Untitled in meh...

Former bff contacted me today.
Was probably bored. We had a catch up session. We talked about my kids and her son. She has the option to send her son to his father. My children are practically adults and not really thriving.

I don’t know why I get on edge when it’s alluded to that I coddle my kids and suck as a mother. I don’t know how to not fix it even when I can’t.

I never had anyone in my corner guiding me and showing me the right way. Now I got scorned, scolded, and raged at when something was wrong, but no help was ever offered. I know how it feels to just want everything to fall in place after putting in the work and everything falls apart. I know how it feels to not have much of if any of a support system. I never wanted to be the kind of mother to my kids that their father’s sister was to her daughter, or son for that matter. With the daughter, between me, the grandmother and the sister in law, we helped niece get through life and away from her mother. She still has issues, but for the most part she has turned out to be a decent woman.

Truth is I keep trying to be that parent that can bail out their kids, because I know the hardship. But that doesn’t help them. But also, my mother’s first inclination wasn’t to kick me out. My kids saved me in a way. I got on my grind because of them and I remain on my grind. I wish they had drive. But instead, they have me. And me doesn’t have much going on. If they were doing well, I’d still be at home watching tv, going to work, coming home, finding my way to the bottom of a bottle. Maybe. I get bored with stuff sometimes so I may not drink like that.

It’s who I am and it’s hard to change. Especially when my grandchildren could suffer. Sometimes, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I’m just not good with what is known as tough love.

::sighs::

Happy Saturday though…