Writing in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

1:38 p.m. Central Standard Time

Yes, second entry today. Yes, I should be “working.” But right now my working is mostly… making phone calls for my bosses and trying to figure things out for them. Because that is my job? Honestly, I think they thought they were hiring a Legal Assistant. It would explain the pay.

I have my Assessment at 4:30 today. I’ll sit there and listen to them tell me things like “You work hard, but not well. We’ve had lots of complaints. What is it you do with your time?” And I’ll (hopefully) say the following
(1) There are two law schools within 15 minutes of 2/3 of our offices. Intern to Employed would be in your best interest as a firm.
(2) I’m not the guy. I’m going to work hard, do my best, and try as hard as I possibly can. But this firm needs, and deserves, someone who can tackle things with more energy, gusto, and excitement.
(3) I’m trying for a new job. I know I could have applied, been rejected, and avoided this conversation… but that would have been disrespectful to you. Instead, I’d like to tell you that… there is a slim chance of getting this job with the Government, but I wanted you to know I’m trying.

The whole thing makes me feel… complicated? For instance, today? I’ve been at work since 8. Had clients cancel meetings, waste my time, etcetera. I have also wasted my time a little because my brain is all akimbo with everything going on and I am trying to stay calm. But… given all of that… given that I have done what is assigned to me, made multiple phone calls for the partners, and done research and shit… I still have less than 2 hours of billable work today. Despite “work” requiring 5 hours of my time so far. So yeah… a job with a salary instead of billable hours would be nice. ESPECIALLY a job with a salary higher than I was making in Tiny Town. But then… of course, my brain gets in the way.... (1) What if the bosses demand that I not apply? (2) What if the bosses tell me it is okay, they understand, and support… only to tank me if there is a call? (3) What if the bosses just lose their shit and start threatening me? (4) What if the bosses are totally cool with it; I apply, and I don’t get the job? (5) What if the bosses are totally cool with it; I apply, I don’t get the job… and the bosses decide to fire me because I was looking for a new job? I mean… this is my brain right now.

3:08 p.m. Central Standard Time

To the point where… a few hours later, I’m… almost hyperventilating. This is why I need structure, dammit. This is why a Government Job is better for me. The more question marks in the air, the more unhinged I am.

4:25 p.m. Central Standard Time

We’ll see what happens. Time for the Assessment and the shit to hit the fan.

BUT FIRST
I read an interesting article about wanting something so much that you cosmically prevent yourself from getting it. The whole idea being… if people think you’re relying on this thing you don’t have… they won’t give it to you, because they don’t want you to rely on them. Instead, you need to present yourself confidently. Demonstrate that you are interested, knowledgeable, and keen… but that if they say NO, they aren’t doing you any personal harm. This is how I must approach the cover letter for this Job Opportunity I want and am hoping to apply for. But now? The Shit.

I didn’t expect them to do Compliment Sandwich. That was a surprise. I expected them to do Chinese Firing Squad. But, as is often the case, with White Boss there it was a bit less… tense. They say I am smart and the stuff I know I know very well. They say they can tell I’m a hard worker, at least mostly. They want me to be more independent, spend more time in branch offices by myself, they want me to arrive 30 minutes early to anything/everything they ask me to do (they were big on this because last week, when Chinese Boss told me to meet her at her house instead of the office, despite both of us being in the office all morning… I didn’t immediately arrive at her house). They also want me to stop making “fundamental mistakes”. I smiled. Nodded. Accepted what they were saying. In my head? I wanted to remind them of a few things. Like… the “fundamental mistake” thing? I wanted to ask, “You mean like not signing your employees’ checks?” But I remained stoic, conciliatory… let them do the ‘schizo thing where they keep saying, “As people we like you and think you’re great; but as lawyers running a business, you just need to do better.”

I told them about trying for the job. Assuring them I was unlikely to be accepted for it. Chinese Boss had… a weird mood swing… about it. First, a little shocked. Then mad. Then spiteful. She asked if I was already looking to trade them in and should they be looking for my replacement if I’m going to leave at the first sight of something else. Then she realized that… actually, yes. Not that I’m leaving or looking to desperately get out… I’ll do this job until it kills me, I’m fired, or I have strong reason to leave. But as a 3 person firm with 3 offices… yes. You should always be looking for more attorneys. Because, and I did say this, what if you get a resume from a Chinese Speaking Immigration Attorney who wants to move to Iowa for family reasons. To which Chinese Boss said, “That actually happened, but we lost our patience with him never responding to our offer so we advertised again, and that’s when we got you.”

Then Chinese Boss kind of thought… wait… why do you want this job? I was like… Um… massive funding increase and health insurance. She encouraged me by saying that I could be eligible for Health Insurance with them in 2 years. And y’know… yeah. I like my bosses as people… I like them as humans… I just… don’t think they are great at the whole Managing Partner thing. So, yes. I do still hope I get this government job. Because then it would be (1) Right City; (2) Right Money; (3) Right Type of Law. And that would be appreciated.