It's been a day. in My Fucking Feelings

I went to a show today. It’s been a while. At first it was cold. It is hard to feel people thinking bad things about you and smiling to your face, and then jut politely sit back and act like you don’t know. A few people tried to make it better for me. I don’t know if their sentiments were genuine or they just feel bad for me, but the kindness was much appreciated and won’t soon be forgotten. It’s the little things.
Talking to people.
Shaking hands.
Being invites to be a part of something.
A smile.
A thank you.
Anything really.
Because being so strange makes it almost impossible not to feel alone. I have been trying to do so much lately. My CNA stuff, and I’m starting to fall behind on school, and I’m trying to keep my friends on track too. But I have spent most of my time either alone or with people whom I work with. Casual contact has been limited. Meaningful conversation is at a low low. It’s easy to feel invisible when you don’t talk. It’s easy not to talk when nobody cares. It’s easy for people not to care when they don’t really know who you are. They don’t really know who you are until you start to discuss real issues. Maybe I should try bringing them up.

My vape died. I smoked a few cigarettes. As a result, I cannot sleep now. I should have said no, but it was nice to be offered, and can’t seem to quit entirely. Very frustrating.

Sometimes it’s a struggle to get through life, like treading water. Always reaching out to meet new people, and yet, it never works. But also, life is one hell of an adventure. I can’t possibly give up until I see how the story ends.

Can you see me?
Or are you still dead?
hate.
it will eat your soul, love.
let go.
be alive.
it hurts me to see you so hollow inside.