Yeah, it is totally my fault in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

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Last night, there was a Rehearsal and a Rehearsal Dinner for my wedding. Wife got absolutely shit faced because (according to her) she loves my family so much. SO… since she is nearing blackout drunk… she wants to have sex. Because I haven’t had sex since early August… I think, sure… whatever. So we have sex… but neither of us finishes or even enjoys it… because at that point… she is doing it because she is PLASTERED and feels obligated and I am doing it because… for Christ’s sake… Sex Once a Month maybe is just… cruelty. So… yeah. We have sex. That satisfies neither of us.

In the morning, my hard-on is so raging that I worry it will ruin the wedding! And yet… I cannot masturbate it gone no matter how I try. Instead, I take a shower… go to the lobby… eat Breakfast… and meet the Groomsmen to go to the Groom’s house. We hang out for a while, go to the church… and, if I haven’t mentioned it? Well.... My cousin is the final son of a former Fortune 500 CEO who averaged 7.4 mil per year. He is marrying (he has married) a Polynesian Princess. So… her guests, bridesmaids… everyone.... is full of BEAUTIFUL Irish (for some reason) and Asian individuals. Shit, her hot cousin did a seductive as fuck hula dance at this wedding. So… I am surrounded by beautiful women that have good jobs and don’t spend every fucking minute of their lives whining. AND I fall directly back into “This is what I would do if were single” mode. Which is not suave, it is not smooth… it is broody. It is very broody. And that is who I am if/when I am single. I’m not the guy cutting a rug in the middle of the dance floor. I am the guy at the back of the ballroom contemplating the nature of “The Future’ and shit. And so… surrounded by Cali and Asian and Irish women? I am the quiet guy in the corner.

That is where I am. Still. My marriage… is a painful shit storm in many ways. But… even when surrounded by my preferred people… I can’t even speak up. So no wonder I am in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill… doesn’t work… but she chose me.

God.

Why can’t I express myself in a confident way in which I actually go after things I want? Or people, for that matter.