Respite in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

I haven’t been sleeping well. I haven’t exactly been in a healthy place. And all of that on top of 10 to 15 hour days at work. So I called in sick today. Said I had a low-grade fever and would be working from home. Is it the truth? In a LOT of ways. So… I’m resting today. And resting (while SUPER FUCKING NECESSARY) lends me to thinking.

There are three women in my life/past that have had super big problems with negativity, depression, self-hate… that sort of thing. Now… I am feeling particularly weak and a little worn out… so this may take a while to write down and even then it may not make any sense.

Aku
This is the girlfriend that tried to kill me. So one may think there isn’t a lot of good things I can say. But lets try to be as objective as possible. She wasn’t depressed so much as she was… disturbed. We only dated for 8 months, but in that time she was committed twice. Her disturbance was largely… just… she felt like she was the World’s Punching Bag and so she would vacillate between being accepting of it and depressed OR fighting against it and being manic. And as her boyfriend, it was exhausting… in a lot of ways. When she was depressed; if I didn’t fix her sad, she’d get FURIOUS at me. Because if she is the World’s Victim, the people who care about her should take care of her. When she was manic; she was horny as fuck. Which was also exhausting because I was celibate at the time. Well… “celibate.” Since I had to deal with her and my own wishes were not considered important when it came to maters sexual… I participated in just about everything BUT vaginal/anal sex. That being said… I was visually rewarded… from a certain point of view. You see, Aku had shapely 36 C breasts and she was very proud of them. She also loved all forms of manipulation. So, knowing I was a leg man… knowing that the sexiest thing to me is being wanted… she would use that. All the time. So… yeah. Emotionally, the relationship was a terrible train wreck. But there was a considerable amount of sexual and physical “play.”

Aoife
I have written a lot about her here, so I’ll try not to say too much more. Aoife and I very honestly didn’t work out because of her negativity and self-hate. And it is funny to say that because she was the one that kept us from being together because of that. She knew that I would want to stay with her whether it was healthy for me/us or not. Our conversations would almost always focus on one of three things. (1) Her issues with food; she was a closeted anorexic; (2) how depressed she was about life in general; (3) personal sexual preferences. Our sexual play was intense, very fun, and open to new or experimental things.

Wife
I don’t have to outline this one.

So… yeah. Of the three women with whom I have been sexual all of them had issues with negativity. Leave it to me to marry the one who was also the least sexual.

Ah well.