My Internet Best Friend. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.
- Feb. 3, 2014, 5:19 p.m.
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- Public
I find it fascinating what a small community this is. Despite the fact that there are still plenty of people I don't know, and I would assume don't know me either, there's still this common heritage between us all on some level. So many "Diariest" I've passed by had been on Open Diary since '99 or '00, which makes me slightly jealous, as I joined in late '01. Like, dawg, I was THERE, and hell, we all know I made some chaos on my own.
It makes me wonder. What's it like starting new on one of these sites? Are they completely archaic in their function? Fourteen years ago, there was no twitter or tumblr or facebook or instagram. For "young people" to interact on the internet, Open Diary was a novelty in the ability to bring people together. For those of us that have been here a "long" time, the novelty was the ability to splay yourself online, without judgement or "fear" of anybody "you knew" reading you.
But, again, for those of us who have been here a while, let's not kid ourselves: we started censoring ourselves ages ago. We gain readers and suddenly, gasp, we give a shit. Whether we intend to or not, we do. What starts as friendship born from vulnerable things gained, we suddenly don't want to share "other" things out of fear of the same judgement we came online to avoid.
Which leaves us.. where?
Or perhaps I'm just talking about myself. It's no secret I deliberately changed my style to writing to stop being the "Timmy" that I once was, to stop being the attention-whore, to write far more personal things rather than simply waving my arms for mindless notes. I wanted me to be me. And let me tell you, that's scary shit. It feels like so long ago that I was that attention-craving person. Yet, I remind myself why I craved attention. It comes back to feeling loved. The affection of strangers made me feel loved. It got me through some immensely dark times.
And now? I've spent an immense amount of energy trying to develop my "real" life. It's.. like trying to hang out with a bunch of old friends but forgetting how you used to act. And so you just sit quietly in the corner, recounting old stories of glory. How do I even begin with this current life I live? How do I continue being Timmy when I don't even know who I am in the first place?
Deleted user ⋅ February 03, 2014
It is maturity that you experiencing.
Timmy™ Deleted user ⋅ February 03, 2014
If that's the case, I've been "mature" for eight years or more now, and would rather turn back the clock.
Deleted user Timmy™ ⋅ February 03, 2014
It sucks, right? I was a lot more fun until I grew up. Some times I get silly like I used to.
Timmy™ Deleted user ⋅ February 03, 2014
Now that I think about it, it's only been in more recent years that I developed my sense of humor. Oh sure, it's been so plain to see on some of these pages. But when I started this job, well, I was quiet and shy. Now I'm known for bad puns and watery beans.
Mum of Yum ⋅ February 03, 2014
Hopefully writing can help you find Timmy. That sounds like it should be a hashtag.
Timmy™ Mum of Yum ⋅ February 03, 2014
Thinking now, I think part of what happened is I found more outlets for my interior monologue. I used to go through my day thinking about what to post, what to write, what was in my head, and then come here to organize my thoughts. I dare say almost all of that energy goes to real-life friends now. GASP.
ParyNoid ⋅ February 03, 2014
I think you've explained what quite a few of us are feeling perfectly.
Pintador ⋅ February 03, 2014
I read a few of your entries, and probably a few more of your notes over the years and this is definitely a "new Timmy." I think I like him... And you basically answer your own question with your new writing style.
(Just started following you yesterday after I saw your appearance on the OD Facebook page).
Justlovely ⋅ February 03, 2014
Timmy, I was an off-again, on-again lurker on your OD for years. I bookmarked you when I saw you over here, for shits and giggles, without expectation or any idea at all of what I would read. Do you still like to write? Then, write. Whatever. Whenever. Decide what you would like to keep more private, and what you'd like to share. I think a majority of us former OD people have a sense of respect about boundaries and confidentiality regarding what we share on the "diary". (Well, except for my friends who used to read my diary while sitting on work computers...still do...), but hey. I hope you'll keep writing, whatever comes out on the paper.
Timmy™ Justlovely ⋅ February 03, 2014
Thank you, I try to remind myself of that.
Greenie ⋅ February 03, 2014
Just write. You'll find yourself. Maybe you never were the old Timmy.
Timmy™ Greenie ⋅ February 03, 2014
Such a dark thought: What if that WAS actually me? That sense of humor, which only now has surfaced into the Real World. I remember those days, constantly pushing myself out there, resolving to never hide, never write favorites-only, keep pushing the boundaries.
Hunter Valentine ⋅ April 26, 2014
I started writing at OD in 1999 ... It was a website that I shared with NOBODY ... Oh, I wanted to tell everyone I knew about it, but no. It was my place. My space before MySpace was cool. The entries flowed.
I'm finding it very hard to start again here. I'm so glad this is here. I've written an into to me, but I can't let it flow. I think I may be traumatized ... Afraid to begin again just to have it ripped from me again? Perhaps. Surely, I haven't lost my creative mojo. :-/