well fuk. ed stuff. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

well fuk. as put. they think i have an ed......i think.......maybe. [well i do not like it’s a secret and it certainly isn’t now.]. [however. they don’t think i cut or that i’m an alcoholic. which i don’t.cut that is.]. They haven’t said, that but.......I put 2 and 2 together. yeah so awhile ago when I was at my mom’s I said something to her about that I only have enough on my card to go 1ce, maybe twice a month. and, she knows i don’t eat what the lady cooks. like ever. Some time ago the lady had dinner ready for me between 5:10 and 5:30. and then she stopped doing that. and i guess my mom said something to her about that that’s when i want to eat. which i didn’t want her to. i was fine w/ that fact that i wasn’t eating dinner.
no.....no i wasn’t. I was fine w/ it bc it wasn’t a change.bc no one had said anything about it untill recently. that’s why i was fine w/ it.
so. yall know i’m in recovery. [and if you didn’t before well you certainly do now.]. In the bathroom at our previous house there was a scale. which the lady probably still has it’s just.not in the bathroom anymore. and yes i used to weigh myself. yeah well but here’s the thing. when the number went down that’s when i didn’t like it. whereas at some point ago i wouldn’t’ve. eds were never a number game for me and it’s not about size or looks. it never really was, about looks. and it isn’t for some people and i think that’s what a lot of people don’t understand.
You know people might go ‘well you’d still look good’. no it’s not about that. yeah I regret opening up to my mom and telling her that. the thing about money. but I can’t be the person who won’t. that is not allowable in my world. and. I don’t want the lady buying me food. I don’t want that kindof attention bestowed upon me. also if i want food then i can get it my damn self. which i do well when i buy it and also when.I get food out of the kitchen that isn’t mine. which i mean i’m allowed to do........so long as i ask. but that’s not really the point though. Well if I’m hungry I’m not going to be thinking about that. yeah people are weird about their food. i mean i’m not. and I don’t want the lady making me food and then covering it and putting it in the fridge. like i’m not 2. no need to treat me like i am. not that that’s why she’s doing it cause it isn’t. also I’m really uncomfortable being taken care of. usually I’m really uncomfortable being comfortable.
so. Well when I was at my mom’s i ate. quite a bit well i always eat quite a bit there. but in the freezer there’s room for what I want to eat. and everyone in the house can have w/e they want. unless it’s Mom’s ice cream. or their meat. [well i don’t like ice cream so that solves that problem. and ‘everyone’ thinks i’m a ‘vegetarian’. and actually i’m not a vegetarian i’m a food-iterian.]. and I don’t want the lady to move stuff around in the fridge so I have more space. i don’t like when people make exceptions for me. that’s why i don’t ask them to.
from what i recall. Growing up, at my mom’s it was pretty much ‘here’s the food if you want it.’. but that was it. and I liked that. it wasn’t my eating disorder that almost did me in almost 4.5 yrs. ago. [although that certainly didn’t help.]. no it was something else. though that said i’m amazed i’m still here.
ya know. I used to be one of those people who. ‘oh when i get my own place.i can not eat whenever i want’. untill i got it/was there and it was actually the opposite. There were times when, I ate more and I ate when I wanted what i wanted.bc there was no one else there. so no one else said anything about it. and i had enough food and enough room.
yeah Susie. [ok so now there’s marty........and before him there was laura the loud blonde then susie] was saying something about how when I get my own place and they stop by for, as i call them, ‘house visits’ one thing they’re going to do is check the cabinets to see if there’s food in there. um. shouldn’t there be worried if there is? bc that means I have food but i’m not eating it. i’m not going to tell them that though.......cause well i’m not stupid. nor am i going to be that careless. and they’ll only come by once a month so. like a lot can happen in a month.
in a earlier paragraph i said something about how it’s not about looks. which well it’s not. it’s about having something something destructive and bad that no one else has. and that people want. and having enough willpower to get to that point. that’s what it’s about. well for me anyway. i won’t speak for everyone out there who has an eating disorder and nor should i. yeah when i explained to evan i used somewhat similar wording.
um.

Last updated September 03, 2017