Waterworks in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

I just went through all of my missed e-mail.
It wasn’t even that bad but one e-mail was (again, another) E-Mail about typos in my work. I put a client’s birthday as 7/27/17 instead of 7/27/67. E-Mail just said “Proof read your work before sending it in. Client’s birthday is wrong. Please pay attention.” (Chinese Boss)
Of course… after that e-mail, I received an e-mail from White Boss. “I asked you to file an appearance, make a file, and add the hearing to my calendar. You filed an appearance for me but didn’t do the rest. I cannot miss hearings and I would not expect this to be okay. You need to get more organized with this stuff!”

And honestly… I just want to cry. It seems ridiculous. But really… I just… want to start sobbing. It is only two e-mails saying “Get better” but the problem is… this is the exact kind of thing that they’ve been saying the whole time. And they are right. I need to get things right. I can’t turn in shoddy work or forget to do things. But I honestly can’t remember making those mistakes. The client’s birthday thing? I remember specifically thinking “Huh, that is my mom’s birthday but a few years apart.” So if I took notice of it; why would I type in 2017? And the hearing thing? I’m not some wet behind the ears stoner-slacker who doesn’t understand the value of hearings. SERIOUSLY, if I had seen a hearing come up, I would have put it on the calendar. I know that those are important. So… I’m left to think… what is wrong with me? Why can’t I get it together? Why are these simple things continuing to plague me? Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Because my own personal shit? My failing marriage, my jacked up health… those aren’t allowed to be excuses here.

I just… I want to break, y’know? Everybody else seems to get to. Here’s where I go overboard and get offensive, I guess. But… it just seems like such a cruel trick. Like the gods were like “We’ll give him chronic pain, but not so bad that he’s bedridden. We’ll give him a host of weird maladies, but never anything so bad he has to be hospitalized. We’ll give him a marriage, but one that takes his strength and doesn’t provide emotional support or physical affection.” I’m envious of Cancer Patients! I know that is ridiculous. Nausea, death, all of it… but… Cancer means rest and hospital care. I genuinely think I need that right now but… I have nothing that would qualify. What? “Life is so hard that you need to just not exist for a few days? TOUGH. Existence is basically the one thing you are required to do all the time!”

I am in pain. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I can’t get my shit together at work; despite actually being good at my job (in many ways). I can’t get my shit together at home; I’ve been trying for years. I can’t get my shit together personally; I’m out of energy and strength. I need that kind of MATTHEW 11:28 rest. I’m gonna go somewhere and keep fighting these tears that threaten to come out in great sobs.