware of it. My grandparents met in their church.

And yes I realise churches aren't just for services. Oftentimes my mom's choir performs in them. because they're free. They're places to meet people have choir performances. and, to dance [as i found out when i went clubbing at The Church which actually used to be a church but is now a club]. oh and they're beautiful.

Just as I've read that AA meetings aren't just for alcoholics.

[this really isn't so much about happiness as it is my views on religion]

Just as I've read that AA meetings aren't just for alcoholics.

I'm one of those people who gets excited about the stupid silly things. i.e., my sister was sick but now she's better yay! or a magazine i just bought. buying food. I still get excited that it's the weekend. i mean i know [it may be] it's trivial but.......i believe in celebrating the little things.'

'28th

still here just a change.

So last week, apparently, she [my grandfather] was talking in the night. not to anyone....i'm not sure if she was even awake. She was talking about tings she needed to get done. before she, um. you know. [if you don't the most comfortable term i'm putting is exits]. This, my mom and I heard from my grandfather. She was going on about the church. My mom said her grandmother [maternal] did the same thing, so it's not uncommon. My grandfather was....worried about this. I pointed out it's not uncommon....Mom said the church was a big part of their lives. that's where they met, sang in the choir. got married. This is the first it's happened. I'm sure it doesn't help my grandfather any.

Y'know. the song 'beauty and the beast' reminds me of my grandparents because they've been together so long. 50 years at least, this June. wow. also, 'some enchanted evening' from South Pacific. it's all so romantic.......

so. news more than anything.

Thanks for reading/noting

kiss the day goodbye the sweetness and the sorrow wish me luck the same to you but i can't regret what i did for love - 'what i did for love', A Chorus Line'

'so i've been drinking. and no that's not a substitute for i've been thinking. This is my 2nd bottle of wine in the last 2 weeks and honestly. i'm starting to wonder if i actually should be worried. or maybe others should be for me. not like overly so. but just aware. since i'm not a big drinker.

but then, on the other hand it's ok i'm 23 and i can drink [or eat......or cut......or sleep. or. whatever] as much as i want. if i want to go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of wine then damnit that's exactly what i'm going to do. idinno. mehhhh......it could go either way.

This time it's sauvignon blanc. it's pretty good wine. it has tiny bubbles! it's a good spring/summer wine. light and fruity and pulpy, almost. lush. you know how your er no not 'how. the way, rather. the way your mouth feels after you eat a lemon? that's how it feels after it ake a sip.

I'm actually not that tipsy. not as much ad......wow. not as much as were if i were drinking merlot which is a great winter wine. rich and dark and depression. and sauvignon blanc is.........uh. light and happy. if i could pick music to go with this wine it'd be Petula Clark.

i'm just really bloody tired.

[oh and when i drink at my place i'm always careful. not that anyone was implying otherwise. but i won't sit there and drink huge gulps].

still gotta write that note to my stepgrandmother. damn. and i'm avoiding it because.......? not sure. or maybe i am but i'm not consciously aware of it.

oh wow

sitting here listening to sad music. Janis Ian, Judy Collins, what i did for love. because that's how i'm feeling. and yet even though i am damn tired i still have insomnia. y'know i never drink when things are going well. last night when i went to the liquor store i was thinking i was drinking because i'm bored and i want to. there's nothing really pressing going on.

well. that's not entirely true. i'd just rather not go into it. [10 to 4 a.m. atm].

you see......something was brought up yesterday. something, as said. i'd rather not go into. but it has to do with my past.

and that's probably why i have insomnia. well. besides the obvious relapse/survival tactic. also. my sex drive is back. not that it ever left it just. lessened. yeah if you hadn't gotten any in more than a month [and by 'any' i mean sex, not. er. action] you'd be pretty damn frustrated/short too.

so.........yeah.'

'29th

just got back from my Friday night 'date'.

and omygod what a nice guy. he's polite and........shit man. he totally gets it. the way Michael did. he [Chris, sorry didn't clarify before] gets the spiritual aspect of me. we totally hit it off and i really want to hang out again. Chris is really funny too. if a man can't make me laugh. well. obviously that's not good......attentive.

yeah so i might be starting to fall for him. damnit. i'm a 23 yr old w/ a hell of a sex drive......ya think? it's been awhile since i last got any action and even longer since i last got laid. it's not that i want to kiss him; it's that i want to kiss anyone. well. and more. yes i'm sexually frustrated! dear god!

But that's not what this entry's about.

This entry's about the comparison to Michael and how weird? uncanny? unusual? pick a word any word.......their similarities are. and this makes me feel......idinno. not bad just........er......um......but. uncomfortable i guess[?]. not in an awful way but..........ugh god bloody hell. for the life of me i cannot think of the damn word.

yeah i know. i know. i'm overthinking this. so what's new.'

'just hung out w/ another friend. Eliot. asian, cute, older, kinda hot. he is so calm......which i'm not used to. i'm calm myself but also excitable. that's not bad. just different.

we went to his place which is about a 10 minute drive. watched Big Bang theory, cuddled. i had half a glass of port. in his living room he kissed me. it was probably the sweetest kiss i've had in awhile. slow and hollywood.

in the email i'd told him i'd wanted cuddling. it was really nice. we watched the show in the basement.

if i didn't have a prior engagement today i'd have stayed at his place......i mean. not that i ever mean to impose. as comfortable as it all was i missed mine. because i love being home.

damn. that's the most action i've gotten in a week and it wasn't even that much. no but it was fine. i wanted to get out bc i was bored/lonely/anxious/restless/wide awake. still am. wide awake that is.

it reminded me of Michael's neighbor's, w/ the couch and the big tv in the basement.....

i didn't/don't want it to end

it's not like we're going out. after all i just met the guy. we're just friends. and if that and talking is all we do then i am totally fine w/ that.'

'yeah there is. oh and. the dream.

weird nonsensical title.

or.......not?

it's near 5 a.m. here. listening to my 3 a.m. mix.

so, that dream. the one i had like, last week. said i didn't want to talk about it.

It was about being assaulted. yeah. you can see why i didn't want to talk about it. either my uncle or my dad were assaulting me. i was clothed.

now. given i have ptsd/don't trust my dad, yeah. on an almost ridiclously simple level it makes sense.

and maybe that's all it is. is ridiclously. fukin simple. and all it comes down to and all it ever has to be.

that's one thing that's been bothering me.

The other. is........this current relapse.

[whenever i say/write 'there's nothing pressing going on' i mean at that precise moment]

took this damn long for the bloody symptoms to present themselves. First the leg pain, a 1. on the scale [pain scale]. and yes. my kidneys have started to hurt. or maybe not so much hurt.....but there's 'that empty shell where you expect pain to be' as taken from the book 'time traveler's wife'. loved that book.

And yeah even though it's not much it's still fuking there man it still means something. god.......some......sometimes. it means everything.

no obviously it means someting.

give it bout 2 weeks and. the kindey pain'll get worse.

this isn't new. it's just been awhile.

which is precisely why....precisely why.......i've been buying yogurt/drinking milk. i buy yogurt anyway. [kidney pain means you need calcium btw. least it does for me].

There was a time when. i. i'd eat and the pain would get worse. but the only thing that makes the pain go away is eating. because pian is your body's way of telling you something's wrong. well yeah.

it's like a catch22.

um.

And yesterday. my blood sugar plummeted to a level it hasn't in awhile. and......right before i went out i couldn't breathe well. god i only wish it was as simple as a damn anxiety attack.

i ate Bugles. i know bugles wow.

But see. last night wasn't about relapse. or damn recovery. or my symptoms or why or science or biology or pain or.....dear god being absolutely consumed by bloody everything. in my disease. er. of, my disease. rater.

I want to get away from my eating disorder i want to get out of my own head but i can't because even when i do it's. still there with me. ya know?

like. ok. you can't step out of yourself because you're always in yourself. weird but best way i can think of to describe it.

no. last.......last night was about the present. whatever present moment it was. near the end of the movie [oh we saw No Strings Attached] i became a little detached.

but, as Idina Menzel put it, that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in.

no. it doesn't. it's called lucidity for a reason love.

uh............so, in a weird opposite way, the pain is the opposite of how Advil works. [i know, what?]. see, Advil takes 20 minutes to kick in. to stop pain. and the kidney pain takes 2 week to........uhhh............increase.

I'm astounded I'm still here, honestly.

yeah it's a little terrifying. but it's always been terrifying it just hasn't. um. presented itself untill now.

And then........[yes there's more] uh..........................................last night/this morning reminding me of Michael. which is. hard. yeah that's a good word hard. uncomfortable. i don't like it.

no. that is exactly it. i don't like it. it reminds me how much he hurt me..........how much i cared. how much he cared. sure we weren't in love going out. but i certainly had feelings for him. i think we all know that.

and he was so nice. i hope he's doing well. and it was his birthday last week, so. i was gonna phone/FB him. i might, in March. after valentine's day and all. and explain that yeah i was selfish and it hurt me his friends didn't have the balls to come talk to me.

because, other than when i have my bad nights, i am not a scary woman. i don't even look scary!

er.........no. intimidating that's what i meant.

and remind him that the ball's in his court if he ever wants to get back together again.

eventually i'll stop trying but idinno when that'll be. most certainly not now.

so.........that's the other thing.

and here's the big and most present one. god.........reality checks suck. which is why i don't like them. well that's both a given and obvious given most people don't like things that suck. which is why they suck.

i actually have a point here.

[and as usual thank you for sticking with me thus far]

so last night Chris and I were talking. and he was saying if you don't like something then change it. well remarkable as she is Maya Angelou said the exact same thing.

we all know i'm the reason i'm depressed. if someone were to ask me why......i'd say no. no i know exactly why. exactly. i wouldn't tell them because i wouldn't want them to look at me differently.

as though it's really that damn simple. to change something if you don't like it. as though it's that damn easy. that's why i don't like it.

no but it is. I complicate things i really do make them harder than they need to. because yeah maybe being ordinary just actually isn't enough for me.

I mean I don't have borderline and am a pretty understanding/flexible person and if ya gotta leave or are gonna be late or. whatever. i completely get that. i don't like it but i get it. ya know?

i don't like where i am but i'm comfortable here. yeah i could change shit man. i could do a hell of a lot more than i am right now. and i know for a fact i know damn well that i'm not.

it's.......it really is true. i'd rather be comfortable than happy. which proves happiness and comfort aren't always the same thing. i also know that simple and easy aren't the same.

and yeah that

and yeah that bugs the living hell out of me. that Chris mentioned it. i mean........oh 'it' being if you don't like something change it. but he's not the first to notice/think so. i'm sure a bunch of you on here think the same damn thing. Jacob does and he's told me so making me feel fukin horrible which is another reason i won't talk to him. and i'm sure if anyone said anything like that i wouldn't talk to you. and then where would you be.

no......it's not a question of you. really. actually. it's a question of me. where would i be.

i'd be fukin nowhere more than i already am.

i'm not likely to talk to people who are that harsh with me. what's weird [/interesting] is.......i can manage to deal with me.

it's like, ok if i really am worried about this whole drinking thing then yeah i'd stop. well i mean cmon if someone gives you a drink/beverage then you're most likely to finish it.

but i don't stop. more out of habit.

or maybe all i needed was a little push. maybe that's all we ever really fukin need[ed].

i know i certainly wouldn't tell my friends the above. no hell no. if I know you're the reason you're depressed than i most certainly won't tell you.

because i have this ridiclous damn pathological need to please people. always have.

it's almost as if..........and this literally just occured to me. that. i'm counting on others to, well. basically keep me alive. keep me from swallowing pills. or cutting. or. whatever.

yeah and what's so wrong with that?

wow. for a sweet person i'm really kindof a bitch.

Please no notes.'

'31st

.......to the wind/secret diary of a call girl that's what i was last night.

No. ok. I wasn't a call girl. [though the idea's always fascinated me and i've often wondered....] but at times I felt like one.

I seem to be doing that quite a bit, throwing caution to the wind. yeah i "should" care but i really don't, for certain situations.

So took a cab to a hotel got there at midnight. i luckily had enough money to pay the cabbie. [there's a word i've never used]. I called the guy I was going to meet up with. he didn't pick up. I told the cabbie I'd be fine and went into the hotel.

where I waited for an hour. other than being really bored it wasn't bad. I was sitting there thinking well, i could've gone up to his room and he could've done something i didn't want/like, so. the weird[/interesting] thing was that in that time no one had wondered why i was there. guess i expected them to actually, you know. like, care or. something. i know that if i were at a hotel and saw a random 23 yr old woman i'd ask if she was ok and needed somewhere to stay. wouldn't do it for a guy though. but maybe i just care and am a lot less self-absorbed than most. and, even if she seemed ok that's not the point.

there's not a whole lot of activity going on at midnight at hotels, apparently other than cleaning.

called Jacob. yes. i know. explained to him why we hadn't been talking 2 out of the 3 reasons. he mademe feel like all i was was a ssex symbol and........when he's drunk he's not very nice. hell even if he was sober and not very nice i wouldn't want to talk to him. i don't want to be around people who aren't nice. and he apologised but see. the things w/ apologies is that..........they don't mean much to me. you can't undo something you can't unsay something.

so.......I went outside. because i was bored being inside. for a few minutes. tried to figure out how to get home. went back inside asked the front desk guy if he could give me the room # of the guy's room telling him the guy was a friend of mine. which well he wasn't. but i didn't want him thinking i was atthe hotel to meet some random guy. which actually is precisely what i w as doing. but you know if you say someone's a friend then it's assumed you know the person. and 'friend' 's just a shorter word. he [front desk guy. i know they're called 'receptionists' but that brings to mind images of a woman. what'sthe diff. between a receptionist and a concierge or are they the same thing?] told me he couldn't to which i told him i understood, policy. [as in, i understood because it's policy].

so then i left because i decided i better get out of there before they start asking more questions.

by that time it was between 1 and 2. a.m.

[oh and before i came back in to the hotel jacob and i hung up]

so i went into a lobby of a conference center across the street. it was nice. sat down. it was quieter than the hotel. and empty. i figured oh i'll stay here untill 5 [when the buses start running again]. i got the feeling i probably wasn't "supposed" to be there. but i do a few things i'm probably not "supposed" to. and?..........and i sure as hell wasn't going to go walking around 16th st between 1 and 2 in the morning. i learned that from the last time i was "stranded" there. i may make mistakes i may not always make the right decisions and i may. be cute.

but i'm sure as hell not stupid.......i'm smart got a good head on my shoulders know whatsup.

I was thinking of going to Leela's [a cafe which is open 24hrs thank god] but, like i said. not wandering around downtown at that hour.

So after a few minutes a senior citizen came from.........somewhere. he looked like he worked at the center. i told him my situation andthat i'm not sure there's anything he could do. he was helpful however. told me the 15 [bus] was still running for another hour.

so I took that bus asked if they were going anywhere near Monaco or Leetsdale. [i live near those streets]. the driver told me he was going to Colfax and Monaco and that i really didn't have much choice. well. really? no really? thank you captian obvious. coulda knocked me over w/ a feather. or. something.

well i could've told him that.

took the bus got off there. it's just a straight shot down Monaco to my place. Colfax is 15th [somehow.] 1st is in front of Cherry Creek Mall. my point is that the streets are numbered.

so phoned the guy left a message. phoned Jacob to distract myself from being creeped out by all the trees and the grates. er. 'grates' no uhhhhhhhh......um................m..........lol. vent no.......drains*! that's the word, drains. at that hour a few things are creepy.

I'd walked down Monaco before though not at that hour. I walked down it in June after PrideFest when the buses weren't running on their usual schedule. so i knew how to get home.

got home 20 mins to 4,

it wasn't bad just cold and a long way. but i sure as hell wasn't going to stand there in the event some random dude came and......yeah. figure, the more ya keep movin the less likely that is to happen.'

'woke up between 12 and 1, got ready. Dad [oh good. my favorite person. sarcasm] picked me up and we went to my grandmother's building. where she was in a chair. er.

ok........sorry that wasn't very clear.

There was a guy [italian from new york of course] who came to sing Sinatra at my grandmother's. and in the front room. place. [not really a living room or a lobby. an extension ofthe entrance, i guess. she lives in an apt. building] there were chairs set up. She and her husband John were sitting. there was a microphone and speakers set in front of the fireplace where the guy was.

I was actually really surprised my grandmother had come down since she doesn't go anywhere. [this is my dad's mom]. I didn't expect h er to come down. Dad sat by John while Isat by my grandmother. we got there around 140. I thought the event started between 1 and 2 so I thought we were late. which. we weren't.

It was a nice day. and windy since each time someone opened the doors of the building the wind blew in. My grandmother told me I could sit by my dad where it's not as windy/cold. um. no.

We waited for a few minutes. A guy who worked there was helping a few of the senior citizens to their seats. There were about 10 to 20 people who came. Then the guy sang. He was good, sangthe songs differently. His first was 'fly me to the moon' which my grandmother really likes. He sang 'the way you look tonight' [i love that], 'summer wind', 'lady is a tramp', a Dean Martin one, 'when you're smiling' and a few others. an instrumental of 'girl from impenana' [sp?]. told a few jokes. he was funny but not overlyso. my dad requested 'summer wind'. I really like 'sunny side of the street'. [cyndi lauper covered that. If you've ever seen Father Of The Bride Part 2, it's the first song in the movie]. There were a few I didn't know. He [the guy] asked if I knew any of the songs. hey. I only look young.......never assume. next time someone asks if I know about the golden age of hollywood I'll go "well do you know who Lillian Gish is?" [under no circumstances should a woman my age know who that is. Please. don't read too much into that]. [oh, Lillian Gish was a silent film actress back in the beg. of the 20th century......she was. a stunner. my great grandmother's era]. yeah throw that card back at 'em. No..........no i wouldn't i'm too nice.

Yeah........they don't make 'em like that anymore........Sinatra, Dino, Nat King Cole, Cole Porter.......now we have Natalie Cole, Harry Connick Jr., Michael Buble...........Funny Girl, High Society, DeLovely.........the golden age is gone.

He sang for about an hour. it was short but nice. Dad took me home.

Part 2 comin up!

*The woman who sat next to me, after the performance was having trouble standing. I watched her for a few minutes then asked "excuse me. do you want help?" "yes" "what can I do?" "I don't know" "ok". that's cool I'll wait I'm patient. I mainly watched/observed her.

*One woman, Ethel had stood leaving her purse on her chair. Dad picked it and I brought it to her.'

'not by anyone here. well. i hope not.

So I want/need the number for a 24hr nursing service. So if I've a medical emergency and something happens I can call them and find out what to do. I've never had to but it's better to have it and not need it than. yeah.

I'm in the States [obviously] if it helps.

Thanks!

*I'm not asking you to tell me to look it up: I'm asking if you know of one. there's a difference.

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nothispenelope

Jan. in The Wonderland Years: 2011: entries, 1/2 done

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