Not Drunk Confessions in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

I have had a small amount to drink; so when my Wife spends her entire Saturday discussing how she hates her job… I… uhm........ open up a bit.

Do you know the biggest reason why I hate my job? I mean… in addition to the shitty environment? I do one of two things. (1) Sell the United States piece by piece to rich Chinese Assholes (for NOT enough money to do that) or (2) Make sure that criminals get to go home and keep committing crimes.

Wife bitching about her job? Yeah… she gets weird shifts. Yeah… she helps assholes. Yeah… she gets bored. But at the heart of it? What does she do for a living? She sells bullshit to assholes. In other words, she is a significant part of the American Commercial system. She may hate it; but what she does is an important function of keeping this country moving forward (as weakly as it is doing so now.)

Meanwhile… the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do is help people. Save people. Be the guy that makes the world a better place. Yeah, there are some of my clients that are getting screwed… less than 5% of people charged are totally innocent of the charges. That means 95% of the people I deal with (true story, compare my cases) are GUILTY AS SIN and my arguments on their behalf (for $30 an hour, but less than that due to EVERYTHING) are bullshit hail marys in an attempt to justify my useless fucking existence.

And my Immigration Cases? Gee… watch the news. Is there a risk of Chinese Oligarchs buying up a shit ton of America? If your answer is no… you aren’t paying attention. Every week, I work towards making sure United States Properties don’t go to Americans who can barely afford them… I fight to make sure they go to Chinese Millionaires who don’t give a shit. My job… is to make this nation… this world… a worse place.

And yeah. For someone who already hates himself? That makes me downright suicidal. But seriously. The first time I was ever actually suicidal? Was because all of my actions, the ones I was hoping were for a greater good, wound up hurting people. So now? 17 years later? All of my talent and potential and energy? All of that is going towards people trying to hurt society, hurt my country, hurt the world.............

So I opened that to my wife. I told her about how I feel. And she mentioned something. She asked how we wound up here.

Well…in Tiny Town… I was fighting bad guys with compassion. But Tiny Town was a hellish place. Wife and I can’t survive in a place of such miniature and corrupt horseshit.

I should be fighting bad guys… not working for them. But we wanted to move. Needed to move. And so I accepted any job that allowed us that opportunity. And Wife still hates her life. Still hates everything about her existence. But now? So do I. As much as I love her… as enamored with her as I am.... as sexually attracted to her as I am..... my professional purpose? Honestly makes me suicidal. Makes me genuinely want to die. Because if I die, doing the job I do? My death would be better. IF I am good at my job.... bad things happen. If I am bad at my job… I hate myself anyway.

As my father said recently.... if only I could have the Tiny Town Job in a Better City. But that wasn’t possible. Either be a Good Guy for a Bad Place… or be a Bad Guy for a Good place. Seems like an impossible choice.