Eclipse Crazy in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

Everyone is going eclipse crazy today… which would be great but for the fact that it is Monday.

This morning, I got in to work at 8 a.m. Technically, before 8 am… but that was rounded to the nearest half hour (and rounded up). I had to cover White Boss in two hearings. I was in the courthouse from 8 to 11 and was able to charge 1.9 Hours. Then I come back to the office, get straight to work on two things for Chinese Boss. A Demand Letter I want to have sent out sooner than later; and a Business Purchase Agreement that needs to be signed on August 25th. No idea if I did either of them properly (and White Boss has already talked to me about “We need finished copies, not drafts!”) And those two things took .8 hours. Looking at my list of things requested of me… I have maybe 3 hours left of tasks requested? And then my own cases… which I would love to get help on but… yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaah. White Boss already walked right past my door to announce “I am so burnt out! I get 9 hours of sleep and I still wake up tired.” Well, friend, I’m lucky if I get 7 hours of sleep a night and wake up seriously re-considering being an attorney. I can help your firm, if you allow it. You can’t snap at me and take away all my work if I do something wrong… doing something wrong, for some people, is just how WE LEARN. Meanwhile, the firm is upset/worried because I have such few hours/clients. Yeah… I’m new. This is the opportunity to let me shadow White Boss when I have nothing better to do so that I can take some of the stress off of his plate and learn from him. But that isn’t what he wants. That isn’t what they want. They want someone that will “pick up the slack” and “be a presence in Ames” while they focus on Des Moines and Iowa City.

The funny thing? This isn’t actually that bad. Someone who already knew everything about the process and procedure of the law who was looking to expand their market… this would be the perfect job for them. Because it says, “Do things well the first time, and we’ll grow your business.” It is not a good environment for me. Because the things I do well? So far, they’ve all been for other attorneys… attorneys with the experience and knowledge to know how an inexperienced attorney can best be used. My bosses? Well… this says it all: I have a jury trial NEXT WEEK And my “education” for that is reading the Iowa Rules of Criminal Procedure on my own between billable hours.

I have to give them a year. I quit Tiny Town in less than a year, if I quit here in less than a year… my on-paper reputation for employment takes a hit. But… I’m starting to think I don’t want to be an attorney. I want to be a teacher. Because helping someone grow seems like a positive thing to do. And while teachers are getting hard-core screwed around here? Sharing things like Greek Myths, Aztec History, Geology, Literature… that sounds nice. But then… discussing things I like always sounds nice… especially compared to the backdrop of right now. The office is empty (everyone looking at the eclipse) but I can’t relax. Because I submitted two things to Chinese Boss that need her input; I’m freaking about this Jury Trial I don’t know how to do; I have a suppression for White Boss (who is going to yell at me about it no matter what); and I need to watch discovery videos for White Boss’ case. But yeah… he gets 9 hours of sleep, gets to plan a Surprise Birthday Party for his Wife, play golf once a week, and gets more cases than I do by a significant margin… and yet, can’t or won’t be of any assistance?

BAH.

Always of two minds, though. Because there is a part of me… a part deep down that whispers… if I can survive this… if I can put up with this and just… make it through… I could prove myself to be a good attorney. Maybe. Because like the Inhuman Karnak, I am fairly good at finding weaknesses. But at the end of the day? WHO knows if it is even worth it.

Excerpt from conversation with parents:

I want three things in life. (1) To do something I’m good at. (2) To make enough money to stay afloat in perpetuity. (3) To spend time with those who I love.
In Tiny Town? (1) It didn’t matter if I was good at the job or not… keep everything status quo and you don’t have to do anything anyway. (2) I was making enough money to stay afloat, I was making good money. (3) And I had enough time to spend with those I love… except they were all (at best) a 3 hour one-way drive away.
Here?
(1) I’m not good at what I do. Chinese Boss is starting to at least help me a little when she sees that I’ve screwed up and (surprise) is realizing that by helping me a little, I’m getting better. But White Boss isn’t there yet. White Boss still says I do things shittily and then he’ll do them to fix the issue.
(2) Not only am I making an offensively small amount of money (seriously even Dad could tell by saying “You’ve considered quitting and working for Taco Bell, haven’t you?” Because then I’d get the same pay, better hours, and Health Insurance!) So, yeah. I’m working for Kum and Go wages only without health insurance and for longer hours.
(3) And the kicker… now I have friends and family less than 20 minutes away. And I do get to see them at least once a month! But I’m so tired and burnt out, it certainly is not “quality time.”

Now I have been going back over some of my writing about Tiny Town. I needed to discover how I felt. Both then and now. And the brutal honesty is… screw that place. All it offered was money. What I need in my life is more valuable than money. And what I need in my life is available here. So no… I’m not sad we moved. I went from over 110 miles away from most of my friends… to 10 miles away from most of my friends. Granted, there are still some on the edges. But even Law School partner went from 165 miles away to only 129 miles away. MBFITWW? Shit, even that one got better. 166 miles away to 146! So the WHERE I am… 100% fits my values and my needs. But lets be honest… the average human spends between 35% and 54% of their waking lives at work. That doesn’t even include commute or “unpaid requirements”. So… while I am still very happy to be nearer to loved ones… this job is certainly not meeting my values yet. So either I work towards making this job meet my values in the remaining 7 months… or I know what I have to do.