Impossible Dreams in My Fucking Feelings

Haven’t written in a while. Not sure about the security of this online format anymore. I mean, I do make it public, but I also want to be anonymous. I don’t give my journal out to anyone. It’s possible that I’m paranoid, but not likely given the stalking that’s happened in the past.

My CNA class is going well. But also I’m exhausted and burnt out. My onlime college semester hasn’t even started yet! My son’s birthday is coming up fast and its still not arranged. I need to change the oil in my car. My house is still not clean. I am constantly feeling like I need a break. Going to shows used to be my time to relax and have a good time, but it’s hard to convince myself to go to them without having anyone I know come with me. I need a regular concert buddy.

I’ve been dreaming lately. Thinking of impossible things. Things I could probably never accomplish. But I figured, why not? So here are aome of my wildest dreams:

Discover a cure for ‘agent orange’, HIV, HSV, Diabetes, Cancer.

Rehabilitate nefarious serial killers like Charles Manson.

Create a free worldwide network of renewable energy to power the world.

Give everyone free internet, phone, and text access completely untracked.

Facilitate low cost travel worldwide through cruise ships and trains.

Create a way for amputees to regrow limbs.

Prove the existence of mystical energy through experiements involving auras, mind reading, and premonition.

Reverse social stigma against people with personality disorders.

Be accepted into the Mensa society.

Earn J’s forgivness, trust, and friendship.

This last one may not seem so impossible, but for me sometimes it feels like the most improbable of them all. I can’t change the past. There’s no mathmatical formula for friendhip. There’s no magic ‘make it better’ button, and he won’t even let me apologise. Even if I did somehow make progress, his sister will make sure it’s all ruined. She will turn me into a villan juat like ahe did last time. Fuck it. First the world, then J. If I can save the world I can do anything right?