Feb.: incompetence, suicide in The Wonderland Years: 2010: transferred over from FOD. entries. Done.

'15th

........Happy Valentine's Day!

:) '

'16th

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission" - Eleanor Roosevelt

Well, I'm sorry Mrs. Roosevelt, but you're wrong.

Because a good friend of mine did. It wasn't so much 'inferior' as it was incompetent.

The same way my dad makes me feel. Well, has a habit of, rather.

We were talking about puppets; I mentioned I was scared of them.

And she said something which she thought appeared to be helpful. I found annoying.

Also, the way she said it ............it was like I was 5.

I'm not 5.

Again, I was stating that as fact. If I need advice, I'll ask. Otherwise.........

However..........she and I are starting to work things out via email, so.

There's something she does that bothers me; she - and I used to do this as well - has a tendency to let details be known that don't need to be. I'm not talkin about TMI here. But the way I learned not to do it as much was coming to my own conclusion, that people didn't need to know those details........so I'm wondering if I should let her do the same?

Again, I'm not asking for advice on how to handle this. It's a general musing.........

*I'm being vague to respect her confidentiality'

'20th

Wow.

I got hit with some pretty heavy stuff earlier tonight.

So Michael, Meagan, Taylor and I were at the hookah bar. And apparently, a guy Meagan knew um....died, very recently, via suicide.

I didn't know him and I don't know Meagan that well. However....I wish her the best.

It's, very sobering. The last person I knew that died was Leon, and that was 3, 4 years ago.

Johnathon Larson had it; he got it.

We're not as invincible as we think; living in America, we have that false sense of security.

It's never too late to tell someone you love them, and/or to do something nice for someone.

wow.'

'22nd

nearing 1 p.m.

which is.......idinno. Weird. I Facebooked Meagan, asking if I could do anything, to which she replied 'nothing, you're fine. don't worry about me'. Well that's helpful.........the minute you tell me not to....well not neccessarily that I worry more but that I'm suddenly very aware. In that same way when you know you're being stared at.

I do wish her the best.

It's definately made me think though.

Oh, so apparently Alex and her ex broke up, for legal reasons. No one should ever have to break up with someone because of.......legal reasons, [which I'm not comfortable putting here]. But I do think it's better this way, though I'm sure she doesn't see it that way now. And the girl has terrible self-esteem to begin with and to just......emotionally crush her like that. no. that's not ok. ever. you do not hurt my friends.

Y'know, it's kindof ironic...........for someone as stunning, incredibly down-to-earth and as mature as sh e is [the girl's 15 and she has the mental comprehension of someone my age; that does not happen. she's a rarity in that way], she. well. as said.

but I'm not going to intervene. There was a time, when Evan [Kate's boyfriend] wasn't calling her, which she didn't like. Not only do you not hurt my friends but you also. don't hurt my sister. And unless someone tells me that ya alrite it's ok for me to intervene and talk to the person they're having an issue with, I won't.

[Oh, Kate and Evan worked things out].

But if you grow up witth parents who don't tell you you're beautiful, that you matter, that they love you every day then yeah. that's where it leads.

Believe me, I notice when my mom doesn't say she loves me. I don't say anything about it but yeah. I definately notice.

So, when I got back Friday from 'hookah-barring', as Taylor refers to it, I MySpaced Alex asking what I can do. Because yeah, I do care about her. And I do wish her the best as well.

I don't know Meagan that well, so.

Everyone's been so great; Taylor, Michael, myself.........so supportive. The whole thing with Meagan's acquaintance is.......the first 'big thing' we've been through as a group. And I was just on the sidelines. [I don't mean this in a bad way].

I've found, that my ability to be sweet overpowers my ability to be annoyed. Because, Meagan commented on my Facebook status, something to the effect of 'life is beautiful'. At the time I had absolutely no idea what'd happened. And now that I know it's like........wow. ok I get it I'm sorry.

I've also found that I'm not the only one searching for answers.

Hookah-barring was alrite.

So yeah it's been pretty crazy. I got to see Taylor again, which was great.

I think, because 1; I've always been a highly sensitive person and I always will be and B; I'm wicked perceptive then yeah. it makes sense that Meagan's aqcuaintance's.......situation [I know what it is it'll just take me awhile to actually say/type it] would effect me this much.

The 2 quotes I've had in my mind lately are:

"your life is worth more than gold" - bob marley

because of the.........death.

and

"every little girl needs to be told she's pretty, even if she's not" - marilyn monroe

because everyone needs to feel important. like they do matter. like people do love them. they are beautiful.

It's a lot to actually physically verbalise that.

It's taken me this long to learn to love myself. To look in the mirror and go 'wow. i am really pretty'. I'm gettin there.

more coming'